Page 16

CHAPTER 16

MONROE

“Can I officially call you my sister-in-law yet or...?” Hadley teases Reese where they sit next to each other across from me and Blakely at our regular table at The Blue Ox .

The four of us were finally able to align schedules for a much-needed girls’ brunch.

Reese laughs, that super in love smile she wears when she's thinking about Nash shaping her lips. “I already think of you as a sister,” she says to Hadley. “No need to put that enormous pressure on it.”

Blakely and I share a look that screams she can tease all she wants but we know that if Nash asked her, she'd say yes tomorrow . But I more than anyone understand taking things slow. And understand not wanting to make final decisions about your future like that.

“I guess you're right,” Hadley says, her and Reese laughing as they playfully nudge each other before getting back to their brunch spread.

I take another bite of my sandwich, feeling that warm contentment that comes from being surrounded by your best girlfriends.

“We're just glad you can finally make it to these biweekly brunches now,” Reese says to Hadley.

“Finally graduating after working your ass off twenty-four-seven to get your degree will free up time,” Hadley says after taking a bite of her pancakes. “It still hasn't set in that I'm finally done and ready to go on the job market. I've been working so hard for so long that I'm kind of afraid I won't know how to do a job instead of school.”

“But aren't you taking a break before you officially apply anywhere?” I ask, remembering she said that the last time we met up. Hadley is brilliant in every sense of the word and has a passion for neuroscience and sports medicine that rivals anyone I've ever known.

“Yes,” Hadley answers, leaning back in her seat a little bit. “I’m lucky enough to have a wealthy big brother who’s assured me I need to take a couple months off before I start applying to jobs and start my career for the rest of my forever.” She takes a deep breath. “Man, when you lay out forever like that, it's super intimidating.”

We all laugh at her exaggerated stressed face, and I nod adamantly. “Just because you start a career doesn't mean it has to be your forever,” I try to assure her, knowing full well how terrifying forever can be to a person. “You're young and smart and more than talented,” I continue. “The world is literally your oyster. You don't have to lock in anything if you don't want to.”

“That’s sort of refreshing,” Hadley says, returning to her plate and cutting herself off another bite and popping it into her mouth. “Speaking of,” she says, eyeing me before glancing at Reese and Blakely. “How is your living situation going? I've been out of the loop for a few weeks, so fill me in.”

Warmth cascades from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, a sort of solid contentment and excitement swirling in my chest every time I think about my living situation, because it directly ties to my intimate situation, which directly ties to my best friend, which leads to nothing but happy gooey melty feelings.

“That situation is going incredibly well,” I admit, knowing there's no reason to try to hide the swoony feelings I have, especially not from them. “I haven't even considered looking for a new apartment, even though Paxton and I don't have any official labels on anything.”

Blakely and Reese flash me a skeptical look.

“Still shying away from the label thing?” Hadley asks, looking sadly out of the loop. “I feel like I know the reasoning behind that, but I have so much sports neuroscience crammed into my brain right now it might have been shoved out. Enlighten me? You and Paxton seem perfect for each other. If any man looked at me the way Paxton looks at you?” She sighs. “I'd be locking him down. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.”

We all laugh at that, and I can't deny the sense of rightness that crops up in my soul when I think about what she says.

“I've always had a problem with commitment,” I explain briefly. “Growing up with a divorce lawyer mother will do that to a girl. And while my parents have one of those fairy-tale marriages, after seeing what it does to people after my mother helped them get their divorces, it made me question the worth of marriage when stacked against the risk of losing yourself completely.”

“Oh, damn,” Hadley says, nodding. “That would do it. But Paxton...” Her eyes go whimsical. “Again, the way he looks at you, the way you two are together...”

I blow out of breath, glancing at Reese and Blakely who are giving me supportive looks. “I know,” I say, the two words feeling like a confession that opens up the floodgates. “He's my best friend. And I'm totally in love with him.”

Reese and Blakely clap and squeal as if I just told them I won the lottery. Hadley laughs, and I glance around the restaurant, rolling my eyes at the scene we've caused.

“Sorry,” Blakely says to me. “But we've been waiting for you to admit that for like ever.”

“Seriously, Monroe,” Reese adds. “We didn't know if you would say those words.”

“I didn't want to,” I explain. “I didn't want to risk losing him. I've loved him as a best friend far longer than I've been in love with him, and when you pit those two against each other it shows you all the scary ways that you can mess it up. But where we're at now?” I smile softly. “It's a dream. He's a dream. He always has been.”

“You know you don't have to pit those two things against each other,” Hadley says, ever the analytical mind. “You could just allow them to meld together into something bigger and stronger than you ever thought it could be.”

“What she said,” Blakely nods to Hadley, and Reese shows her agreement.

“We all know Paxton feels the same way,” Blakely says softly.

“What are you going to do if he decides to propose to you?” Hadley asks bluntly.

The question has my muscle memory rippling beneath my skin, a heavy dose of fear and panic associated with the idea of saying I do.

“ Shit ,” Hadley says, eyeing me. “I practically felt that. Look at you. It's like I asked you if he was going to isolate you from all your friends and make you quit your job.”

I cringe, clenching my eyes shut and shaking my head. “That couldn't be further from the truth,” I say. “Paxton would never make me feel that way. It's just the concept of marriage. I've been terrified of it my entire life. I've always viewed it as a negative thing, which I know makes no sense when my parents are happily married, but I'm a walking contradiction.” I blow out of breath. “And somehow Paxton loves me anyway. I don't deserve someone like him.”

“First off,” Reese says, shaking her head. “Don't do that. You absolutely deserve him and just because you're working out some very long-term issues doesn't mean you don't. And secondly, has he told you that he loves you?”

“Have you told him?” Blakely adds.

“No and no,” I say, sighing at the admission.

“But it's painfully clear that you both love each other,” Hadley says almost like she's asking a question.

“Yep,” I answer with a shrug.

“And you two clearly get along really well or else you would be looking for your own space,” Hadley continues.

“Yep.”

“And the physical chemistry is obviously on fire,” Reese adds.

“And you both support each other's careers and dreams and?—”

“I know, I know,” I cut Blakely off. “I know it's perfect. Or as perfect as we can be for each other.”

“Then I'm not seeing the problem?” Hadley says looking at all of us. “Marriage aside, because that’s so not something that has to happen these days. Why don't you just tell him how you feel?”

“I want to,” I say, smiling at the thought of it. “I really do. He deserves to know, and I try to show him how much I appreciate him. But letting him know the full extent of how much I love him? I'm terrified,” I admit. “What if I tell him that and he immediately jumps to as long as we both shall live ? I know him. He’s always wanted the married life. What if I'm not ready for that?”

“Then you're not ready for that,” Blakely says as if it's that simple. “Just because you tell him how much you care about him doesn't mean you immediately have to jump to marriage.”

“Yeah, he may not even be on that line of thinking,” Reese continues. “But I can see how your mind would go there since you guys have been best friends forever. It's not like you need to continue dating to get to know each other when you already know everything about each other, so I see the dilemma, but Paxton is an understanding guy. If you tell him that you love him but aren't ready for that big of a commitment, he’ll get it.”

“I know,” I say for what I feel like is the eighteenth time during this brunch.

“But someday,” Hadley hedges. “What if like ten years down the road,” she continues. “What if you closed your eyes and picture yourself getting married, who would it be to? And does it look so awful?”

I close my eyes like she suggests, doing my best to not put a timeline on the imagery I draw up in my mind. Me in a white dress and of course it's Paxton in a suit, the two of us getting ready to promise forever to each other.

A smile shapes my lips, warmth radiating over every inch of my body as I open my eyes.

“Without a timeline? Of course it's Paxton. I feel like it's always been him.”

Reese and Blakely smile at me, Hadley too.

“I'll tell him,” I say, excitement bubbling up inside me. “I'll tell him today.”

My energy filters into my friends and we all squeal a little before returning to our brunch.

“What are we celebrating?” Elise, one of several of the Bangor Badgers’ no-holds-barred sports agent, says as she stops by our table, a to-go coffee in her hand.

“Love,” Hadley says, winking at me as we all wave hello to Elise.

“Ah,” Elise says. “Now that's a fun one to celebrate.”

“Do you want to sit?” I ask, looking at an empty table and chair next to us. “We can make room.”

“As much as I would love to sit and hang with you girls, I'm actually grabbing this liquid courage before I head into a meeting with one of my clients. It's our weekly strategy talk, and I'm more than excited to see what he's bringing to the table.”

“Torrington?” I ask, knowing from my time spent with the Badgers that he’s one of the most organized of the group and would likely request such weekly meetings.

“Baylor?” Hadley asks before Elise can answer, and I arch an eyebrow at the way she says his name. “He's one of your clients? I didn't know that.”

Elise smiles questionably down at her. “That's the one,” she says. “I'm just grateful he didn't make me get up before dawn today to meet him in the gym for this meeting. Anyway, have fun celebrating love , I'll catch you girls later.” Elise nods to us, heading out of the cafe and likely toward Badger arena.

“Baylor is one of Nash’s best friends,” Reese says to Hadley. “How did you not know Elise was his agent?”

“I don't know everything about everybody's business,” she says with a shrug. “And just because Baylor and Nash hang out doesn't mean I'm invited. If Nash had his way, I'd be separate from all things hockey.” Something nervous flashes over her features, but she quickly shoves it away, hiding behind her coffee.

We finish up brunch talking about the prospects of the season, and how excited we are to travel with the team, Hadley falling quiet during those conversations. I'm more than glad that she’s graduated and has time to think about what she wants to do with her life, let alone have these wonderful brunches and outings with us too. She deserves it, and I can't wait to see what she decides in the upcoming months.

And by the time I've made it back to Paxton’s, figuring he’s still at practice when I find the house empty, my nerves are an excited yet sensitive mess.

After the pep talk with my girls, I know I need to tell Paxton how much I care about him. He deserves to know. I have to hope he'll respect my wishes of not wanting to set any hard dates or deadlines on our relationship. I'm hoping he’ll handle me with the care he always has when it comes to commitment.

Unable to relax with this nervous energy, I decide to do my best to clean up the house. Paxton already keeps a clean space, so there isn't much to do. I’m content to wander around, looking for little things here or there that need to be put up.

Finding a finished load of clothes in the dryer, I quickly get to folding and then head to Paxton’s room to put them up. The last things are a few of his boxer briefs, which I fold neatly and head to the top drawer of his dresser. I pull it open, moving some stray socks aside to put the small pile in?—

I freeze .

I drop the pile into the drawer, my heart pounding, eyes wide as I stare at the velvet box nestled in the middle of his socks.

Ice shoots through my veins, my stomach dropping to the floor. My fingers instantly tremble as I reach for the box before I can stop myself.

It could be a random box , I silently assure myself despite my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. It could be completely random.

I know I shouldn't, but I pop the lid.

A gasp rips from my lips.

The diamond ring is vintage and beautiful and for a split second, I feel nothing but warmth and love picturing it on my finger. Picturing my last name being changed to Ritchford and living happily ever after.

Forever and ever and?—

The ice is back, fear swallowing all the warm feelings I had seconds before.

A new future lays out in front of me, one where I'm in my mother's office, tears in my eyes as she walks me through a divorce. As unlikely as that future may be, I've seen it too many times, and it's enough to have me shaking.

I can't tear my eyes off the ring, can't shove that horrific future out of my mind, knowing that it would ruin us both. Not just heartbreak, but our friendship…our years and years of friendship would be pulverized if something like that happened.

I can’t do that to him. I can’t turn him into an empty, bitter person. He’s too good for that.

Doesn’t Paxton understand that?

Doesn’t he know me better than this? Why would he get a ring?

When was he going to pop the question? While we were watching true crime on the couch, or maybe celebrating a win after a game? And how would I be able to say no to him with the way I feel. I'd have to say yes, despite my fears.

This is unfair.

This is so unfair.

I hear the front door open, and it’s only a few moments before Paxton finds me in his bedroom, standing there with that velvet box still open in my hand, and tears rolling down my cheeks.

Paxton drops his gear bag, shock coloring his features.

“What the hell is this, Paxton?”