Page 108 of Palm South University: Season 2

HOW MUCH WEIGHT CAN ONE GIRLhold before she crumples beneath it, spent,too tired to even care if it crushes her?

I’ve been strong before. I’ve held myself together through experiences that should have killed me. But now, it’s as if that girl is a distant memory, or as if she never really existed at all. I’m just a shell now. A cracked, rusted shell.

I can’t shower enough. I can’t scrub enough. I can’t cry enough.Nothingis enough to cleanse me of that night. Nothing ever will be.

I think I broke Clinton, too.

He brought me back to life just enough to let me breathe on my own, though anything else feels impossible, and I asked him to go against everything he stands for. But he did it. For me. And I wonder how much of himself he gave up just to let me hold tight to the last little shred of what was left of me.

I’ve been holed up in my room since the morning after when I walked in a daze back to the house. I left long enough to take my last final and that’s it. The girls think I’m sick, and I let them think whatever they want to. Clinton checks on me from time to time but I ignore him for the most part, only responding enough to let him know I’m alive, though maybe that’s a lie, too.

But today, like a child, I called my mother. I showed her my scraped knees and asked her to bandage them. I asked her to fix me. Instead, she cried. And I cried with her. Now, we sit quiet on the phone together, both still sniffling as I curl into myself under my sheets.

“Are you packed?” she finally asks.

“I am.”

She sniffs, clearing her throat. “Good. I’m sending a car now. Listen to me.” Her voice cracks a bit and a new wave of tears rush in on me. “You are a strong, brave, incredible young lady. You have way too much ahead of you to let four spoiled little punks take your life away.” I tuck my knees up closer to my chest and exhale loudly to ward off a sob. “So you’re going to come home, and we’re going to figure this out together. Do you hear me? You are not broken, Erin Xander. You need to harden your heart, baby girl. Take everything you feel right now and hone it, use it to push you toward what you want most in life.Takewhat you want. Take what you need. Right now, you feel like you’ve been robbed, right?” I nod, even though she can’t see me. “So, take back what’s yours.”

“I don’t know how,” I whisper, wanting to believe her but feeling the exact opposite of her words. Is this what bravery looks like? A scared little girl curled up in sheets like they’ll be her saving grace?

There’s a weighted pause on the other end before Mom’s voice comes through again, stronger than before.

“I do. And I’ll teach you. Just come home, baby.”

So I do.

And going home isn’t the hard part. I go willingly, hopefully.

It’s coming back to PSU that won’t be easy.

AndifI do make it back, the truth remains that I won’t be the same girl everyone knew before. That girl is dead.

Can a new one be reborn?