Page 40 of Oz (Finding Home #1)

The polish is smudged and my cuticles are painted nearly as much as the nails but I swallow hard, feeling tears in the back of my throat.

I’d thought the moment when I fell in love would be dramatic and full of noise and energy.

Instead, it’s in a quiet bedroom where a soft song plays and the light dances on the man’s hair and the planes of his face as he makes me back into me.

The only man who’s ever valued that person.

I hold that knowledge tight to me, examining it and waiting for the fear to hit me.

It doesn’t take long. This will never work.

I’ve always known that. At the moment he likes the way I am, but how long will it be before the enchantment fades on his side and I disappoint or embarrass him?

It seems almost inevitable lately, and I don’t know how I’ll bear to see the letdown in his eyes.

All I can see ahead of us is a prolonged goodbye.

Then I’ll crawl back to London, and at some point I’ll pick up a newspaper and see a picture of him with another man.

One who will look like he belongs next to him.

I flinch and inhale slowly and he looks up. “Alright?” he asks quietly.

“I’m fine,” I say. And I try to hold onto that feeling of love rather than the fear. It feels as fragile as a spiderweb in my hands.

I manage it for as long as it takes us to leave that quiet bedroom and right up until he insists I join the welcoming line.

Henry and Ivo are waiting along with Olivia and a portly red-faced man who I presume is her husband, Martin.

Ivo looks slightly resigned and Henry just looks cross as his mother talks to him.

As we walk up, she catches sight of Silas first. “Where have you been?” she scolds. “The first guests will be here soon and–” Her voice dies away as she sees me behind Silas and the way he’s holding onto my hand.

“Problem, Mother?” Silas says in a slightly challenging voice.

“You know very well there is a problem. What is he doing here?”

I go to move back but he stays me. “No,” he says firmly. “Oz is joining us because he’s with me. I want him standing by my side.”

She turns to her husband. “Martin, talk to him. He’s making a mockery of the family.”

“Yes, Martin,” Silas drawls. “Please do try and talk to me about something that is quite patently none of your business.” Martin huffs and puffs but obviously decides that discretion is better than a stand-up row which I now see that Silas is spoiling for. He and his mother glare at each other.

“This is epic,” Henry whispers happily and Ivo smiles at him.

Milo darts up. “First guests are on their way.”

Silas moves into position at the top of the line and pulls me after him.

“Oh no, I am putting my foot down,” Olivia says querulously. “He is not standing in front of me.”

“Oh really?” Silas says silkily, but I’ve abruptly had enough.

“I’m actually going to help Milo,” I say firmly and tug my hand away. I feel unsettled and cross like I’m a toy that’s being tugged between the two of them. I know Silas is standing up for me, but I’m getting fucked off with her constant asides and the speaking about me as if I’m below her notice.

Ignoring the hurt look on his face which makes me feel like shit and even crosser at the same time, I pace over to the back of the marquee and duck in next to Milo.

“What are you doing here?” he hisses. “Aren’t you supposed to be in the receiving line?”

“And why the fuck would I want to be there?” I snap, and he shakes his head.

“Don’t let her get under your skin.”

“She’s already there and I must say I’d rather have a fucking tapeworm than that witch.”

He rubs my arm, but at that point one of the groundsmen comes up with a problem in the carpark and he dashes off to sort it.

I edge to the side of the room and watch unnoticed as the family greet their guests.

The late afternoon sun falls on them, gilding them as if they’re on stage.

I examine them. Silas and Henry and Ivo’s suits are obviously hand tailored as they cling to their lean figures, while Olivia looks expensive in a long silver-coloured dress and pearls.

They look expensive and refined, greeting their guests and within seconds putting them at their ease.

Even Ivo, who has maintained a conspicuous distance until now, looks practised at this and part of them.

I look down at my off-the-rack suit and my fingers, and for a second I want to hold my hands out of sight.

I look wrong here. Out of place and tacky, like neon tinsel on a designer’s Christmas tree.

I look up and Olivia is watching me. Her thin lips are tight with disapproval but as she looks at me, a smile twists them that I’m sure doesn’t bode well.

I raise my chin, but she shakes her head and dismisses me as she turns to the next guest.

The next hour passes quickly and I’m ashamed to say that I’m undertaking avoidance manoeuvres. Every time Silas gets close to me I dart off to check something else. I think it’s fair to say that I’m getting on the caterer’s nerves and pretty soon a member of staff is going to lynch me.

I watch as the last hors d'oeuvre tray comes back past my hiding spot behind a large plant. All around is the sound of happy and lively conversation accompanied by the smooth sound of the jazz band playing.

Milo pops up next to me, muttering into a walkie talkie.

I eye him. “Haven’t we got anything more modern? You look like you’re auditioning for a role on The Professionals .”

He shakes his head, all business. “Shall we start getting everyone seated?”

I look around and gauge the mood. “Yes. Get Silas to make the announcement.”

He gapes at me. “Have you lost the power of your own mouth?” I glare at him and he shakes his head. “Men would pay for this moment of silence,” he mutters and stalks off.

I watch him edge to Silas’s side who is currently charming a group of people, one of the women hanging on his arm. Silas bends to listen as Milo talks and then his head shoots up and he looks straight over at me. I sigh. Bloody interfering Milo.

I straighten as Silas walks over to me. “Is there a particular reason why you are hiding behind this lemon tree?”

“I like the scent of the leaves,” I say feebly, and he shakes his head.

“What is going on right now? I thought you were going to be by my side for the evening and it appears that I’m dating The Invisible Man.”

“Perhaps you’d be better off with him,” I mutter.

“ What? ” he says sharply. He tries to take my hand, then steps back with a hurt look all over his face as I wriggle out of his grip and step back. “What is going on?” he asks hoarsely.

“Nothing,” I say, panicked. “I just don’t think we should be seen holding hands. That’s all. It’s silly to be all over each other anyway.” I nod to make my statement more emphatic.

He stares at me for a long moment with turbulent eyes and then without another word he turns and walks away.

“Shit!” I say. “Oh fuck, Silas.” I’ve just hurt him.

With a sinking heart I remember him talking about how he’s never had anyone to stand up for him and be with him.

He wants that. He’s given me everything and I just behaved like a stupid fucking kid and hurt him by throwing it back at him and telling him he’s silly.

I go to walk after him but there’s a rustle of silk behind me and I turn, knowing who I’m going to find.

“Oz,” Olivia says smoothly. “Surely you can see that this infatuation of my son’s is absolutely ridiculous.

He’s a very important figure around here.

People look up to him to set the tone. It’s bad enough that he has a male lover.

It’s an absolute joke that he’s picked you.

He could have had other men. I know that.

Men much better than you.” She shakes her head, the poison falling smoothly from her lips.

“The whole county will be laughing at him. He’ll be the subject of whispers and jokes.

My son . The Earl of Ashworth. A man who can trace his lineage back hundreds of years sleeping with a man who can’t trace his back more than two minutes because he doesn’t even know his own father. ”

I stare at her. “How do you know that?”

She shakes her head and sips her champagne.

I notice her hand is absolutely still, unlike mine.

I’m shaking slightly with an outraged tremble.

“Darling, I know everything that happens around here. When I found out my son was jaunting all over South Cornwall in the company of someone very undesirable and upsetting neighbours of ours who’ve been friends for years, I knew I had to have someone look into you. ”

“You had me investigated?”

“I did.” She smiles. “And I found a young man who really doesn’t have much going for him.

A good brain, but it’s rotting because he’s drinking too much and sleeping with his bosses and getting fired.

” She looks me up and down. “Hardly what a peer of the realm needs as his companion. Silas needs someone from a good family. Someone able to entertain in this sort of setting. Someone who will never embarrass him by dressing in cheap clothes and talking with that awful common accent. Ashworth House needs someone better.”

“But does Chi an Mor ?” She looks at me in confusion. “You’ve spoken a lot about what you think Silas needs. Have you actually asked him?” I say hoarsely.

All my words that would normally come flowing out when confronted with someone like this have gone because she’s voicing my inner fears.

I don’t think I’m good enough to be here at his side and I really am scared stiff of disappointing him.

This is what happens when people make themselves so nice that you fall in love with them and bend yourself backwards to avoid hurting them.

She looks at me steadily, her eyes full of a cold disdain. “I don’t need to ask Silas. He was a silly boy and he’s grown into a foolish man who obeys his heart in everything. I speak because I know the world you’ve fallen into. It will reject you, Oz, as surely as the sun will rise.”

I look back at her, dumb for once in my life, and Martin calls her name. She smiles at me and without another word brushes past me and goes towards her husband.

I look up and Niall is coming towards me. He looks after her departing figure and concern flares in his eyes. I hold up my hand to stop him. “I’m going to see how the caterers are getting on,” I say hoarsely and hightail it out of the tent.