Page 36 of Oz (Finding Home #1)

I wait outside patiently and blink when he emerges with a gigantic bunch of lilies.

“You did say that these were your mum’s favourite flowers, didn’t you?” he asks, sounding worried.

“I did,” I say faintly. “About a month ago in an aside. How the fuck did you remember that?”

He shrugs, looking a little bashful. “Because you told me,” he says simply. “That makes it important.”

I stare at his warm face and clear greeny-gold eyes and he looks back calmly. I sigh. “What do you want from me?” They aren’t the words I was planning to say but they are the words I want to say.

He smiles calmly and steps closer, the scent of the lilies rich around us. “I can’t tell you yet. You’re not quite there.”

“Where?”

He ignores me and starts to amble along. I catch up and walk next to him, guiding him down the side street leading to my mum’s home.

“What is it with you and Shaun today?” I grumble. “Full of all these cryptic comments, and don’t think I didn’t see you whispering and looking at me.”

He shrugs. “Just discussing your personality defects.”

I shake my head. “No, you weren’t. I haven’t got any.” I smile. “Okay, keep your secrets, Silas. I’ll get it out of you somehow.”

“I know you will,” he says placidly. “And I look forward very much to experiencing you trying.”

I come to a stop. “Here we are.”

He looks up at the building towering over us.

It looks grim in this light. It’s grey and utilitarian and nothing like his home.

But still, when I look up I see the lit windows gleaming cheerily and I remember that feeling of home.

This is where my mum is, and I remember all the years of Shaun and I playing around here in the streets and practically living in each other’s flats.

It was a culture shock when we came from Ireland, but my mum always impressed on me that we carry our home with us because it’s with the people we love.

But it hasn’t stopped other men’s reactions.

This is normally when the comments start.

I obviously have a terrible taste for posh boys.

The wince and sneer barely suppressed, the slight panic that they’re actually in this place.

I don’t really expect that from Silas because he’s classier than anyone I’ve ever met, but this place shines a light on the differences between us that I grow more conscious of every day.

I wait for something that he’ll cover up with his good manners. Instead he looks around with a lively curiosity. “Which floor is yours?”

I blink. “Seventeenth floor.” I nudge him. “A nice bracing climb for a good view of London.”

He laughs, and I direct him into the lobby.

He moves towards the lifts, but I put a hand out to stop him.

“I wouldn’t. They’re working at the moment, but that only usually lasts for a few hours.

If you get stuck in there at this time you’ll wait all night and cry and have to pee in a bottle.

” He looks at me and I grin. “But that’s a long story. Let’s not discuss that ever again.”

I direct him to the stairs. “Okay, this isn’t pleasant because apparently some people who live here are under the fucking impression that this is actually a fucking toilet.

So, maybe hold your breath in until the need for air becomes impossible to ignore.

If you have a heart attack from the climb, I’ll try to cushion your fall with my dinner jacket. ”

“I think what I find most attractive about you, Oz, is your sunny and optimistic nature.” I laugh and go to walk ahead of him up the steps, but he grabs my arm on the first stair. “Wait,” he says. I look enquiringly at him and he gives me a little smile. “I’m a bit nervous.”

I’m instantly concerned. “Oh, don’t worry about anything. You’re with me and no one is going to fucking mug you.” I sigh. “I could hardly get James out of the car when he came, and he spent most of the first visit looking out of the window in case someone stole his tyre rims.”

He shakes his head impatiently. “I’m not worried about that .”

“Well, what’s the matter then?”

He shrugs. “I’m just worried that she won’t like me. This is really important to me.”

“Why?” I say sharply. “You probably won’t meet her again.

” For a second he looks as if I’ve punched him and remorse runs through me.

“I’m sorry,” I say quickly, grabbing his waist to stop his instinctive movement away from me.

I can’t allow that. “That was a shitty thing to say. I’m just nervous too. ”

“Why?”

I sigh and rest my head against his chest, inhaling his fresh sea scent.

“Because I want her to like you too,” I whisper.

“I don’t know why, but this is really important to me too.

” I inhale deeply. “I think in some way I thought you’d take one look at this place and hightail it out of here and I just wanted to get it over with.

” I shake my head and dig my forehead into his chest. “Why don’t you ever perform according to expectations? ”

I relax as he chuckles and hugs me the best he can with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. As it is, the cellophane goes up my nose. “My performances are beyond expectations every time,” he says grandly.

“As is your big head,” I say wryly, loving the sound of his rich, warm laughter in this dank stairwell. I stop him as he goes to move. “She’ll love you,” I say quietly.

He stills. “How do you know?”

I scratch my nose awkwardly. “I just know,” I finally say, and he holds my gaze for a long second before a slow smile spreads across his face.

“Okay,” he says softly.

The smile’s long gone by the time we reach the seventeenth floor. “You okay?” I gasp.

“I don’t know,” he croaks. “I think I coughed up my spleen on the twelfth floor.”

“You’re very unfit.”

“Whatever,” he says indignantly. “Wasn’t it you begging me to carry you on floor thirteen?”

“That was just for your fitness. I’m fine,” I say primly.

He laughs and groans. “Well, I can cross Everest off my bucket list. It would just be a massive disappointment now.” I laugh loudly and he shakes his head. “If I didn’t want your mum to like me so much I’d have used the bouquet as a crutch.”

I shove him gently. “Come on. We need to get in quickly before either of her neighbours spot us.”

“Why?”

“Well, one of them might try to sell you weed while the other might try to fuck you.”

He blinks. “I think living here would really improve my social life.”

“You’ll never know.” I ring the doorbell and brush his hair back off his forehead. “You ready?”

He breathes in. “Yes.”

“It’s my mother, Silas. Not the firing squad.” I pause. “Unless you’re coming in late without ringing her. Then the firing squad looks attractive.”

I hear quick footsteps and I’m smiling before the door opens. I see him look at me but instead I grin widely. “Ma,” I exclaim, and she grabs me, hugging and kissing.

“A ghrá geal. How are you?” She pushes me back. “You look so well,” she says happily. “Your hair’s longer and you’ve lost those awful bags under your eyes from keeping bad company every single bloody night.”

There’s a smothered snort from my right and I turn. “Ma, I want you to meet someone.” I reach out and snag his hand and pull him forward. “This is Silas.”

She looks at him for a long second, her gaze catching and holding on our clasped hands, and worry crosses her open face.

Silas smiles at her. “I’m very pleased to meet you,” he says. The cut-glass accent is far posher than anything James could manage and it makes my mum’s eyes widen. It sounds wrong on this dingy landing. “Oz has told me so much about you.”

For a long second, she stands still and my heart sinks. Silas must sense this because he steps back, looking at me in concern. He squeezes my hand, and when I look at him he smiles reassuringly at me, which immediately makes me relax a bit. He winks and I shake my head.

When I look back at my mum she’s still staring at him as though I’ve brought a Tory MP to her door, but all of a sudden her expression changes and she smiles widely.

“Come in, lad,” she urges. “Oz has told me a lot about you too.”

He offers her the flowers, smiling almost shyly. “These are for you.”

She looks down at the fragrant blooms and her face goes soft. “For me ? Oh, they’re so beautiful. Thank you.”

I feel a lump in my throat and act quickly. “Are we having dinner on the doorstep because that’s definitely too al fresco for around here?”

She grimaces at me before grabbing Silas by his arm and hauling him over the threshold. I watch as she escorts him down the corridor, talking energetically about cruises and holding onto him like a very tiny Irish prison warder.

I almost expect him to look around the lounge with disdain. My mum’s a bit of a one for colour but has zero chance of ever matching two so it’s a bit like walking into a packet of Skittles. One old hook-up had taken the piss once. That’s why he became an old hook-up.

I tense as Silas looks around the bright blue and orange living room, but he grins widely and picks up one of the photos of me at primary school. They line the glass cabinet three and five deep in some areas.

“Tell me there are more of these?”

“Of course there are,” I say sourly. “I’m surprised I didn’t need a guide dog, the damage this woman did to my retinas.”

My mum smacks my arm. “I don’t know why I bothered. Jesus, he was an ugly baby.”

“Ma!” I say, scandalized.

“It’s the truth. The Lord says not to be afraid of that. Why, when Father McConnell picked you up the first time it was only the fear of dropping you that stopped him crossing himself.”

I glare at her, but Silas breaks into roars of laughter. “It’s the nose. He has such a distinguished nose.”

“No child needs a distinguished nose like that. He looked like Bernard Bresslaw.”

I shake my head, but Silas has tears of laughter in his eyes. My mum grins at him and just like that I see the click as she falls for him.

The love fest continues as she cooks for him.

“You’ve done steamed mussels with cider and bacon,” I exclaim. “We only eat this on birthdays. Ow!”

She retracts the wooden spoon she’s just whacked my hand with. “This is for Silas, not you, and as such you’ll take a smaller portion.”

Silas smiles smugly and I kick his ankle. “Shut up.”

His smile widens and stays there all through dinner as we sit around the kitchen table and she regales us with tales of her cruise.

“Ma, please,” I say finally. “Did you not think adult entertainers meant porn stars?”

“I did not,” she says crossly. “I just thought they wouldn’t be singing Disney tunes.”

“What was your first clue?” Silas asks.

My mum taps her finger on the table. “I think it was the trick with the watermelon. Auntie Vera’s eyes nearly popped out of her head.”

“Oh God, please help me,” I sigh.

Silas laughs and, reaching over, he grabs my head, kissing me on the forehead before excusing himself to go to the loo.

We watch him go and the pinch she gives me surprises me. “What the hell?” I hiss. “What have I done now?”

“Not what you’ve done, but what you might do. Don’t ruin this, Oz.”

I stare at her. Her face is as serious as I’ve ever seen it. “What do you mean?”

She shakes her head. “That man is amazing.”

I can’t help my smile. It takes over my face and she relaxes slightly but still looks at me with caution. The smile falls from my face and I sigh. “Ma, he’s an earl. An earl, for fuck’s sake, is having dinner here.”

She shakes her head chidingly. “No. A man is having dinner here. Your man, finally, and he’s lovely.”

“He’s not my man.”

She gives me her clearsighted glance that since I was little has always seen right through me.

“Is he not then? Oh, I must have been mistaken.” I shoot her a look and she smiles.

“I said when you finally brought a man home who looked at you the way you should be looked at, I’d be happy.

” She kisses me and stands up to arrange her flowers. “Well, Oz, I’m happy.”

I pat her shoulder and go into the lounge. Silas is just coming down the hall and he grins at me.

“Alright?” I ask. “Were your eyes blinded by the bathroom?”

He grins. “I’ve never seen that shade of pink before. It’s very powerful.”

I shake my head. “She’s got the colour picking ability of Timmy Mallet.” He laughs and I sigh. “Well, you’ve seen it all. What do you think?”

To my surprise he glares at me. “There’s still almost a challenge about you at the moment. It’s like you’re waiting impatiently for me to look down on you and your mum for living here.”

“Can you blame me?” I say sharply. “The others–”

“Weren’t me,” he says sharply, the anger in his eyes startling. “Please do me the courtesy of not treating me as if I’m the ghost of your old boyfriends.”

When Silas is angry his voice gets impossibly posh. I open my mouth and what comes out is instinctive. “It’s very different from where you grew up.”

He nods. “It is. But that’s not your or your mum’s fault. I admire you both.”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve both had a lot thrown at you and you’ve risen from that as this tightknit loving family.

When we’re here, I don’t see what you see.

I see a warm home and the two of you. You’re this special club of two who love and protect each other above everything, and all I want is to join that club and have you care for me like that. ”

He looks so vulnerable that I can’t fucking stand it.

It hurts my stomach and my heart. I cup his cheek in my hand, feeling the softness of his skin and the warmth as if he’s brought the Cornish sun with him.

“I do,” I say fiercely, for once not considering my words and the consequences and just speaking bluntly and from the depths of me. “I do, Silas.”

His smile is glorious.