Page 35 of Only for Tonight (Only For #1)

twenty-eight

Jaxon

I sit on the bed, my whole body feeling like it got hit by a Mack truck.

The last four days have been some of the worst I’ve ever had.

Even worse than being told my season would be cut short to have surgery.

Even worse than being benched when you fuck up on the ice and have to sit there and watch your team without being able to help them.

It’s that feeling of helplessness that has seeped into my soul, and I don’t know how to make it stop or to get it to go away.

When I walked into the house, I was so happy to see her, yet I couldn’t do what I wanted to do.

It’s like my body was preparing itself for her to leave me.

Knowing I had a hand in altering her future was one of the worst feelings in the world.

Knowing because of me and my choice, it left her without a choice.

I was supposed to protect her, but from the beginning I failed.

My mind was already starting to guard myself from the pain of losing her and the baby.

It was driving me to the point where I felt like I was going to snap at any second.

My game has been off too and the whole team has been feeling it.

It’s a matter of time before Coach has enough of my shitty attitude and tells me to get my head out of my ass.

One thing I’ve been notorious about was not bringing my personal life to the ice.

I knew once I skated out there I had a job to do, however, the past couple of days I couldn’t shut it off.

I’ve never felt this way before in my life, and I also have never been so scared of what the future holds. Not when I was preparing to be drafted, not when I moved out of my house and to LA, all by myself with no support system. Not fucking ever.

She steps out of the bathroom, her eyes red from crying, crying because of me no doubt.

She’s been asking me for the past four days if everything was okay, and it was not.

It hasn’t been the same since Tiffany told me what she did.

She stands there and the tightness in my chest is an ache I don’t think will go away, ever. “We need to talk,” I whisper to her.

I see it happen before my eyes. The tears form at the bottom of her eyes and I want to rush up and take her in my arms, but I can’t. I can’t do that until she knows the truth and she accepts it. She accepts that because of me, her future was altered.

“You’re having second thoughts?” She puts her hands on her stomach and I wish my hand was under hers. I wish I could hold her and get strength and reassurance from her.

“I need to tell you something,” I start, and I wish my legs were strong enough for me to stand up and go to her, but I know they are not.

“Something that will…” I trail off, not even sure I want to say the words but knowing if I don’t tell her, it’ll eat me alive inside.

The last thing I want to do is keep a secret this big from her.

She deserves to know the truth, and if I don’t tell her, I’m just as bad as Tiffany.

“Oh my God!” She takes a step back, her voice cracking. “You cheated on me,” she accuses, and her breaths come in pants.

“What?” I gasp. “No.” I quickly shake my head side to side. “How could you think that? I could never. I would never.”

“You’ve been distant from me. Your texts have changed. You haven’t called me or FaceTimed me. You have not been yourself,” she replies, fumbling her words. I can see how nervous she is and I want to tell her to come to me, but I don’t. “And you came home, and you didn’t even kiss me .”

“Well, it’s not because I fucking cheated on you,” I hiss out. “I would never do that to you.” I quickly add in, “Never.”

“Then what the fuck is it?” she asks, her voice angry now. “What did I fucking do that you’ve changed in the last four days?”

“It’s not you,” I snap out, my heart beating so hard and fast in my chest it’s a miracle I’m not having a heart attack.

“Oh please”—she throws up her hands—“if you start the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk, I’m going to save you the time and?—”

“It’s my fault,” I blurt out and she looks at me, her face filled with confusion. “It’s my fault you’re pregnant.”

“Jaxon,” she says my name and rolls her eyes, “pretty sure I was there and had a hand in that.”

“No, not that,” I quickly refute. “It’s…” I run my hand through my hair and wish I could hold her in my arms while I tell her this, but I don’t have the courage to do it. “It’s…”

“Jaxon.”

“Tiffany found out that you're pregnant,” I relay, and her hands fall from her stomach to the sides of her.

“And that bothers you?” I see her swallow and I shake my head.

“I couldn’t give a shit if she knows or not. Eventually, everyone is going to know, but I told Kirby and Kirby’s girlfriend is best friends with her.”

“Okay.” She looks at me, unsure of where I’m going with this.

“I blocked her number on my phone because, well, she’s a bit—” I don’t say the word. “And then I got this unknown number and I answered it, thinking it was your mom. But it wasn’t, it was her.”

“Okay.”

“She called me all pissed that you were pregnant.”

“Well, that sounds about right.” She folds her arms over her chest. “She’s like One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. ”

I chuckle for the first time in five days, and I’m not surprised she’s the only one who can make me laugh. “You have no idea.” I look down, feeling my stomach rising. “She was pissed that it wasn’t her.”

“Well, again.” She whistles as she uses her finger to go around in a circle by her head.

“It gets worse.” My stomach feels like I’m going to hurl on her feet.

“She did something and I don’t know if you can ever forgive me,” I mumble and she stares at me.

“She fucking tampered with the condoms!” I roar the words out and she takes a step back, her face going white.

“I thought she was fucking with me. At least I fucking hoped she was fucking with me. But then I came home, and I went to check the ones I had left.” The color drains away from her face.

“Oh my God.” She puts her hand to her mouth.

I reach over and pull open the drawer where I stashed them. “And she fucking tampered with each and every single one of them. I opened one to check and?—”

“Oh my God,” she says again and I get up now to go to her, but she holds up her hand to stop me. The lump in my throat forms at the same time my hands tingle to touch her. “This is?—”

“I know,” I agree, rooted to my spot. “It’s so fucked up.”

“It’s diabolical,” she snaps. “She was going to fucking trap you with a child.”

“Forget about me.” I shake my head, still in disbelief. “She trapped you with a child. My child.” The guilt is rocking me. “You are the only innocent one in all of this.”

“I have no idea what to say right now, Jaxon. I?—”

“I’m so sorry, Ariella.” Her face flashes with something else and I have no idea what it is. “I never wanted this.”

“You never wanted this,” she repeats the words. “I know.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I quickly defend my words.

“I—” She takes a deep inhale. “I’m…” I close my eyes. “I just need to think.”

“Yeah.” I nod, giving her that as she bends her head and walks out of the bedroom.

“I’m going to go and take a walk on the beach.

” I watch her walk out of the room and then head over to the window overlooking the ocean.

I wish I could go take a walk with her. I wish I had the courage to ask her to go with her.

I wish I could take her in my arms and bury my face in her neck and just wish everything was back to the way it was.

I wish I didn’t feel like a piece of shit.

I have gone through all the fucking emotions this week, from being in shock to being annoyed to being fucking pissed, and then back to annoyed and irritated.

But the biggest thing I’ve felt is feeling so fucking scared she is going to hate me. Scared this is the final straw for her and she’s going to leave. Scared to the depths of my soul that I’ll lose her and the baby. So scared I don’t know if I can make it if I do lose them.

I spot her walking from the house toward the water, stopping to look out into the distance.

The wind blows her hair in her face from the side as she turns her head, blowing the hair away from her face before she starts to walk down the beach, her head down as she does.

Turning away from the window, I head to the closet, and when I step in, I see she’s put all her clothes away.

The smile on my face quickly fades when I think about the fact that maybe this is going to change things. Maybe she’s not going to want to be here with me because of this bullshit. What if she’s not able to forgive me for my part in it? Even though I didn’t know what Tiffany had done .

I undress and get out of my suit, grabbing a pair of gym shorts and a T-shirt before I head down to the kitchen.

Seeing her boxes everywhere makes me feel like she’s finally here to stay, but for how long?

I walk back to the kitchen and see the red mark on the calendar that says her appointment day at the doctor.

I put my head back and then look over when I hear footsteps on the stairs in the back.

“It’s windy out there,” she declares, her arms crossed in front of her as she rubs her hands up and down her arms. “I need a sweater.”

“I have one hanging near the garage.” I point that way. “You finally got an appointment?”

“Yeah, I called while I was in New York,” she says, not looking at me.

“Do you think you can change it?” I ask her and she just stares at me. “It’s mandatory off-ice building.”

“I don’t think I can. They squeezed me in since the doctor is going on vacation next week.”

“Fuck,” I hiss out, “I don’t want you to go by yourself.”

“I can maybe ask Zoey if she can go with me,” she offers softly, “or I’ll just go by myself; it’s not that big of a deal.”

“It’s a big deal to me,” I rebut and she nods her head. “Can you check if you can change it?”

“I’ll go call now.” She walks toward her office as I open the fridge and look for something to make for dinner. She comes back in while I’m taking the chicken out. “They are fully booked, but she put me on the top of the list for cancellations.”

“Okay.” My heart sinks.

“Sorry about the mess,” she apologizes and I look at her as she motions with her hands toward all the boxes. “I tried to unpack fast. But I got behind at work and then at night I was exhausted.”

“I don’t give a shit, Ariella. If you want, we can hire people to unbox everything and you just tell them where to put things.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I’ll do it. I just have a big project I’m working on that is a week late.”

“Why don’t you go and take care of that, and I’ll make us dinner,” I suggest to her.

“Okay,” she agrees and walks to her office.

I stand in the kitchen, my head hanging down, wanting like fuck to just go and force her to talk to me, but I don’t want to pressure her.

We sit through dinner and it’s painstakingly awkward with forced conversation.

I’d rather have all my teeth and nails pulled out than do this again.

After dinner, we sit on the couch as I flip through channels and she lays her head down and falls asleep.

Definitely not how I wanted to spend my evening, especially since I was away from her for the last fucking five days.

I wanted to spend it with me touching her, with her touching me.

With us lying together, I need it more than I think I’ve ever needed anything in my whole life.

I turn the television off and take her in my arms. She rouses for a bit. “Jaxon,” she mumbles my name sleepily.

“Right here, baby.” I kiss the top of her head as I take her upstairs and tuck her into bed. I slide in next to her and pull her into my arms. I finally bury my face in her hair and close my eyes, and for the first time in five days, I fall asleep without tossing and turning.