Page 170 of Only Fools Rush

As I said the words, they rang like the most ingrained and rightful belief I had ever held. That was how I had committed myself to violence to protect my brothers and sisters. That was how I had climbed the ranks of the vigilante group that ran my town. That was how I survived with the Camorra, and how I had ultimately left them to form the Shadows. With every drop of blood my hands spilled, I told myself the same thing, over and over.

Above all else, do what needs to be done. Distractions are death.

Leona kept her hands on my chest. My pulse raced under her touch. “Does that have to be true?”

“Yes. It is how I’ve survived. Any time I try to pursue one separately from the other, I fail. People get hurt. I have to choose.”

“Why did you even agree to this partnership if you thought you couldn’t have both?” she asked, tone desperate. “I thought youwantedboth.”

“When Volpe beat us at Ryuji’s club, I realized I’d made an error. I’d already become distracted by you, and because of that, we failed that night.” I shook my head. “I truly believe the six of us can take New York and go even further. But only if I stay focused, only if I do what I must do to gain the power we need.”

Her breathwhooshedout of her. “You thought it was your fault. Your mistake.”

“It was. I was too concerned with Volpe’s insults toward us to realize he’d been setting a trap the whole time.”

A small laugh escaped her lips. “I think we all made mistakes that night.”

“I am our leader. I am the one who shoulders this burden. This is why I must resist. I must be the one who pushes us toward our goals.”

Once we achieved our success, and we were safe in power, maybe then I could allow myself to hope.

“Well? Are you happy where we are?” she asked, the words so soft it was like they barely left her lips.

“No,” I replied. My eyes flicked to her lips. “But I can’t risk failing, so I must resist.”

She stepped out of my arms. The lack of her was void, empty, darkness. I had to stop myself from reaching for her as if her light held a gravitational pull that had ensnared me.

“Tell me why.”

She was testing me.

I closed my eyes. “After my parents died, I did everything I could to gain enough power to protect my siblings. When I was seventeen, I met a young boy who wanted to join the same vigilante group I had. He reminded me so much of my youngest brother. I used to play with him, bring him food, teach him the things I was learning in my classes. He had no one except me.” The past replayed in front of my eyes. I could almost taste the smoke in the air. “One night, I was asked to stand guard outside our leader’s house, but the boy found me and asked for food. He hadn’t eaten all day. I told him to stand in my place while I left to get some food. When I came back, my leader had been attacked. Our men fought off the attack, but the boy died, shot in the chest.”

I could still see his face. I could still feel that crushing guilt that I had caused his end.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, searching my face. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“If I hadn’t been distracted, if I had just stayed focused, that boy wouldn’t have died,” I continued. “My leader almost killed me that night. He taught me the lesson I had already learned. Distractions were death. He told me if it happened again, he would kill me, and then he’d kill all my real brothers and sisters.”

“Shit, Obi.” She shook her head. “I don’t…”

“I’m not telling you this for sympathy, but only for you to understand why I am this way.” I looked at my hands, picturing how much blood they carried. “I’ve never told anyone. Not even Ryu.”

It felt terrifying—and freeing—to speak of my past. Leona listened, even as my shadows curled around us.

“Obi, what do you want?” she whispered, searching my face. “Answer me straight. Do you want me to marry Cas?”

“Yes, and overwhelmingly,no,” I replied. The realization sank into my veins. Seeing that ring caused a bomb to go off inside my chest. The possibility that she’d be lost to me forever felt unacceptable. Yet inevitable.

“Talk to me,” she pleaded. “Please.”

“I cannot stand how much I want you. Yet I cannot let go of the fear that I will ruin everything.”

“You want me?” she breathed.

I stepped forward to press our bodies flush again. “I want you. So wholly and completely, I fear I will lose everything else I care about.” I allowed one of my hands to rest at the base of her throat. “I want you so fiercely that my nightmares are about losingyou, Leona. I want your headstrong willfulness. I want your strength. I want your brilliance and your bloodthirstiness. I want your body, and I want your soul. But I cannot ask you to give me what I cannot give you.”

“What do you mean?”