Page 29

Part N

“Hold on to Now”

November

I was in the cemetery again—standing under the funeral tent—and I was all alone. Everything was black and white, but it suited my mood. I looked down at the graves. I stood there for several moments before I got the eerie feeling that I was being watched. I turned my head slowly to the left and saw a woman standing there. I wondered if she was with the funeral home urging me to leave so they could take down the tent and put all the chairs away. I told her I’ll only be another moment, but she didn’t respond. I turned back to the graves and spoke a few last words to my parents, then I turned and walked back to the car. Halfway there, I realized the woman was following me. I walked faster, but she did as well, and she was catching up with me. I turned back again and saw, to my horror, that she had no face. Though, in the back of my mind I knew this shouldn’t bother me because I felt like I’d seen her before. I stood there and watched as she got closer and closer, my heart beating faster and faster.

Then, suddenly, she took my hand, and we walked through a stained-glass window into a world full of color. The green of the grass and the blue of the ocean were startling compared with the shades of grey from the last world. She pulled me along and we practically danced among the hills and cliffs, though our feet didn’t touch the ground. When we were both out of breath, she kissed me sweetly and I felt at home…

* * *

“Why would they want me?” I ask, incredulous.

“Why wouldn’t they want you, Clare?” Nate replies. “They were so impressed by your enthusiasm and your hard work on the presentation that they want you to lead them on it. Your passion for your homeland really shows through, girl.”

“I…um…” is all I can say.

When I came into the office this morning, Nate was brimming with excitement. I thought it was just because he and Isaac were finally married, but that wasn’t the only thing. Apparently, Mr. Walsh, the leader of the Ireland seniors group we did the presentation for a couple months ago, called, and they want to hire us. But only if I agree to go with them on the tour as their tour guide. Since then, I’ve been overwhelmed by this feeling of Other Me getting a similar proposition. I get the feeling that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do about it either.

“I’ve never even been to Ireland, and I’m not a tour guide,” I finally manage.

Nate dismisses my protestations with a wave of his hand. “You won’t be guiding everything because we’ll have guides for the more specific historical sites prebooked, but you’ll be there to coordinate them getting on the bus on time, making sure they all get the right rooms, and stuff like that. You’re great at organization and I’m sure you’ll be a natural when it comes to herding sheep around Ireland.” He laughs at his own joke. “See what I did there?”

“Ha ha. Very funny.” I’ve dreamed of going to Ireland my entire life, but this seems like a huge undertaking, and I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge. Plus, I haven’t really been anywhere. I can push buttons on a computer all day long and be called “organized,” but that’s totally different from organizing actual human beings. “I’m just not sure if I’m ready for something like this.”

“Clare, can I be real with you here for a moment?” Nate asks, coming to sit right next to me.

“When are you not ‘real with me’?”

“Touché,” he concedes. “Anyway, what I want to say is that I think you are ready for something exactly like this. You’ve been wanting to go to Ireland forever—even more so since your parents died—and you deserve the chance to get there. You’ve just tackled the daunting task of getting your driver’s license again. If you can do that, you can certainly do this. Plus, if you go with this group, you’ll be going for free and getting paid for it. Can you name a better scenario?”

“Not really, no,” I reply. “It’s still a lot to think about, especially since they’re wanting to go for a whole month. Can I have a bit to mull it over? I should probably talk it over with Abby too.”

He pats me on the back. “Of course you can! They aren’t going until next summer, and I told Mr. Walsh that if you didn’t go, then I would take them, and he seemed okay with that. Not thrilled since I’m not you, but okay enough to still book with us.”

“But you and Isaac have your honeymoon cruise to Alaska in July.”

“We could always reschedule it for June or August, if necessary. I’m sure Isaac will understand.” He gets up and heads back over to his desk. “Seriously, either way will work, but I think this would be good for you. As a travel agent, as an Irish-woman, and as someone who needs to get out there and live!”

* * *

Later that day, Abby and I are at the coffee house waiting for her mom to get there. It took two months, but Abby finally agreed to meet her mom to see what she had to say. In the meantime, I received many a text or phone call from Lynnette asking what else she could do and eventually told her again that she needed to be patient. Abby was hurt and needed space.

“I just don’t know if I can trust her,” Abby had said when we talked last month. “And I don’t want to get my hopes up, only to be disappointed, yet again. I’m too old and too tired for this shit. Pardon the language.”

“I hear you,” I’d agreed. “I can only tell you the feeling I got when I was on the phone with her, and I really felt she was being sincere. But you know her better than I do. And I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

We went over it from every angle, and finally, Abby called her mom and arranged to meet here, with me present. I sort of feel like the middlewoman in a negotiation, but the only negotiating is for Abby’s trust, and I can’t help with that. We have each other’s already, and her mom is going to have to win it back all on her own. Through all this, not a single one of us has mentioned Jack.

“Yeah, so Nate says I can have a while to decide, but what do you think?” I’ve just explained to Abby the whole leading-a-tour-group-in-Ireland-for-a-month thing to see what her thoughts are. She hasn’t said a word the whole time I’ve been talking, and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad sign.

“A month…that’s…quite a while,” she replies.

“It is. And I’ve never been overseas before, so it’s a lot to think about. Plus, being away from you.” I take her hand and rub little circles on the back of her hand with my thumb.

She doesn’t say anything for a long moment. “Yeah. A month is a while,” she repeats.

I realize this might not have been the right time to tell her about this when she’s already nervous about meeting up with her mom. She’s just looked up again expectantly at the front door to see if her mom is the one entering. “How are you feeling?” I ask.

“I’m good. Yeah…I’m fine,” she replies, her leg dancing a jig under the table.

“Would you like something else? A muffin or a scone?”

She fidgets with her napkin for a second while she thinks. “Sure. A scone would be good. I don’t care what flavor.”

I pat her on the shoulder. “Coming right up.”

While I’m up at the counter ordering the scone and a muffin, I glance at the front window and see Lynnette approaching. I let out a sigh of relief because I was starting to get scared she wasn’t coming, and that would crush Abby. The barista hands me Abby’s blueberry scone and my lemon poppyseed muffin, and I make my way back to the table.

“Hi, Clare,” Lynnette says as I sit back down with the food. “I was going to go up and order, then I’ll be back, but I wanted to say hello first.”

“Hi, Mrs. Cassidy. It’s nice to see you,” I reply because after speaking with her the last couple of months, I really do think she wants to turn things around with her and Abby’s relationship.

Lynnette goes off to order, and I start eating my muffin. Abby picks at her scone, more playing with it than actually eating it. She has a far off look in her eyes, so I don’t disturb her and continue eating my muffin and drinking my English breakfast tea. We sit like that for a few minutes before Lynnette comes back with a cappuccino and croissant.

“Abby,” Lynnette begins, “I’m not going to beat around the bush. I want to start with how sorry I am for how I’ve treated you over the years. I have always wanted the best for you, and I thought I was doing what was right for you to set you up for the best life possible. Obviously, I was wrong. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“Mom, I…” Abby trails off. She looks off into the distance and squints as if she can’t think of the right words to say back to her mother’s apology.

“Sweetheart, I know it will take some time—”

Abby shakes her head. “No, sorry, Mom, it’s not that.” She turns to me and points to a table in the far corner of the coffee house. “Clare, isn’t that Suz over there?”

I look where she’s pointing and it is Suz at a table by the window, sitting alone with her laptop. “What should I do?” I ask, panicked. I think about ducking under the table, but it never works in movies or on television.

“Well, I don’t think she’s seen you, but it’s only a matter of time,” Abby says. “She has to walk past us to get to the exit.”

“Crap. Are you okay here? Do you want me to stay?” I ask Abby, glancing at Lynnette knowingly.

Abby shrugs. “No, I think we’re okay. Might be good for us to have a few moments alone. Go ahead and talk to her. Clear the air, maybe.” Then, pretending to pick her napkin up off the floor, she says quietly to me, “Mom seems really sincere.”

“If you’re sure.” I push back from the table and stand up slowly. “Sorry for the interruption, Mrs. Cassidy.”

“That’s okay, Clare,” Lynnette says, generously.

I most definitely didn’t want to see Suz today—or really ever again, if I’m entirely honest—but it was inevitable. Made more so by the fact that we’re literally at the coffee house across the street from Suz’s apartment. My old apartment.

Wait a minute. Suz doesn’t even like this place. What is she doing here? I start marching over to Suz’s table, chicken out once, then turn around when I see Abby shooing me on, and finally make my way there. True to form, Suz doesn’t bother to look up when I approach. She has the intense look of concentration she gets when she’s writing code or playing a particularly difficult level in a game.

“Hey,” I say.

She types a few more words on her keyboard, looks up with no change in expression and says, “Hey.”

I sigh. Same old Suz. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. You?” Her face softens ever so slightly, but not enough to express a change in mood or happiness to see me.

“I’m fine too. Hey, I thought you hated this place.” I gesture at her table and the detritus of food and beverage scattered around.

She shrugs. “My coffee maker broke, and I haven’t had a chance to get a new one, so I’ve been coming here to work. It’s not so bad.”

Wow. “Okay, well I just came over to let you know that Abby and I are dating now. I thought you should know, and I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.” I don’t know who else she’d hear it from, but it seems like the polite thing to say.

“Good for you?” She says this like a question. “And, thanks, I guess.”

I don’t know how I expected this conversation to go, but this was probably all I could have hoped for from her. “Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah. See you around,” she says then dives right back into her computer.

She’ll never change, I guess. I stand there for another few seconds before I walk straight back to my table. When I get there, Abby and Lynnette are hugging, which I take as a great sign, so at least one of the interactions in this coffee house went well today.

“Awww, did things go well?” I ask.

Abby is the first to respond. “Yes. It’s going to take some time, but we’re going to go see a counselor and work on our mother-daughter relationship.”

“That’s wonderful news,” I say, thrilled for both of them, but mostly for Abby.

“I’m so glad Abby has taken it into her heart to hear me out and work on our relationship with me. I love her so much.” Lynnette gives Abby another squeeze. “And I’m so glad to hear about the two of you being together.”

I blush and feel Abby’s arm draw me into a side hug. “We couldn’t be happier,” she says.

“Great news all around,” Lynnette says. “This has filled me with so much joy.”

“Me too, Mom,” Abby replies.

The three of us have a group hug before Lynnette leaves to head back home. Abby sits back down and actually eats a couple bites of her scone before turning to me. “My mom kicked my dad out.”

I nearly choke on my cold tea. “What?”

“That night at the Angus Barn.” Abby nods. “Right after we left, she had it out with him, and she gave him an ultimatum: either apologize to me or get out. He left the next day.”

“Oh my god, you’re kidding!” I exclaim.

“Nope. She said he’s staying with Uncle Mark until he finds a place.”

“Good for her, I guess. How do you feel about that?” I ask.

She thinks about this for a moment. “Honestly, I’m kinda glad. We both deserve better. I mean, I’m sure there will be a lot more to unpack when Mom and I go to counseling, but for now, I think it’s a great thing for both of us.”

“Wow. I just can’t believe it.” I shake my head.

“Yeah.” She pushes away the rest of her scone, then rests her head on her hands. “So, do you think I could come with you on this Ireland trip, if you go?”