Page 21

Part J

“Dare You to Move”

July

A month has gone by, and I still haven’t told Abby about the dreams. It feels like there’s just one thing after another preventing me from talking with her, from her parents calling the night we went dress shopping to “driver’s ed” to work stress for me to wedding details taking up a lot of our free time. Or maybe I’m letting things get in the way because I’m scared. Either way, the more I put it off, the harder it feels being around her without telling her, and the more I know I need to rip the proverbial Band-Aid off.

Sitting at my desk where I’m supposed to be confirming all the details of the Goffins’ Lord of the Rings Nerdventure, and my mind has again wandered to Abby. My hands are on my keyboard, but my head is lolled back and I’m staring off into space. This is where Nate finds me when he comes back from his lunch break.

“Clare? Earth to Clare,” he says, waving his hand in front of my face.

I snap out of my stupor and automatically hit all the keys my fingers were on. My laptop makes the “what the hell are you doing, woman” beeping sound. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry.”

Nate laughs as he sits down at his desk. “Girl, you were off in La-La Land. What were you daydreaming about? Abby?”

Since I haven’t told Nate about the dreams and swore Isaac to secrecy, I don’t have to play at being shocked. “What? No, of course not. What did Isa— What made you think I’d be thinking about Abby?”

“Oh, come off it, girl. You’ve been hot for her for months now. I saw the way you looked when you were dancing with her at our engagement party. Not to mention your little freakout when you saw her in that tux at the bridal shop.” He gives me a knowing smile. “And don’t worry, Isaac didn’t have to say a thing.”

“I…uh…” I’m quite literally speechless.

He rolls his desk chair over, then spins mine so we’re facing each other and our knees are mere inches from touching. “Now that you know I know, dish. Tell me absolutely everything.”

Seeing the earnestness, but also kindness, in his eyes, I don’t hesitate for long. I start from the beginning and leave nothing out. The dreams, the panic attack at the symphony where I told Isaac, the déjà vu I’ve been feeling, being overwhelmed by seeing her in the tuxedo. Every single detail.

When I’m finished he sits back, looking spent. “Wow,” is all he says.

“Please tell me you have something to say other than ‘wow.’”

He puts his hand up. “Give me a minute. That’s a lot of information to get all at once. I’m processing.”

I nod and we sit in silence for several moments while he digests all I’ve told him. Finally, he looks back at me and says, “You have to tell her.”

“I know, and I keep trying to, but—”

“No, like, you have to tell her now,” he insists. “Isaac told me he ran into Abby, and she said that her parents are setting her up on some blind date with some lawyer chick they know. You have to get in there first.”

“Why haven’t I heard anything about this?” I’m genuinely surprised that Isaac—or Nate, for that matter—would know something like this before me, her best friend and roommate.

“It just happened today right before he and I had lunch.” He waves his hands dramatically. “But that’s not the important part. She said yes to going on this date, which means she’s either just doing it to get her parents off her back or she’s genuinely interested.”

I scoff. “Obviously it’s the first one.”

“Do you really want to take that chance?”

I shake my head. “Of course not. I’ll talk to her tonight.”

“Good girl. Now, get back to work before your boss hears you’ve been slacking off.” He winks before he slides his chair back to his desk.

“Thanks, Nate.”

“You’re welcome. Now go get her!”

* * *

When I get back to the apartment that evening, Abby’s sitting in the living room doing something on her phone. I put my things down in my room, then join her on the sofa.

“Hey,” she says, finishing whatever she was doing, then looking up at me. “Have I got a story to tell you.”

Not wanting to lose my nerve or get derailed again, I plunge forward. “Actually, there’s something I’ve been really wanting to talk to you about for a while now, if that’s okay.”

She looks at me, concerned. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine. It’s nothing bad.” I hesitate. “It’s good. At least I hope it will be.”

“Great, I’m always in the mood for good news.” She tucks her legs underneath her and faces me expectantly. “Spill.”

Suddenly I’m more nervous than I thought I would be, and my palms are sweating. I wipe them on my pants and swallow the fear down. You can do this. Just as I’m getting ready to speak, Shelley jumps up on the sofa and curls up next to Abby. To say I’m shocked is an understatement because she doesn’t sit with anyone but me. Abby reaches down to pet her, and Shelley purrs contentedly. “Have you always been able to pet her?”

Abby looks down at the cat like she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. “Oh, no, this is pretty recent. She’s been more affectionate with me lately. Or maybe the better way to put it is not standoffish.”

This is huge. It’s another sign this is the right time to finally tell her. “So, you know all those dreams I’ve had since my mom and dad died?”

“The ones where a faceless person does all sorts of romantic things for you?”

I’m hit with another feeling that I’ve heard her say those words before, but I tamp that down because I need to get this out if it kills me. “Yes, those. Only, lately, the faceless person has morphed from this genderless figure into someone distinctly female.”

Her eyes widen with interest. “Really? That’s crazy. Does she have a face or like hair or something where you can tell who she is?”

My heartrate starts to speed up, but I take a couple deep breaths to calm myself down. You are okay. This is Abby and you can tell her anything. You are not going to have a panic attack right now. You are okay. “Still no face or anything like that, but with the last few I’ve had this intense feeling that she’s—”

“Oh my god!” Abby exclaims. “You have to be kidding, right?”

Has she guessed? Is she mad? Happy? “Um…” is all I’m able to eke out before she continues.

“I can’t believe you’d consider going back to her just because of some dreams. Seriously, Clare? I mean this in the kindest way possible, but she isn’t right for you.” She takes my hands in hers. “There is someone right for you, and maybe these dreams have something to them, and maybe they don’t, but she’s not the one in the dreams.”

“Hold on,” I say, realization dawning. “You thought I was going to say Suz?”

She nods. “Yeah. You weren’t? Then who were you talking about?”

“Well, I was going to say that she’s…you.” There, it’s out. I finally did it. Go me!

Abby’s features cycle through the annoyance she had when she thought it was Suz, to relief that it isn’t Suz, finally landing on shock mixed with confusion. “Me?”

I squeeze her hands. “I know. It’s crazy. I have been so uncertain about whether to tell you or not, but then Nate said that Isaac said that you were going on some blind date your parents set up with some lawyer, and I—”

My ramblings are cut off by the sound of Abby’s musical laughter. She releases my hands and throws her arms around my neck, still racked with giggles.

“I’m glad you’re taking this so well,” I say.

She pulls back, composing herself, and replies, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just that…well…I’ve sort of had feelings for you for quite some time.”

I have no words, but I’m sure she can tell from the look of shock on my face what I’m thinking.

“I know. I’m actually kinda surprised that of the two of us, you had the guts to actually say something. Good for you!” she enthuses, playfully punching me in the shoulder.

“How long?” I ask.

Hand on her chin, she looks up at the ceiling for a moment like she’s counting. “Probably since college.”

“Since college? This is insane. Why didn’t you ever say anything or do anything?”

“I don’t know. At first, it was because I assumed you were straight ‘cause you only seemed interested in guys in high school and college. Then, when you did show an interest in girls after you came out, you were drawn to the more—how do I say this without sounding mean?—stoic, goth types.”

I open my mouth to object but shut it when I realize she’s right.

“Once you started seeing Suz, I figured it was all over ‘cause you seemed in it for the long haul— although I knew she was never right for you. Then when you did break up with her, I wanted to give you space to deal with the breakup. And here we are,” Abby concludes.

“Did you ever tell anyone else how you felt?”

“I never outright told them, but I think Nate and Isaac might suspect something,” she says.

“Of course they do, which is why they both pushed so hard for me to tell you,” I muse. Or she thinks they suspect something because I’ve been talking to them about my feelings lately.

“Probably,” she replies. “And oddly enough, your parents seemed to know ‘cause your dad said something about us making a cute couple once. But that was all they ever said about it.”

I’m even more caught off guard by this last news. My parents knew? I don’t get too long to digest it though because Abby continues.

“But the more I thought about it, the more I wasn’t sure I should do anything about it. We’re best friends. I don’t want to be all cliché here, but I don’t want to lose that if this doesn’t work out,” she says gesturing between the two of us.

“I completely understand,” I say, but I’m not sure I mean it. “I don’t want to ruin what we have either because you are my best friend and that means more to me than anything.”

“But don’t worry, I’m not going to fall in love with Belinda, the lawyer my parents set me up with. I talked with her, and she sounds nice and all—not like that Lily—but she’s also being pressured by her parents to date more, so we’re really only doing the blind date to get them off our backs.”

I feel my shoulders relax a little. “Sounds like a good idea.”

“Hug it out?” she asks with arms spread wide.

And we do, but I’m devastated. I really think Abby is the one in the dreams, but if she’s going to go on a blind date with this other woman even though she’s liked me for years, what does that say?

We pull apart and Abby gets up to go to her room. I, on the other hand, am rooted to the spot.