Page 5

CHAPTER FIVE

I hurried out of the bar, and didn’t even wait until I got to my car to text her:

Hey! Just checking on you to see if you’re okay. Been thinking about you all day.

I had no idea if it would go through. I took my time driving home, replaying my conversation with Stan. Even though he’d gone through my phone for me, I was pretty sure he still thought the whole thing was an elaborate prank. But he hadn’t been on the phone with her. He’d only seen the texts, and those didn’t convey the desperate emotions in her voice. How did therapists do this every day? I wondered. I was exhausted from the past twenty-four hours. This was why I only volunteered once a month.

It’d been so hard in the beginning because it brought all my feelings about Holly to the surface, but it had propelled me to face them, exactly like my therapist had predicted. Sometimes it still did; I had just learned how to work through my emotions. But it wasn’t only that. Being with others in their pain, especially the kind of pain people were experiencing when they called the center, was tough. I used to get sick every Monday after my weekend shifts. It was like my body’s way of shutting down to process things. I’d probably get sick once all this was over.

I pulled into the driveway just as my phone vibrated with a text. I looked down. It was an unknown number. Was it her? Adrenaline tensed my muscles. The exhaustion gone that quickly.

Hi

Are you okay?

She sent a shrugging emoji.

Have you talked to anyone else today? Told them about how you’re feeling? It could be too much too soon, but every minute counted when it might be our last conversation.

I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want everything to be over.

I understood how she felt. I’d gone to grief counseling after my sister died, because no matter what anyone else said, I just didn’t get it. My sister was happy. She loved life. She had a family that cared for her and if she’d reached out to any of us, we’d have parted the ocean to save her. My therapist explained that depression was a cunning beast, and it could sneak up on you slowly. It didn’t always happen like you might see it portrayed in media: visible despair, days in bed, withdrawing from life. There was a kind of depression that couldn’t stop moving or working. That got up every day and wore a big smile so the ones the person loved didn’t worry. The depression that needed more and more until it became intolerable, like being force-fed something you could no longer keep down. And in that moment, the person didn’t want to die—they just wanted to feel nothing. That stuck with me. It was hard enough getting adults to see a future outside of that moment, and getting a teenager to do that was going to be almost impossible. Teens lived in a world where the future didn’t exist.

But I had to try. I wrote back:

I know right now it feels like this experience is going to ruin your life and things will never change; that there’s no way out, but I promise you things can change and you won’t always feel this way.

You’re just saying that bc you’re an adult and you have to

No, I’m not. I know what it feels like to be trapped in a really dark place. To feel powerless. I’ve been there.

I stared at my words after I’d sent them. The truth was I didn’t know the right thing to say in this moment. So I gave her the only thing I had—my lived experience. I could feel her staring at the words, too. Wondering what she should say. How she should respond. Finally, her text bubbles, then:

Did something happen to you?

My thumbs hovered on the keyboard. I was about to tell a stranger my darkest secret. What was I doing? I shoved the fears down. If I was going to ask her to be brave, then I had to be brave, too.

Can you call me?

A call from another unknown number flashed across my screen immediately.

CHLOE: [awkward and hesitant] Hey…

FELICIA: Hi, uh, thanks for calling. It’s a lot to write out in a text and it’s good to hear your voice.

CHLOE: You sound different.

FELICIA: What do you mean?

CHLOE: You sounded different on the phone last night.

FELICIA: I did?

CHLOE: Mm-hmmm…

FELICIA: Maybe it’s because I was using a headset and I’m on a computer when I’m at the center.

CHLOE: Right. Is that the something bad that happened to you—someone committed suicide? Is that why you work there?

FELICIA: Well—my sister died by suicide, so that’s why I started working there. You’re right about that. But that’s not what I’m talking about. That’s not why I can relate to what you’re going through.

CHLOE: It’s not? What happened to you?

FELICIA: [deep breath] I was assaulted by a boyfriend seventeen years ago, and he almost killed me. It’s not exactly the same situation as you. I get that. Nobody recorded the incident and sent it around to other people. I don’t understand that part, and I know it must add a whole other level of pain to the experience… but I do know what it’s like to have your innocence completely stripped away from you in an instant. To have something so traumatic happen to you that nothing feels real afterward. I know what it’s like to spend all your time wishing for a life you know you’ll never get back. To feel alone and want to die from the shame and embarrassment. But nothing was worse than not feeling safe, and—

CHLOE: YES! I never stop being scared. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything. When I try to sleep, I just have these awful nightmares. I see stuff—what they did to me, them laughing—whenever I close my eyes. It’s like they’re watching me. Still. And I’m just terrified. I’m so tired of being scared. I—I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

FELICIA: I understand. I really do. And I promise it goes away eventually. It does. You learn how to feel safe again. It just takes awhile. And the key thing is, you’ve got to have people around you that can love you and support you through it.

CHLOE: So you told people what happened to you?

FELICIA: I did.

CHLOE: I’m such an idiot. I should’ve listened to my mom. I wasn’t supposed to go to that stupid party and I did anyway. That’s what I get.

FELICIA: Oh, honey. Whatever happened wasn’t your fault.

CHLOE: Yes, it was. I wasn’t supposed to be there, and if I’d just done what my parents told me to do, then none of this would be happening. It’s all my fault!

FELICIA: I want you to know that I’m a parent, too, and I’d want my child to tell me if something awful happened to them so that I could help them. Even if they’d done something they weren’t supposed to do. Seriously. I’d just want to be there for them no matter what. I’m sure your parents feel the same way.

CHLOE: You don’t know my parents.

FELICIA: You’re right, I don’t. But it might help just to get it out.

[Long pause]

CHLOE: Well, maybe I could tell you… Do you want to know what happened?

FELICIA: Only if you want to tell me.

CHLOE: Promise you won’t tell anyone?

FELICIA: Your secret is safe with me.

CHLOE: Okay… [deep exhale]… There’s this guy I have a huge crush on, but he’s a senior, and I’m a freshman, so my parents would never let me hang out with him. They’d totally freak if they knew we were even talking. He’s one of those guys that got held back for sports, so he’s about to turn nineteen, you know? My best friend’s talking to one of his friends, too. Anyway, there was this huge party after the Worthington football game, and we were, like, two of the only freshman girls invited. Everyone else was basically juniors and seniors. [another pause] I told my parents I was sleeping over at her house, and she told her parents she was sleeping over at mine, so we could go to the party. I never should’ve gone…

FELICIA: Whose party? The boy you had a crush on?

CHLOE: No, it wasn’t at his house. It was at this kid Jett’s. He has all the parties after the football games. Everybody goes. [sniffles] Anyway, everything was fine in the beginning, you know? It was just like a regular party. People were having fun. But then my friend got superdrunk, like, sloppy, you know what I mean? So, I pretty much just had to take care of her. And before you get all judgy—I didn’t drink anything.

FELICIA: I would never judge you. I’m just here to listen, and help.

CHLOE: Well, just so you know, I never drink alcohol—it’s gross, and it makes me feel disgusting. I drank Sprite the entire night. Anyway, one minute we were in the living room dancing and acting like idiots. I remember that clearly. And then the next thing I remember is… what I remember is… being on my stomach on a bed. Someone was, you know… behind me, they were… they were… [sobbing]

FELICIA: It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. You don’t have to say it.

CHLOE: I wish I was as drunk as my friend. She doesn’t remember any of it. Not a single thing. They drugged her, too, but she was already blacked out by the time we got upstairs, so the whole night is gone. She doesn’t have any pieces. The only reason she knows it happened is because I told her. [pauses] Well, and the stupid video. She’s seen that, too. She was in the room with me, but she’s not on the video. For some reason, they decided to just film me. Guess I was special. [snort]

FELICIA: Do you know how many people there were? In the room?

CHLOE: Four? Maybe five? Might’ve been more.… I was terrified when I came to, and started trying to fight them off me. I kept kicking. Biting. Scratching. All that. But it was like my legs and my arms didn’t work right. Everything was floppy and uncoordinated. I guess it was because of the drugs they gave me or whatever. But I tried to fight them off me. Then I was stumbling around the room naked. I remember screaming for my clothes, bumping into things. I was so confused and disoriented. I thought—I thought my friend was dead. She wasn’t moving, just lying there face down on the bed with her arm flopped to the side. At first, I thought the guy behind her was trying to help her, and it took me a second to figure out what was really happening. What he was doing to her. I tried to get him off her, but he just threw me down, and I cracked my head on the floor. It was so hard to work my body. They all just stood around, laughing. That’s what they filmed. Someone filmed me freaking out… [starts crying softly]

FELICIA: Oh my god. I’m so sorry you were hurt like that. [long pause] Was this the guy you had a crush on? The one that pushed you?

CHLOE: [still crying] No, it wasn’t him. He left the party early because he was going on a college visit in the morning; he needed to get up at six or something crazy like that. But still, I’m sure he saw the video, and he’s never going to want anything to do with me now. Nobody is. So, that’s why I have to make them pay. [pause] You know what I was thinking today? I’m not sure I want to shoot them. If I shoot them, then they’re just dead in a second. That’s too easy. I want them to suffer. Really suffer.

FELICIA: [sudden change in her tone of voice, wavering] That’s understandable…

CHLOE: What’s wrong? You sound funny. Are you going to tell someone? You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone!

FELICIA: No, no, it’s not that. I’m sorry. I told you—I’m not going to tell anyone what we’ve talked about, okay?

CHLOE: Promise?

FELICIA: Yes. If—if I sound a little distracted, it’s just because my boss keeps blowing up my phone.

CHLOE: Oh. Do you have to go?

FELICIA: I hate to do this to you, sweetie, I really do, but I think I have to take his call. He says it’s an emergency. I feel awful cutting this short. Are you going to be okay? Can we talk later?

CHLOE: I’m not sure if I’ll be able to talk later.

FELICIA: Okay, well, if you can’t talk later, promise me that you’ll call or text me tomorrow? We can figure this out together. I promised to keep your secret, so you’ve got to give me your word that we’ll talk again soon.

CHLOE: Okay… I promise.

FELICIA: All right. Just remember that I care about you. And we’ll talk soon. I have to go now.

I hated lying to her, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had to get off the line. My hands shook. I dropped the phone on my lap and rubbed my face. My brain scrambled to make sense of things. It had been so difficult to feign ignorance for the second half of the call. Ever since she confessed to being at Jett’s party.

I knew Jett Frasier. He was on the cross-country team. And Hunter had been at the same party.