Page 21

CHAPTER 21

DANICA

"This is the best thing I've ever tasted," Danica heard herself say as she crunched on the freshly fallen snow she held in the palm of her mitten.

"Better than a Baja Blast?" Maggie asked beside her as she shivered in the cold.

The four of them stood out on the deck, their breath fogging the air around them as they admired the view of Mountain Village at night. The resort was lit up only by the snowcats grooming the trails late in the evening. Snow had begun falling steadily as they'd started in on their Taco Bell feast, and now, two hours later, a fresh inch coated the world. The night smelled crisp and cold, with a hint of firewood smoke, and she wanted to bottle the moment to keep forever, delicious snow and all. Every sensation felt magnified, like the world was in syrupy slow-motion and hyper-color.

"I'd spend so much money to have a Baja Blast snow cone," Danica said, her mouth watering at the thought. “Why didn’t I save any of my drink? I just chugged it and now it’s gone.” Her despair felt oddly heightened. She'd eaten the handful of weed gummies earlier, desperate to drown out the pain of what Kiera had said to her during their fight. Kiera's actions — the lies, the deception, her harsh, unresolved exit — left a bitter taste in her mouth, a sense of injustice and hurt.

What she'd lacked in foresight about her THC tolerance, she made up for in the very, very good mood she was in now. The few times she'd smoked weed back in college, she'd been too anxious to enjoy herself, but now she felt mellow and loose and wow , snow was the most delicious thing in the world. She liked the way it crunched in her mouth, melting on her tongue.

"How much snow can she eat before hyponatremia sets in?" Izzy asked beside her. “Does it help or hurt that she ate three Crunchwraps?”

Danica considered the thought, staring down at the snow in her hand. "Whoa, you guys. I just remembered that snow is frozen water."

Pete snorted in amusement, putting an arm around her waist to hold her steady. "Let's take a break on snow snacks for now, Wendell."

"Let's take a break from being outside. It's fucking freezing," Maggie said, and Izzy agreed.

Danica glanced sidelong at Pete, not feeling the cold at all. For some reason, the sight of Pete made her want to burst into tears.

"You guys go in. We'll be right behind you in a moment," Pete said, her eyes flicking to Danica's mouth. No, to Danica's quivering chin. She looked as though she may burst into tears at any moment.

Danica heard Izzy and Maggie crisp steps through the snow on the deck to walk back inside.

"You okay?" Pete asked.

“You betcha," Danica said with forced vigor. If she looked at Pete's perfect face for much longer, she was going to really start sobbing. She tilted her head skyward, looking up at the stars. "Look, your dog is right above us." She pointed up to Canis Major, Sirius' bright sparkle ever-obvious.

Pete snorted in amusement. "You know why I always loved Canis Major?"

"It's easy to find?" Danica asked.

"Because I always wanted a dog," Pete said. "To me, kids in stable homes had dogs. Dogs were loyal in a way that I wanted. Families on TV had dogs, which meant they had chosen to care for something for a lifetime. I always thought that if I was adopted, my family would have a dog."

Danica's heart clenched, and tears stung her eyes. "Did any of your foster families have dogs?"

Pete shook her head. "Nope. The longest I ever stayed with one was three years — that was where I met Lillian. But they had a bunch of foster kids, so adding a dog into the mix probably wouldn’t have been a good idea. So, Canis Major was my dog.

The stars were familiar, the same wherever I went. I'd imagine flying through them late at night, all alone but not lonely."

"Why didn't you get a dog when you graduated college?" Danica asked, wiping tears at her cheeks. She stared up at Canis Major, picturing a young Pete looking up at the same constellation to bring herself some comfort. Her heart ached for Pete in those moments.

Pete shrugged, leaning on the deck railing. "I traveled too much. It wouldn't have been fair."

"And now?" Danica asked.

Pete turned, her cheeks flushed in the cold. "I don't know what the future holds. I know what I want the future to hold, but… that’s something we should talk about when you haven’t eaten, like, two hundred milligrams of edibles.”

A long silence stretched between them, interrupted only by the muffled sounds of the other people in Mountain Village. Danica didn't know how to respond to that — didn't know if she should respond to that. Her head felt floaty, like it might untie from her neck at any moment. She reached to hold the edges of her beanie to keep her head attached. "I'm way too high for this conversation," she said finally, her cheeks burning with embarrassment.

Pete grinned. "I know. Let's go back inside."

"But I want to look at the stars," Danica whined, and Pete laughed quietly behind her, ushering her back inside as she traversed the slippery terrain of the patio.

Maggie and Izzy sat on the couch watching something on TV, but Danica took one look and decided she'd rather go lie down just in case her head decided to detach again. Pete walked her into her room, setting a fresh glass of water on her nightstand.

"Do you still have that app?" Danica asked.

"What app?" Pete asked, pulling her pajamas out of a drawer. She gestured for Danica to raise her arms, and Danica did, letting Pete undress her.

"The one you made. The night sky flying simulator?" Danica asked.

Pete looked a little bashful at the suggestion. "I do. Why?"

"I want to play it," Danica said, raising her arms again as Pete pulled her pajama shirt over her head. "I think I am exactly the right amount of high for that right now."

Pete grinned. "Okay. I'll go grab my computer in a minute. But stand up first."

With her hands on Pete's shoulders for balance, Danica let Pete remove her snow-wet sweatpants, replacing them with pajama pants. Pete had undressed her countless times, but the gentle way she dressed Danica in her pajamas now felt so tender and intimate that Danica wanted to burst into tears again.

Pete got her settled in bed, then left and returned with her laptop. "This is the only updated version I have," she explained, opening the laptop and hitting a few buttons before turning it toward Danica.

Danica's eyes widened, looking at the elaborate Start menu, tiny pinpricks of starlight swirling around the screen. Maybe it was the great design, maybe it was the great edibles, but the sheer artistry of the app was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. Pete settled beside her and gave her pointers for starting, and then Danica was maneuvering her way through the stars. Though the game took liberties with time and space, it was fun as hell. She sailed around Canis Major, then down into Lepus, the constellation she'd always said was her favorite.

"I lied," Danica said calmly as she circled the Lepus Nebula, lilac and tangerine colors swirling around the screen like a giant eye.

Pete tensed beside her. "What about?"

"I said that Lepus was my favorite because it was near yours, but what I really liked about it was that the dog was chasing the hare. I used to think you'd follow me anywhere.” Another blush of shame accompanied Danica's whispered words.

Pete’s expression went feather-soft. “I would follow you anywhere, Danica.” A whispered promise.

“You’re just saying that. You’re not serious.” Danica wiped hastily at her eyes.

Pete’s lips brushed over her temple. “I think we could get it right this time. I want a future with you, I want… Wait, why are you crying so hard?”

This time, the tears actually happened, coming suddenly, like she was a fizzing drink that had finally spilled over. "Don't worry, it's just the gummies. I’m totally, totally fine." A terrible lie. She was just too overwhelmed to talk about such a scary thing. She couldn’t even fathom the future right now without crying harder.

“We can talk about this more tomorrow.” Pete took Danica in her arms, moving the laptop off to the side of the bed. "Let's get some sleep, huh?" she said in the gentle voice people used for upset children.

"Okay," Danica said through snot and sniffles and tears. Suddenly, she was deathly-parched. She reached for her water, taking a few gulps, then settled back down against Pete. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I've always been such a mess."

"You're one of the least messy people I've ever met," Pete said with a chuckle, resting her cheek on Danica's head. "Take a deep breath. I’m here. I’m with you."

Danica did as she was told, clutching Pete as she drifted off to sleep.

She awoke in the early dawn hours, starving and thirsty. Her phone said it was only 5 a.m. but she was wide awake. Pete had stayed beside her all night and slept in her clothes. The thought made Danica smile with tenderness as she gazed at the woman in her bed.

In the cold reality of morning, a heavy weight settled in her stomach. The words Pete had said the night before, the future she wanted — it wasn’t real. Pete had always lived in an idealistic world where love was enough, but Danica was stuck firmly in reality.

Pete deserved someone who could adventure with her. Someone who could drop everything and fly off into the night at a moment’s notice. Someone who she’d be excited to follow. They were too different. Pete would grow to resent her eventually.

Pete’s words last night had sent her reeling. She hadn’t been in the right headspace to understand exactly what Pete had been saying the night before, but she sure was now. Pete wanted a future that Danica couldn’t give her.

Danica had spent the past few days trying to imagine what a future with Pete might look like, but she couldn't picture herself fitting into Pete’s life or Pete fitting into hers. They had chemistry and a genuine connection, but was that enough?

She didn’t expect that after spending time with Pete again, enjoying her company, feeling old familiar comfort and sparks would lead to this. She had thought that she could have a fun fling that might help her feel confident and happy and distracted. Instead, a tender, vulnerable emotion had crept up over the past few days, settling in with confidence the night before. An emotion that terrified her more than anything. A feeling she was too scared to let take root.

Kiera had already left her so raw and hurting. She couldn't risk that kind of loss again. Not from Pete. It would hurt far worse.

Pete slept deeply as Danica silently gathered her belongings and slipped from the room. She carried her suitcase to avoid the sound of the wheels on the hardwood, and noted the rich, nutty scent of brewed coffee. The sight of Izzy at the island, enjoying coffee and a magazine, sent her pulse soaring with anxiety. She'd been hoping to make a clean getaway.

Izzy glanced up to where Danica awkwardly clutched her suitcase in her arms. "Are you leaving?" she asked quietly, her tone falling somewhere between curiosity and understanding. Far nicer than Danica felt she deserved.

"Yeah, it's a long drive," Danica said awkwardly.

"Pete still asleep?" Maggie asked from behind her, and this time Danica nearly dropped her suitcase.

She nodded, feeling the familiar warmth of shame in her cheeks. "Yeah. Sorry, I just..." She didn’t know what to say. That she was a coward? That she was panicking about what Pete had said the night before?

"What a week, huh?" Maggie said with a gentle smile, making Danica put her suitcase down for a hug.

Danica let out an exhausted laugh. "What a fucking week."

"Here, I'll help you carry that out to your car," Izzy said, appearing beside her and lifting her suitcase.

"Oh, you don’t have to — thank you," Danica stammered in surprise.

"Let me know when you make it home," Maggie said, watching Danica pull on her ski jacket.

Danica nodded, giving Maggie another hug. "You, too. Give Gwen and the kids a hug for me." She opened the front door and led Izzy to where her SUV was parked in the small parking lot. At least driving herself wouldn't make her as car sick as when she was a passenger. She planned to stop halfway in Grand Junction to grab a late breakfast or early lunch, and try to make it home by early afternoon.

How Kiera was getting home, she didn't know and didn't care at this moment. Not that she was any better than Kiera now, leaving Pete without saying goodbye. It was a different kind of leaving, but it was still the same. Easier than staying and seeing where it would lead. Easier than confronting the inevitable questions she had no answers for. No big fight in the quad to remember and analyze for years after. No regrets about missed moments. Just… leaving. She rubbed her temples as the ache in her chest deepened. Maybe this was the problem with always taking the "easy way out." They couldn’t hold on to just the good memories forever. They couldn't freeze time. They couldn’t keep pretending like everything would be fine when they knew it wouldn’t.

But this way, she thought, this way, at least they could focus on the good things, right? They could remember the sweet moments, the easy laughter, the way everything had felt lighter, simpler. The way it had been before she’d let herself get too close. Before she’d allowed herself to care. Because once she cared, once she felt it all, the exit was never easy. It never would be.

She hit the remote start to get her defroster going, then unlocked her trunk for Izzy to place the suitcase inside. She chucked the suitcase carelessly into the car, then turned to give Danica a serious look.

"She cares about you," Izzy said, her voice firm.

Danica blinked in surprise. "What?”

"Pete. Obviously, Pete. I won't pretend to understand what you're doing just leaving like this, or what you two discussed last night, but I do know that she cares about you, and now you're sneaking out like a thief in the morning. She doesn't deserve that."

Danica stepped back to shut the trunk of her car. The familiar sting of unshed tears pressed against her throat, thickening the air. "I know."

"So, why do this to her, then?" Izzy said, crossing her arms.

"Because we don't have a future together," Danica said impatiently.

"Says who? Because I know she's not saying that. In fact, I bet she's already planning how to move to Denver to be with you," Izzy said, her brows furrowed as her eyes stayed steady on Danica.

Danica blinked away the tears that had begun forming in her eyes. "I can't ask her to do that. It'd be like putting a bird in a cage."

Izzy huffed with exasperation. "Pete isn't a bird. She's a human being who loves you."

Danica’s eyes stung from the cold and the tears welling within them. She used her ice scraper to aggressively clear the ice from her windshield.

“You’re lying to yourself,” Izzy said, her voice raised and her cheeks flushed.

Danica stopped to glare across the car’s hood. “You don’t even know me.”

“I’ve known you since we were eighteen. I know you pretend to be some person who has it all together and that you can’t handle when your life isn’t perfect.”

“Spare me the soapbox life lessons,” Danica said, fuming. Izzy’s words were dangerously close to mirroring the little voice in the back of her head that always told her she wasn’t trying hard enough. “I wasn’t ready to talk about Eddie?—”

“I’m not talking about Eddie! I don’t even care about him. Just because you don't show it, doesn't mean you aren't struggling.”

Danica paused, staring at Izzy. Her body shook with cold. She was not wearing the right shoes to be getting lectured in a parking lot in below freezing temperatures. “Why do you care?”

"I care about Pete, and she cares about you. And I know that she's spent the last fifteen years trying to get over you by running all over the globe, working hard to build help others. Then it dawned on me last night when she told me wants to travel less, be more stable and build a life. There's only one person who she'd do that for." Izzy pulled her fleece jacket tighter around her against the chill of daybreak.

Danica moved to the other side of the car to continue clearing her windshield. "I don't want her to compromise anything for me."

“Believe me, I don’t either. But you have to let her make her own decisions," Izzy said. "Instead, you're being a stubborn, proud, idiot. Just like you usually are."

"Wow, Izzy. Thank you for the pep talk." Danica clenched her jaw.

"Just…” Izzy sighed with frustration. “Just think about it.” Izzy's expression had softened, which made Danica second-guess her reluctance to listen.

“There’s nothing more to think about.” Danica opened the driver's side door, tossing the ice scraper onto the passenger side floor.

“You know what I mean. Don’t shut Pete out again.”

Danica shook her head, anxious to get away from this conversation. "Have a good one, Izzy.”

Izzy grumbled something about how she'd at least tried, and turned to walk inside.

Danica turned up her seat heater, rubbing her hands together to feel warmth again. She wiped at her eyes, confused by what Izzy had said to her. Izzy had voiced Danica’s worst fears — that everyone saw through her facade. Had she been the one to shut Pete out before? Pete had been far more casual about a future with Danica when they’d had their big fight in the quad on graduation night, but she’d at least wanted to see what would happen. It had been Danica who had told her she was being an idealistic, immature idiot.

Was she doing the same thing all over again?

She paused, glancing back at the condo, half-expecting to see Pete standing there, but the door was closed. The snow crunched under the tires as she turned out of the lot and onto the road toward home.

It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t ask Pete to change for her, and Pete couldn’t ask her to sacrifice her stability. They were just too different. They wanted different things.

Didn’t they?