Page 54 of On the Land, We Shoot Straight

Cole broke off and shook his head as if he were back there, busy berating the boy he used to be.

He inhaled deeply and went on in a rush.

“Then that there prick saw us, and the other boy ran off, and Tom said all this nasty shit, like if anyone found out, well then, what’d they be thinkin’ about this queer boy?

You know, all that kinda shit. And he was like, we can make a deal, though.

How ’bout that? And then he took me into a stall and jerked me off and fuck, made me stand there while he rubbed off on my ass. ”

Grady ran a hand down his face. He could see it. Beautiful little Jesse Cole with his first crush, screwing his courage to take the shot and then that prick comes along and threatens him.

“Anyway.” Cole sniffed. “I thought that’d be the end of it, ya know? Fuckin’ stupid. My daddy already had them loans, fuckin’ idiot. And Tom comes out one day and fuckin’ Jack, the fuckin’ moron, he goes on and tells him all about my ridin’ and my horse and—”

Cole broke off and choked on a sob. He breathed through it and rallied. “He told my daddy he had some work for me. Told him to drop me at that there motel just outside town near the warehouses.”

Grady knew the one. Cole’s panic made a whole lot more sense.

“Did your daddy know?”

“How could he not?” Cole looked at Grady now, furious. “What kinda work a banker got with a fourteen-year-old, for years, at some sleazy fuckin’ motel? And why the extensions on them loans?”

“Jesus,” Grady spat.

Cole nodded. “Yeah. He fuckin’ knew. Anyway, I didn’t wanna do it.

I even said so. But my daddy and Chris and Jack were like, it’s a good opportunity, doin’ some work with a banker, gettin’ some city experience.

But they fuckin’ knew. They goddamn well fuckin’ knew.

And Mama just looked the other way, just checked out. ”

Cole breathed deep and looked away again. Grady just sat and let him pull it together.

Cole cleared his throat a few times before he went on.

“And that become the normal, you know? For about a year. He always touchin’ me first…

” Cole did cry then, and Grady wanted to touch him, but he held back; Cole looked like he could break, like he needed to hold his pieces together on his own to get this out.

“I done liked it, he ain’t lying. I done liked it,” he choked out through sobs.

“Well, yeah, Cole,” Grady sighed. “It’s sex, someone touchin’ your dick’s gonna feel good. Don’t mean you done anything wrong.”

Cole shook his head and focused on his lap. “And then... Then he brought others, and I said no fuckin’ way, and he said if I didn’t do what he said, then, then”—Cole looked up at Grady, crying freely now— “he said he’d have my daddy sell my horse.”

And Jesus fucking Christ. Grady wished Tom would come right on back so he could shoot him for real.

“The worst part?” Cole said.

Grady nodded for him to go on.

“They did it in the end. The last time, God. He brought a few men and I said, no, no fuckin’ way. And he said, we’ll sell your horse if you don’t, and then I did it and when I got home she was gone. She was fuckin’ gone.”

Cole broke down into heaving sobs. Grady scooted over, hefted him into his side so Cole could wrap his arms around his middle and cry into his chest. He cried for a long time and Grady just sat there, rubbing his back as Cole let it all out.

“Sorry,” Cole said when he pulled back.

“No,” Grady said and grabbed his chin. “You ain’t got nothin’ to be sorry for, you hear?”

Cole gave a weak nod and slumped back into Grady. He went on with his head down. “Anyway, that’s why I can’t leave.”

Grady squeezed him hard.

“I feel like I let her down. I feel like,” Cole cut off to gasp before he punched the words out, “I feel like I left her.”

“I reckon she knows it ain’t your fault.”

Cole shook his head and cried.

He cried until it seemed he couldn’t be crying anymore.

“And I can’t leave, you see?” he sniffed and blinked up at Grady. “’Cause I think... I think if I stay around here, then I haven’t really left her.”

Grady kissed the top of his head. “I take your meaning, Cole. I take it.”

Cole nodded, and they sat that way until the sun was fully up, bathing the day in clear light from its midpoint in the pale blue sky. Cole eventually pushed himself up, scooted away and pulled himself together before glancing at Grady.

“You know I’m queer then,” Cole said.

Grady nodded. “I reckon I know that.”

Cole gave him a look and then looked away. He seemed scared. “And, and I ain’t just helpin’ out.”

“Yeah, I reckon I know that too.”

Cole blew out a breath. “So, I understand if you want me to go then.”

It was Grady’s turn to blow out a breath. He looked out at his land, at the morning sun and the birds flying in on the waves of heat and searching for a cool reprieve to land for the day.

“I ain’t queer,” he finally said.

“I know it,” Cole said quietly.

“But I reckon I might be, a little bit. For you.”

Grady turned so he was facing Cole. Cole was already looking back, and Grady reckoned he couldn’t have shocked him more; he would’ve laughed if he didn’t feel his heart galloping in his chest at what he needed to say.

“And I know I ain’t—” He stopped. Breathed deep. “I know you can probably get better from some clever city boy. But if you want me? Well, I reckon I’d like that, with you.”

“You wanna be with me?”

“Yeah,” Grady said. “I reckon I’d like that. I reckon I’d like that a whole lot.”

“Are you, I mean, are you sure?”

“I ain’t ever been surer about anything in my life. You ain’t my hand, Cole. You ain’t been my hand for a long time. You’re my partner. If you … If you want that.”

Grady watched and waited as Cole went from shocked to unsure to the slowest smile breaking out on his face. Grady finally exhaled.

“I had a crush on you since I knew what my dick is for, Amos Grady,” Cole said.

Grady huffed a laugh. “Well, I reckon that’s a good start.”

Cole shook his head. “Yeah, but, now I know you, too. And well, I don’t reckon I could love anyone more.”

Grady smiled, nodded, and on the inside he knew he’d never felt like this. Like it was the best damn feeling in the world. “Good.”

Cole laughed. “Good.”

Grady brought his arm up around Cole’s shoulders.

Cole looked up at him, and Grady kissed him.

Yeah, best goddamn feeling in the world, Grady thought as Cole broke away and smiled at him, and Grady had to wonder, as he looked into Cole’s deep black eyes, the crinkles in the corners and the vulnerability in the depths Cole hid from everyone else, who’d have thought this was here, in the world.