Page 9

MANON

The sound of metal clinking against each other and feet shuffling against my hardwood floors makes my body toss and turn. The cold flooring had the tiniest bit of cushion from the fuzzy rug underneath me, but it still wasn’t enough back support to stop my spine from cracking.

It was comical, the way it sounded like a box of uncooked pasta being crushed. It was the inevitable sign that let me know I was getting older.

But none of that mattered, because for the first time, in all the years that I had lived here, I was waking up to the smell of food being cooked.

I couldn’t tell exactly what was being prepared, but I could hear hot butter sizzling in a cast iron pan. It was unforgettable. I used to wake up to that sound every morning growing up, but now I was hearing it come from my own kitchen.

My hands flew to my eyes to rub the night’s sleep away. I didn’t know what time it was, but I knew it was well past the time I usually got up when I noticed the bright orange light shining in from all the glass windows.

My eyes squinted. Well, this was a new one.

I’d always gotten up at five in the morning to get ahead of the day, so I’ve only ever experienced seeing the dark midnight blue skies and veils of clouds floating around. Not the bright colorful beams of light that filled the space.

The fact that everything about this morning was different than my norm and it wasn't throwing me for a loop—was weird. Maybe it was because I was still stuck on the fact that I had slept through the night. I hadn’t woken up at any small noise, I didn't pace around before counting the stars to try and force myself asleep.

I had slept like a solid rock, so hard that I could feel the indents of lines on the sides of my face, informing me that I had never even moved. This was weird. My head flew around as I took in the surroundings of my empty living room. It’s never looked like this before. Blankets spread out; half empty wine glasses set on the coffee table that we pulled to the side. Even the pillows were laid out like we had a pillow fight, it looked like college kids having a sleepover.

I didn’t even notice I was smiling at the thought until now. I was just now realizing that I never once experienced this feeling when I was younger. The euphoric feeling of spending the night with someone that couldn’t stop making you laugh.

Shit, is this what I had missed out on all these years?

As many times as my body twitched with delight, nothing about last night felt sexual. Besides our unbreakable gaze, it was as if two friends were having a sleepover. It was a comforting new feeling.

To laugh and talk about things that had no serious meaning behind them, it was rejuvenating. I guess that may have been the appeal. I had always thought they were just co-dependent to a fault. But everyone else was living and enjoying life while I was just bulldozing through.

Growing up, I denied every invite I got to any birthday parties or sleepovers, until eventually everyone stopped sending them. It was obvious I had no intention on growing closer to the kids around me. I used to think, what was the point?

If we were all just going to grow up and fade out of each other’s lives, why try at something that was doomed to fall apart? But it wasn’t until this moment that I realized that I might’ve isolated myself from others as an attempt to not hurt my own feelings.

Did I have abandonment issues?

My head shook. I couldn’t get into this right now. The sounds of pots and pans clinking around were getting louder and suddenly my fear of Cassie hurting herself flooded in.

I shot up to my feet, letting the comforter fall from my lap. Damn, I fell asleep in slacks and my black tee from last night. But it didn't feel much different from my pajamas so that was extremely telling.

My feet scurried as I ran around the back of my couch, not expecting to see Leo laid out with his front arms stretched across my floor. He looked like he owned the damn place, his body flipped when he saw me walking towards him. Showing me his stretched-out belly. I wonder if he couldn’t do this before. Cassie had mentioned that her place was no bigger than a hotel room. So, I couldn’t imagine how Leo felt being in this amount of space.

I liked it though; I had never experienced having a pet in my apartment and if Neil knew what was happening, he would scream. He’s been trying to get me to get a pet for years, saying that it would help me because of how lonely I was.

In the past, I always just took offense to it, like most things he said. But I was starting to understand why people had them—they seemed sweet. When Leo flopped onto my lap last night, I might’ve been terrified at first, but he made me feel safe. After hours of petting and cuddling, I realized just how comforting he could be.

It was hard for me to believe that other people got to experience the same amount of love that he was giving to me. I reached down to give his belly a good scratch before heading into the kitchen.

Low rhythmic tones of jazz music filled my ears as I rounded the corner. Cassie must have found my vinyl collection. When I rounded the corner, I froze in place when I saw blurry flashes of Cassie spinning around.

She was dancing. Her body moved gracefully as she spun on the tips of her toes with her arms spread out like a bird, she looked like a ballerina. It was impressive. She was spinning fast, probably due to the socks she was wearing but still, it was better than just a silly dance.

I wasn’t a dancer myself, so I couldn’t judge or critique it like others, but she was damn-near perfect. Her body looked as delicate as a feather, yet she turned with such poise, and strength. Flowing like water—fluid and weightless. I didn't want to move an inch and disturb something I’d probably only get this one chance at seeing. So I lounged against the open style door frame, and stared in silence.

Besides the way she moved, the shape of her was… sculpture-worthy. Up until now, I really had only seen Cassie with that obnoxiously long leopard print coat on. She was wearing the same oversized tee she was wearing yesterday, this time with no pants.

My eyes lingered on her bare long legs, and the way the hem of her shirt would just barely raise when the tiny gust of air from spinning lifted it. Revealing no more than another inch of her soft ivory skin, it still had the power to make my eyes narrow and lips twitch.

I let her spin with her eyes closed one last time before I had to speak up, it was for my own sake at this point.

“You didn't tell me you were a dancer.” I used my shoulder to push from the door frame and finally enter the room.

It wasn’t my original plan to scare her, but seeing Cassie drop from her toes to the balls of her feet was a satisfying plus.

Her eyes flew open, instantly becoming wide awake. “Oh my god!” she exclaimed.

Her arms swung around trying to regain her balance, much like the other night when she was fighting the wind. This must be her go-to reaction. My mind made a mental note to remind myself that we’d have to work on that for safety reasons.

My hands raised, “Sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to scare you.” I stood across from her on the other side of the island, still staring.

Her face twists as she crosses her arms, creating a suction against her chest, I tried to raise my eyes before they loitered.

“The smile on your face says otherwise.”

My lips pinch close as I try to suffocate my laugh, I hadn't even noticed I was smiling. Not just a small smirk but a full-on grin stretched across my face.

Cassie’s eyes squinted as she gave me her best glare, “You're so lucky you spoiled my son this morning.”

It was at that moment that I finally noticed the spatula she was holding in her right hand. I forgot she was even cooking; I was so focused on her watching her dance, my senses blocked out the smell of cinnamon, and brown sugar melting together in a pan.

“Oh yeah? Is that why you're making me something?” My stomach grumbled just as the words left my mouth.

I placed the palms of my hands on the island so I could lean closer and get a better look at what she was cooking. Even though I didn't use it often enough, the stove being on the center island was one of my favorite perks. It felt like you were watching a cooking show.

“Yeah, well don’t get too excited. Your pancakes are probably fucked. I tried to follow a recipe online, but no one knows how to leave measurements anymore. Every recipe I click on uses scales, I mean who the hell just has a sca—”

I didn’t even wait until she finished speaking to round the counter and open a cabinet, before pulling out my glass baking scale.

“You mean this?” I questioned. I never used it before, but it was one of my many housewarming gifts from my neighbors.

Her eyes widened as she jumped to snatch it from my hands. “Yes, exactly that!” A giggle escaped her lips, and I could tell she was getting excited.

Cassie’s eyes gleamed with delight as she folded over completely, resting her elbows on the counter, before picking up her phone to read the recipe on her screen. She didn't have a clue about the view she was creating for me.

I rushed back around the green island and flopped down into one of the stools seated directly in front of her.

I cleared my throat. “Do you mind if I watch?”

Her dark eyes raised from her screen to meet mine right before her cheeks began turning the shade of freshly picked roses. I could get used to seeing her like this.

She seemed hesitant, not in a rude way but more nervous than anything else.

The smile never left her face though. “Yeah, I mean I don't know what I’m even doing here, but I’m sure that could only be more entertaining.”

Our laugh harmonized like birds chirping in the sky, and my body settled down into my practically brand-new barstools. I’d say almost every piece of furniture could be fresh out of the package and they’re nearly 2 years old now. But with me never having anyone to invite over, or more accurately, never really wanting anyone to come over. There was not a single dip in the cushions or a scratch in the wooden legs.

And as much as I loved everything staying in pristine condition, I couldn’t hide or ignore the fact that I enjoyed seeing this. I loved watching Cassie make a ridiculously large mess for just two stacks of cinnamon roll pancakes.

I didn’t care that flour covered almost every inch of my counters and recently waxed floors. Or the fact that after I initially scared her, the sticky cinnamon syrup she made, had burned. Causing her to toss multiple dishes covered in hardened sugar straight into the sink before finding more to start it all over again.

Any other instance that would all make me lose my mind. I’d be doing cartwheels on Neil’s grave if he did that to me. But with Cassie, I couldn’t be mad even if I tried. Instead, I washed the dishes and cleaned up the mess while she finished her recipe in peace. Which seemed far too romantic for my liking—the both of us moving around in the kitchen like a married couple. One that had been together years, and knew every move the other person was going to make.

Cassie and I talked about her past with dance as she poured her second batch of perfectly round pancakes, seeming content with her progress. While I struggled to stay focused on cleaning, she was too mesmerizing to not watch, so I forced myself to rush.

Water splashed everywhere as I did the quickest rinse on each dish before shoving it in the dishwasher. I knew a couple of them needed more time scrubbing, but I didn’t have the patience. I threw them into the empty slots before slamming it shut. When I turned around, she was flipping her last pancake.

The golden-brown fluffy stacks of sugar looked just like the image on her phone.

“These look amazing, Cass.” As the words left my mouth, my eyes instantly sprinted to meet hers, but she beat me to it.

“Sorry, I don't know where I even got that nickname from...” I said, as I watched her eyes go wide. Shit, I guess I let that one slip out. I was fighting between clenching my eyes shut and cringing, or staying still and watching how every inch of her face changed. I chose the latter and sat there like steel iron and watched how her face held a small smile while her eyes flickered with a faint pain.

“O-oh no it’s fine, I liked it.” Her voice was low like she was still questioning it herself. Like what I said meant something more than just a little nickname.

I mean, it meant something more to me and I was the one who said it. Just a few days ago I couldn't have ever pictured that this is where we would be. Me buying food for her cat, like he’s mine, her cooking breakfast, and now… nicknames?

How far was this going to go?

Or really, how far was I going to go. Often, it was me starting to push the boundaries of our… friendship? Partnership?

I couldn't even tell you at this point, and that was going to be a problem. Secretly taking her on as a client was one thing but inviting her to stay with me was beyond messy. The lines were blurring, and I could feel myself starting to fall into it like a trap. I was feeling things about someone that I haven’t felt in years, maybe ever in my life.

The tingles, the butterflies, this is what they talked about when we were just kids in school. I used to think that everyone was so delusional talking about the “foot pop” when you kissed, or feeling like the “world spun” when you touched them.

But was I the wrong one? Could I have just been not emotionally willing to experience it myself, so I erased the idea of it altogether?

The idea was otherworldly. No, these feelings seemed too childish to be anything more.

But maybe that’s what it just was, a middle school crush. Maybe, because I haven't been with someone in years that I was just having a surge of emotions over the first person who provoked them out of me.

Yes, that had to be it.

I needed to talk to Neil about it as soon as I could, because maybe he would be able to give me some advice. He had to have some type of information on these sorts of things.

The short bit of silence passed as I watched Cassie dowse my pancakes in syrup. My mouth parted agape as I watched in awe.

She didn't even fix her own plate before sliding mine over to me with a fork in hand, and when I grabbed it, she dropped her weight back down onto her elbows.

She was watching me, and for a moment I couldn’t do anything but stare right back,

“Well, come on! I’m waiting for you to taste it!” She exclaimed, her hands pointed right at my plate.

Her brows were raised, waiting for me to make the first move. But her face told me she was getting impatient. I quickly grabbed the fork before using the side of it the cut out the perfectly sized triangle for the first bite.

At first the sweet scent of nutmeg, cinnamon, and maple overtook my senses. Forcing me to close my eyes and relish in the feeling of the golden fluffy pieces of cloud melting the second it hit my tongue. It was like magic, the way the cake disappeared within seconds.

My eyes shot open in disbelief, but I didn’t look at Cassie to give her an answer. I let my actions do the talking for me. My fork couldn’t move any faster as I began shoveling the stacks of pure gold down my throat.

I hadn’t had anything like it. Maybe because I wasn’t the biggest fan of sweets, but this was heaven. It reminded me of something I’d get maybe once a year because of how special it was. I was about to be halfway through when I heard her clear her throat, my eyes traveled upward.

Cassie was still waiting, her brows still perfectly arched and high while her chest was down low, almost touching my counter. From this angle she looked unbelievable, I thought the view I had from before was crazy. But looking down into her almost emerald, green colored eyes as she stared back up into mine with this sense of eagerness, felt like some type of sin.

I almost choked on the last bite I took, “Sorry, it's uh, really good.”

I finally spoke up, but she seemed distracted, the curious look in her eyes faded into something darker. I scanned her critically, eyes squinting as I watched her mouth twitch. Cassie’s gaze was bold, her eyes flooding with desire.

I wasn’t dumb… I knew that look.

I might’ve been doubting her reactions and questioning if my feelings were being reciprocated the night before. But now, I knew.

Her flushed skin, dilated eyes, even her lips were a darker shade of pink. She was looking up at me lazily through half closed lids, as if she was just lost in a daze. While I was studying her face unhurriedly, feature by feature.

But I couldn’t do this. No, actually, I refused to do this.

I let the fork fall against my half empty plate with a loud clink, hopefully drawing her out of her own head. Her lids blinking rapidly as she began to sit up straight, was a sign it worked.

As I avoided her questioning gaze, I cleared my throat.

“Uhh yeah, so, I was just thinking about heading into the office, it’s Monday, and tomorrow is officially one week until your pre-trial. So, I really need to knuckle down...”

My eyes glanced up as I let the words drag on, and I watched as the hopeful glint washed away as eyes turned clear, just observing my every move.

“Which means I’ll probably be leaving early and getting home late, most days this week. I just wanted you to know so you don’t wait up for me.”

My voice was hoarse with apprehension, and when I finished, I noticed her eyes narrow. She didn't look upset; she was reading me.

I was telling the truth. Her pre-trial was almost a week away, and I did need to focus on the main thing here. She didn’t know it was because I could already feel myself drifting off into fantasyland every second I was around her. Or the fact that it was becoming painfully hard to separate my work life from my home life and I had never had that problem before. There was a long laundry list of reasons why I needed to regain focus, but she didn’t need to know a single one of them.

Maybe cutting this off cold turkey isn’t the best move but seeing as I have no idea what is even going on here; implementing space and time seems like the right thing to do. I could already hear Neil now, telling me this had something to do with my abandonment issues. He always said I tended to cut things off before they could even grow. Maybe he was right.

But this situation was different, there was more on the line at this moment that needed my full undivided attention.

“Are you sure there isn't anything I can help with?” Cassie asked, giving me one last chance to change my mind.

There was not an ounce of pressure in her voice, she was leaving this up to me.

For a moment, I acted like I was thinking. “Nope, it’s mainly going to be just more of the paperwork from here on.” My head nodded as I finished speaking.

Now that part was a blatant lie, I needed all the help I could receive, but I needed space from Cassie. I needed more than just a couple of feet of space between us to breathe clear air. Even if I finally broke down to Neil what I was going through, to get his help, I would do it. Because everything about this was wrong.

The one thing Cassie deserved was an attorney who focused on their job and was able to show up for her through their work. Maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh, but it was for both of our sakes. I needed to tap in.

This was when it really counted. After hearing just a few of her childhood stories, I knew that even if I couldn’t have anything more, I wanted to be the one who showed up for her when there was nobody else she could count on.