Page 24

24

XAREX

I don’t deserve her—not after what I did.

Xarex cut his eyes to the right, looking to see what Nora was doing. She had gone to the back of the long-range shuttle to clean up as soon as they got inside but it hadn’t taken her long. She’d taken a quick shower and now she was sitting in the passenger seat beside him.

Since their clothes had been left behind, back on Primus Nine , she was wearing one of his spare uniform shirts. The shirt fit her like a dress, falling to her mid thighs and she had rolled up the sleeves many times but she still looked utterly lovely to him with her long, damp hair curling over her shoulders and her eyes fixed on the huge glowing flower she held carefully in both hands.

Xarex was tempted to take down the mental barrier he had put up between them…but he was afraid of what he might hear from her. He was surprised she hadn’t berated him yet—which was exactly what he deserved. He had been berating himself silently ever since coming out of the lust-trance he’d fallen into. But so far, Nora hadn’t spoken a word about the way he had treated her.

Her silence made his guilt—he was sure that was the emotion he was feeling—even worse. Xarex wished she would get angry with him—wished she would shout and him or tell him how badly he had treated her. Instead she had a happy, hopeful look on her face—an eagerness to get home and use the Flower of Healing which she held so carefully.

Well, if Nora wasn’t going to talk about what he had done, then he would have to, Xarex decided.

“Nora, I am…deeply ashamed of what I did to you,” he said at last, not looking at her as he maneuvered the long-range shuttle up into space.

“Huh?” She actually sounded uncertain about what he meant.

“The way I took you so roughly—the way I wouldn’t stop even when you begged me to.” The words seemed to stick in his throat but he had to get them out. “ I let my W’rx half get the better of me. I never should have done such a thing.”

“Oh, well…” She shifted in her seat and winced. “ Yeah , I’m going to be a little sore for a while. And we’re really lucky you didn’t, you know, get me pregnant.” Her cheeks went pink as she spoke and she gave him a sidelong glance, as though she was still shy or uncertain of him, even after all they had done together.

You mean what you did to her. Is it any wonder she’s uncertain of you now? the voice in his head demanded.

“What I did was unforgivable,” he said in a low voice. “ I refused to stop, even when you told me to. I filled you with my knot and my seed though you begged me not to.”

Nora’s cheeks got even pinker.

“Look, can we not talk about it now? Right this minute I’m just really focused on getting back to Anna ,” she told him. “ I promise we’ll talk it all out later, but right now I just need to get back to my little girl.”

“Of course.” Xarex nodded. Clearly what had happened between them was too painful for her to contemplate. No wonder she didn’t want to talk about it and preferred to occupy her mind with other things.

But inside he was still filled with shame and self-loathing. He had let the W’rx part of him win and had become what the Kindred hated more than anything else—a Broken One .

I should get my emotion damper fixed as soon as we get back to the Mother Ship , he thought. I’m clearly too dangerous without it. I don’t deserve the luxury of emotions.

But maybe he was just trying to get away from the feelings of shame and self-hatred—did he deserve to not feel the consequences of his actions? That didn’t seem right to Xarex .

Maybe he should just inform Nora that their time together was over and leave her and her daughter in peace. After all, their contract had specified that once a cure was found for Anna , he and Nora would go their separate ways. And as long as he put sufficient distance between them, he couldn’t be a danger to her.

That was probably the best thing to do, he decided. He would continue to bear the negative emotions he himself had caused and, once it was certain that Anna was healing, he would exit Nora’s life completely.

Though the thought of losing her made him feel like a rough fist was squeezing his heart, he knew it was the best thing for both of them. Clearly , he couldn’t be trusted with a bride like other Kindred could. And besides, Nora already had a complete family with her daughter and her mother. She didn’t really need him.

Not the way I need her, he thought and felt the fist around his heart squeeze even harder.

He thought of telling her his plans…but then decided not to. He didn’t want to spoil the happy, hopeful look on her face. Clearly she was thinking of her daughter and anticipating getting back to her with the Bloom , which was still shining brightly.

I’ll wait until after Anna gets a favorable diagnosis, he thought.

For now, he would keep his dark thoughts and his plan for the end of their time together to himself and only he would bear the pain.

It was the only thing he could decently do.