Page 48 of Of Stars and Lightning (Sun and Shadows #1)
Thirty Seven
THE XANTHOS SENTENCE
TWO-HUNDRED-FIFTY stains.
That’s how many Sol was able to find all over her walls and ceiling, but she was sure there were more behind the small chandelier. So, on the second day of doing nothing but laying in her bed, she removed it.
There were, in fact, two more splotches behind it.
The imminent promise of the next trial loomed, but Sol didn’t care. She didn’t try to prepare or to worry about it. She just—existed.
Because taking that for granted seemed like a sin.
Zeri’s terrified scream as she fell to her death was the only noise that rang through Sol’s ears. That and the occasional soft clatter of what was likely food trays outside her closed door, but she didn’t have the motivation to inspect it.
Zeri died.
Sol failed her.
She had killed Ezra after saying she would never take another life.
She pulled a pillow over her face and yelled.
The second they had gotten back to the Villa, Sol begged the guard to retrieve Zuri’s body and give her a proper burial. They ignored her. Jeriyah was only to burn it.
She had stomped right up to her room and hadn’t left since.
Resorted to counting stains on her walls and letting the guilt fill her stomach instead of food.
Sol promised herself that joining the trials had been for a reason, one of the main ones being to find a way to save these innocent people.
Granted, now she realized they weren’t all inherently innocent—but still deserved to have a choice over who to be with.
Who to die with.
Who to die for.
At least, that’s what she would continue to say to keep from throwing herself off the spiral staircase.
“Everyone deserves mercy.”
“No, Princess. Not everyone does.”
A knock at her door had her sliding her gaze toward it.
She remained silent.
The room was dark thanks to her disemboweling the flame-lit chandelier. Maybe they would think she was sleeping and leave her be.
The knock came again, louder this time.
Sol groaned and turned to face the wall, covering herself with her quilt.
“Sol? If you don’t open the door, I will.”
Sol peered at the door once more, bracing herself on her elbow.
“I’m fine, Cas. You can leave.”
“You haven’t eaten.” His voice was gentle, foreign enough to make Sol feel a little guilty for not wanting to see him.
After Winderlyn’s trial, she didn’t want to see anyone. She wanted to rot in bed until it was time for the next thing, then the next, then hopefully the end.
She fell back into bed.
Unless he tore the door down, he would eventually leave. Sol had bolted both locks, mostly for the false sense of security. Cattya could easily incinerate her way in if she felt like it.
The mere thought of the woman made Sol bite down on her jaw to keep from screaming.
“Unlock the door, Princess.”
“Leave, Cas.”
For a moment, the room was silent. Sol let her eyelids flutter closed for a second, thanking the gods he decided to listen for once. But then the lock mechanism clicked.
Sol bolted up.
Cas's Shadows still hovered over the locks, slowly dispersing into the room as the door creaked open.
He leaned on the door frame. “Sorry to defy your wishes, Princess.”
“Neat trick,” Sol sighed. “Or should I say scary?”
Cas shrugged. “You didn’t leave me much of a choice.”
He walked into the room slowly, surely surveying the unkept mess, herself included. He wore his usual black tactical suit, his black curls slicked into a loose updo that made Sol look away. From the corner of her eyes, she watched him set a cup down on her table. “The Ketar brothers sent you this.”
Sol eyed the cup, exhaustion pulling at her eyelids. “What is it?”
“Vegetable stew.” He sat in a chair, positioned to look straight at her. “They tried finding some sort of seafood for you but settled on vegetable since that is Jonah’s specialty.”
Despite the gloom that pooled inside her, Sol let a small smile pull at her lips. “That’s sweet of them.”
“Come eat.” Cas tapped the table. “You need to be well for the trial.”
She shook her head, the motion sending spears through it. “I’m not hungry.”
He frowned, his silver eyes flickering as he grabbed the mug and walked toward her. The room was still dim, even darker as his
Shadows trailed him to the foot of her bed. “Can I sit with you?”
She looked up at him. “If I say no, will you defy my wishes?”
Holding out the mug to her, he smiled, “I do the opposite in a woman’s bed.”
A laugh tore from her, true and utterly unprompted. It instantly lightened the weight that pressed against her temples, and for a second, made her feel something other than dread. Which had obviously been Cas's intention, as he too laughed along with her.
Sol patted the spot beside her. “So many women’s beds you’ve been in to have that line saved, huh?”
“None have ever openly laughed like that, though.”
Sol took the mug of stew, and her mouth instantly watered.
It could’ve been made by Lora’s own hand, with the way the herbs all blended in familiarity, making her feel slightly nostalgic as she took a sip of it.
It was warm and fragrant and exactly what she needed.
The steam and heat caressed her, wrapping her in a much-welcomed hug.
She took small sips in silence, Cas only a comforting presence beside her.
Slowly, with each mouthful of roasted carrots and broth, the darkness in her mind gently cleared. Even the room seemed to lighten slightly, as if the rays of sunlight were no longer afraid to graze it. Cas's Shadows remained out but were thin and lazy across their feet.
After a while, Sol set the cup on her nightstand. “I failed her.”
The words were almost jarring in the silence, but she kept her composure, biting her cheeks to keep from crying. Cas glanced sidelong at her. “You did not kill her. Ezra did.”
“I’ve done nothing to help these people, when that’s what I swore I would do.”
Cas sighed, bracing his hands behind him, but saying nothing.
Sol let herself fall back on the bed, her legs dangling over the edge.
She inhaled slowly. “Ezra isn’t the first person I’ve killed.
” She didn’t let him answer or let herself take the words back.
Instead, she let them all spill out. “When I was fifteen, my friend Leo and I snuck out after hours to a local tavern. We didn’t drink or anything like that, we mostly went to dance and meet the students from his school.
” She closed her eyes. “That night, I decided to leave early, right before sundown. Leo told me to wait for him, but I didn’t.
“By the time I got into the town square, it was dark. I don’t really remember what the man looked like anymore—only how much everything hurt after it happened.
” Sol paused for a moment, shaking away the haze of the memory.
“I only told my mom what happened. She begged me to report it, but the man let me go, and I never wanted to see him again, so I refused. Five years later, that same man came into the Hound with some other sailors.”
She dared a side glance at Cas. He watched her silently, jaw set and eyes hard as steel. His hands gripped the quilt beneath them in fists.
Sol looked back up to the ceiling. “He didn’t remember me. So I made sure to make him cozy and left the inn with him. I told him my cottage was closer. Took him down the same alley he took me, and I killed him.”
Cas was silent for a long while, so long Sol had to look over to see if he was still there. Wards crackled around his shoulders.
“Good.”
“Not good, Cas. He had a family, I later found out, and I took a life out of pure vengeance and hoped that it would heal whatever he had broken inside me.” Slowly, she sat up, wiping the sweat from her palms on her knees. “It didn’t. It only made it worse.”
“Not everyone deserves to live, Sol. Especially people like that.”
“Everyone deserves to live.”
“Not anyone that hurts you…” His Ward winked out. “Ever.”
She sighed, wanting to continue explaining how it wasn’t about her. That it was about morals, about how they couldn’t play gods as they had. But she didn’t. She kept his gaze long enough for his expression to soften, despite the rising heat, the intimacy of it brewing in her chest.
Finally, Cas stood. “Let’s take a walk.”
They walked through the Villa silently. Sol was pleasantly distracted by the way it seemed to transform in the nighttime. The moonlight gave the spaces a sort of divine glow that was missed during the day, and she wondered how many beautiful things she had missed by avoiding being out at night.
They went to the kitchens to pick at bowls of fruit left from breakfast and chocolate pastries that had a small card stating they were from the Semmena Court for the remaining prospects. Sol almost didn't eat them out of spite, but chocolate.
They ended up at the library. How Cas knew it was the one place within the Villa that didn’t totally agitate her, she didn’t know. But now as she looked at the couches in its center, all she saw was Zeri’s ghost.
She turned into one of the bookshelves, inhaling and exhaling the soft scent of knowledge.
Cas followed suit. “I’m not a huge fan of libraries, but they always smell… peaceful.”
Sol pulled out a yellow-spined tome. “I used to love spending time in the Archives of—” A pointed look by Cas. “Graniela,” she finished.
“Tell me more about your life there.”
He leaned against the bookshelf to face her. His eyes beamed, the darkness around him curving in to caress him, reminding Sol of stars against a night sky.
She pursed her lips and grabbed another book. “Not much to say. I’d work at the Hound and hang out with Leo and his sister.” She moved to the next shelf. “Definitely not as luxurious as life in Rimemere.”
“Trust me, there is nothing luxurious about it.” Cas followed behind her, also inspecting the shelves.
“What is your favorite thing about it? About Rimemere?” Sol kept her attention on a book titled FAILED PLEASURES. She frowned and looked around. She hadn’t seen these titles the first time around.