Page 5

Parker

I don’t know when Marcus and I got on speaking terms again, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up. He’s probably only trying to be nice since it’s Kendra’s wedding and he doesn’t want things to be awkward with the wedding party. Which I mean, I get, but it still hurts to know we’ll never be more than this. Acquaintances who are only talking because of Kendra.

I truly don’t know what’s harder; this or not having Marcus in my life? Having him so close within reach but not being able to do anything about it. I wait for him to be occupied before I look up and take him in. Fuck, he looks good. My cheeks heat when I remember earlier in the bathroom. I don’t know what game he was playing, but he was teasing the hell out of me. Taking a shower while I was still in the room and walking around naked. All it did was remind me of what I used to have.

“Parker! Get your ass in here!” Marcus yells from the living room.

I’m standing in the bathroom, checking myself out in the mirror. I’m wearing one of my lime-green thongs that hugs my dick nicely and shows off my perky ass. Marcus hasn’t seen me in a thong yet, and I could have worn a more bland one, but go big or go home.

“Parker, what’s taking so long?” His voice gets louder as he walks down the hallway toward the bathroom. “Parker, what—oh, fucking shit, is that a lace thong? Fuck, you wear thongs? That’s so damn sexy.”

“Do you like it?” I ask, turning around in a circle. “I wasn’t sure if it was something you would be into.”

“I’m into anything that has to do with you.” He steps closer to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. My body trembles as his hands caress my ass cheeks, pulling at the strip of lace. “But this doesn’t get you out of playing. Let’s go.” He lightly taps my ass, then disappears down the hallway.

I chase after him, pouting the entire way to the living room. “This is your first time seeing me in a thong and you walk away?”

“Because I know what you’re trying to do,” he retorts, falling down onto the couch cushion, raising an eyebrow at me.

“And what’s that?” I ask, cocking my hip and crossing my hands over my chest.

“You’re trying to distract me. I’m kicking your ass in Scrabble, and you were hoping if you distracted me enough, you could actually win.”

“Am not.” I pout, knowing without a doubt he’s right. He’s like a word wizard or something, and there’s no chance I’m going to win, so I wanted to play dirty.

Marcus tosses his head back, laughing loudly. “Okay then, let’s play.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to touch me?” I drag my finger down my chest, stopping when I reach the waistband of my panties. “I know how badly you want me.”

“Oh, I do. But after our game.” He shakes up the squares, dumping them out onto the board.

“Fine.”

We spend the next hour playing game after game, Marcus continuing to beat my ass. His eyes are on me the whole time and I can see his hard cock through his gray sweatpants, but he’s not giving in.

He cleans up the game before turning toward me and clapping his hands together. “All right, what game next?”

“Marcus,” I whine.

He laughs, patting his thigh, and I take the hint, finding my spot on his lap. “You’re so fun to rile up,” he tells me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. “Playing these board games with you is always the highlight of my week.”

“What a way to make me feel bad.”

“Is it working?” he inquires, placing a soft kiss on my neck, causing my whole body to shiver.

“Fine,” I relent, giving him a big sigh. “We can play another game.”

“Yes!” He whoops, tossing a beaming smile my way. “I promise I’ll fuck you so good after I win this next game.”

We finish eating and head down the walkway, back toward the shore. I know exactly where the rock wall harbor is, so as soon as we reach the warm sand, I pivot and head in that direction.

“So, how have you been?” Marcus asks as he sidles up next to me.

Tilting my head up to look at him, I shrug. “Okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah, Marcus. Just okay. What about you? How have you been?”

“Just okay,” he repeats the same words back to me and I shake my head.

“How is it at Mayfield and Sons? Do you still hate wearing your suits every day?”

“Of course I do.” He laughs, his arms bumping into mine. Shivers race down my spine at the contact, and I tremble, wanting him to bump into me again. “How is the realty business going?”

“I mean, being a realtor is always hit or miss sometimes. The market is okay right now, though. Pretty steady.”

We’re making the most awkward small talk and I fucking hate it. Talking to Marcus used to be so damn easy. Until it got to be too much and too hard on me and I freaked out, not knowing what was going on. Out of the corner of my eye, I glance at Marcus again.

“Do you remember when I called you a few months ago?” I ask, bringing up the time I grew the courage to call him, but he never called me back.

“Uh, yeah.” He rubs the nape of his neck, looking away from me. “Sorry, I never called you back.”

“No, it’s okay. I probably would have done the same if the shoe was on the other foot. But I called for a reason. Something I wanted to talk to you about. I would really like to talk to you about it now if that’s okay?” I cross my fingers behind my back, hoping he’ll let me talk to him this time.

“Do we have to do this now, Parker?”

“Please,” I beg, not knowing when I’ll have the courage to do it again.

“Fine, but let’s go sit down over here.”

He walks over to the edge of the rock wall and sits down, and I follow behind, gingerly sitting down next to him. Our feet are hanging off the edge, the water splashing against the rocks below us. I close my eyes, placing my hands in my lap. Turning my head, I look at Marcus, but he’s not looking at me. He’s looking out toward the water, a serious expression on his face. I’m about to say something when his head turns and he pins me with a sad look.

“When you left me, you broke my heart. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t understand what I did wrong or why you left. And to be completely honest, I still don’t understand why you did. When you called me, I wasn’t in the right place to listen to you.”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Marcus. I know I can never say it enough. It took me a long time to come to terms with things, which was around the time I called you. But I would really like the chance to explain everything if you’ll let me. You don’t have to, but I’ve needed to say this for a while.”

“Okay, Parker, I’m listening,” he says, turning his face back toward the ocean.

“Okay, uh, so,” I stammer out. This is probably one of the most important conversations we’ve had, and I can only hope he lets me get through all of it. “Please let me say everything or else I might not get it out at all.”

Marcus turns toward me and grabs my hand, enclosing it within his larger ones. “This sounds serious. Please tell me, Parker.”

“Okay.” I take a deep breath and release it slowly. “So, for my entire life, I’ve always felt like things have been harder for me. Or, not harder, but I make things harder. Always having to research unknown places before I go there, seeing everything as a glass half empty type thing. How every decision I make I have to have a pros and cons list and talk through every possible thing that could go right or wrong.” I trail off, hating how hard this is to admit. “A month or so before I left, I started to doubt everything. It wasn’t even anything you did, but you would say something and I would analyze everything. From the pitch of the way you said it to the words you used. I would worry there was a hidden meaning in everything you said. But then it started turning into analyzing your body language. If you turned away from me too quickly, I started thinking it was because you didn’t love me anymore. Or if you fell asleep and there was too much of a gap between us, I worried it was your way of needing space from me. It got so bad, it was all I thought about. You leaving me alone. You telling me you didn’t love me anymore. I started to not feel worthy. And so I left. I left you before you could leave me.”

“I wasn’t feeling that way at all,” Marcus tries to cut in.

“I know that now. But the negative thoughts got to be so much. And instead of talking to you, I panicked, and I left. Ran away. I truly thought if I left you before you left me, that it would all be okay. But it wasn’t. Even after I left, the thoughts just got worse. I started panicking over every little thing. The thoughts of you wouldn’t go away. There would be moments when my heart would race and my body would shake as the thoughts got worse. It reached its peak one night when what I’d lost fully hit me. You . It felt like my chest was caving in. I couldn’t breathe and my body was trembling uncontrollably. It felt like my body was frozen, but my mind was spinning. I didn’t know up from down and I thought I was having a heart attack.”

“Parker,” his voice chokes out. I look up at Marcus to see tears in his eyes and I move my hand out from under his to hold on to him.

“I wasn’t having a heart attack. Turns out I was having a panic attack.” I shrug. “I got diagnosed with anxiety, which makes a ton of sense once I could learn more about it. My mind works differently, and it took me having an anxiety attack to figure out what it was. But the doctor gave me some medicine and I’ve learned how to recognize the signs of when an attack is going to happen.”

“What about the thoughts?”

“The thoughts are still there sometimes. But I’m learning how to live with them. And I’m learning that not everything has a second meaning behind it. Sometimes someone looking away quickly is only because they’re looking away. But it was a week or so after being on medication that I called you. I wanted you to know what happened, and I wanted to tell you why I’d left.”

“I am so sorry I never called you back. I should have, and I regret it.” Marcus says, dropping his head to his chest.

“No, I get it. But that was why I called. And it was also why I left you. I never should have left you, but the thoughts… got to be too much.” Tears prick behind my eyelids and I close my eyes, letting them fall. Finding out that I’m my own destruction was hard. Knowing that my mind ruined the best relationship in my life was a hard pill to swallow.

“Is it hard to have anxiety?”

“Now that I know what it is, it’s easier to deal with. Now I realize when my thoughts are running wild. Sometimes I can’t stop them, but it helps to know what it means at least. And I’ve had a few panic attacks since the first one, but I’ve been learning some coping techniques to deal with them. Plus, I have my medication for when I really need it.”

“What are some techniques you use? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Sometimes I’ll stand in the shower under hot water and breathe deeply, counting back from ten until I calm down. I also started listening to acoustic guitar music and sometimes it really helps to calm my racing heart. Not every technique is foolproof, of course, but it’s helping me a lot. Plus, I’m starting to learn that I can’t predict every outcome of what’s happening. Which was really hard to learn.”

“Fuck, Parker. I wish I could have been there for you through all of this.”

“I know. Me too,” I reply softly.

“I’m here now, okay? Parker, I’m so proud of you for telling me all this. I’ve always wondered what went wrong and what I did.”

“You did nothing,” I say, cutting him off.

“I know that now. I didn’t before. And I forgive you. I can’t even imagine what you were going through and how you thought you had to leave. Are you doing okay now?”

“I’m doing alright. The best I can. Sometimes I have to remind myself I always think the worst. It works sometimes, other times I take a while to calm down. But once I could put a name to it, I felt a lot better.”

Marcus scoots closer to me on the ledge and squeezes my hand. “I wish I would have called you back before. But I’m glad you told me now. Thank you.”

“You deserved to know the truth. But I really hope that we can start over. At the very least, be friends.”

“I would like that.”

“Yeah?” I ask excitedly.

“Yeah, Parker. Of course.”