Page 26

CHAPTER 26

Farren

I ’m dead asleep when the blinds in Rafferty’s guest bedroom shoot up with a loud clatter, letting in a flood of blinding sunlight.

“Get up,” Rafferty orders, his voice cutting through the haze of my dreamless sleep like a chainsaw.

A groan escapes me as I bury my head under the pillow. “Go away, Raff,” I mutter, my words muffled by the fabric.

“Not happening,” he retorts with no trace of sympathy. My pillow is yanked away, leaving me exposed to the merciless brightness.

“Leave. Me. Alone,” I yell, swiping at the air where I think he is, but Rafferty’s already out of reach.

“God, you’re a pain in the ass,” he says, sounding suspiciously cheerful. I hear his footsteps recede and pull the covers up and over my head. I’m going to sleep the rest of my life away so I don’t have to deal with the horrible feelings I’ve got going on.

I start to doze off when the covers are yanked off my body. I fling my arm out again, trying to hit my brother, and before I can open my eyes, I’m hit square in the face with a wave of ice-cold water.

“What the fuck?” I shriek, rolling out of the bed and sputtering. I’m soaked from head to toe.

I push my wet hair out of my eyes and see Rafferty standing there with a face full of smug satisfaction and an empty pitcher in his hand.

“I cannot believe you just threw water on me,” I snarl. “What the hell?”

“You’re up,” he says with a firm nod, holding the now-empty pitcher like a trophy. “Mission accomplished.”

“I’m going to kill you,” I threaten as I look around for something to throw at him.

“Yeah, yeah.” He’s unfazed, stepping back with a casual shrug. “But first, get your ass to the kitchen. We’re having a conversation whether you want to or not. Coffee’s ready.”

Going back to bed is out of the question, seeing as how it’s soaked. I quickly pull off all the bedding but the mattress is quite wet. Seething, I stomp into the bathroom, my icy, damp pajamas clinging to me uncomfortably. I strip out of them, dry off, and throw on a hoodie and leggings. My irritation builds with every movement, but I know Raff won’t let this go until I face him .

When I finally shuffle into the kitchen, my pain-in-the-ass brother is at the table, his expression grim. Two mugs of coffee await, steam curling from the rims.

“Sit,” he says, nodding to the chair across from him.

I plop into it with a huff, wrapping my hands around the warm mug. “Did you have to be so dramatic? And why couldn’t you wait until a decent time to get me up?”

“It’s almost fucking noon, Farren,” he says incredulously. “And I don’t have time for you to decide to stop sulking and hiding away from all your problems. I’ve got shit to do and a life to lead, and I can’t do it while you’re hiding in your room like a brat.”

My jaw drops. He’s really pissed and not pulling any punches.

He leans back in his chair, arms crossed, his eyes boring into me. “I want to know what the hell happened last night. Why did you freak out? And why are you so determined to screw things up with North?”

My grip tightens on the mug. “It’s none of your business.”

“The hell it isn’t,” Rafferty shoots back, his voice rising. “You’re my sister. Of course it’s my business. And it’s our parents’ business too. We’ve spent years watching you run away from your problems and never living up to your potential. I’m done tiptoeing around you, Farren. You’re going to tell me what’s going on and why you fail at everything you ever try. ”

I glare at him, hurt and humiliated to have my failures called out so coldly. He’s never done that. My parents either and it’s humbling.

Still, I take the defensive. “You don’t get to lecture me.”

“The hell I don’t.” He says, his voice hard. “You’ve got these walls up so high and so thick, no one can get through. And last night, you lost it over a stupid bet—”

“It wasn’t stupid!” I snap, cutting him off.

“Then explain it to me!” he fires back. “Because from where I’m sitting, you’re throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and for what? Some vague excuse about not wanting to be tied down? That you only do casual? That’s bullshit, Farren. And you know it.”

My jaw clenches as I stare at the dark surface of my coffee. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

“Yes, you do,” Rafferty counters. “I’m your brother. I’ve spent my whole fucking life protecting you, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch you self-destruct without a fight.”

I shake my head, biting back the emotions threatening to spill over. But Rafferty doesn’t let up.

“Who hurt you?” he asks, his voice quieter now, but no less firm. “Because I know someone did. Someone messed you up so bad you can’t trust anyone, and I want to know who it was. What happened? ”

“Stop,” I whisper, my throat tight.

“No,” Rafferty says, shaking his head. “Not until you tell me. Was it an ex? Someone at work? At school?”

The last word makes my chest seize. School . The memory crashes over me like a wave, dragging me under. The laughter, the humiliation, the shame—it all comes rushing back, vivid and raw.

“Farren,” Rafferty says. “Talk to me.”

I slam my mug down on the table, the sound sharp and jarring in the quiet kitchen as coffee sloshes over the edge. “Fine!” I snap, my voice trembling. “You want to know? Someone hurt me. Very badly. In high school. Happy now?”

Rafferty stares at me, his expression a mix of shock and horror. “Were you…?”

Silence between us.

“Raped?” I say, because I can see he can’t bring himself to finish the question. I shake my head. “Not my body, but sometimes it feels like my soul was.”

I can see the fight drain out of him, replaced with a deep well of empathy. A flame of fury on my behalf starts to brew in eyes that look just like mine. “What happened?” he asks quietly, but man… so very deadly. Like he could murder someone right now.

“Doesn’t matter. It’s done.”

“It does matter because it just cost you a guy I’m pretty sure would cherish you the rest of your life,” he says, rubbing a hand over his face in frustration. “Surely you know that, right?”

God, do I know that? In the bright light of day, away from the beers last night and the voices laughing at me, it seems perhaps I overreacted. I know for sure that North isn’t the type who would intentionally hurt me—am I going to throw something away because I got unintentionally hurt?

When I don’t say anything, Rafferty sighs. “Look, North will listen to your fears. If you’re honest with him, he’ll forgive your brattiness.”

“Yeah, I know. Because he’s a good guy. I get it. But it doesn’t take away this…” I tap where my heart sits. “This anxiety that’s deep inside me. Nor the fact that apparently I get triggered.”

“Then again, I am begging you, tell me what happened. Let it out. Release it so it doesn’t eat you alive. Hell, I’ll get you into a therapist this afternoon, but whatever it is, it’s time to address it.”

I stare into my coffee cup, realizing the precipice upon which I stand could change my life.

“It’s time to stop running, Farren,” Rafferty whispers. For some reason, that breaks something loose.

Nodding, I take a breath and lift my head to meet his eyes. “Do you remember when I went to that dance in grade 10?”

“Vaguely,” he says, crossing his arms on the table. “I remember you were excited about it.”

The smile that plays on my lips feels brittle. “That was your first year in the league… with the Grizzlies. I called you about it when I got invited.”

“By an older kid, right?”

I nod. “Liam Mattelle. He was in grade 12.”

“Still can’t believe Dad let you go to that dance with someone that much older,” Rafferty says disapprovingly.

“You were gone, out on your own, and before that, you were in the juniors. You missed me growing up and probably don’t remember, but I wasn’t exactly the belle of the ball.”

Rafferty’s eyebrows draw inward. “I don’t know what that means.”

“It means I had a real ugly-duckling phase in school,” I drawl.

“Like, you mean you were ugly? No, you weren’t.”

“Maybe you don’t think it’s a big deal to suffer acne, braces and no boobs at that age, but guys weren’t knocking down the door for me.”

I can see that Rafferty is having a hard time reconciling this, but he’s only looking at present-day Farren. I grew up in all the right ways and he can’t remember the painfully awkward kid I was. “Plus, I was a big old smart nerd. I wasn’t popular at all,” I add. “So yeah… when Liam showed interest in me, it was a big deal.”

“Why do I get the feeling that when you’re done with this story, I’m going to want to beat the shit out of Liam Mattelle?”

“He’d deserve it,” I murmur, playing with the edge of my cup. I fall back into my memories, trying to set the stage for Rafferty so he understands what’s been driving me for years now. “For almost two weeks, he would walk me to my classes. We held hands. He sat at my lunch table with my nerdy friends. He really listened to me. We’d have long text conversations at night. By the time the dance rolled around, I’d fallen in love with him.”

“That’s usually the way those first young relationships happen,” Rafferty says. “I lost my heart to Sarah Grambling when I was fifteen.”

I can’t help but smile at the image because I’ve never seen Rafferty serious about anyone other than Tempe. “I remember how good it felt to walk into that dance on his arm. Even though I wasn’t, I felt like the prettiest girl in the world.”

“I’m sure you were,” Rafferty says, reaching out and taking my hand for a quick squeeze.

“You’re my brother. You’re supposed to say stuff like that.” I close my eyes, remember that first spin around the dance floor with him, looking around at all the other kids, watching us.

Watching me with him and wondering how I got so lucky.

“I’m dying to kiss you,” Liam said, his lips near my ear. “ I’ve been waiting for two weeks and I don’t want to wait any longer.”

I almost swooned over his proclamation. I felt the same way, and so I tipped my face up to his and parted my lips. I prayed his lips wouldn’t get cut by my braces, but I knew in my heart… when it was done, it would be the best kiss of my life.

He smiled down at me. “Not here. Not in front of everyone for our first.”

“But where?” I asked.

Liam took my hand and led me across the darkened gymnasium. I trotted to keep up with him in my low-slung heels as he led me right underneath the bleachers where we could have some privacy.

Through the slats, we could see out to all the other kids on the dance floor, but no one could see us.

I could hardly believe any of this was happening and it was so magical. My cheeks were flushed from dancing, my heart buoyant in a way it hadn’t ever been. Everything had been the best kind of dream. All that attention he paid to me, flashing that easy, heart-stopping smile every time our eyes met.

And tonight, I was at the dance with the most beautiful, popular guy in the school.

Me. Farren Abrams.

Not one of the cheerleaders or the effortlessly cool girls who seemed to exist in a world far above mine. Me.

And now… he wanted to kiss me .

My first.

The echoes of laughter and music felt distant, muted, as if we were in a world of our own. The air smelled faintly of old wood and gym sweat, and my heart raced as Liam stood inches away, his face illuminated by the faint glow of the gym’s lighting.

“You look amazing tonight,” he said, his voice soft and earnest as his gaze raked over me. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you out there.”

I ducked my head, feeling my cheeks heat. “Thanks.”

He reached out, his fingers brushing a strand of hair from my face. “You’re so different from the other girls, you know that?”

“Different good or different bad?” I asked, my voice trembling but teasing.

“Definitely good,” he said with a grin that made my knees feel weak. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you so bad.”

I was hypnotized, unable to say a word. Liam leaned in, his lips brushing mine in a soft, tentative kiss. The world seemed to tilt on its axis. It was my first time, and it was perfect — or at least, I thought it was. My heart felt like it might burst as his hand cupped my cheek, his thumb brushing my skin in a way that made me shiver.

When he pulled back, he smiled down at me, his gaze warm and reassuring. “That was even better than I imagined.”

I laughed nervously, wiping my sweaty hands on my dress. “Yeah? ”

“Yeah,” he murmured, his lips curling into a grin that made my stomach flip. “You’re amazing, Farren.”

His words settled over me like the dawn of a new day, wrapping me in a feeling I’d never experienced before. For the first time, I felt seen . W anted.

“Let’s try that again,” he whispered, and this time, the kiss was completely different. His tongue touched mine and his hand slid down my back where he squeezed my butt. Sparks went off behind my closed eyes and I moaned into his mouth. I had never felt anything like that and my skin heated to an almost unbearable level.

But when his other hand pressed against my breast, I jolted away from his touch. “Stop. I can’t do that.”

“I’m sorry,” he immediately said. “I just… you’re so beautiful and I got carried away. But I can take things slow with you. You’re worth it.”

“Really?” I asked in awe, completely swooning and ready to sign my heart over to him forever and ever.

“Really,” he reassured me with another brush of his thumb over my cheek. But then his expression shifted, his gaze turning almost shy. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I said, still floating on the high of our kisses.

“I just…” He hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck. “I want something to remember tonight by. Something that’s yours.”

I frowned, confused. “Like what?”

He glanced down, then back up at me, his eyes pleading. “Your panties. ”

My stomach flipped, but this time it wasn’t a good feeling. “What?”

“I know it’s a lot to ask,” he said quickly, soft and coaxing. “But it’s not like I’m asking for anything else. It’s just… you’re special, Farren. I want something of yours to keep. Something that’s just between us. To prove to me that you feel the same way.”

I stared at him, my mind spinning. This felt off. But then he kissed me again, his hands framing my face, and all my doubts melted. When he pulled back, his voice was a whisper. “Please. It’ll mean so much to me.”

My gut screamed that this was wrong. But the way he looked at me — the way he made me feel — overrode the warning bells in my head. “Okay,” I said finally, my voice barely above a whisper.

His smile was blinding, and he stepped back to give me space. My hands trembled as I reached under my dress and I was so glad it was dark so he couldn’t see the details. I slid my panties down my legs, the cool air against my skin sending shivers up my spine, but I ignored it, focused solely on Liam’s expression.

Although his face was in shadow, I could feel the intensity of his stare, I thought maybe this wasn’t such a terrible idea. Maybe this was what trust felt like.

But then, just as I handed him my plain white panties, the flashes started.

Blinding, relentless, one after another, and I held my hand in front of my face to protect my eyes. I felt the panties ripped from my other hand and I blinked to find Liam holding them out, laughing hysterically.

It only took a few seconds, but I realized the flashes were from camera phones, and pictures were being taken. Laughter erupted around us. A group of kids — all the popular kids — emerged from the shadows, their phones held high, their faces twisted with glee.

“Oh my God,” one of the girls shrieked, doubling over with laughter. “She actually did it!”

“This is priceless,” another guy said, snapping more pictures as Liam waved my panties like a flag. “Liam, you’re a legend.”

The world tilted, the sound of their cackling mingling with the blood roaring in my ears. My stomach churned, bile rising in my throat as I stared at Liam, who was grinning like he’d just won the lottery.

“Why would you do that?” I croaked, my voice breaking.

He shrugged, holding up my panties like a trophy. “Why not? It was a bet and too good to pass up.” He turned to his friends. “Was I good or what?” he yelled, and they all cheered.

The laughter grew louder, and someone called out, “Smile, Farren! You’re famous now!”

I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. The humiliation crashed over me in waves, and all I could do was stare at Liam, who no longer looked handsome but rather maniacally evil.

“Come on,” he said, his grin widening. “It was just a joke.”

“A joke?” My voice cracked, tears blurring my vision. “You used me. Humiliated me. All to win a bet?”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It’s not like anyone’s going to care tomorrow.”

But I cared. I cared more than I’d ever thought possible.

The laughter followed me as I bolted, tears streaming down my face. I didn’t stop running until I was outside, the cool night air biting at my skin. The humiliation and betrayal burned, carving deep wounds that I knew would never fully heal.

I had put my faith in him. And he had destroyed a young girl’s confidence and ability to trust.

I open my eyes to find Rafferty staring at me with murder in his expression. I’d recounted the story like a robot, afraid to succumb to the emotion of it. “And now you know, brother of mine.”

“Jesus,” Rafferty says, his voice sickened with sorrow.

“I hope you can understand how traumatic that was for me, and why it might have shaped my feelings about trusting men.”

“Your decision not to go to college?” he asks.

I nod. “I was afraid of people pretending to be my friend. I was afraid of being singled out, humiliated. College is all about growth and trying new things, and I wasn’t about to do that.”

Rafferty takes a few breaths. Opens his mouth to say something, then snaps it shut again. More breaths and then he pushes up from his chair and starts to pace.

Wheeling on me, he says, “First, I’m going to kill that fucker. Do you know where he is?”

I blink at Rafferty in surprise. “Um… last I heard, he’s still in Calgary. I saw on social media that he manages a tire store.”

“I bet I can weight his body down with a few heavy-duty brands and dump him in the Bow River.”

For all the heaviness of the past several minutes, this strikes me as hilarious and I can’t help but laugh. Rafferty isn’t amused though. He turns to face me, crossing his arms. “You cannot let that experience scare you away from relationships, Farren. You can’t believe all men are scum and untrustworthy.”

“Apparently, I can,” I mutter, referencing my habitual need to keep myself emotionally removed from the opposite sex.

“Do you believe I love Tempe?” he asks.

I blink in surprise, failing to see the relevance. “Of course I do.”

“Do you think I’d ever hurt her?”

“Never.” I see what he’s trying to do now. “But you’re different.”

Rafferty slides back into the chair at the table and clasps his hands before him. “No, Farren. I’m not. I’m human, same as Liam and Derek. Same as our father, and North. You can’t make blanket statements that apply to all of us. You can’t assume you’re going to get hurt—”

“But—”

“But so the fuck what?” he says with a shake of his head. “You get hurt, you heal, you move the fuck on. It’s what you should have done a long time ago.”

“It’s not that easy,” I say in a small voice because he’s making me feel like a simpleton.

“Yeah, it is, Farren. What happened to you was awful. Traumatic. It formed part of who you are today, but it didn’t take all of you away. You love and care for your family and friends. You were starting to really open up to North in ways I know you’ve never done with anyone else. You got a little spooked and it set you back, but get past it. Face those fears. Tell them to fuck off and go get your happiness.”

Something about his words strikes a chord within me.

Go get your happiness.

“And North is my happiness?” I ask. “You really believe that?”

“I do,” he says. “And I don’t know what else to say to make you believe it.” Rafferty stands from the table. “Ball’s in your court now.”

“North was pretty mad last night. I’m not sure he wants to talk to me.”

Rafferty lifts a shoulder. “Only one way to find out. ”

I slink down in my chair, drumming my fingertips on the table. My brother makes a lot of sense, but he’s asking me to let go of years of built-up defenses to peel back my distorted lens from which I view men, trust and relationships.

It seems daunting.

Scary.

Risky.

I compare that to what I’m feeling now.

Flat.

Empty.

Sad.

It looks like it’s time for me to really think about what type of life I want and what path I’m going to choose.