Page 10
CHAPTER 10
Farren
F rom the top step of North’s front porch, I sit huddled against the freezing cold. I’m bundled in my heaviest coat, hat, scarf and gloves, patiently waiting for this enigma of a man to arrive home.
The cold isn’t a deterrent though. I’m Canadian after all, and the winter here in Pittsburgh has nothing on Calgary. Sure, it bites, but it’s not the kind of cold that sinks deep into your bones and makes you question all your life choices. Back home, winters mean braving arctic blasts that feel like the universe is actively trying to kill you. Here, it’s tolerable, and my shiver is more out of impatience than from the weather. If this were Calgary, I’d be tucked inside already, watching the snow through a frost-covered window, waiting for the chinook to come and save me. But here I am, sitting in this mild little chill, because the thought of seeing North is warming me more than any windbreak ever could.
The bottle of champagne I brought to celebrate the new year sits off to the side in a mound of fresh snow. I glance at it before checking my phone for what must be the tenth time and I see it’s just past one in the morning now.
I rang in the new year in the back of an Uber, watching the city lights blur past as I tried to ignore the pang of loneliness that had been eating at me all night. I didn’t plan to come here, not really. I was comfortable in my decision not to go to the party at Foster and Mazzy’s house, even though Tempe and Rafferty worked at me hard. Rafferty was slightly suspicious I was passing up a good time so I fell back on a slight lie… I wasn’t feeling good.
They left and I ambled around Raff’s apartment unsettled. I ate a sandwich for dinner, drank a beer and finally decided to turn in early in an attempt to sleep through all of this discontent.
But as the clock ticked closer to midnight, sleep became impossible. I tossed and turned, flopped from side to back to stomach, and couldn’t get my eyes to stay shut. After staring at the ceiling for what felt like forever, I gave up and made a command decision.
There was only one thing that would settle me, so I got dressed, grabbed a bottle of champagne from the fridge and was out the door.
Now, sitting here in the icy stillness of North’s neighborhood, I wonder what the hell I’m even doing. I know he went to Foster and Mazzy’s New Year’s Eve party and for all I know, he’s still there. It’s a night built for partying after all. It’s silly of me to assume he’d leave shortly after the clock struck midnight. There would be no reason for him to rush home, as I certainly didn’t tell him I was coming over.
My toes are numb, my nose is red, and I’m practically vibrating with nerves as I consider that maybe I shouldn’t be here. What if North got wild and crazy tonight? What if North isn’t alone when he comes home? The thought of a woman in his truck when he pulls in that driveway churns my stomach.
Worse yet… what if he doesn’t come home at all? That most likely means he met someone and hooked up.
And here I am, sitting like a loser in the cold, hoping to make some sort of connection with him tonight.
I’m not supposed to care about things like this. Casual is the rule we agreed upon. No strings, no commitments, no expectations. But the idea of him with another woman twists something ugly and possessive inside me.
I’d kill him.
Okay, not kill him. But I’d definitely… what? Storm off in a dramatic huff? Throw the champagne at his truck?
“Damn it,” I grumble in frustration at myself. Why am I even giving brain power to this notion?
North isn’t that type of guy. If he’s sleeping with me, he’s only sleeping with me. While I might keep my walls up and don’t necessarily trust him as a man, I do trust in his loyalty. I’ve seen it over and over again.
The way he defended Penn when what he did was indefensible.
The way he’s standing so staunchly by Rafferty throughout this mess with Tansy.
A mess, by the way, that hopefully has some resolution on the horizon. This morning, me, Rafferty and Tempe talked about his best course of action against these false doping allegations. I wanted to play it safe, hunker down and wait for the Titans to ferret out the truth. Tempe wanted to go in guns blazing. She had this notion that Raff should immediately go to Brienne Norcross and confess the entire sordid situation—from sleeping with her cousin to avoiding her stalking, to the fake relationship turned real.
While Rafferty loves me with his whole heart and listened to my concerns, he decided to put his trust in Tempe, and they went off to talk to Brienne. I was nervous but it was tempered somewhat by watching Rafferty and Tempe confess their love to each other.
Right there in his kitchen, right in front of me.
It was beautiful and sweet and apparently the miracle of true love was validated.
Which makes me think of North. I’ve seen enough to know that he’s an anomaly when it comes to men in general. His kindness is too genuine, his devotion to Rafferty and his teammates too concrete, and his honesty too purposeful. He’s never given me a single reason to doubt him, and even as I sit here stewing in irrational jealousy, I know he wouldn’t betray the fragile thing we’ve built.
Which is a monogamous, sex-only relationship , I remind myself.
Headlights sweep across the driveway, and my heart leaps into my throat. I rise to my feet as North’s truck pulls in, the engine cutting off. When he cracks the driver’s door, the interior light illuminates him enough for me to note the shock on his face to see me standing there. The corners of his mouth lift in a smirk as his boots hit the ground. He looks so fucking hot wearing a tailored peacoat over dark jeans and a fitted sweater, and he looks every bit the man who doesn’t belong to a single person, least of all me.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, striding my way.
I bend over, pluck the champagne from the snow and hold it up. “Wanted to ring in the new year with you.”
He doesn’t hesitate, crossing the snow-covered yard in a few long strides. Before I can say anything else, his hands, warmed by the interior of his truck, are on my cheeks and his lips press against mine in a kiss so grounding it feels like I’m being pulled out of orbit .
When he leans back, his eyes are soft, crinkling at the corners. “I’m glad you came. Party was so boring without you.”
I laugh, though the sound is shaky. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”
“Worse,” he says, guiding me toward the door. “Come inside before you freeze.”
The heat of his house is a welcome reprieve despite my Canadian blood, and I shrug off my coat, letting it fall onto a chair. North takes the bottle from my hand and moves into the kitchen. I watch as he nabs two flutes from the butler’s pantry and effortlessly pops the cork. He’s so self-assured as he pours two glasses, the fizzing bubbles catching the light.
I take my proffered glass and merely tap it against his before we silently take a sip. North sets his flute down to slip out of his coat, which he drapes over the back of an island stool.
“Anything good happen at the party?” I ask.
North doesn’t respond immediately. Instead, he grabs his bubbly with one hand and me with the other, leading me into the living room. We settle onto the couch, angled toward each other.
“Rafferty updated me at the party about his meeting with Brienne,” he says, swirling his glass.
I nod. “I’m dying to know how her meeting with Tansy went. Rafferty doesn’t seem overly nervous about it though.”
“He knows he has truth on his side,” North replies with a smile. “The drug test as expected was negative and it will only be a matter of time before they prove the reports and photos were doctored.”
Tapping a finger against my glass, I muse, “I still can’t believe Tempe suggested going to Brienne. It felt so risky, but it worked. She’s good for him.”
“She is,” North agrees, tilting his glass toward me. “They’re good together. Like they were made for each other.”
His words tighten something within me. I picture the way Rafferty and Tempe looked at each other this morning, the way they said I love you with such sincerity that it made me want something I swore I’d never let myself want again.
I drain my glass, setting it on the coffee table before turning to him. “It sounds like a happy ending for Raff. He deserves it.”
North sets his glass down, his gaze steady on mine. “We all deserve happy endings.”
The air shifts, his words sounding ominous to me. That urge to bolt takes hold. Everything in me screams to run, but instead, I move toward him. My intent is to kiss, to touch, to distract. Bring this around to what’s really important between us and that’s the sex.
But North places a hand on my sternum, stopping me.
“I want more than this,” he says gruffly, his gaze penetrating me so deeply, I feel gutted.
“More than what?” I ask hesitantly. “Because right now, we’re just sitting on the couch.”
North doesn’t roll his eyes but somehow his stare intensifies. “You know what I’m saying because you’re a million times smarter than I could ever hope to be. I want more than this secretive, casual thing we got going. I want all of you, not just the parts you’re willing to give. I want to take you out on dates and have you cheer for me at hockey games.”
I pull back, panic creeping in. “I can’t do that.”
“Why?” he pushes, not harshly but with the conviction that he’s right, and I’m wrong.
“Because I can’t,” I snap defensively.
“You can if you want to,” he counters, his voice calm but insistent.
“I don’t want to,” I say, enunciating my words slowly.
“But why?” he repeats, unwilling to let me off easy. His head is tilted in genuine curiosity. “Tell me what’s holding you back.”
I shake my head, eyes resolutely holding his so he understands how firm I am in my convictions. “It’s something that happened a long time ago.”
North doesn’t reply. Just waits .
“It doesn’t matter what happened,” I say before he can try to push me for details. “What matters is that the woman I am today doesn’t trust in commitment and that’s not going to change.”
“But what is your definition of commitment? I’m just asking we openly date. I’m not asking you to move in, get married or have my kids. I’m just asking for something more normal than hiding in the shadows.”
“I get that,” I say, blowing out a frustrated breath. “But taking this to the next level will eventually lead to higher levels. And you’re going to want more than I can give, and when you push for it, I’ll run.”
His brow furrows. “You’ll run?”
I look around, searching for the right words to make him understand. My thoughts are disjointed and it makes me feel stupid. That, in turn, makes me feel desperate for understanding.
“Every time someone gets close, I bail. My parents and brother say I’m free-spirited because I do things on a whim, but the truth is, I’m running from commitment. And that’s more than I’ve ever admitted to anyone so you should be grateful for that level of explanation.”
North reaches for me, his hand touching my arm, his thumb stroking lightly. “You don’t have to run from me. We’ll take it slow. If you get scared, you can pull back. I’ll wait.”
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, and I hate how much I want to believe him. “What if I hurt you?”
He smiles faintly, his hand finding mine. “That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
I stare at him, my heart warring with my head. I feel like I’m standing on a precipice, ready to topple at any moment. “Is this a deal breaker?”
“No,” he says firmly, and I breathe a sigh of relief. “But I’m not going to stop trying to change your mind.”
I manage a smile. “That’s fair. As long as you’re okay with me continuing to deny you.”
North offers a sly smile, his hand going behind my neck. He drags me toward him slowly. “I know one thing you won’t deny me.”
My blood instantly heats at the innuendo and promise in his voice. “What’s that?” I whisper. He pulls me closer, his mouth inches away.
“Your body,” he says simply, then feathers his lips over mine. “Isn’t that right?”
“Yes,” I manage to rasp just before he consumes me with a blistering kiss.
He’s right. I’ll never deny him this.