Page 59 of No Knight (My Kind of Hero #3)

Ryan

I hate the look on his face. The hesitation and the pain as I make him doubt my love. I hate what I’m doing to him, but I don’t do it lightly. And I do it for him. What’s best for him.

“Fuck this bullshit,” he says, stalking across the room. “Last night, this fucking morning, I was there—I was inside you. You can’t fake those kinds of emotions.”

“Maybe you can’t,” I whisper, turning to the window.

“You’re just frightened,” he says, coming to stand behind me. In the reflection, I watch his hand rise. But he lowers it again without reaching for me. Maybe he’s learning.

“You’re right.” Confessing a little of the truth won’t hurt me.

“I’m frightened all the goddamn time. I’m frightened of being on my own, and of not being able to cope.

I worry about baby brain and a shift in my focus and losing my edge.

I worry that I won’t be able to do my job—I worry that I won’t get a job.

Here. Back home. But worst of all,” I say, as my voice breaks, “I’m so very afraid that I’ll turn into my mom. ”

“That’s not gonna happen.” In our reflection, Matt swipes a hand through his hair. “You’re not that person. You’re kind and loving—”

I give a laugh that sounds like a sob.

“It’s fucking true.”

“You don’t know,” I say, my attention slicing over my shoulder. “After all, she was my only role model.”

“You’re your own role model, Ryan. And you love this baby.” His arm comes around me to touch me, but I spin away.

“But will this baby love me back, or will she learn to hate me?”

“What are you talking about?” he demands, catching my arm and stilling me. “You’ll be an amazing mum—look at all you’ve done for him so far.”

“Drinking tea I don’t like and staying away from wine and not shoving coke up my nose is a pretty low bar.”

“You moved in with me. That was some leap of faith, and you didn’t do it for you.”

His words strike me true. I accepted his proposal for so many reasons, but at the heart of each was that one constant.

Our child. I said yes for safety, for security.

And it was a leap of faith, and he was our soft landing.

And I did it so Matt could be a father and so our child wouldn’t be fatherless. But that’s not enough to keep me here.

“All that other shit? Those obstacles? You’ll overcome every one of them. You’ve seen some stuff, suffered I don’t know what. But you’ve survived. Look at yourself, Ryan. You’ve fucking thrived.”

“Impending motherhood has made me soft. Made me delusional.” Made me think for a little while that I could keep you. “What happens when I turn back into the real me?”

“I love the real you,” he says with such adamancy, my words dialing up his rage. “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t know her.”

“I’m not worthy of your love,” I retort, pulling from his hold. “Aren’t you listening? You don’t know, Matt. You just don’t know. Last night, in bed, lying across your chest, I wanted to rip out all your fucking tenderness.”

“I would’ve let you—let you tear open my chest if it meant I could show you my love. To prove it to you.”

“Do you know why I stayed?” I demand as I pivot. Bodily. Tactically. “Because I needed a roof over my head. And I needed someone to keep me accountable.”

“Fucking bullshit!” he yells, full of rage. “This was never about what was good for you.”

“You don’t know me,” I repeat, turning for the door to my apartment. I need to leave. Go. I can’t be here anymore. “You don’t know the things that I’ve done.”

“You’re the first woman I have ever loved. The only one.”

My heart aches to hear that. But he’ll find someone else. Who couldn’t love him?

“You shouldn’t hang your hopes on me,” I say, almost at the door when I turn to face him. “I’m not a good person. You shouldn’t trust me.”

“Don’t leave.”

He looks so hurt. I hate that I have to do this.

“You’ll find someone else. Someone like Mila or Evie. A woman with goodness inside her.”

“Fuck that.”

“Evie and her animals. Mila and her social causes. Ryan and her ... m-mercenary ways.” I catch myself just in time.

“Fuck all your excuses,” he retorts angrily.

“I don’t want Mila, I don’t want Evie, or anyone like them.

I love you! The Ryan I know isn’t a quitter.

She’s fearless and, yes”—he gives a huff of a laugh—“oh so fucking independent. You don’t have to leave.

You’ve just been conditioned to think the worst of yourself. Of everything. Can’t you see that?”

“I know who I am.” I bring my fingers to my chest. “And I above all people know what I’m capable of.”

“And what about me?” He takes a step toward me, but I hold up my hand.

Stop. Don’t. Let’s not do this again. “You think I deserve better? That I’m worth more than you?

You don’t know a fucking thing,” he says, coming closer anyway.

“The night back in October when I left you in the foyer. It wasn’t for condoms.” In front of me now, he tips my chin as he says so softly, “It was so I could go and beat some sense into that fuckhead. One of them, anyway.”

I feel my brow furrow.

“Brandon,” he spits. “I wanted to smash in his face, but I was careful. I didn’t want you to cop trouble. Not at work,” he adds like a taunt.

Something blooms hot in my chest—a realization. After that night, the asshole pretty much left me alone. I thought he’d gotten the message finally. And he had. I just hadn’t realized the mode of delivery. “Why would you do that?”

“Because he deserved it. Because I hate bullies. Now ask me what I did to the other fucker.”

“To Pete?” I’d know if he ...

“Best not say his name around me, teacup. Not when I’m feeling this charged.”

“You wouldn’t—”

“Hurt you? Never.” His thumb strokes my cheek. “Can’t say the same for anyone else, though.”

“What did you do, Matt?”

“Just ... systematically destroyed your ex. His livelihood. And the company you used to work for.”

“But you said—”

“I know what I said. I also know what I’ve done.

And the two aren’t the same.” He gives a casual flick of his wrist. “You didn’t want to.

Said you’d prefer to leave it all in the past. But .

..” He pulls away and shoves his hands into his pockets, almost rocking on his heels.

“There are always consequences, Ryan. Without them, how do we learn?”

“No.”

“I punished that fucker in the bathroom for making you feel powerless. And maybe the fact that he didn’t get away with it means next time he’ll think twice. Next time, he won’t push it further—impose his will in much worse ways. Same goes for Pete, though on a much grander scale.”

My heart sinks, but not for what he’s done. For what I might’ve driven him to.

“Consequences,” he adds. “There should always be consequences. For breaking the law, breaking promises, bending rules. Or what’s the point?”

“You’re not—” Judge and jury , I was about to say.

“Would you like to see him do to his wife what he did to you?”

“It’s not my place to police him.” And she’s not my responsibility.

“It’s not my place either. But don’t confuse my motives. I’m no knight in shining armor. It was pure ego. I wanted to hurt him, and so I have. Ruined him for what he did to you. See?” He holds out his hands. “Not so perfect after all.”

“This changes nothing, Matt. In fact, it makes my point. I did this, didn’t I? I’m the catalyst for all this ugliness.”

The look he sends me is pure disgust. “You want to play the martyr, you go on ahead. Because fuck you for doing this. For leaving me. You’ll always be the missing part of my life.”

“Maybe you should fight me.”

Consternation flickers on his brow. Confusion, maybe.

“Not fight for me. Fight to protect our child,” I say, pressing my hands to my stomach. My heart beats out of my chest as the things he’s said and done begin to swirl through my head. Without me, he wouldn’t have been pushed to this. This is not who he is.

“What are you talking about?”

The ugliness bubbles up inside, my admission. My confession. Am I really going to tell—share the secret I have held inside me all these years? Reveal my black soul and admit to the act of retribution there is no repenting for?

“I don’t deserve all this ... goodness.” I press my hands to my belly as my eyes fill with tears and my heart with shame. “I don’t deserve to be happy, and I don’t deserve to be a mother. Not when I killed my own.”