Page 47 of No Knight (My Kind of Hero #3)

Matt

Romero family group chat, without the aul wans . The old ones, also known as the parents.

Me : I have an announcement to make.

Hugo : Yr gay?

Sebastien : But not the good kind.

Lola : Yeah, not the actual gay kind of gay.

Lucía : He’s not cool enough for that. Matt is the late noughties, crap kind of gay.

Letty : When are you lot gonna grow up?

Hugo : When you lick the back of my ballbag.

Letty : That’s a charming thing to say to your sister.

Hugo : Sorry. I’m not well. I’m still in my bed.

Letty : What’s wrong?

Hugo : Whiskey mostly.

Sebastien : And a run of shite games.

Hugo : Do you wanna go home in a box?

Me : Getting back to me ...

Lola : There he goes, main charactering again.

Lucía : That’s where Matt gets it from. The aul wans are all for main charactering.

Letty : Are you two talking in tongues?

Lucía : Story checks out. The parentals think this thread is for arranging their birthday presents and stuff.

Me : Fuck’s sake. Are you all done?

Hugo : Done in. Can we get this over so I can go back to bed?

Sebastien : You’re in bed right now. And not alone, dick fingers.

Lola : Dick fingers? Actually, don’t answer that.

Sebastien : Because everything he touches, he fucks.

Hugo : You’re just jealous because you didn’t pull last night.

Matt : Shut the feck up, the lot of youse !

Hugo : But at least you get more action than Matt.

Sebastien : Father O’Flannery gets more action than Matt.

Lucía : Matt, *youse* isn’t a real word.

Lola : No wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Me : Hilarious. But you’re all wrong because I’m about to become a father.

Hugo : You’re such a gobshite.

Letty : It’s true.

Lola : He told you first ?!?!

Me : Blame Clodagh and her flapping lugs.

Sebastien : Clodagh knows you used a surrogate?

Me : Feck off.

Letty : Her name is Ryan. She’s very nice. And she’s living at Matt’s place. They’re in this together but not to- Geth -er.

Me : Thanks for that, Letty. Next time I’ll let you break the news.

Sebastien : Matt ... she already did.

Me : Ah, Letty. Fuck’s sake.

Letty : Sorry. I was too excited for you.

Sebastien : Congrats, big bro.

Lola : Yes, congratulations, Matty!

Lucía : Same.

Hugo : I’m pretty sure there are wiser beings out in the fields chewing grass than you.

Me : . . .

Well, that went about as well as I expected.