Page 36 of Nicki's Fight

“It’s sostupid,” I answered. “I mean, it used to be Kaine, Bishop and I hanging out together all the time and it never bothered me. Now Bishop is all wrapped up in his art projects, and it’s just been Kaine and me. But now he’s dating Vinnie. I still see Kaine almost as much as I always did, but it’s…differentsomehow. How can it feel like I’m missing him, when I see him every day?”

She looked at me a few minutes, her gaze intent.

“Nicki, do you think miss spending time with Kaine, or do you miss spending time with Kaine…alone?” she asked.

I blushed.

“I-I…” I stammered, not sure what to say. I didn’t really knowwhatI felt. I just knew I felt sick when I wasn’t with him. That he made me smile and made my heart race in the best way.

“Dominick,” she said seriously. “Sweetie. Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?”

My heart almost stopped the minute she said it. The thought had occurred to me before, but in the way of most teenagers, I’d avoided looking at it very closely. I mean, considering how open Kaine and his family were, how could Inothave considered the possibility?

Kaine was my best friend. I loved him as a friend… right? I tried to make myself say that what I felt for Kaine was platonic, then I stopped to think back over the last several months. Thought about how just being in Kaine’s presence made me feel physically better at times. Thought about how my heart raced when I would run into him at school, or the special glow I’d feel after we’d done something together. Not to mention the times I’d had to hide my erections when he’d been around. The time he’d spent the night and it was all I could do to make it through the evening without embarrassing myself or him with an obvious erection. Or how I’d rubbed one out in the bathroom as soon as he left.

As per usual, my mom was right.

“I— I think so…” I whispered.

She sighed, her own eyes getting a little watery.

“Are you… are you disappointed in me?” I asked, my eyes searching hers fearfully. I could deal with a lot of things in my life but letting my Mom down was not one of them.

“Oh, baby boy! No! I couldn’t be disappointed in you in a million years,” she said, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing me tight. “I just wish… wish this could be an easier path for you, sweetie. I know you didn’t choose it, but being gay ishard.”

I nodded and swallowed.

“Are you going to tell Dad?” I asked. I had no idea how my father would react.

“Do you want me to?” she asked.

I nodded. I had no idea how I would even broach the subject with him.

“Okay, then. I’ll have a talk with him,” she promised me.

We sat there a few minutes. I thought for a while she was going to say something else, but she seemed to change her mind.

“So, let’s talk about Kaine,” she said. “Why do you like him so much?”

I thought for a minute.

“He’s— He’sKaine. He’s funny, and smart, and really good with math. He’s… he’s just plain nice, Mom,” I said. “The other day Freddie Matthewson, the new kid, was being picked on because his clothes were dirty, and he smelled funny. They were calling him names like piggy and bum. Kaine not only told one of the teachers, he and Freddie became friends. Freddie hung out with us last weekend.”

My Mom smiled at me, her grey eyes shining. “You’ve got it bad, sweetie.”

I blushed and pretended I was going to lob the pillow at her. We laughed for a minute before settling back down.

“I do have it bad, don’t I?” I said, a touch of wonder in my voice. Being gay just explained so much about how I felt. I started thinking back to all the time I’d spent with Kaine, how he understood me better than anyone—except my Mom.

“Um hmm…” she said. “The question is, what are you going to do about it?”

“I— I guess I could tell him,” I began. “…but hereallylikes Vinnie. I don’t want to try and break them up or anything, and if I tell him I am gay, I know that’s what Vinnie will think I am doing.”

“So, what are your other options?” she said.

I took a deep breath.

“I could wait. See how things go with him and Vinnie. The thing is…” I paused a moment. “I’mprettysure Vinnie is cheating on him. I saw the way he was whispering to one of the boys at school in another grade. He was making him blush and I saw him… I saw him…touchhim…”