Page 18
“T hanks, Suzy.”
Sarah collected her tall chai latte from the owner of The Coffee Blend and pushed her sunglasses back on her face as she returned to the street.
It wasn’t exactly sunglasses weather, but walking incognito around the township of Muskoka Shores demanded it.
She sipped her drink, examining the offerings next door at Brandi’s Bookstore and Gifts.
How long would Dan take? He hadn’t wanted to drive into town today, but they’d needed supplies, so he’d said he’d visit the Muskoka Shores grocery store while she got a chai latte.
Dan made great coffee, but his preference was always for the straight black stuff, rather than the sweeter side of life.
Still, so far so good. She was glad to be making little forays into the social world again, even if she didn’t want anyone to recognize her. And she especially didn’t want to see a certain neighbor with a baby who kept popping up most inconveniently.
Maybe Dan had been joking when he’d suggested taking a vacation to Australia.
She sure hoped not. Muskoka was nice, but here in town, where he was often recognized by those wanting selfies or to discuss hockey with them, made things trickier, especially as tourist season ramped up.
It’d be awesome to continue to live in their bubble for a little longer, to not have to worry about anyone else, to feel like they could just be.
And if not here, then Australia was perfect.
He wouldn’t be recognized there, and she could fly under the radar too.
But after his initial comment, she’d kind of got the impression that he wasn’t so keen, especially given his expression at finding out where the Heartsong tour would begin.
She peered at the window display offerings at Merrill’s Fashions, then decided they weren’t exactly going to fit her more vintage vibe, so kept walking to where the grocery store was.
The town had a few bulbs out in its street planter boxes, daffodils and tulips adding pops of cheerful color.
There were good things in this world, beautiful things that made her pause and smile and feel a sense of joy and wonder.
She needed to focus on those moments, rather than—
“Sarah? Is that you?”
She stilled. Seriously? Again? Why did Jackie keep turning up like a bad rash?
But Sarah couldn’t keep avoiding her. She’d get suspicious, and think Sarah was offended with her.
And while she wasn’t offended, per se, she was struggling with envy.
But running away wouldn’t help. So she braced, and turned around. “Hi, Jackie.”
Of course Jackie had her baby in a sling. She seemed like a real earth mother type. But the baby made it impossible to ignore, especially with its sweet face staring out, dark eyes taking in all the world.
Her heart squeezed. Lord, help me get out of here quick.
Jackie smiled. “I’m so glad to finally catch you.”
That made one of them.
The baby at Jackie’s chest screwed up his features, and started to protest. Jackie’s shoulders slumped.
She recognized that pose. Felt an urge to ask if there was anything she could do. But she didn’t want to. Like, really didn’t want to. Lord, You have permission to personally rapture me right now …
Jackie’s phone started to ring, and she hunted through her phone as the baby squawked in protest, her pleading look impossible to ignore.
Fine, God. Have it Your way . “Is there something I can do?” she muttered.
“Would you mind holding Charlie?”
Yes, she minded. One thousand percent she minded. Lord, I don’t want to! But there was no time to do anything as, with a sigh of relief, Jackie released the baby from the sling and deposited the child in Sarah’s hands, and finally answered her call. “Hello, Linc?”
Sarah’s arms were stiff, as if they’d forgotten how to hold a child.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t held small children before.
She adored her nieces, and had long loved holding them, tickling them, giving them hugs and blurting raspberries against their little necks as they shrieked with laughter.
But holding a baby now, knowing she would likely never have her own, only sparked tears and tightened her throat.
Wide brown eyes turned to look at her, the delicious baby smell rising to squeeze her heart.
“Hello,” she whispered. A cramp rippled across her insides, as if her womb recognized this was what it had been designed for. She blinked fast. Lord, this is so hard.
Around them, the locals and tourists of Muskoka Shores continued, as if oblivious to Sarah’s emotional distress.
Maybe the baby noticed Sarah’s anguish, for his whimpers increased.
Or maybe that was simply because Jackie’s call had allowed enough time for Charlie to realize that the person holding him was not his mother, and for him to protest anew.
Sarah sucked back emotion and jiggled him. “Hey, it’s okay. Mummy is just over there. She can see you.”
She veered away, as a sharp pang of grief hit her. His mother could see him, but she’d never see her own child. And while she didn’t want to make this about her, she was struggling. But then, right now, Jackie needed her help, and it wasn’t her fault that Sarah was finding holding her baby so hard.
Jackie ended her call and put her phone in her bag. “Oh, thank you. That was Lincoln. He only gets a few moments break in his filming, and he always tries to call then. He’s supposed to be driving up here tonight, but it looks like he’s now delayed.”
Sarah pressed her lips together and nodded. She had to exit gracefully, without breaking down.
Jackie held out her hands.
Sarah handed her the child. She needed to get away. Needed to cry. Needed a moment to regain composure and pretend this didn’t hurt.
“Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome.” Not really. “I need to go—”
“Oh, before you do, Ange mentioned the other day that you’re here for a few months.”
God bless her aunt.
“If you are, and you’re looking for something to do, then I’m having a little gathering at my house this Friday, and would love for you to come.”
No. No, no. She couldn’t think of anything worse. “Thanks, but—”
“Before you say no,” Jackie smiled, “you’d be very welcome to join us. My friend Serena has been hosting soirees for several years, and it’s a great chance to just relax with good company, nice food, cocktails or mocktails, whatever floats your boat. No husbands, no kids, just us.”
No kids? That was a plus. She pointed to the baby. “Where—?”
“Oh, Linc will take him and probably hang out with Joel while Serena’s free.”
“Is this Serena who works at the resort?”
“You know her?”
“She planned our wedding.”
Jackie beamed. “Of course, I remember now. Oh, then in that case you have to come. And it wouldn’t even be that far for you, just a couple of houses down the lane.”
Hmm. With no kids and not far away, her defenses were dropping. “Is Ange going?”
Jackie’s head tilted. “She hasn’t in the past, but there’s no reason why we couldn’t invite her. These nights really are a lot of fun.”
Fun? That was a concept she wasn’t too familiar with these days. She and Dan might like the quiet life, but there was such a thing as maybe too much quiet, especially when their relationship still didn’t feel completely easy as it had before.
“What time?”
“Look, is it forward of me to get your number? Or I can ask Serena to send you a text with the details if you prefer.” Charlie started fussing. “I’ll do that, as this one doesn’t seem to want to hang around. But I really hope you can join us.”
“Thanks.” Non-committal. No promises. She backed away. Faked a smile. Then turned to see Dan watching her.
* * *
The relief on Sarah’s face when she saw him would be comical, if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.
He knew exactly why she looked that way.
He’d no doubt look the same. Watching her hold the baby, his heart had clenched, imagining her as the mother of his own child.
Something there was a fair chance would never be.
“I’m sorry for keeping you waiting,” she said, climbing into the Jeep.
“Sar.” He held out his hand.
She wrapped both her hands around his, her face crumpling. Her breath was shaky.
He wished this vehicle had a bench seat, instead of the gear stick in the way. He leaned across as best he could, and wrapped her in his arms. “Hey. It will get easier.”
“Will it?” She sniffled. “Just when I think I’m doing okay, something like this happens and I lose it again.”
“You’re doing fine.”
“I’m not. I feel like such a fake, like I’m struggling to keep my head above water.”
Oh, he knew that feeling. Only too well. He kissed her cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too. It’s just…” She dragged in a shuddery breath. “I just want a baby.”
“I know.”
He held her in his arms for a long moment. Then she exhaled and pulled away. “Sorry.”
“You’ve got nothing to apologize for.”
“I wish I could do better.”
“It’s okay to be real.”
She smiled as he hoped she would. “Someone sounds like he’s listened to a certain podcast.”
“Someone might’ve had that discussion with you before it made it to that particular podcast.”
A lengthy sigh escaped her. “Why is it so easy to talk about things but so hard to live it?”
Great question. “Because we’re imperfect?”
“So true.” She exhaled. Wiped her face. Glanced at him. “Do I look like a mess?”
“You look cute. Like a panda.”
“What?” She flipped down the visor mirror. “I don’t look like a panda.”
“Hey, I said you look cute. Pandas are cute.”
She slapped his arm. “I think you owe me a chocolate croissant for that comment.”
He smiled. “I think you’re right.”
Two chocolate croissants later, they were back at the cottage, then, after unloading groceries, they wandered down to the dock, holding hands.
It brought back memories of when they first dated, the simple pleasures of enjoying Lake Muskoka and spending time getting to know each other, when they could talk about all kinds of things for hours.
Those days might’ve had their ups and downs, but they seemed a lot less complicated in some ways to now, when there seemed to be an undercurrent of unspoken questions beneath the surface.
“It’s such a beautiful day,” Sarah murmured.
“Yeah.” The lake was still, the reflections of trees on water unimpaired by water craft.
It was still too early for the huge influx of summer tourists to be out, which was just how he liked it.
One of the appeals of his cottage was the privacy he could get, with the large acreage on one side meaning he rarely saw his neighbors on the south.
Beyond John and Ange’s cottage on the other side, the road led to Lincoln Cash’s extravagant waterside cottage, which was even less ‘cottage-like’ than Dan’s own place, and on its own point on the peninsular.
The beach between his and John and Ange’s place was only shared between them, which meant this little bay with its own buoy and swimming dock was the perfect nook of serenity, with few summer tourists ever daring to venture in.
He lay back on the boards, enjoying the warmth of the sun heating it, enjoying the way Sarah snuggled into his side.
“This is nice,” she murmured.
“Not worried about sunburn?”
A sigh escaped her. “I really don’t think it’s fair that Australians are so close to the hole in the ozone layer when us Aussies are not the world’s biggest contributor to ozone destruction.”
He chuckled. “My environmental activist.”
She pinched him. “Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m not. I’m enjoying you.”
“Hmph.”
He smiled, wondering how long it would take for her to tell him what had happened before. Honestly, if he didn’t know better, he’d start to think Jackie was some kind of stalker, the way she kept showing up.
She sighed again, louder and longer this time, and he bit back a grin. Here it came.
“I don’t understand why Jackie would invite me to one of their soirees.”
“What soiree?”
“She and Serena have these get-togethers with some of their friends, and Jackie invited me to one this Friday night.”
Huh. Good for her. “Well, why wouldn’t she invite you? You’re amazing, beautiful, and fascinating.”
“You’re biased.”
“I mean it. Lots of people are interested in knowing you. And I’ve seen some of those comments on your podcasts. Heck, even my friends think you’re amazing. I still remember telling my Original Six friends about you and some of them asking if you had a sister.”
“Really? Why haven’t you told me this before?”
“Because I thought you knew how amazing you were.”
“Yeah, right.” She scoffed. “I don’t feel like that at all.”
“Hello, who is the woman with more followers than me on Instagram?”
She snorted. “That’s because you don’t have an account.”
And it would forever stay that way. “Look, people think you’re interesting, and want to get to know you more, so it’s a good chance for them to do so.”
“I don’t want to go,” she mumbled.
“You don’t have to,” he assured.
“Hmm.”
He bit back a smile. He knew how his wife’s mind worked, her need to talk through scenarios and get his perspective, and let things settle before the instant ‘no’ softened into a ‘maybe’, before turning into a tentative ‘yes’.
The water lapped, lulling him to long blinks that beckoned him to sleep. “When is it?”
“This Friday.”
He yawned. “I planned to watch the playoffs with John. Brent Karlsson is in it again, so it should be fun.”
“You’re ditching me for hockey?”
He would if it meant she got her socializing on again. She needed more friends. Everyone did. “I think you’ll enjoy yourself more than you expect.”
“I could enjoy you…” she murmured, pressing a kiss to his jaw.
“And you can. Next week, you said. Which is why I’m watching playoffs with John this week.”
“Are you saying you want my undivided attention next week?” She trailed a hand down his throat.
He rolled over quickly, startling her to laughter as he kissed her jaw and throat. “I’m saying, that I think you’ll have more fun than you think. So trust God that this is part of His plans, okay?”
“Okay,” she whispered.
And he cuddled her next to him, and prayed for God to have His way with both of them. With their friends, their family, and their futures.
Table of Contents
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- Page 18 (Reading here)
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