Page 30 of Mr. Infuriating (Mister #1)

Gabe

“And why can’t you keep seeing her?” Derrick asked as we walked the first cabinet into the bed of my truck.

As we set it down, I grunted, “Because I like her.”

My little brother stood up straight and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“I can’t give her what she wants.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

I needed to keep moving, like that would keep me from thinking too much, and headed back toward the shop for the next cupboard.

“She’s still young. She wants babies.”

“So? Are you shooting blanks or something? Did you get snipped?”

“No!”

We squatted on either side of the cabinet and lifted at the same time.

“So, I don’t understand the problem.”

“The problem is, I’m not Maverick. I don’t want any more kids.”

“Well, to be fair, I don’t think Maverick wanted another one, either.”

“That’s true. But when it happened, he saw it as a blessing and a second chance. I don’t know if I’d feel that way.”

“Maybe you need to change your mindset. I saw you two together, Gabe. There’s definitely something there. I’d hate for you not to pursue it. It wasn’t that long ago that you wanted more kids, too.”

“That ship sailed.”

We set the cabinet next to the first one, and I started back to the shop. Derrick, however, didn’t move past the tailgate.

“Is this about Bodhi?”

Hearing my dead son’s name out loud felt like a blow to the stomach, and I froze in my tracks.

Without turning around, I stated flatly, “No.”

“You sure about that?”

My fists clenched, and I turned to glare at my brother. His sad expression mirrored how I felt whenever I thought of Bodhi, so I consciously relaxed my fingers.

I still didn’t want to talk about it, though.

“It’s not about him. I just don’t want more kids, okay?”

“Why not? You always wanted a big family. Bodhi’s death is the only thing that makes sense about why you wouldn’t want another one. Or two.”

I’d never told anyone why Becky and I never had more children.

It didn’t take a psych degree to figure out that losing our son had put a serious strain on our marriage.

The divorce two years after Bodhi’s death said all that needed to be said; there was no need to discuss all the reasons behind our failed relationship.

Maybe now was a good time to be more forthcoming.

“We never had any more because Becky had her tubes tied without telling me. She let me go a whole year thinking we were still trying.”

Derrick sagged against the tailgate .

“You’re kidding me. Why would she do that?”

I found I needed the support of the truck’s steel frame, too, and moved to stand by him.

“She said she couldn’t bear the thought of losing another child, so she didn’t want to risk bringing another one into the world.”

“I mean, I get it. But why wouldn’t she talk to you about it first?”

I shrugged.

“We were both grief-stricken and dealing with his death in our own way. In other words, not communicating, so it made grieving together impossible. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize she blamed me for the accident until we were getting divorced.”

“ She what ? How was it your fault? You weren’t even in the car!”

“Yeah,” I said softly as I thought back to that horrible night.

“But I was supposed to be the one to pick him up from daycare. Since I ended up having to work late, I asked her sister to get him. Sienna had only had her license for about a year, so she wasn’t an experienced driver and expressed her apprehension about taking Bodhi in the car with her. ”

“Still not seeing how the accident was your fault.”

“I assured her it would be fine, but suggested she take the route she did. It had less traffic, so I thought it’d be safer.” My voice trailed off. “Obviously, it wasn’t.”

I could still hear Sienna sobbing, “I’m so sorry!” when I’d rushed into the emergency room.

It hadn’t even been her fault. The other driver hadn’t yielded when Sienna had a green light, and he made a left hand turn into her rear passenger door. Right where Bodhi’s car seat was.

My son would be nine years old today if he hadn’t died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital seven years ago.

Unbeknownst to me, my ex-wife had her tubes tied five months later, all while taking a pregnancy test every month for a year and pretending to be disappointed when it came back negative.

That’s not exactly something a relationship bounces back from, even if we hadn’t buried our youngest.

“Fuck, Gabe. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

“The sadder thing is, after lots of therapy, I understand why Becky did what she did. She was probably right. How could we have another child after losing our son? I just wish she would have gone about it differently, ya know? It took a while to make peace with not having more kids, but it turned out to be the right decision. I don’t think I could alter course again; it’d be too hard. ”

“I still think Gretchen’s your soulmate.”

I barked out a laugh.

“Isn’t that something I’m supposed to know, not you?”

“I can’t explain it… from the moment I met her, I thought she was perfect for you.”

Yeah, me too.

“Maybe we’ll run into each other again in the future when our timing is right.”

“Are you sure the timing isn’t right now?”

A picture of her this morning as she laid in bed watching me get dressed popped in my head.

“I’m not sure about anything, anymore, D.”