Page 94 of Mr. Brightside

We’ve blossomed.

And yet, here I sit. Alone. Again.

I’ve called his phone a dozen times. I’ve called The Oak, and Clinton’s, too, just in case. I’ve resisted contacting anyone else. It’s not like I didn’t see him tonight. I know exactly where he was planning to go.

I just don’t know where he is now.

I sigh out his name in anguish. I’m just so… defeated. Frustrated, angry, pissed off, and disappointed, too. But mostly defeated.

To watch him grapple with the decision, thenstillshut me out after I gave him chance after chance to stay…

It’s heartbreaking. And eye opening.

The entire situation is made worse by the fact that I finally know what it feels like to be let in.

Just last night, he opened up. He let me in, and he let me stay.

Tonight, he shut it all down. He put a hard and fast halt to everything that’s grown between us.

My heart aches for him, but it also beats out a familiar rhythm of self-pity. The throbbing is painful, but it’s not foreign. Deep down, I know I did this to myself. My pain is self-inflicted. That’s the curse of loving too easily.

I flick my ring on the countertop, watching it spin until it loses momentum, falters, and falls.

I always do this.

I fall first. Fall harder. Think a relationship is deeper than it is. It’s like I want to believe in love so badly, I’ve got blinders on to what’s actually happening.

But every other time I thought I was in love, there was always a nagging voice in the back of my head, questioning my feelings and planting seeds of insecurity. I’ve grown used to doubting my own judgment over the years.

I didn’t realize it right away, but over the last few weeks, I haven’t had to silence my self-doubt or tell my intuition to back down. Because I never felt it with Jake.

I thought he was different. I thoughtwewere different. That things had shifted between us, especially over the last week.

I thought wrong.

I knew better than to fall for him. He’s always affected me in a way no other man ever has, and I knew I was taking a risk by giving him my heart.

I knew it all along.

I wanted to love him. I wanted him to love me, too. I wanted to live happily ever after.

I wanted the fairy tale.

I’ve never done this before. It’s embarrassing, really. I’ve been in a number of long-term relationships. But I’ve never broken up with anyone. Ever.

I’ll uphold my end of the agreement; I don’t want to mess up our arrangement. But things can’t go on the way they have been. This time, I have to choose me, even if I break both our hearts in the process.

Jake pushing me away last night proved I’d let myself get too close.

Now I have to shut it down.

As I watch the clock change to four a.m., I accept my fate.

Jake made his choice. It was selfish, and it hurt. But he did what he had to do to protect himself.

Now I have to do the same.

I slide off the bar stool and scan the now-familiar kitchen. We made so many beautiful, poignant memories in such a short amount of time. When things were good, they were so damn good. I’ll never regret basking in the all-consuming glow of Jake’s affection.