Page 29 of Moonlight Bonds (The Nexus #4)

“GWEN!” Finn shouts, holding open the door of the helicopter we are using.

I smile at my aunt before jogging over to Finnegan with Annie.

We both climb in and Aleksander hands us headphones, which we slide on to stop the loud whooshing from deafening us.

Annie takes the solo seat near the front, and I go to sit in the back seat, and Hollis quickly slides into the seat next to me before Finn can get there, so it’s just us two alone.

Finn glares at him, and Hollis winks back.

A low growl echoes through the headphones, and I shake my head at them both.

Aleksander sits next to Finnegan, and Onyx sits in the seat alone by the door. Winking, smiling, this is all new for Hollis, and I like it. Everything changed between us in that pool, and I wonder exactly how he is going to distract me for the next swimming lesson. I shiver at the thought.

When the helicopter goes up into the air and begins our long journey, I pull out Rhodes’s letter.

I know I need to read it, and I need a distraction right now.

Hollis doesn’t say a word as I open it up next to him, light pouring in from the dying sun outside.

I’m glad it’s him sitting next to me as I read this.

The truth is, I’m desperate for something from Rhodes and to know what he is doing.

I can’t trust him, and I’m not sure where it leaves us, but this separation is hard because the Rhodes before the betrayal had a hold on my heart.

That hold is still there, and I can’t erase him completely. He’s written quite a bit.

Gwenieve,

I write this as I sit in my rooms in the Vian king’s cold palace.

I’ve just watched him torture three Nexus men for no other reason than he was bored, and it was entertainment to the court of Knights, all of them ancient and cruel beings that I pray you never meet.

Palace life here is cruel, and every day I’m thankful that you’re not here, that you’ll never get to see this life, the one I was born into.

I will stay here at the king’s side, pledging my hate for you out loud for his ears, pledging that I am going to take you down and finish the Morrigan my king fears.

All the time watching him, knowing that if he turned his back, I would slam my sword straight into his heart and end his pathetically long life.

I will always be looking out for you, always fighting on your side, and praying for the king’s downfall.

The king is still secretive with me, but I hope this changes soon.

I was born as nothing more than a soldier to be used for fighting and one day to breed him new commanders to replace me.

He gave us a long life span by linking our lives to his blood, making him our leader whether we wished it or not.

For an embarrassing amount of time, I believed the lie that his blood in us made us unable to refuse his command.

I know it’s a lie now. All of the Vian king’s commanders are the same.

We don’t know our mothers, and we are beaten out of having feelings, out of wanting anything more than to serve our king.

In truth, I thought any feelings that pattered in my chest were nothing but annoyances for a long time.

It took many years to snap me out of that feeling.

I know you must have thought of the animal sanctuary and what was going on there now you know who I truly am.

The sanctuary was also a hiding place for any abused women, men or children in the city who wanted to get out and escape.

We gave them new lives with humans, hid them, and sometimes I got rid of their abuser if it was possible to make it look like an accident.

My foster mother ran a similar home in the Vian city, and I found helping the weak addictive.

I like seeing them happy and free of fear.

It’s how I knew what you’d been through without a word; it was all written on your face, in the way you held yourself.

Your parents or the Vian or someone hurt you when you were on the run.

I wanted to make you feel better. Did you know I had never bought anyone a gift before until Nibbles?

I was so nervous waiting for you to see her and see what you thought.

You saw Nibbles exactly the same way I saw you.

A little broken, but beautifully kind, and it only took love to fix.

The Vian king doesn’t see what is right in front of him, how many of his court despise him and want a different future.

He doesn’t understand what love is and how it cannot just simply be taken, stolen and disappeared.

You might be my mate, but that was never what made me love you.

It was you, Gwenieve. It was your love of helpless animals, it was your smile at the weak boy in class who everyone else would have given up on, and it’s your brightness against the darkness and your laugh when you feel so hopeless.

It’s the way you looked at me by the truck.

I fell like a stone into the sea for you, and I will never stop sinking.

I don’t want to stop, even if you never wish to be mine.

The king believes that loyalty is stronger than love. Oh, how wrong he is. I thought the same until I met you.

My mate.

I am yours always until the stars above take us home. There will never be enough sorry’s to cover this mess up, but I hope one day we can begin something new. We can fix this because we love each other enough to try.

I know when you’re reading this, you probably still want nothing to do with me.

I don’t blame you. Why would you want anything to do with me?

I tricked you. I poisoned you to keep your Nexus quiet.

I gave you to him, and I could tell you it was all part of a plan.

That I knew you’d never die. It doesn’t make any of it better.

Hollis was against it from the start. He said it was a stupid plan, and he was right.

When you’re ready, I would like us to talk, try to mend some of this, if it’s even possible to be mended.

Until then, I am your spy within the palace, your shadow in the dark, here for you to call on when you need it.

When the king falls, it will be me right there, making sure no one else rises in his place that is ever a threat to you.

With all my love, Rhodes. Your mate, who is endlessly in love with you.

I don’t realise I’m crying until I fold the letter shut and feel the wetness on my hands as I wipe my face.

Rhodes. I know he is trying, and this is breaking my heart because how will I ever be able to trust him again?

It’s too messy, it’s too much, and I’m still so angry at him.

I still feel pain in my chest when I think of that night, when my world just stopped.

He made me doubt myself in a way no one else ever has done.

He pushed me to the limit—no, he pushed me past the limit.

I fold the letter up and slip it into my pocket.

Hollis squeezes my hand and looks at me.

He knows I don’t need to talk about it, not yet.

I haven’t even asked him when Rhodes wrote this, when he gave it to Hollis, and how long Hollis has had it.

I’m glad for the flight through the storms over England and into Scotland, and by the time we get to Starlight City, or where it should be shining bright in the highlands, it’s midnight.

It’s dark and endless, like there isn’t any light left. I drained it away.

The storm has gone, and so has the rain as we head through the broken wards that barely even flutter as more than an invisible shield to hide a dead city.

It might be very dark outside, but I can see the city perfectly well, and it’s worse than I imagined.

Half of the city looks like a grey cloud has painted it and ruined it with one stroke.

The other half is still standing, some lights flickering in the night, but it’s different.

Starlight was alive and bright against the darkness, no matter what.

Severi warned me it was going to fall, because he knew of his father’s plans to bring it down, and he tried to warn me that there wouldn’t be much of Starlight left.

He was right, even though I hoped to save it. I didn’t save the city, I doomed it.

Onyx’s hands clench and he goes pale as I look at him, sensing something wrong.

I reach over, touching his arm, and he turns to me, nods once and turns back.

He’s still tense, and I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of what happened to him here.

Why I can’t feel his Nexus anymore. There is too much to be done, and I don’t have time to slow it all down.

We land just on the outskirts, by the academy, in the huge empty fields.

The guards file out of the helicopter before Aleksander pulls our door open and climbs out.

He lifts me down and I turn to face the academy, the gothic masterpiece standing on the cliff.

My home. It’s silent, the rangers gone now, and it still stands.

I want to go and see my room, see if it is still there with all my clothes and things I love.

I don’t think anyone’s in there, even though it hasn’t been touched by my grey death magic.

The grey magic seems to have left an actual mark on all the rest of the buildings in the city, and it’s like an arrow shot down the middle.

I actually turned them grey against the night.

I look at the stars, hoping they’ll give me strength for what’s to come, and I touch the small box in my inner pocket.

My mother said to open it when there was no hope, and tonight feels like there is no hope.

I know there might be nothing in the box, but even holding it feels like my mother is with me.