Page 43 of Mending Fate
Not even a hint of a smile.
“Eoin came to see me,” I continued. “He told me why you’d wanted to talk to him.”
She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache. “I wish he hadn’t done that, but I can’t say I’m really surprised. I hadn’t told him to keep it from you because I honestly didn’t think you’d care.”
I winced. “I deserve that. I’ve been completely self-absorbed, deciding that my problems were more important than anyone else’s. That my priorities were the only right ones.”
“Evanne should be your first priority,” Lumen said quietly. “I never meant for you to put anyone else ahead of her. I care about her a great deal.”
“I know, and if I’d bothered to truly listen to you, I would have acknowledged it then. I had tunnel vision and refused to accept that anything or anyone could be more important than what I wanted.” I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees. “I am truly and sincerely sorry.”
She took a long draught of her beer before looking at me. “Thank you. And I’m sorry that I didn’t help matters much by responding the way I did. Just like I can’t know what it’s like to be a parent, I shouldn’t have expected you to understand my urgency about finding Soleil.”
Without knowing it, Lumen had just led into the next apology I needed to make.
“What I said about family…I can’t even tell you how sorry I am. It was wrong of me to lash out like that.” With a deep breath, I let down the walls I always kept in place. She needed to know this wasn’t simply lip service. “I have family baggage – not even close to what you’ve been through – but it affects me more than I care to admit.”
She set down her half-empty bottle and turned toward me, her expression wary. The fact that she had yet to demand I leave gave me hope that what had broken between us wasn’t beyond repair.
“I love my family, and I ken well how fortunate I am, but losing my mother when I did, then the Carideo family joining with ours and our move to America, it left its mark. I’ve never wanted to talk about it. Not then and not since then.” I had made a decision on my way over here, and I would keep it no matter what happened between Lumen and me, but I hoped it would show her how serious I was about changing. “First thing tomorrow, I’ll be finding a therapist. I cannae be the father Evanne deserves if I haven’t worked through my own issues.”
A small smile curved Lumen’s lips. “I’m glad to hear that.”
Encouraged, I took a deep breath. “I want to be better for my daughter, but I also want to be better for you. I’ve fallen in love with you, lass, and I ken you deserve so much more than I have to offer, but I am willing to give you all I have. I cannae promise I’ll never do something wrong again, but I can promise that I will work every day at becoming the man both you and Evanne deserve.”
“You’re in love with me?” Lumen’s expression was unreadable, but her entire body had gone stiff.
“Aye, lass.” I reached out and took her hand, holding it loosely enough that she could pull away if she wanted. “I love you, and I will do whatever you need me to do to make up for how I’ve acted these last few days. Give me a chance, please.”
And then I stopped talking. It was all in her hands now. Whatever she decided, I would honor, even if it broke my heart.
I had always thought I was someone who didn’t need love or even want it, but I saw now that way of thinking was only another shield I’d put into place to protect myself. How could I know what I was missing if I’d never had it to start?
Now that I knew what it was like to be in love, I never wanted to be without it. Without her. I could only wait and pray that she felt the same way about me and was willing to try again.
Twenty-Five
Lumen
Alec wasin love with me.
More than that, he’d actually saidI love you. Some people might not make a distinction between the two, but I got the feeling that Alec wasn’t one of them. It hadn’t been some emotional outburst. For someone who was as particular as he was, I imagined he’d spent his time sitting in my hallway, carefully planning exactly what he wanted to say.
Which meant he’d not onlysaidthose three little words, but he’dwantedto say them. He’d thought them through.
That wasn’t the only thing he’d said that I was still processing. He was taking responsibility, acknowledging the root issues, and had a real plan in place to work on it. Therapy. Alec wouldn’t lie about something like that. The fact that he was going to talk to a professional was huge. Guys like him, they didn’t usually go for things like that.
I believed him about all of it. But that was only the first step. The next one was all on me. I had to decide if I was willing to risk my heart. And it would be a risk because it was love. I couldn’t deny it or pretend it wasn’t true. I loved him too.
And it was time for me to stop hiding.
I got up and moved over to where he was sitting. He tilted his head back so that he was looking up at me, the expression on his face so raw that it confirmed everything I was feeling.
“I want that second chance too.”
The relief on his face spoke volumes. I ran my fingers through his hair, and he leaned into my touch.
“I’m sorry for my part in what happened.” My fingertips traced along his cheekbone and then moved to his jaw, stubble rough against my skin. “We both know I have my own baggage about family. I’m better than I used to be, but with Soleil…” My voice caught in my throat. “It was just too much. I got overwhelmed. I know better, but what happened to her…” I wasn’t able to finish.