Page 18 of Matched (LSU #5)

C harlie’s hand wrapped around my nape, drawing me impossibly closer, his thigh slotting between mine. I was so fucking hard, and so was he. Even if he denied it, I could feel the evidence against my leg.

Our mouths connected again and again, kissing harder and deeper until his tongue was sliding against mine, and I couldn’t think of anything but him.

Nothing had ever been like this. Ever. I never wanted it to end.

But it did, as suddenly as it had begun.

Sophie .

I ripped my mouth away from Charlie’s, staggering backwards as I frantically rubbed my hand over my face.

“No. No, no, no,” I gasped, fumbling for the lock and pawing at the door. I managed to get outside, and I knew I was a coward, but I ran.

“What the fuck? Nate?”

I ran blindly past Jonas, who was curled up on the sofa with his girlfriend, yanking open my bedroom door and falling inside. Collapsing onto my bed face first, I punched my pillow, shouting into it.

When my anger at myself was temporarily abated, I twisted my head to the side, staring at the wall. To my horror, I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. Why? Why had I— Why had any of that happened?

A throat cleared from somewhere behind me, and the mattress dipped. Swallowing hard, I attempted to compose myself, but it was a lost cause.

“Nate? Are you okay?”

“Where—” My voice was far too hoarse. Clearing my throat, I tried again. “Where’s Jada?”

“Gone back to her place. Mate, talk to me. What’s up?”

“It’s nothing.”

“That’s not true.”

He wouldn’t let it go, I knew. With a sigh, I rolled over and pulled myself upright, leaning my back against the wall. Staring down at my hands, I let the words fall from my lips. “I fucked up. Badly.”

Jonas shuffled closer, moving to sit next to me with his legs stretched out across my bed. His arm was a solid presence against mine, grounding me. “Wanna talk about it?” he said softly.

“No. But…maybe if I do, you can make sense of it for me. Because I don’t… Fuck, I don’t even know where to start.”

He patted my thigh once. “I know it’s a cliche to say this, and you know how much I hate cliches, but the beginning is usually a good place.”

The beginning. Okay. “Uh…I guess it started with your app.”

There was a sharp intake of breath from next to me, followed by a pained sound. My head whipped around to see my housemate eyeing me with what looked like guilt. Guilt?

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “You know how I met Charlie that night, and then the same thing happened again. It was like…I dunno, we clicked instantly.”

I gave him a condensed rundown of my interactions with Charlie. He already knew about the dates, including the one in Hyde Park, but as far as he was concerned, everything had been two new friends hanging out. Now, everything spilled out of me, including the kiss.

The kiss that even now, I couldn’t stop replaying over and over.

“I tried so hard to convince myself that I was okay with Sophie and Charlie being together. And now this has happened, and I feel so fucking guilty. Even more guilty than I already felt. And then I acted like a complete fucking coward, running away from my problems instead of facing them. I’m supposed to have my shit together by now, and I don’t—I don’t know what to do.

” My voice cracked, and I scrubbed my hand over my jaw, exhaling heavily.

“Sorry. It’s just so fucking…I don’t know.

Everything is so fucked up. How could I do that to my sister?

And Charlie…I-I just left him there. Just fucking ran from him.

And he’s a man, and I don’t—I’m straight? ” It came out as a question.

“Take a breath.” Jonas patted my thigh again. “Let’s look at this logically, and I’m sure you’ll see it’s not as bad as you’re making out.” He grimaced. “I guess I should confess my part in this.”

“What?” I stared at him.

“Yeah…please don’t do anything rash, but that second time you were matched with Charlie…I might’ve engineered it.”

“You what ?”

“I’m sorry. I know it was an abuse of your trust, not to mention unethical.

I could’ve been kicked off my course if my lecturer found out.

But I just— When you came back from that first date, you were so happy.

Happier than I’ve seen you in a long time.

Not that you’re normally sad or anything, but you were really, really happy.

And you talked about Charlie for like, an hour straight, and you don’t even do that with the girls you fancy, so I thought maybe there was something there. ”

My mouth opened and closed, but I had no words. Jonas seemed to sense I was struggling, and with a heavy sigh, he continued.

“So I decided to play Cupid for your second match, and when I saw you again after that date, you were exactly the same. Uh…after you got over your hangover. Really happy, talking about Charlie, acting like you do when you have a crush on someone.”

“Crush,” I spat. “It wasn’t a fucking crush. Who even says crush?”

Jonas ignored my comments. “I get that you feel guilty about Sophie. But do you—” He paused, licking his lips. “—do you think part of this is you freaking out because you think you’re straight?”

“What do you mean, I think I’m straight? I am straight.”

“I hate to break it to you, mate, but straight men don’t go around kissing other men as a general rule.”

There was silence as I processed his words.

“Okay, maybe I’m not one hundred percent straight.

I… Fucking hell, this is hard to talk about.

” I banged my head back against the wall, letting my eyes close while Jonas waited patiently next to me.

I couldn’t imagine even having this conversation with any of my other friends, but this was Jonas.

My best mate, who I knew wouldn’t judge me.

“When I was younger, I noticed boys sometimes. Uh. I started a new school when I was thirteen when we moved house, and I wanted to fit in. It’s probably stupid, looking back on it.

I dunno. My friends probably wouldn’t have cared.

Or maybe they would have. I just wanted to fit in, and it was easier to just ignore that part of me.

I liked plenty of girls, and I guess I suppressed the part of me that liked boys, too.

At the time, I wanted to be a professional footballer, and there were no out players in the Premier League, and I dunno, there’s a lot of homophobia in football. ”

“Mate.” Jonas squeezed my shoulder. When I opened my eyes, I found his gaze full of empathy.

“I get it. It’s really fucking sad, but I get it.

This world is shit, sometimes.” He shook his head, huffing out a soft laugh.

“Honestly, I never had any inkling you were anything other than straight until you came back from that first date with Charlie. It surprised me, but I want you to know I don’t have any problems with who you wanna be with. ”

“Thanks. I guess I got so used to suppressing that part of me, not even letting myself look at other boys, that it was just…easier to convince myself I was straight. That’s another thing I feel guilty about, too.

I shouldn’t— It’s not like it’s something I should be ashamed of.

I should have fucking owned it.” Oh, fuck, my vision was blurring again.

Swiping my hand across my eyes, I sucked in a shuddering breath.

“I shouldn’t be having a fucking sexuality crisis at twenty-one. ”

“Everyone processes things differently. I don’t think age matters.

Take me, for example. Did you know that I’ve lived for twenty-one years thinking I hated olives?

Then last weekend, Jada’s gran put some in the pasta she was serving, and guess what?

I accidentally ate one and realised I liked them. Twenty-one years. Twenty. One. Years.”

Despite everything, I laughed. And that was why Jonas was my best friend. He always knew what to say to make it better. “I don’t think this situation is quite the same as you learning you like olives.”

He grinned at me. “I know it’s not, but my point still stands. Now we’ve established that you do, indeed, fancy Charlie, what are you gonna do?”

Shaking my head, I sighed. “Try to forget about it. Apologise to him. I owe him that much, at least.”

“You’re really going to forget about it?”

“What else am I supposed to do? I dragged him into the toilets. He said he felt guilty for thinking of me when he was kissing her. He kissed my sister, Jonas. She really likes him. They’ve been on a proper fucking date, not even one that was engineered by you.

I haven’t forgotten that little revelation, by the way. ”

“I am honestly sorry about that. I thought it would be good for you. If I’d known what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it.”

“I know.” Letting my eyes fall closed again, I sighed. “You haven’t managed to program a time machine, have you?”

“Sorry, no. Not yet.”

“Okay. In that case, I guess…I need to apologise to Charlie for getting him into that situation and for running away instead of facing up to my problems. Then I need to forget about him. It’s not like…

Even if there was a magical situation where my sister wasn’t involved, and it turned out he was somehow into me, I wouldn’t want to start anything up with him. I’ll be gone soon.”

I opened my eyes to see Jonas giving me a sad smile. “One day, you’ll find someone that makes you want to stay.”

“Maybe one day.” Stretching out my legs, I nodded in the direction of the doorway. “Since I cut your evening with your girlfriend short, why don’t I treat you to pizza?”

“I’ll never say no to pizza.”

“Want me to order one with olives?”

Jonas laughed. “Nah, I’m good. I like them now, but not that much.” Clambering off my bed, he glanced down at me. “Didn’t you eat earlier? On your date?”

“The date that lasted all of half an hour because I couldn’t stop thinking about Charlie and how fucking jealous I was of my own sister? Funnily enough, food wasn’t on my mind.”

“Ah. Yeah. Okay. In that case, we’ll get two—no, three pizzas.”

“Deal.” Swinging my legs off the edge of my bed, I stood. “Jonas?”

“Yeah?”

“Did I really act that happy after my dates with Charlie?”

He nodded, giving me another sad smile. “Yeah. You really, really did.”