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thirty-three

I can’t stop pacing. It started as a slight tapping of my feet as I sat at the dining table, waiting for Ryan to come home. The spaghetti I made us grew cold, coagulated into a single lump of pasta with tepid stewed sauce.

I messaged him several times. There was no reply, which made me nauseated enough that I couldn’t eat. All my calls went straight to voicemail.

That’s when my legs wouldn’t quit shaking, so I got up and started walking while calling people who may know where he is. Amelia gave me his brother’s number, but he’s last on my list to contact.

I text him first, just so that he won’t freak out about an unknown number.

Me

Hi. This is Pippi. I was looking for Ryan.

The second after I hit send, the phone rings in my hand, and I jump. It’s Aiden.

“H-hello?” I ask.

“When did you last see him?” a gruff voice asks. He sounds intense, like he’s walking at a rapid pace.

“Um, earlier this afternoon. He went to get a tattoo.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know, actually.”

The silence on the other end makes me dizzy with fear.

What if something happened to him?

No, Pippi. Focus. He’ll come back in with a big smile on his face .

When he speaks, Aiden’s voice changes from terrifying robot to warm commander. “Listen to me. I need you to stay right where you are. I’m sending someone over.”

“S-should I ask my brother to come over?”

“No. Not until I understand what’s happening.” There’s a mumbled word with someone in the room with him before he returns. “And I want you to call Amelia Joseph to come over, too.”

“For all night?”

“You’ll have someone there tonight.”

I open my mouth to ask who it is, but he ends the call.

My finger shakes as I hit the number for Amelia, who readily agrees to come over. Then, I call Adal, since Oz seemed to blow me off earlier.

Instead of answering my call, he texts me back.

Adal

Sup Pip?

Me

Ryan is missing and I’m worried.

Adal

Sorry to hear that. You sure he’s not with someone else?

What kind of question is that? With my lips tight in a line, I text him back.

Me

Why would you say that?

Adal

Call Mom if you’re scared.

I stare at his text for a long time, trying to decipher what he means. My family isn’t one to express emotions. I guess he’s put out with me. Maybe he’s with a new girl and doesn’t want to deal with it.

A loud knock sounds at the door, and I fumble the phone, dropping it onto the sofa.

Several voices argue on the other side, and I hold my breath to listen. The noise is muffled by the thick brick walls. Through the peephole, I spot three big men—two, I recognize from Red Night, and the third is Henry, Ryan’s youngest brother.

When I open the door, the large man and the shorter, both with blond hair, stroll inside and scope it out with a muttered greeting. Henry rushes me like he’s playing football, lifting me into his arms and spinning me around.

“Hey, sis! What’s good!”

He sets me on the ground and places his hands on his hips.

“Your brother is missing,” I manage to say while choking back tears.

“Yeah, Aiden said that. We’re here to babysit you. Don’t worry, we’re all packing.” With a quick flourish, he shows off a gun tucked into his belt.

A glass crashes onto the floor in the kitchen, and Henry tosses his head back and laughs as I hurry over to see what the commotion was. The curly-haired guy with deep dimples, that make him look as if he’s twelve, squats in front of the fridge, where he’s dropped a bottle of beer.

“Sorry. I’ll restock it,” he says sheepishly.

The Titan of a man stands with his arms crossed, leaning against the counter while staring out the large window.

“Oh, that’s okay… I’m Pippi, by the way.”

“Yeah, we know.” The cute kid in front of me stands and places a cold beer in my hand, then smiles like a summer day as his light green eyes twinkle. “I’m Will, but close friends call me Duke. I’m Amelia’s little brother.”

Henry appears over my shoulder and steals another beer, then tosses one to the big guy. “That’s Bo. He only talks if it’s necessary.”

My head tilts with recognition. “Bo…” I approach, and he gazes down at me from his giant stature. “You told me where the bathroom was on Red Night.”

He freezes. The only way I know he’s alive is that his chest expands with his sharp inhale.

“You told me the wrong place to go.”

“Under orders,” he replies in a deep baritone.

“I’m home!” a bright, sing-song voice calls out as Amelia steps into the apartment. “For someone who needs second-rate protection, you should lock your door.”

“I’m not second-rate!” Henry yells as he downs a beer.

Duke wanders toward the sofa, plops down, and puts on a video game while tossing his feet up on the end of it. “Hey.”

“These kids are underage, Pippi. Not only that, but why are they drinking, when you’re supposed to be watching her, you fuck! ” She picks up a throw pillow and hits her brother with it.

“I’m watching her,” Henry says, but it’s muted with the volume of the TV and the bustling activity as Amelia sets out dishes of takeout food on the dining room table, chatting away happily about something that happened to her last night.

My mind is all over the place, heart racing from the noise and movements.

But the stone statue standing at my window is unfazed. I wish I could grab some of his serenity.

Throughout the evening, even with gossip to distract me, I gnaw on my lower lip, unable to focus on anything or enjoy myself.

It’s apparent that no one ever really pays attention to Henry, but he tries so hard to get it. I guess with two older superstar brothers, he has to make a show for anyone to see him.

Amelia and Duke bicker the entire time. About everything. Duke is an even bigger charmer than his sister, so he weasels his way out of the spats with a smooth line here or there.

By the time Amelia says she needs to head back to Sigma , I’m exhausted and begging her to take the boys with her.

“Can’t do that,” Henry says, but Duke agrees to leave with silent Bo, who did not, in fact, speak one word the entire evening.

Once the two Josephs and Bo leave, I awkwardly glance around the wide-open studio apartment. Ryan probably wouldn’t like Henry seeing me in my pajamas, I’m assuming. Where is he going to sleep?

All the lightheartedness leaves his countenance as soon as the door shuts behind the visitors. He slumps on the couch and takes off his jeans, then eyes the blanket at the end of the bed. “Can I use that tonight? I’ll just stay on the sofa. You won’t even know I’m here.”

“Sure.”

I grab it for him and a pillow, too. When I hand them over, he looks a bit downtrodden. His normally chipper and cute face has fallen as he situates himself under the covers.

“Are you worried about Ryan?” I ask.

His crystal-blue eyes glance up at me. “Yeah. Aren’t you?”

I nod, swallowing roughly. “Yes, I am.”

“I have to protect you. He would kill me if something happened to you.”

For the first time in hours, I feel more at ease. I think Henry can understand me.

“Should we tell your parents?”

“No. Let Aiden handle it. He’s good at that stuff. But I’ll shoot someone if they come up here.”

He sets his gun on his lap and tucks the pillow under his neck, looking so much like a young Ryan that my heart aches. This kid has never hurt anyone, I can tell. Yet he’s willing to do what it takes to protect me because of his love for his brother. They’re a close-knit family, just like mine.

“I’ll be in the bed over there.”

“Okay.”

The room is dark and strange when I turn off the light. Normal nights lately, I’m snuggled up with Ryan, who should be here next to me. It feels like I’m in the wrong place without him here.

A tiny voice cuts through the still atmosphere. “Pippi?” Henry asks.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for loving my brother.”

Tears heat my eyes. If something happened to him. If…

Words were never exchanged. I’ve kept my emotions hidden, too afraid to share them for fear of getting rejected. Regret surges through me until my heart seizes with longing.

I never told him that I love him.

A sad smile comes over my face when I wake up in the morning.

My boyfriend’s younger brother is sprawled over the sofa, long legs in all directions, with his gun on the coffee table (where I placed it when I sneaked over in the middle of the night to make sure it was safe).

And he looks like his brother. His presence has been a comfort I didn’t know I needed until he showed up.

After I get ready and make oatmeal for the two of us, Henry becomes my little escort. We get dressed, and he walks me to my class on Monday morning—Criminology with Professor Hall.

“Don’t you have class?” I ask.

“Yep. I’ll be in English, but text me if you need anything.”

“Thanks for babysitting last night, Henry,” I say, despite feeling like I babysat him just as much as he did me.

“Thank Aiden.”

“Did he find out anything?”

Henry checks his phone again. “No.”

We both catch gazes and hold them, worry passing between us that neither wants to admit. “We’ll find him,” I say.

He only nods, then turns toward center campus and strolls away.

Page Hall is filled with students talking loudly about Terror Tuesday coming up tomorrow. Normally, I would be excited, probably discussing how I could earn back some points for Sigma , but now, I’m distraught. Halloween escape rooms on Theta grounds just don’t appeal to me.

Mitch still isn’t in the auditorium when I enter, and I silently add him to the list of people around me that have disappeared. Every time I think of Gwen, my stomach twists into an unbreakable knot.

Will I find Ryan’s face on our door?

The thought makes me so lightheaded with fear, I sink into the nearest seat before I collapse.

The professor enters in a huff, her eyes immediately trailing to me and narrowing behind her thick, black-rimmed glasses that she usually discards during class. She calls the room to attention by tossing her leather bag on the table. Everyone straightens up.

With a little wave in front of her, her palms open to demonstrate her first point.

“Mid-term grades are now posted.” She leans against the table in the front and finds me again, then raises her voice.

“Miss Freidenberg, if you wish to stay in this class, you need to come to my office hours directly after.”

The blood stops moving in my arteries as she calls me out. Students shift in their seats to look at me, gauging my reaction. I’m sure my red cheeks are enough to give them all a good show.

As Professor Hall starts the lesson, I slyly open my laptop and find my exam score online. My breath catches in my chest.

Another zero.

What is going on ?

It’s torturous, but I manage to sit still through the rest of class, focusing on the board behind Professor Hall so I don’t have to look at her.

As soon as it’s over, she gives us her back, and I slowly gather my things, stuffing them in my bag. With every step down toward the front of the room, my heart beats harder. I think I can even smell my own fear.

I clear my throat when I reach the bottom. Spinning around, she tosses her shorter light brown hair back over her shoulders to behold me. “Ah, Miss Freidenberg. Let’s go.”

I’m trapped into following, though I think about making a run for it and sprinting away. If she says something nasty, I may be tempted to hurt her, and then I’d get kicked out, or worse. So I have to restrain myself.

It’s a silent walk to her office, an oak-covered room that smells of dust and pretension.

Without removing her eyes from me, she slides into a leather tufted office chair while I take the stiff seat across the desk, holding on to my book bag like it’s armor.

She stares at me for so long, I wonder when she’ll speak, but she never does.

The tension in the room grows to an enormous entity, the trunk of the elephant blaring a silent noise between us.

“I guess you want me to speak first. Well, I, um, I’m not sure why I failed the quiz and the exam.”

“Perhaps your boyfriend has been a distraction to you, though I noticed he seems to have disappeared from class,” she snaps at me like the answer was already prepared.

My eyebrow twitches. She doesn’t mean Ryan. Does she mean… “Mitch?”

“Yes. Mitch McCloud. How does it feel to lose everything? I heard you lost on Massacre Monday, now your boyfriend and grades… But I suppose you still have a few things hanging on by a thread.”

“I’m lost. Mitch isn’t my boyfriend, and why try to be cruel? Why is this any of your business?”

The leather of her chair squeaks as she leans back and places the tips of her fingers together in a triangle shape. “Oh.” A fake laugh escapes her. “You’re as self-involved as I suspected.”

“You don’t know me.”

“You’re right. And I don’t particularly care to.” She sneers as she snaps forward. “Take my advice and drop this class. In fact, you should probably just drop all your classes.”

“Is that a threat?” My pulse pounds in my arteries, preparing for a fight.

Her mauve lips form a solid line. She’s quiet for at least a full minute before she speaks again. “No. You are the one, Miss Freidenberg, who is failing. I’d be very careful about continuing if you wish to pass Criminology.”

“But I need it for my major.”

“That’s a shame.”

I stand up before I unleash on her, my fury a force rising from my gut until it’s ready to erupt. “Did you fail me on purpose? Because you don’t like me?”

“Are you accusing your professor of misconduct?”

“Yes.”

She crosses her arms with finality. “No. And I have your scores to prove it.”

Balling up my fists, I struggling to prevent myself from hitting her. My nostrils flare as I take a deep inhale through my nose, then spin on my heel and head out the door, ready to run to the registrar to drop the class. But I can’t yet.

Not until I find Ryan.