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FOURTEEN

Sinner - Of Virtue

9 YEARS OLD

My dad drives us back from church, and the car is silent. I’m exhausted. The service is boring, and the fellowship after is even longer. Even the donuts that I dart downstairs to inhale don’t keep me bribed for long. Mom likes to spend forever talking.

I don’t know why they like talking so much. It’s so boring .

But powdered donuts are life, so at least there’s that. Mom doesn’t let us have them at home. They’re Ember’s favorite too, and despite the fact she’s blind, she often beats me to the damn table.

“What was that about?” Ember asks. “Before children’s church.”

I frown and look out the window as we drive. They had some sort of big thing about a guy coming back to church today. Saying something about him coming back from his sins.

“God healed him, honey. Isn’t that amazing?” Mom’s voice is excited, and she leans back to watch us with her intense eyes.

I immediately look out the window. I’m not sure what Mom wants when she gets like this. Probably to remind me of how bad I am. I got whooped a few times this week because I didn’t remember how to do my math, and that made me angry. The shame makes my cheeks heat.

“What was wrong with him?” Ember asks, and I can practically hear my mom eating it up. I want to reach over there and punch Ember to get her to shut up.

“He was living in sin,” Dad says cryptically.

Ember sighs, and it’s dramatic. “ What sin, Dad?”

Dad grunts, but Mom jumps in, “He was a faggot, dear.”

The car goes silent like my mom just dropped a bomb. Then, Ember’s voice pipes up, “What’s a faggot?”

Dad steps in. “It means he was gay.”

“What’s gay?”

My cheeks heat. I think being gay is something bad. My parents always act like it’s something bad, and they get all stiff. I glare at Ember for asking. Not that she can see, but I know she can tell. Everyone just lets her be nosey. She can get away with anything. I know Dad would have yelled at me by now.

“Honey,” Mom sighs. “I’ll tell you when you’re older. But it’s a sin.”

Ember crosses her arms with a huff. She’s two years younger than me and thinks she gets to know all the things I know. Mom and Dad didn’t tell me what being gay was, but I found out. It’s when two guys touch penises.

“Why can’t I know? I’m old enough.”

There’s silence for a long while, which Mom fills with a sigh, “Marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman. Anything else is unnatural and wrong.”

“So if he left, where was he?” Ember asks.

I frown, then kick back at Ember. One of these days, Ember needs to learn to read a room. Ember crinkles her nose at me, the powdered donut evidence lightly dusted on her right cheek. “Stop.”

“Make me,” I hiss back at her.

Dad sounds tired. “We don’t allow people living in sin to come to church. Not until they’ve repented. Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

I’ve heard that a lot.

Mom takes over the conversation, asking Ember about Sunday School. She asks about the boy who’s been sitting next to her and Ember sniffs. Ember hates the little boys who follow her around. I used to try to protect her, but ever since she kicked the one kid in the privates and made him cry, I prefer to watch. Nothing like watching them get humbled by a tiny blind girl in pigtails.

Mom doesn’t ask me much about my Sunday School. I know it’s because I’m a bad kid, and I don’t enjoy giving the answers like Ember does. Ember always tries to help me, too. It’s the worst. But I’m not a bad kid. I’m just bored. I know all of these things. Mom teaches them at school.

Well, she teaches everything except being gay. Why would anyone want to touch penises? I shudder, thinking about the man coming back to church. Thinking about what he did.

I’ll be a good boy. I’ll make my parents proud. I’ll never be gay. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll realize I’ve been paying attention. Maybe they’ll say I wasn’t such a bad kid after all. Maybe they won’t stop loving me.