Page 23 of Make Me Scream (Visceral #2)

PERIS

“Please—and I mean this with every bone in my body—tell me I did not just see what I think I just saw.”

I freeze the moment the door latches shut behind me.

“Uh.”

“Peris Oliver Baxter.”

“Shit, not the full name,” I groan, dropping my head back. It hits the door with a dull thud.

“Yes, the full fucking name. What the hell was that? You kissed him? ”

Well, there’s no point in denying it anymore… I mean, she saw it plain as day. I didn’t exactly intend for it to go down like that, but I couldn’t not. With his sad puppy dog eyes and knowing he was leaving me…

“Yeah, Ma.” I sigh loudly. “I did.”

“Why?!” she screeches, and I wince, gripping the back of my neck until my muscles throb from the pain.

“I’m pretty sure you don’t want to have this conversation standing in the entryway.”

She pales considerably. “Oh, Jesus. Ohhh, Jesus… ”

“Ma—”

“Don’t.” She holds up her hand, cutting me off. Her face is white as a sheet, her eyes wide and unseeing as she stumbles into the living room and drops down onto the couch. She reaches for one of the couch pillows and hugs it to her middle, like she needs something to keep her insides in.

Guilt gnaws at me, radiating outward with a heat so intense, it makes my face flush. I take a seat on the very edge of the furthest cushion, staying in Ma’s line of sight but as far away from her as I can.

When she glances briefly over at me and I notice the welling in her eyes… I nearly choke on my shame.

Fuck… what did I do?

“Mom, I…”

“Peris, I don’t understand.”

“I don’t know how to explain this to you,” I tell her truthfully. My fingers find my hair, and I yank, feeling strands rip from my scalp and fall to the floor between my feet.

“It seems pretty self-explanatory to me. You were kissing him—and that wasn’t the first time,” she says, looking me directly in the eyes.

I glance away, unable to meet her gaze for more than a few seconds.

The discomfort is too much to handle—knowing I’ve let her down again.

Knowing I’ve kept something from her… again.

“Peris… I thought we promised we wouldn’t?—”

“Don’t,” I snap, hating the venom in the word but unable to keep it out. I know what she’s talking about, and I refuse.

“You don’t get to talk to me like that after what you’ve done,” she retorts just as quickly.

“You promised, ” I hiss, fingers curling into my palms until my nails bite in so deeply, they cut into the skin.

“And so did you!”

Damnit. I nearly choke on the tears that threaten to spill over.

She’s right.

Silence descends upon us, poignant and destructive.

I tear at the skin around my nails until they bleed, and then, I pick some more.

I hear Ma’s long inhales and shorter exhales as she works on her breathing techniques that we learned in therapy—which was a crock of shit in my opinion, but it seemed to work for her.

After what feels like a long time, I finally ask, “What do you want me to say?”

Her breaths stutter. She clasps her hands and straightens her spine. “I would like the truth.”

I laugh loudly. That’ll never fucking happen. “You sure you want that?”

“Yes, Peris,” she snaps. “I wouldn’t ask if I was not sure.”

“All right, damn,” I mutter. A few beats of my heart pass.

“Well?”

“I’m trying to think!”

“About what? The lies you want to tell me? You are so grounded for the rest of your damn life.”

I grit my teeth, brows furrowed. “That’s not fucking fair.”

She sighs softly and bows her head before reaching out toward me. I take her hand hesitantly, and she wraps our fingers together. “You’re right. It’s not, and I’m sorry. I’m just so overwhelmed and confused. But that is not an excuse.”

“Thank you,” I mutter.

“Tell me whenever you’re ready. I’m here for you.”

Those words wash over me, Ma’s warmth and understanding exactly what I needed to hear. But there’s only one problem—Ma can’t know half of it. Or the majority of it.

She can only know a small part of my… particular feelings for Abel. And I’ve gotta make it fucking believable.

“I’ve known Abel since he started at Ardent. He’s always been a bit of a brat?—”

“A bit?” she interrupts with a smirk, which I return.

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “Anyway, we didn’t get along for the longest time, but then, everything happened with you two, and he moved in.

Again, we still didn’t like one another at that point.

” Saying that makes me laugh, and I reach up to run my fingers through my hair, dropping my head back between my shoulders as my body shakes with the force of it.

“You know, I’m not even sure we like each other much, even now. He’s a bit of a bitch, but… I don’t know, he drives me fucking crazy, Ma. Everything about him makes my skin crawl and my blood sing. I just want to crack open his ribs, crawl inside him, and die there.”

I flush as the words leave my lips, having said much more than I intended to. Ma’s mouth pinches, concern marring her face as she takes my words in.

“That’s… intense, Peris,” she says slowly, like she’s saying her words carefully.

I scoff and drop back against the sofa with an umph. “Fucking tell me about it.”

After a lull in the conversation, neither of us knowing how to continue, she says, “How long has it been going on?”

“Since he moved in,” I mutter.

“Peris!” she screeches.

I wince again. “I know, okay? I know. But have you ever just…” I trail off, struggling to put into words what exactly it is I mean.

Ma reaches out and squeezes my fingers, her face soft, despite the pain etched in every crease and wrinkle. It makes every muscle in my chest squeeze, and my heart races.

“I know, Peris. But that doesn’t make this okay. This is… this is wrong.”

“Wrong,” I deadpan, heart clenching at that word. I pull my hand away from Mom and cross my arms over my chest. Her features twist in confusion before realization settles in.

“Oh, no, Peris! Not because of that. Never because you might be gay, or bi… or whatever it is you choose to identify as, okay? You know that, right?” Ma’s voice rises the longer she talks, getting closer and closer to panic.

Her face flushes, and she wrings her fingers together, the third one on her left hand bare since the day she found out what he did to me.

“Okay,” I manage to choke out, not able to say much more than that.

I want to reassure her, to tell her I know she means well, and I know she didn’t mean it like that, but Luke’s voice is running rampant in my mind, whispering his dirty words and filthy thoughts, and I’m starting to feel a bit sick from it all.

“Peris… tell me what’s going through your mind right now,” Ma pleads.

“Luke,” I manage to choke, and she gasps out a cry and lunges toward me. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and yanks me into her, holding me as close and as tight as possible.

We fall to our knees on the floor, and Mom drags me into her lap, even though I’m much bigger and much taller than she is. “Ma…” I stammer.

“Hush, babe. Just let me be your mom right now.” And I do. She rubs her hand over my head and down my back, over and over until my skin starts to feel a little numb from the continuous pressure.

The tears burning my eyes eventually slow into a gradual nothingness as I drop my head against Ma’s shoulder and just breathe her in—she always smells faintly like the hospital and apples. Medicinal and homely.

I forgot how nice this was, just being held by Mom. It hasn’t happened since she found out about Luke—and the fact that it takes her finding out about Abel and me for it to happen again says something…

And I’m not sure it’s a good thing.

“Can I ask you a question, Peris?” she says after a long time.

“Hmm?” I mutter against her shoulder.

“Are you gay? Is that… is that okay for me to ask?” She sounds hesitant—with good reason because even though it’s a genuine and honest question, I still feel every muscle in my body tense up.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” I tell her honestly, hating the shame eating me alive. I start to pull away.

“Is it because of him?” Her question rocks me to my core.

I pull in a shaky breath. “Yeah.”

“I hate him,” she says bluntly.

“Me, too, Ma. Me fucking too.” I stand on trembling legs, more than ready to end the conversation but knowing it’s nowhere near its demise.

“It’s not going to be like this forever, Peris.”

“Mom, even his death isn’t enough to eradicate his stain on me.”

“You’re not stained, Peris,” she tries to argue, but I laugh. I try not to, but it comes spilling out of me. My back is to my mother, so I don’t have to look her in the face.

“He made me this way—that much is obvious, whether that makes me… gay or whatever… I don’t want to think about it, and I sure as hell don’t want to talk about it.

Yeah, I kissed Abel. I’ve done it multiple times.

Again, I don’t want to talk about it, and that’s all you really need to know.

He’s not my foster brother anymore, so it doesn’t matter.

I can do whatever I want with him. Now, can we please be done with this conversation? ”

“Peris…”

“Please,” I beg, hands fisted at my sides. My chest is heaving, and I feel a fresh assault of tears I need to be alone for this time.

“Fine, yes. But I love you, okay?” She steps up behind me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. I know she’s on her tippy toes to reach, but she hugs me as tight as she can. “I love you so much. Nothing will ever change that.”

“I love you too, Ma.” And with that, I pull away and rush down the hall and into my room, slamming the door shut with a resounding bang, my heart and breath racing to an invisible finish line.

“Hey.” It makes my chest ache to see his face. He looks so fucking pathetic.

He squints his eyes at me, probably trying to make out my face in the darkness of my room, but I’m not turning on my light because I don’t want him to see my bloodshot, swollen eyes.

“I’m surprised you still have your phone,” he says lightly, and I chuckle.