Page 119 of Make-Believe Match

Xander was silent at first. “I get that. Being scared sucks. I used to think I wasn’t afraid of anything...then I met Kelly. Now I worry about her every damn minute of the day. But you know what?”

“What?”

“I wouldn’t trade it for being without her. When we’re apart, I fucking hate it.”

My eyes closed. “Right.”

A moment later, I heard Xander’s footsteps behind me. Felt his heavy hand on my shoulder. “Listen. Why don’t you take some time and think this over? Go out to California. See if it feels like home. See if being there inspires you.”

I didn’t want to go anywhere without Lexi. But maybe Xander was right. Maybe I needed some time for myself to re-evaluate what I wanted in life. What mattered the most. And I wanted to give Lexi the space she needed as well.

But I already missed her so much it hurt.

* * *

We gathered around the dining room table the next day, all nine of us—my dad, Austin, Veronica, the twins, Xander and Kelly, Dash, Mabel and me. I tried to be grateful for who was there and not think about who wasn’t, but it was hard. I’m pretty sure I ate and drank, but mostly I just felt numb. It seemed like everyone was giving me a wide berth, since no one asked me any direct questions about the divorce or mentioned Lexi’s name.

After dinner, Veronica and I did the dishes, since we hadn’t helped with any of the cooking. Standing side by side near the sink, I loaded the dishwasher while she hand-washed serving bowls and platters. She talked for a while about the dance studio she’d just opened—she’d been a professional dancer in New York City—and how happy she was to be teaching again, and I listened with half my brain while the other half wondered what Lexi was doing, if she’d cooked, how her Thanksgiving was going, if she was thinking about me.

“Hey. You okay?”

Yanked out of my thoughts by Veronica’s elbow in my side, I looked down at her. “Sorry. Yeah. I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

I placed a handful of forks in the dishwasher’s silverware rack. “I was thinking about Lexi.”

“Ah,” she said softly. “Where is she today?”

“At her grandmother’s, I think.”

“You don’t sound too happy about that.”

“I’m not.”

“Do you wish she was here?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

Veronica began drying a wineglass. “Does she know that?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Why not tell her?”

“She asked for space,” I said. “I’m trying to give it to her.”

Placing the glass on a towel, she picked up a second one. “So then it’s not final? The decision to split up?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I’m...I’m kind of fucked up over it.”

“Can I offer some completely unsolicited advice?”

I shrugged. “Sure.”

“Don’t let her go because you’re too stubborn to tell her how you feel. Withholding your feelings is different than respecting her space.”

“I’m not sure she would believe me if I confessed my true feelings,” I said.