Page 39 of Loving Trent (Love in the Bootheel #5)

Twenty-Four

TRENT

"That's so fucking hot," Shawn says before I shut him up for good by slamming my lips against his. Did I do it a little hard? Probably, but I don't care right now.

All evening, I've been battling that stupid beast inside that demands I tell Harley to go into her room while I pull Shawn to ours and ravish him.

Learning how his exes treated him last night was a reason for me to pump the brakes and take this slower.

Had I had any indication that he was scared of pushing me too far, I would have never calmed myself down while cleaning up for supper.

It was surprising when Shawn's touch didn't trigger any bad memories of Sandy and her hands on me.

But I won't look a gift horse in the mouth.

I won't overanalyze it either because that will just be putting more wins in her column, and she has enough.

She has taken enough from me and tainted me enough.

I fucking refuse to allow her to taint this.

To taint him. I finally opened up and told someone the one thing that I never allowed myself to admit until I was free of that fucking place.

Every single time Sandy touched me, I fantasized that it was Shawn. Back then, I hated that my mind always conjured him up, but once Maria got me to see that there was nothing wrong with being gay, I accepted it.

And now I have the real fucking deal in my hands. It's so much better than my fucking fantasy. That's for damn sure.

Shawn is a withering, moaning, and almost begging mess in my arms. I'm sure he has now pulled out a handful of my hair. But I don’t mind it one little bit.

“Why don't we take this somewhere more private and have that talk about limits?” Our chests brush against each other as we try to suck in lungfuls of air, and I swear if he just touches my dick, I'm going to shoot off like a teenager.

Shawn's eyes are glassy as he nods. Without putting him down, I stalk to the house, through the front door, and down the hall. Before I went to find Shawn and talk about the tension between us, Harley told me she was going to bed and reminded me that she slept with her radio on. Once we’re in the bedroom, with the door shut, I place Shawn on the edge of the bed and back up.

We definitely need space between us to have this talk.

Even though I'm sure we don't have to have this talk. Limits… with Shawn? What are those?

Shawn is still staring at me with those glassy, come fuck me eyes, and I'm about to rip through my jeans to get to him. “Okay, you were afraid of pushing me too far,” I say, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall. My hands are tightly clenched to keep myself from reaching out to touch him.

"Right," Shawn shakes his head and scoots back. "You glossed over what happened at that place, and I was?—”

Keeping it very clinical, I tell him what happened. "I was raped by a woman who may or may not have been a doctor. She performed oral sex on me and made me perform it on her. She would force me to have penetrating sex with her."

Shawn's muscles bunch up, and his jaw ticks. "When we find her, I'm going to enjoy watching her life drain out."

The darkness radiating off him only adds fuel to my lust and need for him. "Me too, Baby Boy."

"So, what do I need to know when touching you?"

Leaning up, I take a small step toward him. Grabbing my shirt at the base of my neck, I pull it over my head, leaving me in only my black tank. "Nothing, because when you touch me, I don't see, feel, or hear her."

Shawn's eyes trace over my arms and down my chest, and it feels like a physical caress, leaving behind nothing but a gut-wrenching need to feel his hands on me. "You said outside that that was the first orgasm you've had that didn't leave you feeling dirty."

I flick the button on my jeans and step out of them, stepping closer to him. "I've never been with anyone willingly. I've already told you this."

Shawn's eyes are glued to my dick, and I push him a step further.

I stroke from base to tip, giving it a harsh squeeze to starve off my orgasm.

But then his eyes drop down to my exposed thighs, and I freeze.

Like lightning, Shawn is off the bed and on his knees right in front of me. "What the fuck are these?"

"The one part of my body that I hate more than anything," I say. Automatically, my hands move to cover the scars, but Shawn stops me.

He places his hands over two of the worst burn scars.

"Don't hate them," he whispers before bending forward and placing a kiss on each scar.

My once flagging erection springs back with vigor as his mouth travels up my thighs.

"They prove that you went through something traumatic and came out the other side. "

With my throat tightening, I open myself and become vulnerable with the one person that I don't want to run away from me. "They…" I swallow and try again. Shawn looks up at me, and I know he sees the moisture in my eyes. "They aren't the only?—“

Just as quickly as he dropped to his knees, he’s standing in front of me, pulling my tank off.

I allow him, but I close my eyes. I'm letting the mask down.

I'm finally showing someone the real me.

The side that I've been hiding since I woke up in that hospital room.

I might have been able to talk to Maria about it and share my story more with others, but they don't know that inside I'm still that fucking broken thirteen-year-old.

"Are all of these from…"

Taking one of Shawn’s hands, I trace over the ones I gave myself. "All but these. I couldn't take it anymore, and I tried to take my own life. I busted a mirror and?—“

A hand comes over my mouth, and my eyes pop open. Tears are racing down Shawn's face. A face that is much closer to mine than I assumed he would be. "I don't want to hear about you trying to take your life. Not my angel."

I don't try to say anything as he removes his hand and pulls me toward the bed. He spins us around and pushes me, so I fall back onto the bed. "Shawn?—”

My words are stolen as he starts to undress.

Last night, he slept in pants and a shirt, so I couldn't see his glorious body.

I might have stalked him, but I drew the line at watching him get dressed or while he was in the shower.

I couldn't bring myself to do that to him.

There was no way I was taking that without his consent.

It's clear that Shawn works out and that he isn't one of those men who worry about body hair.

I want to lick the hair on his chest and follow it to where it disappears into his boxers.

Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to a lover. Who fucking knew I would get turned on by body hair? Not me, but oh well. I reach toward his dick, but he bats my hand away.

"While I would love to continue what we started, that's not going to happen.

While we were outside, I was thinking about how much I loved you taking control and how I felt safe with you.

Safe enough to be a mess, and don't get me wrong, I really fucking love it.

However, tonight, I'm going to be in control. Scoot back."

I don't hesitate for one second. I scoot my ass back, but never remove my eyes from Shawn.

He crawls onto the bed, pulls the cover back, and lies down.

"Last night, you held me while I broke down and told you all my fears.

Tonight, I'm going to hold you while you tell me all your fears. No hiding anything from me, Trent."

He raises his arm, and I move like my ass is on fire. I get under the cover and lay my whole body over his. Shawn’s body heat seeps into my soul, chasing away the cold that always comes when I think about my scars. "Tell me if I’m?—”

Shawn's hand comes down on my ass hard. The smack echoes in the quiet surrounding us.

"I will never once complain about your weight pressing me down.

" He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tighter.

I rub my cheek against his chest, and the beast inside settles.

For fucks sake, it sounds like it's purring like a cat.

"I don't think this is normal," I say. My lips brush his skin, and a tingle shoots down my spine. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep like this because my erection is not going anywhere.

"What's not normal?" Shawn starts running his fingers through my hair, and my muscles relax.

"Both of us, switching from being dominant or controlling to being submissive." The more he strokes my hair, the worse my thinking becomes. No one has ever done this for me. But I've never allowed myself to be this vulnerable with anyone.

"Even a dominant person needs someone to be there for them.

They can't always be in control. It's not healthy.

We have to allow ourselves the grace of not being okay for a short time.

Stop me when I say something wrong, but from the moment you were sent away, you have been in survival mode.

Once you left, you turned that survival mode into control mode.

You control everything from something as little as your emotions to big things. "

I nod, unable to speak around the lump in my throat.

Someone is seeing the real me for the first time in my life.

"You fear losing control because you have been judged and treated horribly.

But Trent," Shawn tilts my head so my chin rests on his chest. "Nothing you show me, tell me, or allow me to see will make me think less of you.

Right here, in my arms, is your safe place.

You can let down your walls, and I won't judge you, and I damn sure won't run away.

I want it all. I want your demons, sadness, happiness, and fears. "