Page 27 of Loving Trent (Love in the Bootheel #5)

Sixteen

TRENT

Unsafe.

The way Shawn’s voice broke, the fear in his eyes, the injuries to his beautiful face, and the way he folded in on himself make me want to get myself locked up just so I could kill those bastards.

That word wraps around my heart and squeezes uncomfortably.

Harley and I stayed the night here last night because the furniture I bought yesterday won’t be delivered until tomorrow.

I didn’t find out that Maria and Shawn were here until later.

Because I’m me and obsessed with this guy, I snuck into the room he was staying in after everyone else fell asleep.

It was clear that he was having a nightmare by the way he was moaning, groaning, and moving around restlessly.

I couldn’t stand seeing him that way, so I crawled into bed with him.

The moment I wrapped my arms around him, he calmed down.

I stopped breathing when he turned and buried his face into my chest. I was afraid Shawn was awake for a second, but his eyes stayed closed while he let out a sigh.

The sigh sounded like the weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders.

I lay there holding all of his weight until the sky started to lighten.

Then I crept from the room with a weight sitting in the middle of my chest. Seeing him look so broken has that weight returning to my chest, but even heavier.

“Why?” I ask, watching his throat as he swallows. My eyes slowly rise until I’m looking into Shawn’s deep green eyes. Eyes that are going to be my ruin.

Shawn closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and swallows again. I shouldn’t reach out and touch him, but I can’t help it. I hate seeing him like this. My hand slides over the top of his clenched fist, lying on his thigh. I expect him to pull away from me, but he doesn’t. “I misspoke. I’m fin?—”

I squeeze his hand, cutting off that damn lie.

I want him to feel comfortable enough that he never has to lie to me.

“Don’t do that. Don’t lie to me. You don’t have to hide the truth from me.

” Shawn’s eyes fly open, and so does his mouth.

“You don’t have to wear that mask around me.

I will never judge you, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone else judge you.

” I didn’t mean to let a little of the truth slip out there at the end, but it’s out there and I’m not taking it back.

Shawn flips his hand under mine until his clammy, cold palm is flat against mine, and our fingers are interlaced.

The beast inside me is purring like a damn kitten.

Shawn’s green eyes start to mist over as he turns away from me.

I understand why he is doing it because I hate for anyone to see me get emotional, but I don’t want him to hide from me.

Using my other hand, I cup his jaw and turn his face back toward me.

I stroke his cheek, his stubble scratching my palm, which makes my whole body tingle.

“Who are you?” His voice is barely a whisper, but I hear his question loud and clear.

“I’m nobody, but?—“

“Hey, Shawn…” Maria says, opening the door and interrupting us. Neither of us turns to look at her. “Oh… um, Boe’s on the phone. Something about needing you to go give a statement.”

“I'd better go talk to him,” Shawn says to me instead of Maria.

Neither of us moves for a second, and if I’m honest, I want to demand that Maria handle whatever is going on, but I can’t.

I need a moment to get control over my emotions and my body.

Even though everything inside me wants to lean forward and capture his fuller bottom lip between my teeth and kiss him deeply…

I can’t. There will be a right time, but it isn’t right now.

Plus, Maria isn’t going to go away any time soon.

She spent all day yesterday trying to get answers from me, but I successfully avoided her.

The energy rolling off her means that she isn’t going to let me go without her answers.

So reluctantly, I pull my hand from his face.

The second the cold air hits my palm, I curl my fingers in, trying to keep the feeling of his face there.

Shawn untangles our hands and stands up.

I turn to focus on the night sky instead of watching him walk away from me.

After the door shuts, I count to ten before Maria speaks. “Trent, what the fuck is going on?” She lowers herself beside me and leans into me. For the first time, it feels wrong, but that’s only because I don’t want the feel of her body to erase the feel of Shawn’s body.

“Would you let it drop if I told you it’s complicated?”

“No.”

A frustrated sigh slips out as I beg the stars to give me strength.

I knew it was a long shot, but it was worth a try.

While in the past I’ve never kept things from Maria, suddenly all of this feels precious.

Am I worried that she would think I’ve gone off the rails?

A little. But it’s so much more than that.

“Trent, talk to me.” Her pointy-ass chin digs into my bicep as she turns to look at me.

“You started this hunt for Tom and Sandy almost a year ago. Then, five months ago, you started ghosting me and Uncle Joey. All for you to show back up with a teenage girl and a fake ass story of being her cousin. Then I walk out here to see you moments away from kissing Shawn. Come on, things aren’t adding up, and we don’t keep secrets from each other. ”

“I’ll tell you all I can, but some of the answers aren’t my story to tell.” Defeat isn’t a feeling I like, but nonetheless, here it is, wrapping me in its cold embrace.

“Okay.”

“So almost a year ago, I got a letter in the mail,” I say, pulling out the crumpled-up piece of paper I’ve been carrying in my pocket.

There is a slight tremble in my hand as I hold it out for her to take.

This letter started it all, pulling my phone from my pocket, I turn on the flashlight so she can read the words that have haunted me.

Words that have inked themselves onto my very bones and forced me to become the person I am today.

Trent,

I’m not sure why I’m choosing to leave a goodbye letter to you…

Well, that’s not entirely the truth. Out of every single soul on the earth, only a handful of people know what I went through.

Thirty-five souls to be exact, but you are the only one I want to tell my story to because, without knowing it, you saved me.

But while you saved me, it was too late.

I’m not even sure if my parents will know how to get this letter to you or if they will even try once I’m gone, but maybe writing everything down will help me get through my last moments.

You probably won’t remember me, but I remember you.

We were sent to the same place… Hell, or as we know it, Camp Arrow.

The day you showed up, I had already been there two months.

I watched you from the window that first morning, and my heart broke for you, knowing what was about to happen.

I wanted to warn you, but was too afraid to speak up.

So, like I said, you won’t remember me, but we all remember you.

You’re a legend. No, that’s not right. You’re a hero to all of us.

The night that started the road to our freedom has never faded over time.

I’m not sure what woke me, but something did.

I sat in my bed, next to the window, listening to Tom and Sandy whisper outside the bunkhouse.

I heard them say your name, and for some reason, the darkness that had settled over me lifted.

After Tom and Sandy left, I fell back asleep with this voice inside my head telling me that change was coming, and it did. We all felt it. We whispered about it. We whispered about you. The boy that got away.

Then two days later, when we all woke up, everything was over. The adults were gone, and it was like the whole place breathed for the very first time. Then, slowly, our parents started to show up. One by one. I thought we were all finally free… but I was wrong.

Even though I was taken away from that place, what happened never left me.

The moment my parents saw the evidence that scared my body, they demanded answers.

Answers that to this day I have never given them.

They sent me away to that place. They gave Sandy permission to do whatever she needed to save my soul. So why should I tell them the truth?

My parents didn’t get to Camp Arrow until late at night, so we stayed at a small hotel in a nearby town. It’s how I found out what happened to you. When I saw the news report, I begged my parents to take me to the hospital, but they forced me into the car and drove away.

I wanted to thank you in person.

I wanted to tell you how proud I was of you.

I wanted to tell you how strong I thought you were.

I wanted to tell you that in your desperate act to die, you saved thirty-four lives.

I guess I should have told someone the truth, but I didn’t believe that they would care or that the justice system would get justice for us.

Tom and everyone were long gone, and I had no hope that they would be found.

I thought I could push everything to the back of my mind, lock all the pain and hurt up, and forget about it.

Man, was I wrong.

They live in my nightmares. I see them everywhere and know now that I will never escape what happened. How do I know this?

Well, two weeks after getting home, I found out I was pregnant.

My parents demanded I tell them who the father was, and I freaked out.

I’m sorry I lied and said that it was you.

I spent all day and all night—multiple times—thinking about what to do.

I decided to keep the baby. I put all my hopes into the idea that the baby would be my saving grace.

That somehow, when it was born, I would be healed.

I wouldn’t be so sad or broken anymore. I even named her Grace.