Page 16 of Lovetown, USA

Column

If Love is a Battlefield, Your Girl is Deep in the Trenches

by Lane Washington

It might be both.

I’m as yet undecided, but here are the facts: Lovetown is…aggressively romantic. Everywhere you look, you’re assaulted by the colors, symbols, and sounds of love.

Our photographer managed to snap a few shots without getting nauseous. They’re included throughout the article as exhibits A-F that prove I’m not lying about this.

I wish I were.

In one week, I’ve already been to Singles Bingo Night where the prize is a date with the other winner; and yes, I was one of the winners. David (name changed to protect the innocent) and I haven’t gone out, yet, but rest assured, the date is fully subsidized by the town. More on that later.

I’ve also attended Singles Skate Night (are you sensing a pattern here?) and the annual Lovetown charity basketball game. The latter doesn’t sound that bad, you say? The halftime show was a fake wedding. For kindergarteners! So yes, it actually was that bad.

Lest I’m written off for being too negative, I do have a praise report. The local jazz lounge I attended on my first night here was quite enjoyable. No agenda, no love stuff. Just good music and great drinks.

Okay, but then there are the townspeople.

The lounge was stuffed to the gills with married couples, and I’d be lying if I said they were all cool.

Some were, but others had an aura of smug marital satisfaction, as if they’d cracked some mythical code the rest of us single plebeians have yet to solve.

Single people here are lowkey pitied. Coddled. Matched. Nudged toward the altar by any means necessary. None of it feels genuine, which is a big part of the problem. Here, love feels like big business.

Speaking of genuine…I met this doctor. Tall, dark, handsome.

I can already hear y’all now. But let me tell you, that man is slick.

I haven’t caught him in the act yet, but my gut tells me he cleans up around here.

Despite hearing him say he wants to get married, I get the feeling his singleness is strategic. Stay tuned on that…

So that’s my week one recap.

Your girl is in the trenches for you. That’s right. I’m gonna give you the real, as always. Meet me back here next week, same time, same place.

Deep sigh.

If this is what week one looked like, I shudder to think what horrors week two has in store for me.