Page 137 of Love to Loathe Him

“Yeah,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. A knot of dread starts to form in my stomach.

“What if it’s been about the wife all along? What if that’s the explanation for everything?” Lizzie’s words come out in a rush. “I don’t want to hurt you, but what if it was always about Vicky?”

I look up at her, sickening horror dawning as she articulates something I didn’t consider. That’s why he had to beat Alastair. That’s why he had to punish him. It was because Alastair took what Liam wanted, and it was all about her.

I see this often working in HR. It takes an outsider to connect the dots.

And if Lizzie can see it . . .

“He is the king of compartmentalization,” I say with a humorless laugh that borders on a sob. “If anyone can do it, it’s him. He could probably fuck me while loving her and not even blink.”

“I don’t think he loves anyone but himself.” Lizzie sighs. “It’s such a shame. I thought after what he did with Winnie, maybe there was a decent side to him.” She pauses. “When are you going to confront him?”

I take a shaky breath, trying to steady myself, but it just makes Winnie tap me sharply with her toebeans, as if to tell me to stop rocking her makeshift bed.

“I don’t know,” I admit, my voice small and pathetic. “We’re supposed to go paddleboarding in Whitstable this weekend. I have my new wetsuit. Bloody hilarious.” I let out another bitter snort laugh. It’s either laugh or cry at this point, and I’ve already ruined Lizzie’s shirt with my tears.

I feel Lizzie stiffen under me, her hands pausing mid-stroke. “Please tell me you’re not going?”

“Of course not!” I exclaim, offended she’d even think that. Winnie, startled by my outburst, jumps and gives me a reproachful look. “I’m not a complete masochist. I mean, I’m close, but I haven’t quite reached that level of self-destruction. Yet.”

I sigh, feeling the weight of hurt and betrayal pressing down on me like a physical thing. Or maybe that’s just Winnie getting fatter. She shifts on my stomach, kneading her paws into me. “But I have to be strategic about this, like those two snakes. I can’t just go off on him, ranting and raving like a lunatic. Not until I’ve calmed down and figured out my next move. How does one confront the human equivalent of a brick wall? ‘Excuse me, Liam, I was wondering if you could pencil me in between your sex club visits and screwing over your business rivals for a quick chat about howyou’ve destroyed me emotionally?’ Maybe we could discuss it over some spotted dick?’”

Above me, Lizzie’s face contorts into a grimace. “You’re right. You need to play this smart, try to hit him where it hurts.”

“It doesn’t hurt him anywhere,” I mumble. “He doesn’t give a shit. He’s probably at that club right now, sipping scotch and banging his heart out.”

Winnie meows and headbutts my chin. Maybe she feels some loyalty to her savior who called in the cat brigade.

“I don’t get it. I honestly thought he liked you,” Lizzie says, her voice tinged with confusion and anger on my behalf. “Likereallyliked you.”

That’s not helping.

“I just . . .” I trail off, my voice cracking. “I thought he’d have more respect for me, you know? As someone he’s worked with for years, someone who’s busted her ass for him day in and day out. I thought I meant something to him, even if it wasn’t love. Silly me.”

The tears come again, hot and bitter. How could I have let myself fall for a monster?

“You know what the worst part is?” I say. “For a moment there, I really thought . . .” I can’t even finish the sentence. It’s too pathetic.

Lizzie’s big soft eyes peer down at me. She bites her lip, distraught on my behalf. “Oh, Gem.”

I’m a creature of habit. So when I see that Jimmy’s cart is closed, I’m instantly on edge. Shutters are down and it’s all locked up. DidJimmy forget to tell me he was going on vacation? That’s not like him at all.

I’m just standing there, staring at the deserted cart, when my eyes catch on a sign taped to the front.

This coffee cart is closed until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Until further notice? Is Jimmy okay? A wave of unease washes over me, tightening my chest. Just last week, Jimmy was all excited about trying a new coffee blend, something better than their usual brew.

“Hey, I’ll take you to Starbucks,” says a voice, cutting through my thoughts. I turn to see Ollie standing beside me, a smug grin plastered on his face. “Seriously, stop obsessing over these carts. Our bonuses are riding on this deal, you know.”

He glances at the sign and then back at me with that same smirk. “It’s already started. See? Not sustainable.”

“What’s started?” I ask, though I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know the answer.

“The rampdown. But if we drag it out, it’s going to make everything worse. You need to let it go.”

He walks off without a backward glance, having said his piece.