Page 25

25

Reagan

I’m heavy from body to limb with a lack of sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes last night, all I could see was Sera in the dirt, barbed wire cutting into her skin.

Every time my mind quieted, I heard her screaming.

And even when I blinked open my eyes, I could still feel the haunting emptiness in Jesse’s face. His hollow stare. A haunted gaze that told me he was somewhere else entirely.

He’s been closed off from the moment I met him, but last night, I felt him drifting even further. A boat kissing the horizon right before it disappears.

Whatever progress we’ve made in my time here, he shoved deep down last night, and I worry there’s no getting it back.

Jesse has been ignoring my texts, and our one phone call was quick and to the point.

Why am I still trying ?

This is his life.

His family.

The mother of his daughter was left tortured and bleeding at the gate to the compound. Jesse has more important things to worry about than responding to texts from his daughter’s nanny. Especially when I’ve told him that Bea is fine.

We had our fun, but now it’s over. I always knew reality would catch up with us, and here it is. Staring me down and daring me to call chicken.

Regardless of the hole widening in my chest, I respect Jesse enough not to push him when he’s going through the unimaginable. I’ll be here for Margaret as I always intended. I’ll help with Bea until he finds a replacement. Then I’ll leave—taking my Lincoln problems with me.

Maybe instead of returning to Glendale, I’ll try somewhere new.

I’m no longer the girl who didn’t know how to navigate outside the role she’s been conditioned to accept. Jesse made it feel safe to explore. He made impossible things feel within reach. And even when I was at my sassiest, pushing his buttons, he didn’t strip me of my confidence or belittle me. He listened. He paid attention.

He saw my worth.

I owe it to myself to do the same.

Here at the Twisted Kings compound, I got a taste of another life. Of family that extends beyond blood. Of what rewards can be found when a risk is taken.

I’m not ready to go. I’ll never be ready to leave Jesse and Bea. But I’ll do what’s right for everyone, and I’ll never regret putting myself out there for the first time in my life.

“Reagan!” Bea throws herself at me, and I choke back the burning behind my eyes.

She has no idea what’s going on with her mom and dad, and it hurts to think of how much is outside of my control right now.

I force a smile as Bea pulls back and swallow the knot in my throat.

“You ready to go?”

She nods, smiling up at me. And I wave goodbye to Tempe as she closes the door.

Bea skips at my side as we make the short walk between Steel’s and Jesse’s houses.

From what I’ve gathered, most of the houses in the makeshift neighborhood on the compound are abandoned or rarely used. Steel and Tempe live in one, and Soul owns the house next door, but he never stays there. Luna told me she and Ghost have been scoping out an empty lot, considering building something custom. But she’s content at the clubhouse for now.

Jesse’s house is in the middle of the small grouping, and the rest belonged to former members who moved their families off the property or members who now stay at the clubhouse.

“Did you have fun with Austin?” I squeeze Bea’s hand, looking down as she skips along.

“So much fun. We colored in my book. I wanted to make a pink pony, and Austin said there aren’t any. I told him I can make mine pink if I want. ”

“Yes, you can.” I squeeze her hand again, and the smile she gives me hurts my heart.

“He made his pony brown with spots, and it was okay, but it wasn’t pink. His ’magination isn’t like mine.”

“You do have quite the imagination, Beatrice King. Did you eat?”

“Tempe made us turtle pizzas.”

“Turtle pizzas?”

“She puts them on bagels because they look like shells. I ate mine fast because I wanted ice cream. Tempe always has the best ice cream.”

“So I’ve heard.” I swing open the door to the house.

We step into the entryway, and I lock the door while Bea sits down to take off her pink cowgirl boots. But instead of jumping back to her feet when she’s done, her chin drops, and she stares at her dangling feet.

“Something wrong?” I slip out of my shoes.

“Austin says Jameson is like his daddy.” Bea blinks up at me with a frown.

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“He didn’t have a daddy before, so he likes it.”

I crouch down in front of her. “Why does it sound like that makes you sad?”

Her bright-blue eyes focus on me. “I don’t want to hurt Daddy’s feelings.”

“How would you hurt his feelings?”

“’Cuz…” She presses her lips together, thinking. “I want a mommy. I know I can’t have mine. But do you think I can get one like Austin got Jameson? One who could love me like I’m hers? ”

I can’t breathe, and there’s no way I have the right answers. But with tears burning behind my eyes, I grip Bea’s hands and wish that was enough to pour my own love into her.

“You’re impossible not to love Beatrice King.” I grip her small fingers. “And I promise your dad would never love anyone who didn’t love you just as much as he does. You’re the most important person in his entire world. Only a woman smart enough to see how absolutely incredible you are could win his heart.”

The smile that climbs her face is so big and bright that it takes everything in me to fight back tears.

“You promise?”

“I promise.” My words nearly choke in my throat.

Jesse would never let anyone into Bea’s life unless they were here for her as much as they were here for him. I just wish I wasn’t jealous at the thought of it.

“Please don’t tell Daddy, Reagan. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I love him a whole lot.”

“He knows you do.” I squeeze her hands. “Love isn’t something that divides by spending it. It multiplies. Kind of like how you love your dad, and Uncle Marcus, and Auntie Luna—”

“And Austin.”

“And Austin.” I smile. “Loving all of them at once doesn’t shrink the amount of love you have to give. Love only grows.”

“I hope Daddy’s love grows someday. He says my love is enough, but maybe he needs to drink more water. ”

I can’t help the laugh that bursts out of me. I’m always handing Jesse water bottles because if it were up to him, he’d live on coffee, sports drinks, and beer. Clearly, Bea has picked up on it.

“Your daddy could definitely use more water,” I agree, standing.

Bea hops up, and we start walking down the hallway. “Can you stay, Reagan? I like that you talk to me.”

“I’m not leaving just yet, Beatrice King.”

“But you will.”

I want to lie, but she deserves better, so I tell her the truth. “Eventually.”

Her hand tightens on mine as we turn the corner, and I freeze to find Jesse standing in the kitchen.

“Daddy!”

Jesse is leaning against the kitchen counter with one ankle crossed over the other. He’s staring straight at me until Bea collides with his legs, stealing his attention.

She’s so excited to see him that she doesn’t realize he probably heard everything we just said.

“Daddy, you have to see the pictures I made. Tempe said if I cut it up in little pieces, it’s like a puzzle. Can we make a puzzle?”

“Of course, Honey Bea. I’ll grab the scissors.” He kisses the top of her head, and she runs back to the doorway where she left her pictures.

The scruff on his jaw is rough from not being shaved this morning, and his eyes are dark with exhaustion. It’s clear he hasn’t slept, but he doesn’t let that show for Bea’s sake .

With Bea gone, his eyes land on me. Static swells between us. It catches in my lungs, and the air thickens.

“How is Sera?”

“She’ll be okay.”

I nod, swallowing hard as Bea’s footsteps sound down the hallway. “I’ll give you guys some time to yourselves.”

His mouth opens like he’s going to ask me to stay. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking because he doesn’t say anything. Bea runs back in, and she drags him to the living room.

Like a coward, I don’t look back as I disappear into my bedroom and shut the door.

Margaret is already in bed, and it feels like she sleeps more than she’s awake lately, making every day lonelier around the house with Bea at school and Jesse avoiding me. I can only imagine it’s going to get worse.

I’m still standing frozen at the door when my phone rings, snapping me out of my thoughts. When I reach my nightstand and pick it up, it’s an unknown number, and I don’t want to answer it, considering it could be Lincoln. But since I just switched phones and sent my new number to my sister, I risk it.

“Hello.”

“Proof of life. Happy now, sis?”

“Livie?” Her name rushes out with my excitement. “You’re okay. Oh my god, Livie, why have you been ignoring my calls? I’ve been worried sick about you.”

She sighs so loud I can practically feel it. “I’m fine. I told you I was fine.”

“Three weeks ago.”

“Well, I’m still fine. Nothing’s changed. I wasn’t trying to worry you or anything.”

“Then respond when I text you next time.”

“I will.” I can see the eye roll I’m sure goes with it.

“A call. A text.”

“I said I will.” She sighs.

She’s frustrated because one minute into our conversation and we’re falling into those same patterns where I’m bitching at her about responsibility, and she’s annoyed. But it wouldn’t be like this if she answered my calls and texts more than once a month.

“I’m sorry.” I sink down onto my bed, pinching the bridge of my nose as my head starts to throb. “So you’re really okay? Where are you?”

“Roseville. And yes, I’m good. I’ve been traveling around. Seeing what’s out there… The usual,” she says. “How’s Glendale?”

“I’m not there anymore. Didn’t you get my text?”

“This phone acts up.”

“Of course it does.”

“Reagan…” Livie groans. “I’m fine, I swear.”

She’s never just fine. That’s the problem. But for my own sanity right now, I let that go.

“I’m not in Glendale actually… I’m in Vegas.”

“Vegas!” Excitement bursts from her. “Oh my god, Reagan, look at you getting a life, and—”

“Margaret’s sick.” I cut her off, and the other end of the line falls silent. “Her heart arrhythmia started acting up a few months ago, and when she was in the hospital, they found something—” I choke on the words. “She has cancer. It spread before they caught it. She’s comfortable for now. But there’s nothing they can do.”

Livie hums, not saying anything. She’s never done well with bad news. After Dad died, she fell deeper into her own spiral, pretending nothing happened. I’ve never seen my sister cry, so I don’t know what I expect from her with this news. But there’s no comfort in what I get.

“Okay.” Her voice is nearly a whisper. “Well, keep me updated.”

“I will.” I toy with the hem of my shirt.

“So you’re in Vegas?”

“For now.”

“Please tell me you’re at least having a little fun while you’re there.”

“Livie—”

“You know what helps with stress?” She cuts me off.

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “What?”

“Sex.”

“Seriously…” I roll my eyes.

“Oh my god, you just sighed. You’re getting laid, and you’re actually having a life, aren’t you?”

“You’re insinuating I didn’t have one already.”

Livie huffs. “Do you really consider what you were doing in Glendale a life?”

“I was getting by.”

“There are more important things than just getting by. Dad’s not even around anymore to berate you. And Mom’s too busy with her new boy toy to ca—”

“Mom’s dating? ”

“Oh, crap. I figured you knew. I called her back before I called you, and she mentioned something about taking a trip with him to Orlando.”

“Wow, she’s really moving on.” All these years later, I wasn’t sure it was possible.

“She is,” Livie says. “You can too. I know why you tried to keep things together, and I appreciate what you did for me. But you deserve a life, Reagan. Beyond Mom, beyond me, beyond Margaret.”

“I’m working on it.” It’s the truth, even if it’s always been harder than it sounds. “When did you get wise?”

“I spent a week at a meditation and wellness retreat that was eye-opening.”

“That sounds so unlike you.”

“A friend convinced me to go. At first, it was kinda boring, but the things with the yoga teacher got interesting. The things that man could do with his tongue would convince anyone there’s hope in the universe.”

And there’s the sister I know so well. “I didn’t need to know that.”

“Too bad.”

We both laugh, and it’s the first time in twenty-four hours that a real smile has stretched my cheeks. I’m tempted to tell her about Jesse. About Lincoln. Instead, we just sit and laugh together. And I realize that’s what I actually needed.

My sister.

“I have to take off. I’m meeting up with a friend,” Livie says after we’ve been talking about nothing special for ten minutes. “But take my advice, sis. Live a little. ”

“I’ll try. Take care of yourself.”

“I will, Mom .” She calls me that when she thinks I’m being ridiculous, and I can picture her rolling her eyes. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

The call ends, and something stirs in my chest. My sister can be a flighty, irresponsible pain in the ass, but I love her. And hearing her happy lifted a weight I’ve been carrying around, even if it doesn’t actually solve any of my problems.

Bea’s laugh filters through my door, followed by Jesse’s.

I’m tempted to join them—to ask Jesse how he’s doing.

To take my sister’s advice.

Instead, I lie on the bed and shove that desire down. Maybe I’ll have the courage tomorrow.