Page 9 of Kylan (The Wylde Street Boys #3)

NINE

KYLAN

Going back to Leon and Marek’s place had been the right thing to do. We needed to clear the air. We needed to talk.

And I needed to feel safe while we did that.

And safe was with them.

When I’d had enough soup, Marek took the tray and set it down on the dresser. He turned and looked as uncertain as Leon had when he’d said he’d leave the room, so I scooted over toward Leon and patted the bed.

“Stay,” I said.

He smiled as he took his spot, and I was in my happy place once more.

In between them.

The three of us sat on my bed, resting against the headboard, and they each held one of my hands.

“I don’t know what to say or how to start,” I said quietly. “I just want to sit like this for a little while if that’s okay. ”

“Of course it is,” Marek answered quickly.

“We have all the time you need,” Leon added. “We took today and tomorrow off work.”

“You did? What for?”

Leon chuckled and Marek lifted my hand to kiss my knuckles. “To look after you,” Leon said.

“I feel much better,” I said. “You don’t need to take time off for me.”

“We want to,” Marek said. “We need to.”

I looked at him then.

“We need to talk,” he continued. “The three of us. About everything. If this is going to work between us, we need to talk about it.”

“But first we need to make sure you’re okay,” Leon said. “You weren’t well this morning. Sick enough for your friend to be concerned.”

“He called you,” I said. At least, I was pretty sure he had.

Marek nodded. “Yes, thank god. He was really worried. We both were too.”

I sighed. “I was just... It was just dehydration, I’m sure. I feel better now.”

“It was more than that,” Leon said softly. “Dehydration, yes. But you hadn’t eaten in two days or slept properly. Fitch said you just lay there staring at nothing. He talked to you but you didn’t hear him.”

“And you said some things that worry me,” Marek added gently. “That you could normally lock the pain away, but you couldn’t this time, that you didn’t feel right. ”

I slow blinked, the tiredness coming back to me like a wave. “I, uh...” I tried to swallow but my mouth was too dry. “I tried telling you both how I felt, how much I needed you. And you rejected me. I wasn’t... My whole life I’ve been rejected, and I finally allowed myself to feel and dared to think you could want me...”

Leon put my hand to his lips. “I’m sorry about that. I’ll forever be sorry about that. But we do want you. Marek and I talked it over, eventually, and we both admitted our feelings for you.”

I looked at him, then at Marek. “You did?”

Marek smiled sadly. “I’ll admit, I think my reaction was similar to yours in a lot of ways. To pull back, to retreat, to protect myself. Then after a day or two, we kind of yelled about it and the truth came out.”

Hearing that made me both happy and sad. “I’m sorry I made you fight.”

Leon let out a sigh. “We needed to clear the air as well. And then Fitch called us and it made everything clear. In that instant, we knew we had to go to you.”

“I’m glad you did. I almost didn’t believe it was really you,” I said, trying to smile. “Thought my mind had finally cracked.”

Marek held my hand in both of his. “Do you retreat into your mind a lot? To protect yourself?”

I stared at him, then at our joined hands, and conceded a nod. “I would do it when I was younger when... things were bad.”

Leon closed his eyes slowly and Marek put my hand to his cheek .

“I don’t talk about this,” I said, the soup I’d eaten suddenly feeling a little off in my belly. “With anyone. Not even Fitch and Benji. It’s not good for me.”

“It’s okay,” Marek said. “You don’t have to tell us now. Just whenever you’re ready.”

“Or with someone else,” Leon murmured. “You can talk to a professional, if you’d prefer. If you’re more comfortable. Whatever you want.”

I’d rather not talk about it at all.

But it felt like a dam about to burst. Like one more setback and it would drag me under for good.

I let out a slow breath. “I want to talk about it but maybe not yet. I know I should. Probably. But...”

They both waited.

“My father wasn’t a nice man,” I began. “He’d lose his temper and...”

My stomach began to roll.

I licked my lips, trying to get the words out. “He would... the extension cord was his favourite...” I shook my head.

“Jesus Christ,” Leon hissed.

“He caught me wearing my sister’s skirt and...” I shook my head. “I’d locked the bathroom door so no one could see me, but he’d had a bad day...”

Marek sobbed and pulled me onto his lap. “My poor sweet boy,” he whispered, over and over.

Leon kept his arms around us both, his arms trembling.

“I would disappear,” I whispered. “Into my mind. And I could separate it all and lock it away. ”

Marek held me so damn tight and Leon rocked us back and forth, and I closed my eyes and let their strength surround me. Protect me.

I felt so small compared to them.

It was almost as if they were giants who scooped me up so the monsters couldn’t reach me.

In my mind I pretended that’s what they were, and I was their little one they’d protect and defend. No matter what I wore, no matter who I was.

And a part of my brain knew this wasn’t healthy, this disassociation, and that maybe I should talk to a professional, like Leon had said. Maybe I would one day.

But today I’d said enough. I didn’t want to rip open old wounds any more than I already had.

Not today.

I’d been through enough. I was drained enough.

“I feel safe with you,” I said to them. “I’m safe here with you both, like this. In your arms, in your house. Nothing in the world can hurt me.”

Leon pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Never again. No one will ever hurt you again. And that includes me and us. I promise. I promise you both, I will do everything to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Marek held my head to his chest, his thumping heart the most soothing sound. “We both will. The three of us together. I promise, Ky. And Leon, I promise you too.”

I could have almost cried again.

They really were serious about this.

“How will it work? What does it mean?” I asked quietly .

Leon let us go, just enough so I could look up at him. “Well, that’s what we need to discuss. Openly and honestly. About what we want and what we need from each other. If you even want it at all?”

If I even want it at all?

“Of course I do!” I whispered. “I will take whatever you give me.”

“No, not whatever we give you,” Marek said softly. “Sweet boy, you don’t settle for anyone. Not even for us. You need to tell us what you want, what you need. As an equal. Not as an outsider, not as someone we invited in on occasion. Not anymore. You’re one of us... if you decide it’s what you want. No contract, no obligations, no anything. A relationship, a triangle, if you will, with three equal sides.”

I looked up at him, then at Leon. “Really?”

Leon nodded. “Yes, b?—”

Boy.

He was just about to call me boy.

Then there was that whole side of us.

Oh god.

“Am I still your boy?” I asked, my voice small. “Does it still include that? Are you still my daddies?”

Ah, shit.

Panic began to rise again . . .

“Because I don’t know if I want this if you’re not still my daddies. I want to be your boy. I need that—” Tears choked me up. “My skirts. My pretty... I need to feel pretty. ”

Marek took my face in his hands. “Oh, my darling boy,” he murmured. “Whatever you want.”

“Don’t you want it too?” I asked. “Don’t you need a boy as well?”

Leon let out a quiet, tormented sound. “Oh yes. We would be very happy with that.”

“But do you need it? You keep saying what I want, what I need. What about you?”

“I need it,” Leon said, his voice deep, rough. “I want it and I need it. If you’re happy to continue that, then yes.”

“I am,” I said quickly. “I need it. You know I do.”

Leon pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. “These are the things we need to talk about.”

I nodded in agreement. “Okay.”

“And your payments,” Marek said.

My gaze shot to his. “Oh. Of course. Yeah, I don’t expect that... I mean, if this is a relationship...” Of course they wouldn’t continue to pay me if this was an actual relationship. Of course... “I don’t need the money,” I added quickly. “We’re setting up the Only Fans and I’ll need to make some more videos. I think Fitch wants to launch it soon, so we should start to see some money. Hopefully.”

Marek smiled. “Good. That’s fine with me. But there’s no reason why you can’t be our sugar baby. No more street work. The videos are fine. Solo work is more than fine. I hope you make serious money, but...”

“But?”

Oh god. There was a but.

“But we have enough money to support you,” Marek said.

“For whatever you want,” Leon added. “University? Law school? You’re smart enough to make it happen, Ky. We’ll support you in whatever you want.”

Oh my god.

“Sugar daddies?” I said incredulously.

Like honestly, what?

Marek made a face. “It makes it sound bad. I just meant that we can support you. We don’t want you to struggle when we have more than enough. I don’t mean that we’d be paying you to stay with us. That’s not what I meant.” He looked to Leon for some help.

Leon smiled. “What Marek means to say is that you can take your time to decide what you want to do. You have financial stability, if you want, while you put your plans into action. If you want to go to university and forge a career, we can fund that. If you want to stay here and be a house boy in a silk robe and slippers all day, we would support that too. It’s not about paying you, as Marek said, but about support.” He looked around the room. “We have enough money, enough investments, to provide for the three of us several times over.”

I couldn’t believe what they were saying.

Marek took my hand, frowning. “I need to add something. I would also like to point out that sex is not a requirement, nor an obligation. That isn’t part of this. If we agree to be in this relationship, we need to be clear from the start. Our previous agreement was based on sex and gratification, role playing. Relationships and growing together emotionally and sharing our lives is more than that. If sex is something we feel we can?—”

“Okay, stop,” I said, shaking my head. I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed. “I want what we had. I want all of what we used to have. I want to be your boy, I want you both to be my daddies, to have me however you want. We agreed all those months ago to make it a regular thing because it was fun and the sex was amazing, and the connection was intense. For the three of us. That doesn’t have to change, does it? When I said I wanted more...”

I wasn’t explaining this right.

“When you said you wanted more, what did you mean?” Leon asked.

“More. I just wanted... more of us.” I looked at them both. “I see Benji with Nolan, and he’s this huge emotional support pillar in his life now. And Fitch and Dominic... Dominic does things for him, they do things in public. And now with this court case coming, I know Nolan and Dominic will be there with them every step of the way. And I would be there alone. Because we had the NDA. We had an agreement that we could never be public, I could never discuss anything. I couldn’t even tell them your names. And I understood why you insisted on it; you have professional reputations and careers, and I get that.” I sighed. “At first the contract made me feel secure and the secrecy was fun. But then it felt like a shackle. I finally wanted to tell them how happy I was, but I couldn’t. I wanted to talk about how amazing you both were, but I couldn’t. I wanted you to be there for me... ”

“But we couldn’t,” Marek finished quietly.

I nodded. “That’s what I wanted. More of that. More normalcy, more honesty. A relationship, not an agreement. I was so close to finally being happy, finally feeling safe and secure and with two of the most amazing daddies ever, but I felt like I couldn’t quite break the surface. I was drowning in it, and I needed something to change before it killed me.”

Marek squeezed me and Leon rubbed my back, giving me all the time I needed to talk this through.

“I want sex,” I said, looking at Marek. “Thank you for telling me I am under no obligation to provide that service, but I need you both to understand maybe you both have obligations to me?” I chuckled. “To fuck me thoroughly, to be my daddies, to help me be the prettiest femboy, one who makes his daddies happy and proud. That’s what I need.” I made a face. “If that’s okay?”

Marek snorted and Leon laughed. “Oh, I think we can accommodate that.”

I took a deep breath. “And thank you for the offer of supporting me, financially. That’s something I will need to think about. And I know that’s probably crazy to you, because it’s insanely generous and I have nothing.” Literally. “And being a houseboy in a silk robe and slippers sounds like a dream,” I said, smiling at Leon. “The opportunity for university is... well, it’s not something I ever thought possible, and maybe that’s a way for me to finally contribute. Eventually. I don’t know. I’ll need some time to think about that.”

I let out a long breath. Here goes nothing. “I still want to do the solo videos with Fitch and Benji. And I don’t expect you to understand my reasons. But I promised them. We made a pact years ago to stick together. They are my family, my brothers. And if that Only Fans account could be our way out, on our own terms, then I want to try. Not just for them, but for me too. We need to do this.”

Leon put his arm around me. “I get it. You don’t need to explain. Achieving financial security on your own is a huge deal. And I’m proud of you for giving it a shot.”

I nodded quickly. “It’ll all be anonymous, I promise. No face shots, nothing recognisable in the background.” I’d told them all this before, when I’d first brought it up weeks ago, but I still felt the need to explain.

“It’s more than that,” Marek offered gently. “It’s thinking about your future, setting goals, wanting better lives. Knowing you deserve a better life. Taking back control of your life.”

I nodded, getting teary all over again.

He got it.

They both did, but Marek nailed it. “Yes. Exactly,” I whispered. I felt so relieved, so blessed to have these two by my side. “Thank you, both of you. It all still feels kind of surreal.”

Leon kissed the side of my head. “I know you’re tired. We still have more to discuss, like living arrangements and public outings, what we tell people, if we tell them anything at all. Have a think about anything else you want to discuss, anything at all, and we can chat again once you’ve rested some more. ”

I was tired, that was true.

Marek felt my forehead again. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

“I feel so much better,” I said. “Like the heaviest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m so relieved and happy and grateful for you both.”

But there was something that couldn’t wait. Something I had to tell them.

“I just...” I sighed. “I need you both to know that I’m very happy to be included, to be part of your lives, and the fact you both love me is the best thing to ever happen to me. I just can’t hardly believe it, to be honest. Like this is all some kind of dream I’ll need to keep pinching myself to see if it’s real.”

“It’s real, darling,” Marek said, smiling.

“I just need you both to know...” I made a face. “Your marriage to each other, your vows to each other, I know I’m not part of that, but I need you both to know I respect that. More than anything.”

They both stared at me, so I swallowed hard and tried again. “The fact you’re married and so in love means the world to me. I mean fuck, you love each other so much you’re willing to include me in your lives, and that means the world to me. I know I’m not explaining this correctly, but I just needed to acknowledge the fact you guys are married and I won’t ever not recognise that.” I put my hand to my forehead and laughed. “I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I just want you both to know that I understand there will be things inside your marriage that don’t have to include me and that it’s okay. What we have is our own, and I’m okay with that.”

“Like grown-up daddy things?” Leon asked with a smile.

I swatted his arm. “Yes!” Then I shrugged. “Or something, I don’t even know. I just need you both to know that I won’t ever forget you are married. And it’s not a bad thing. I don’t feel excluded or left out. I actually love that you’re married and look at each other with such adoration. It makes me feel... safer.”

There. That was better.

Marek gave me a hug. “You’re such a sweet boy.”

“I love you both,” I whispered. “And I know this won’t be all sunshine and roses. But I will do my best to be everything you need.”

Leon gave me a side hug and kissed my temple. “We just need you. The rest will work itself out.”

“Are you tired, sweet boy?” Marek asked. “You’re still not fully recovered.”

I nodded. “I am tired still.”

“Then lie down and rest.”

“Will you lie with me?” I asked, looking at each of them. “Until I fall asleep?”

“Of course,” Marek said.

I noticed then, like really noticed, just how tired they both looked as well. Leon scooped me up so Marek and I could use his arm as a pillow, and Marek faced me, his arm across my chest.

They’d lost sleep because of me. They’d fought and yelled at each other because of me .

They’d fought for me.

And lying there in that bed, in their arms, I felt something I’d never felt before.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Marek asked.

I let out a teary laugh. “This feeling. I just realised what this is. It feels like flying and floating and somersaults and swooping in my belly. It’s scary and wonderful, and I’ve never... I’ve never felt anything like it. Not from anyone. Not my family, not even Fitch and Benji. I love them, but this... this is like nothing I’ve ever felt.”

They both nuzzled in closer. Leon kissed my temple. “It’s love, Kylan.”

I nodded, a few happy tears forming but I didn’t want to cry anymore. I was done crying.

“I don’t know why I’m crying. I haven’t cried this much since I was very little. I don’t like crying. All these feelings...”

Leon pulled me in close and Marek sandwiched me, wrapping me up snug and safe.

“You’re allowed to cry,” Leon murmured. “You don’t have to lock down how you feel anymore.”

Marek looked so damn sad. “You’re allowed to feel. And it’s okay to be overwhelmed at first. You’re not used to being so vulnerable, and that’s scary. But darling, you’ll be okay. I promise.”

I nodded again. “Thank you.”

And the truth was, this emotional dump was an ugly onslaught. I’d struggled my whole life in keeping a lid on my emotions, tamping them down, until I felt nothing at all.

And now I was surrounded, blanketed by such raw and honest love.

It was so foreign to me and overwhelming, like Leon had said.

And that was the thing... they understood. They knew. When I was reeling, out of control and aimless like a kite in the wind, while they were calm and in control, keeping me tethered. Not afraid to admit their fears and being vulnerable with me and ensuring that I felt safe.

The perfect daddies.

I had so much to process. So much to take in and so many questions to ask.

So much to learn.

But for now, all I wanted to do was sleep. Be cradled by these two men who loved me. Let myself be loved.

And, if I could ever be brave enough, love them as much in return.