Page 6 of Kylan (The Wylde Street Boys #3)

SIX

MAREK

Seeing Kylan cry, seeing his whole body sag, his face crumple, broke my heart.

He sucked back a heaving sob, and putting his hand up, he took a small step backward, then another, before he turned to run.

I had no clue what had happened. I’d been so excited for him to visit. Leon was especially looking forward to seeing him; he’d missed his last visit.

He missed him any day we didn’t see him.

As did I.

But he took one look at Leon and his reaction was immediate. It was alarming and concerning.

And heartbreaking.

I’d never seen Leon run so fast. He got to the door the same time as Kylan did. Kylan pulled it open, and Leon reached over Kylan’s head and pushed it shut.

Kylan spun around, afraid. Recoiling in actual fear. He shrank back and Leon collected him in a crushing hug.

While I still stood by the dining table, unable to move, watching in absolute horror.

What the fuck had happened?

What did I miss?

Kylan sobbed and Leon held him. “Shh, baby,” Leon soothed. “I got you. I got you, baby. You’re okay.”

Kylan cried harder, and Leon scooped him up like a child and carried him to the sofa. He sat with Ky in his lap, cradling him tight and letting him cry. Leon’s gaze caught mine and he was as concerned and as clueless as I was.

I sat beside them, my hand on Ky’s shoulder. “Sweetheart, you’re okay. We’re here, darling. You’re safe here.”

And that just made him cry even harder.

This boy, this poor sweet, sweet boy.

Leon kissed his head. “Your daddies are here.”

He fisted Leon’s shirt and we waited for him to cry himself out. I stroked his hair and he closed his eyes. He looked exhausted, and I wondered if he’d fallen asleep in Leon’s arms.

Leon’s eyes asked me all the questions.

What the hell happened?

What’s wrong?

Did someone hurt him?

Did we do something wrong?

All I could do was shake my head.

I don’t know .

“I’m sorry,” Kylan mumbled. “I don’t know why I’m like this.”

Leon squeezed him and I rubbed his back. “It’s okay, darling,” I whispered. “Don’t be sorry.”

“You scared me,” Leon said. It probably wasn’t the best thing to say in that moment, but it was the truth.

He’d scared both of us.

Kylan sat up, alarmed and crying again. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, boy,” Leon replied, softly wiping Ky’s cheek. “But you need to tell us what’s wrong. We can’t help you if you don’t tell us. Did something happen?”

He shook his head and shrugged. “No... Yes. I don’t know.”

“Did someone hurt you?”

“No,” he said. “I can’t be with anyone else. I don’t work. I can’t... I won’t have anyone else touch me but you two.” He cried again. “I belong to you both, even if you don’t belong to me.”

Wait . . .

What?

“Kylan,” I began.

“I don’t know how to do this,” he cried. “I thought I could. I thought I could keep it all separate, but now I don’t know.”

The more he said, the more confused I became.

“You don’t know how to do what?” Leon asked. “Be with us?”

“Yes!” he cried. “I want more. I mean it’s more than I’ve ever had. It’s more than I ever dreamed I would ever have.” He sobbed, fresh tears rolling down his face. “But it’s somehow not enough. I came here with nothing. I have nothing. No one. I’m so fucking alone it kills me, and then I get a taste of this, of what I could have, but it...” He screwed his face up. “I don’t even know. It feels just out of reach. What I want is so close I could even hold it, but it’s not mine. It will never be mine and it fucking kills me. This is killing me. Because I never wanted anything before.” He was mad now. “I never needed anything or anyone, and I was doing just fine without it. I could be numb to it all and nothing would hurt me. And now...”

He looked at me, then at Leon, his eyes wide and so terribly sad. “And now it hurts so fucking bad.”

I wasn’t sure what to say.

I had no words. I was still trying to get my head around everything he’d just said, and I wasn’t sure I was following.

The bottom line was clear though.

“We failed you,” I whispered. Both Leon and Kylan’s eyes flashed to mine. I rubbed Ky’s back. “You’re confused and hurting and that means we didn’t do our jobs.”

The pain in Leon’s eyes hurt more than anything I’d experienced in my life. Then he looked at Ky. “Are you... are you saying you don’t want this? Do you want out of the contract?”

“I don’t want the stupid fucking contract,” he said, and he climbed off Leon’s lap and scampered to the end of the sofa like a scared baby animal. “I want you to want me without a contractual obligation. I thought I had security in that stupid NDA. I thought it meant something. I thought it was a security blanket. But it feels like it’s suffocating me.”

“Then we’ll get rid of it,” Leon said.

Ky gasped, his eyes wide with fear. Panicked, he reached out and grabbed Leon’s arm. “No. Please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t know what I’d do without you...”

And I think I finally understood.

The pieces of this messed-up jigsaw puzzle were finally taking shape.

He didn’t want the contract. He wanted more. He was numb to everything before and now he wasn’t, because now he was feeling .

He was in love with us.

“Ky, sweetheart,” I whispered.

“I don’t want your pity,” he said. “And I don’t want the NDA but please don’t get rid of me. I will take anything you give me. I thought I could leave but I can’t. I thought being with you knowing you’d never love me would kill me,” he shook his head, more tears spilling down his cheeks. “But not being with you at all would hurt so much worse. I’m pathetic and greedy, and I shouldn’t want more than you already give. You already give me so much. But I want more. I want this. I want you both, and I know I can’t have it... I saw Fitch with Dom, and Benji and Nolan, and they’re so in love and I thought... I want that. Why can’t I have that? Because you two have each other, and I’m not part of that, that’s why. You know I once told Fitch the whole daddy thing wasn’t real, just a fantasy you played until you went back to a reality where we don’t exist. And now look at me. I fucking fell for it. God, I should have never let myself feel anything. I’m such an idiot.” He shook his head again, wiping his nose on the back of his arm. He stood up. “I should go. I’m really sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucked up. I shouldn’t have come here today. I wasn’t gonna and I should have known better.”

“Ky, wait,” I said, getting to my feet as he took a step back.

He shook his head. “I can’t stay. I’m sorry.”

He looked at Leon, and I looked at Leon. And Leon just sat there, dumbstruck and so fucking sad.

What did that mean?

Was he just letting him go?

Was this over?

“Leon,” I tried, fighting my own tears. “Say something.”

He looked at me, defeated, and shook his head.

Kylan sobbed, turned, and ran.

And we did nothing to stop him.

He was just gone. The front door slamming behind him a loud and heartbreaking goodbye.

“Leon,” I whispered, tears spilling down my cheek. “What the fucking hell?”

He closed his eyes slowly, his face a mask of sadness. “Marek, I think we need to talk.”

I wasn’t ready for that.

I wasn’t prepared for Leon’s words. To think, for one moment, since the day I’d met him that I might ever doubt our love.

I felt cold and clammy, wooden and heavy.

“What?” I managed, merely a breath. “What do you mean?”

“We need to talk,” he said again, tone flat.

Defeated.

“About us,” he went on. “About this. About him. About... us.”

He looked up at me then and tears welled in his eyes.

My insides felt wrong.

Twisted and strung too tight, hot and burning, cold as ice.

“Leon?”

He held out his hand for me, and I took it. I always would. It was habit, instinct.

“What are you about to tell me?” I murmured. “Because that”—I gestured to where Kylan had stood—“was terrible and awful, and my heart is breaking, but Leon, you’re scaring me.”

I didn’t realise how much I was trembling until he took my hand.

“I love you,” he said. “I always have. I always will. From the moment I laid eyes upon you. The day you said yes to marrying me was the happiest day of my life, second only to the day you said, ‘I do.’”

I couldn’t stop the tears. “I love you too. ”

“But . . .”

“But what?”

“But this isn’t working.”

I sobbed and pulled my hand free. “What?”

He snatched my hand back. “Not us, Marek. I mean with him. It was different with him from day one and we both knew it. He was...” Leon’s chin wobbled and he sniffled. “I think we should let him go.”

I shook my head.

Because I didn’t want that, and I was sure Leon didn’t either.

“But he was?—”

“He was too close,” Leon said. “Too perfect, too much. And you said it yourself. We failed him.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “We weren’t ready for someone like him. When we agreed to seeing him regularly, we said we’d discuss things open and honestly. And we agreed that if either one of us wanted out, we’d end it. We’d put us first, always.”

That was true.

As much as it hurt.

And it did fucking hurt.

“I won’t risk losing you,” Leon whispered. “You are the love of my life, Marek. I never thought for one second I’d...”

He shook his head and sighed.

“And you never thought for one second you’d what?” I said, unable to take the bite out of my tone. “Fall in love with another man? Fall in love with Kylan?”

Leon’s eyes cut to mine, and I knew it was the truth .

I sobbed, my hand to my heart. “I love him too.”

He took my face in his hands and kissed me softly. “And that’s why we need to let him go. We can’t risk us. What we have is too precious. We’ll just go back to us. Just us two. No third, no femboy, no games, no roleplaying, none of it. Just us. We’ll be okay. And he will be too. He’ll be okay.”

We held each other and we both cried.

“He’ll be okay,” Leon whispered again, and I wasn’t sure which of us he was trying to convince.

I felt numb. For the rest of the day, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Leon. I didn’t want to even look at him.

And perhaps that caused more pain than the whole Kylan situation. Because Leon and I had always been rock solid. We’d always agreed about every single thing. We were in tune, in sync, always. For over twenty years, he’d been my other half.

But I didn’t agree with him on this.

Well, I knew what he was saying was true. But I didn’t agree with how it ended. I didn’t agree with it ending at all.

Yet Leon seemed to make the decision for us.

And I was hurting. I was hurting because Kylan was hurting. That poor sweet boy.

Our boy.

And, for the first time in our relationship, there was a distance between me and Leon, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to close it. I wanted to hold my line and let myself wallow in this pain and grief.

I was heartbroken.

And maybe with some time I’d see Leon’s reasoning. Because if having a third person in our relationship could harm what Leon and I had, then part of my rational brain knew that what Leon had said was correct.

He was right about that.

We should protect us first, at all costs. That was always our rule.

But we were different now.

The us part of the equation had changed.

Kylan had changed us.

And I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to who we were without him.

“Are you okay?” Leon asked.

I looked up at him from the chaise. I called this room the music room because of the grand piano, though it never got played. The dark blue walls, dark purple furnishings, large gold framed artworks, and lavish black-and-gold accents made for a space I found peaceful.

And a little melancholy.

Which was perhaps why I found myself curled up on the chaise, staring out the window.

“No,” I replied quietly. “I’m not okay.”

Leon’s face fell. The pain and anguish on his face should have tortured me, but I almost felt glad that he was hurting too.

“Can I get you anything?” he asked.

Telling him he could get me Kylan seemed pointless. I went back to staring out the window. “No,” I murmured.

He stood there for half a minute, silent and sorry, but I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t.

And then he turned and walked out.

I didn’t eat dinner. Couldn’t stomach the thought of food.

I curled up on the sofa in the dark and watched old black-and-white foreign films without the subtitles. No idea what language they were. None of it mattered.

I fell asleep there. For the first time in our relationship, in our marriage, I’d refused to share a bed with Leon.

I was hurting.

And all I could think about was Kylan.

What was he doing? Where was he? Was he okay?

Was he safe?

I wanted to text him, to call him. But what could I say?

That I was sorry?

It still didn’t change anything.

Would it hurt him more if I reached out?

I wasn’t sure.

I kept replaying in my mind what he’d said. That he wanted us, that he needed to be with us. That he hated how he’d let himself feel anything.

That he wanted what we had.

That he wanted us despite knowing we could never love him.

I should have stopped him right there. I should have told him that we did love him... Well, that I loved him. I was sure Leon did too. But instead we’d let him think we didn’t, and then we’d let him leave.

We’d given that boy a glimmer of hope, and we’d snuffed it out when he needed it most.

When he’d needed us the most.

We’d failed him.

What had Leon said? We weren’t ready for him?

But we could have tried.

I woke up to the feeling of being watched, and when I rolled over, my neck pulled, my head ached, and I felt ill.

Leon was standing there, dressed and ready for work.

“Marek,” he said gently.

I gripped my stomach. “I can’t go to work today. I feel sick.” I sat up, my whole body stiff and sore. My heart felt like lead in my chest. I groaned as I got to my feet, my stomach rolling. “I’m sorry.”

Leon went to help me, but pulled his hand back as if he was afraid to touch me. Afraid I’d reject him.

I hate this.

I hate all of this.

I was crying before I even got in the shower. I was crying when I crawled into bed, and I cried myself to sleep.

Everything was wrong.

Our perfect life, our perfect everything was wrong.

I slept for hours, which was hardly surprising considering I’d barely slept a wink all night.

I tried to eat some crackers mid-afternoon, but it was like trying to swallow cardboard. So I made some lemon tea, but it was no better.

I wanted to text Kylan a dozen times, but didn’t know where to start. And in the end, I had to let him know I was sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I hope you’re okay.

I don’t expect a reply but please know I am so very sorry.

I didn’t expect a reply, but by god, it didn’t stop me hoping for one.

I held my phone and waited. And waited, and when no reply was forthcoming, no text bubble, my text still unread, it made me cry all over again.

I wanted to go to him, and I wondered if I should. I wondered if it would hurt Leon if I did. Would it be a breach of his trust?

I couldn’t decide between them who to hurt the most.

Kylan was already hurting, and I knew Leon was too. But Leon had said to let him go.

My darling husband, the absolute love of my life...

I was so angry at him. Betrayed, hurt, and so fucking heartsore.

I still didn’t want to see him. I didn’t know what to say.

Something felt irrevocably broken and I didn’t know how to fix it.

If it was fixable at all.

By four o’clock I was back in bed, utterly miserable. This dark hole of heartbreak felt insurmountable. Neverending.

I woke up again to Leon feeling my forehead with the back of his hand.

“Hey,” he whispered.

I pulled back, not wanting his touch, his comfort.

I knew it hurt him, his hand going back to his lap. The sadness on his face, in the low set of his shoulders. But I couldn’t stop myself.

He swallowed hard, nodded but said nothing.

I rolled over and closed my eyes, and he sat there for a long moment. “We need to talk, Marek,” he whispered.

I said nothing.

“I’ll make you some tea,” he said.

“No, thank you,” I whispered.

“Are you unwell, or . . . ?”

I didn’t answer that.

“Marek, please,” he said. “I’m trying here. I’m sorry. I wish I knew how to fix this.”

“You know how to fix this,” I replied, my voice hoarse and detached.

And then there was silence. And after a long moment, he stood up and walked out.

I didn’t know where he slept, but it wasn’t in bed with me. Maybe the couch, maybe the spare room, maybe even Kylan’s room down the hall.

I wasn’t sure why that hurt to think about.

Fuck this all to hell .

I went downstairs around six in the morning. I needed to stomach some tea before deciding if I could face work. To be busy and distracted with work and clients and meetings and phone calls would do me good, if I could just ease the twisted knot in my belly and the heaviness in my heart.

I switched the kettle on and Leon shuffled into the kitchen behind me. He looked terrible.

Pale, exhausted, and so fucking sad.

And my heart broke all over again.

“Leon,” I tried, my voice breaking.

His eyes met mine, teary and so profoundly sad. “I’m sorry,” he said. He put his hand to his heart. “Did I break us? Is that what’s happening here? You and I were... we were always...” His chin wobbled. “I thought I was doing the right thing for us. Because it’s been you and me, always. Never a doubt. And then he came along...” He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair.

My god, he looked so wrecked.

“And then he came along,” I repeated.

“And now you won’t look at me,” he said, a tear running down his cheek. “I ended things with him to save us, and I broke us anyway.”

“We didn’t need saving,” I said. “He did. Kylan needs saving, not us. That poor boy. God knows what he’s going through right now.”

Leon groaned and pulled at his hair. “You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I care?”

“Then why?” I yelled at him. “Why did you let him leave? ”

“Because I love him,” Leon yelled back.

And out of all the things, all the many things I might have expected him to say, that was not one of them.

“I love him,” he said again, quieter this time. “And it scares me to death. That’s why.”

I shook my head, confused and unsure. “What? Why?”

“Because you are my entire world,” he said, tears streaming down his cheeks. “The love of my life. My one and only.” He sighed. “And then he came along. And it wasn’t just you anymore. I love him the same as I love you, and it terrifies me. He was too close. He’s too... Fuck, I couldn’t risk losing you, so what else was I supposed to do, Marek? Tell me. How can I love someone else that isn’t you?”

I went to him, this beautiful, frustrating, too-proud man, and thumped him on the chest. “You love him with me. You were supposed to love him with me, Leon. We love him together as much as we love each other. God, we fucked this up so badly. He was crying out for help and we fucked it up. We ruined that poor boy and any hope he had of trusting us, loving us.”

Leon scrubbed his face. “How could we do that? How could we be more than we already were? You want to make him a part of us? For real? How can a third person join a marriage?”

“He was already a part of us. He was already in our marriage, Leon. Nothing had to change, except to love him even more.”

He still looked torn, unsure .

“I know you’re worried about us,” I whispered. “And I get that. Hell, I am too. But Leon, he changed us. Who we were before him is not who we are anymore, and I don’t know if we can ever go back to that. I see you with him and I love you more than I ever did before. I would watch you be with him, tend to him, love him, and it made me love you so much more. And that shouldn’t be possible, but it is.”

Then I poked him in the chest.

“But you hurt me when you sent him away. And fuck knows how much you hurt him because he won’t reply to my texts, and I’m so fucking mad at you. You need to fix this. You need to make this right, Leon. And pray to god that boy forgives us because I will be mad at you for-fucking-ever if he doesn’t.”

And then my phone rang, startling us both.

Kylan’s name flashed on the screen and I snatched it up. “Hello? Kylan, baby. Please tell me you’re okay?”

There was a beat of silence.

“Uh, no. It’s not Kylan. It’s Fitch. Is this Leon or Marek? Which one am I speaking to?” he asked sharply. “I guess it doesn’t fucking matter. I don’t give a fuck which one of you this is. I need to know what you did to him. What the fuck did you do to him?”

My mind scrambled, panic starting to build. “What... what’s wrong? What happened, please, is he?—”

“Save your bullshit. Get your arses over here right now and fix whatever the fuck you did to him.” There was a beat of silence. “Now.”