Page 7 of Kylan (The Wylde Street Boys #3)

SEVEN

KYLAN

I don’t remember much.

I remember walking home, no thoughts, just one foot after the other. I have no recollection if I saw anyone, spoke to anyone.

I remember walking into an empty flat, grateful Fitch wasn’t home.

I wanted to yell and scream, and I wanted to let it all out. I wanted to scream until my throat was sore, I wanted to pummel something until I dropped to the floor.

But no.

I took it inward.

It was safer that way.

Put it all in a box, closed the lid, locked it tight, and shut everything down until I felt nothing.

Until there was nothing left to feel.

It was safer that way.

It’s what got me through this fucking life. It’s what got me through a lot of things .

It would get me through this.

Though it sure as fuck didn’t feel like it.

No matter how much I tried to lock this pain down, it kept seeping its way to the surface.

Raw and jagged, both aching and sharp.

I always knew it would hurt.

But I had no idea it would be this bad.

I crawled into my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and let the darkness have me.

I don’t know how long I slept.

I don’t know if I slept at all.

I don’t remember Fitch coming in the first time, but there was a glass of water by my bed and some crackers.

I do remember him sitting on my bed, his hand stroking my hair.

I don’t remember what he said. I don’t remember speaking. I don’t think I did.

I don’t remember if it was dark outside the window or light or when or if it changed.

I couldn’t get up. I could barely fucking breathe.

All I wanted to do was sleep.

It was all I was capable of doing.

But then Fitch was pulling my covers back and pulling my arm to sit me up. “Come on, Kysie. I need you to get up. Just sit up for me.”

God, my body hurt.

He put the glass of water to my mouth and made me drink. “Come on, just sip it. There you go,” he whispered. “I made you some toast and butter. Take a bite.”

I bit it, chewed it, struggled to swallow it, and he made me sip some more water.

“I’m worried about you,” he said, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

“They don’t want me,” I whispered, barely able to speak.

Fitch deflated with a sigh. “Oh man.”

“I’m just . . .”

Fucked up.

Broken.

Not good enough.

Never good enough.

Lost.

Hollowed out and irreparable.

Unlovable.

“So tired,” I mumbled, lying back down.

Fitch rubbed my arm, and I couldn’t bear the sadness on his face, so I closed my eyes.

Next time I woke up, it was dark.

I could hear Fitch’s mumbled voice, talking to who, I had no idea. Dom or Benji. Maybe he was on the phone, or maybe they were in the living room.

I didn’t care.

I couldn’t sleep any more, but I was still too tired and heavy to move so I just stared at the wall. Trying not to think, trying to squash all the pain into its box, but it was too big, too great.

So I stopped trying .

It didn’t matter anyway.

I tried to clear my mind instead. I tried not to think about them, to think about the sadness on Marek’s face or the cool resignation on Leon’s.

I wasn’t sure which one hurt the most.

It just all hurt.

So I went back to that place in my head where it was quiet and numb, between sleep and awake, like some astral fucking plane where I didn’t exist.

Then it was light out the window again and Fitch was sitting on my bed with his phone to his ear. Then other voices; Benji, I think. Everything seemed so far away.

Then strong arms picked me up, cradling me, his heartbeat thumped in my ear.

His scent so familiar and comforting.

He smelled like home.

I looked up at him and he cried as he kissed my forehead.

Leon.

Crying.

“Daddy’s here,” he said, not even trying to hide his tears. “We’re both here.”

Then gentle hands brushed my face, rubbed my back, and when I looked over, I saw Marek.

Beautiful Marek with his tear-stained face.

And I wept.

Marek moved closer, both of them holding me, surrounding me. And the three of us cried.

“Oh, my sweet boy,” Marek murmured. “We’re so sorry. We’re here now. We’re going to make this right. The three of us, together.”

It made me cry even harder.

Leon rocked us. His strong arms felt like a safe haven, but I didn’t dare to hope...

I couldn’t bear to have it taken away from me again.

I wouldn’t survive it.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” Leon murmured. “I hurt both of you when I should have protected you and cherished you. I thought I knew what was best and I was wrong. God, I was so fucking wrong.”

I looked up at him. Did he mean that?

He put his hand to my cheek, his eyes dark and sorrowful. “Please forgive me, Kylan. And Marek, I need you both to forgive me. I’m so sorry. We can work this out. We can get through this, I promise. I’ll do anything.”

Marek put his hand to Leon’s heart. “I know you’re sorry, my darling.”

I tried to get up and they helped me sit on the bed. Leon took one of my hands and Marek took the other. And I tried to get my thoughts in order.

I was so tired. So empty. My chest was aching, raw and rough. “I... I don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t think straight. I want to believe you, but I don’t know what’s real. I think I broke something. In my head. I used to be able to block the bad stuff out, but I can’t. I tried but I couldn’t do it.”

Marek sobbed, bringing my hand to his face, his neck. And Leon put his arm around me. “Oh, Kylan, sweet boy. We’re here, this is real. We want you in our lives, in our home. We need you.”

“But you said?—”

“I was wrong. I was so wrong. Marek was right; we’re not us without you. You changed us, and that scared me so much. I thought letting you go was the right thing to do, but it almost broke us. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

Leon? Scared?

He seemed to read the questions in my eyes because he nodded. “Terrified. I fell in love with you, Kylan.”

My heart thudded to a stop, squeezing painfully. I felt dizzy.

He fell in love with me?

Leon squeezed my hand. “And it scared me to think I was taking something away from Marek. But he taught me that’s not how it works, because he loves you too. And that doesn’t mean we love each other any less.”

They both love me?

Wait . . .

“It means we love each other more,” Marek said. Then he put his forehead on my shoulder. “You said you wanted more. You said you needed us more than you thought we could need you, but Kylan my darling, we need you too. So much.”

“Please say you’ll come back to us,” Leon murmured. “We’ll work everything out. Everything you need, anything you want. We’ll make it work, whatever it takes. ”

I sobbed out a cry. “Am I dreaming? Did my mind really snap? I think I’ve lost my mind.”

“No, no,” Leon replied. “You’re not dreaming. We’re here. We mean everything we’ve said. We love you, Kylan. And I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

I cried harder, my shoulders shaking. “Everyone I ever loved hurt me. I tried to lock it away; I tried to lessen the pain.” I pulled my hand free from Marek so I could push against my temple and then my sternum. I ached all over, inside and out. “And you say you love me, but if love feels like this, I don’t know if I can stand it. I can’t bear this. My heart and my head, everything hurts. I don’t feel... right.” I felt like crying but I was all out of tears. “I don’t feel so good.”

Leon felt my forehead, my cheeks, my neck. “You’re hot.”

“Of course he is,” Fitch said from the door. He came in and knelt before me. “Kysie? Everything okay?”

I tried to smile for him. “Did you call them?”

“I had to do something. I’m sorry if it breached whatever clause in your whatever contract. But you were scaring me.” He put his hand to my face and stopped, concerned.

“He has a temperature,” Leon said.

“I’m just tired,” I tried.

“He hasn’t eaten or drunk anything in two days,” Fitch told them. Then he glared at each of them. “Why do you think I called you?”

“We’re indebted to you,” Marek said gently. “I can never thank you enough. ”

“The contract is over,” Leon said. “There are no clauses to breach.”

I shot him a look. “What?” Panic began to bubble in my chest, squeezing my lungs. “But I?—”

Leon smiled, his hand clasping mine. “I thought we could try dating. The three of us. And we don’t need an NDA if there’s nothing to hide.”

I stared at him. “Dating? Me? And both of you?”

Marek let out a sniffly laugh and he looked at Leon with such fondness, with such love.

Then he looked at me the same.

Oh.

My head was starting to spin. Tired, dizzy.

Fitch took my arm. “I think he needs to lie down.”

That was a really good idea.

“I think we should take him to hospital,” Marek said, concerned.

“No,” I said on reflex.

“Let’s get him back to our place,” Leon said. “We can have a doctor make a private house call?—”

“Or he could stay here,” Fitch said. “You know, because he lives here.”

“Fitch,” I murmured.

He sighed and studied my face. “You wanna go with them?”

I nodded. Because I really did. We needed to talk, about everything. But really, I just wanted to be with them. I needed them. I wanted to sleep in their bed. I wanted them to hold me, to comfort me.

To tell me I’d be okay .

Fitch nodded in return. “Yeah, okay. I get it.” Then he levelled a glare at Leon. “I’ll allow it. One more chance.”

Leon surprised me by smiling. “Thank you.”

“Look after him,” Fitch added. “Make sure he eats and drinks some electrolytes or something.”

“We will,” Marek said. He stood up and helped me to my feet. “Come on, darling. Let’s get you home.”