Page 7 of Knot Your Bridezilla (High Fructose Corn Syrup Verse #2)

AVRIL

Alright, it was starting to feel a little premature to say that I was feeling hopeful about this next date, but I was feeling hopeful about this next date.

He was kinda handsome this time—like he looked like he belonged on the set of a movie if you squinted.

At the very least, he could be one of the stunt-men.

Charlie’s bio sounded pretty normal. There wasn’t anything that struck me as a red flag—though there hadn’t been anything that struck me as a red flag in the bios of the other guys either.

I’m an adventurous guy, always up for trying out new places.

Looking for someone who loves to travel and would want to see the world with me.

Did I care about travelling? Not particularly.

Was the bio generic and safe? Yes. Which was exactly what I needed right now.

I got to The Thirsty Pearl and scanned the room to see if my favorite corner seat was available… only to see someone waving me over. I did a double-take.

Yes, that was my date… but he wasn’t alone.

Why did he have another woman with him?

Hesitantly, I walked over to the table, ignoring the instincts screaming at me to turn around, walk back out the door and chalk the night up to a disaster.

Maybe there was a reasonable explanation for this?

There was my date. But leaning against his shoulder and actually holding his hand was a woman in her early fifties with tightly permed hair, dark eyeliner, a green silk blouse and a triple-strand pearl necklace.

Before I even got a chance to introduce myself, she stared me up and down, sizing me up.

“Well, you certainly look pretty enough for my Charlie,” The woman said with a little sniff.

“Do you really think so? Could she be my little princess?” Charlie asked the woman, talking about me like I wasn’t even in the room.

My Charlie?

She was an older woman. Was this Charlie guy in a polyamorous relationship with a cougar?

I mean, I have nothing against poly relationships.

Obviously. I did grow up with two moms and six dads…

but springing it on me on a first date seemed really disingenuous—that’s something that we should have talked about ahead of time.

I mean, even though the pack dynamic worked out for my parents, didn’t mean that I’d already considered it for myself.

And why was I not getting a chance to meet Charlie on my own?

I felt like I was already in competition with this other woman.

Not wanting to make a scene, I sat down in the empty chair across from Charlie and the stranger.

Though every single fiber of my being screamed at me that this was a mistake and I should cut my losses, my butt was already in the chair.

Sitting gave me a sense of finality… it meant that I was officially on this date, trapped for an hour or more. There was no backing out now.

“You have decent-sized birthing hips.” The woman stared at my body like I was a piece of meat. “Perfect for making lots of grandchildren.”

Wait… birthing hips? Grandchildren?

Oh, okay. This was Charlie’s mother… aaaaand, for some reason it felt even worse that Charlie had brought his mother on a first date than if he had been trying to spring a polyamorous relationship on me.

This woman had just met me. Was she really already sizing me up as a potential incubator for her progeny? Was I nothing but a convenient little body to pass down her genetic material?

“How many grandbabies do you want, Mother Dear?” Charlie squeezed his mother’s hand.

“No less than three,” she said seriously, as if it were her choice and her decision. As if this was anywhere near an appropriate conversation to be having in front of someone they just met for the first time.

Oddly enough, this was too weird to make me mad. This didn’t feel real.

Never in my wildest scenarios of all the things that could go wrong, did I ever consider that a date would think that it would be a good idea to bring their fertility-obsessed mom.

Where would things even go from here? Would she be part of the honeymoon? Would she move into our house? Would she sleep in our bed, monitoring the two of us to make sure that we got a good start on making all of those grandchildren?

I doubted that this was the right way to approach this, but I figured since this was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to me, I might as well roll with it. I mean, for my own entertainment. I’d already decided I was going to never talk to him again after tonight.

“Hello, Charlie. I see that you and your mother are close. ” I was honestly a little unnerved by how close. Charlie’s mom was literally stroking his arm and giving him looks with stars in her eyes.

What was worse was that Charlie was treating it like this was totally normal.

“Yeah, it’s a bit of a red flag to me when people don’t have a good relationship with their parents.” Charlie said with a completely straight face.

His mother was still leaning against him, looking very smug and comfortable.

“I agree. I love both my moms. I think that I’d miss having them around. We should probably add on an addition to my families’ pack house, so we would never have to be away from them.”

Charlie frowned, clutching his mother’s hand tightly. “We’d have to work something out. But, I completely understand not wanting to move away from my Mother Dear.”

I nodded as if it was the best idea in the world for Charlie and his mother to both move in. None of this seemed co-dependent or out of the ordinary at all.

“Thank you for the compliment about the birthing hips.” I waved down in the general direction of my waist. I didn’t actually know what part of my hips were the birthing part.

“Well, I grew up with a big family, so I don’t think that it would be a good idea to have any less than fifteen children.

” I wonder how much crazy shit I could get away with saying before the two of them mentioned anything.

I don’t know why it was my personal goal during this date to out-crazy Charlie and his mom, but it definitely beat sitting there awkwardly.

“Did you say fifteen?” Charlie’s dear mother gave her son a look. It was honestly a tad pathetic that Charlie had to be physically alerted to the fact that what I said was a red flag. “We could certainly talk about that.”

“It would be irresponsible of me not to give my Mothers grandchildren—as many as possible. They deserve it,” I said solemnly.

Actually, Momma Rain sat me down and told me that I should always do what was best for me and my body and that I should never let anyone pressure me into having children if I didn’t want them.

There was no way that I was going to say something reasonable , like that.

Not on a date with Charlie and Mother Dearest.

“Do you know how to make an omelet?” Charlie’s mother smiled as if she were checking a mental list when I nodded.

“Good, you aren’t one of those deranged feminists.

I would hate to see someone who didn’t know how to care for him.

Charlie takes an omelet every day for breakfast, with finely chopped bell-peppers, sausage and cheddar cheese. With a light sprinkle of salt.”

“Feminism is a plague on society.” This was the craziest shit to ever come out of my mouth.

“Anyway, my goal in life is to become the perfect traditional wife. I am proficient in making twelve varieties of cheese. I have kept my sourdough starter alive for almost four years now, so I am pretty confident that I am ready. Of course, Charlie, it might be best for you to take on a second and third job now to help me pay for our fifteen children. Obviously, I will not be working if I am going to be homeschooling all of them.”

Charlie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “That seems like a lot of responsibility. I already have a lot on my plate with one job. I just got a promotion to floor manager.”

I shrugged. “You seem like the kind of man who will be able to make enough money to support a family.”

“There might be room for compromise here. Children are just so expensive, and fifteen is quite a lot. Maybe you could start with five or six, and see how things go from there.” Charlie’s mother chuckled, as if I weren’t serious.

I was dead serious about pretending to be dead serious.

“I thought that you said you wanted grandchildren?” I asked in my sweetest, most confused voice.

“Well, let’s think about this logistically.

Inflation has run amok, and groceries and all the things children need have just gotten so expensive.

It might be more realistic to think about having fewer children.

I could easily help out with taking care of the grandkids so that you could have your own career.

” Charlie’s mother already looked unsettled at the thought of managing all these hypothetical children.

I looked her dead in the eye as I lied my ass off.

“A real woman would never compete with her man financially. I know my place. How could I possibly make him the perfect omelet if I’m in the workplace?

I will need at least a couple of hours to stir and cook and wash the curds to make homemade cheese.

Not to mention the gardening time for bell peppers and all the chicken maintenance for fresh eggs.

I have researched this extensively. I cannot with a clear conscience waste my time at a corporate job.

There is just no way to adequately take care of my husband unless I am in the kitchen full-time, where I belong.

” The only reason I knew anything about cheese in the first place was because I had considered homemade cheese as a wedding favor, in that weird phase where I was exploring a cottage-core wedding.

Suddenly, I was glad that I had. The look on her face made it all worth it.

“I am honestly surprised that you would suggest that a man like Charlie should have less than ten children… with genes like that,” I gestured at his very average-looking physique, “he needs to pass them on.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think that this is going to work out for us,” Charlie’s mother sighed heavily.

“Oh.” Charlie looked a bit lost. He stared slack-jawed as his mother got to her feet, deciding for him that his date had come to an end.

I was vaguely curious if he had enough of a spine to stand up to her, but was ultimately unsurprised when he glumly followed her, getting to his feet as well.

“Sorry about this,” he muttered, without meeting my gaze.

As the two of them strode out of The Thirsty Pearl, I heard Mother Dear hiss in Charlie’s ears, “Don’t you worry, my precious boy. Mother will find you an even prettier girl. Someone who will know how to treat you like the King you are.”

“But Mother, I liked her .”

It was probably a bad thing that Charlie was so taken by this fake version of me that was just saying nonsense to scare his mother away.

But in all honesty, there was a part of me that was amused.

It wouldn’t hurt if the thought of me lingered in the back of his mind as this perfect girl who’d gotten away…

Maybe it would be good for him. Maybe it might give Charlie the push to someday, possibly, not take his mother along on his dates.

To let him sever the umbilical cord for an hour or so.

“I know my sweetest boy… but I don’t think it would have worked out. She seemed a little bit… crazy. A mother can always…” With that, the two of them were out the door. Guess I would never find out what a mother could always do.

I checked my watch. Seventeen minutes to scare them off.

Time-wise, this was a lot more efficient than some of the other dates I’d gone on.

Saying all that crazy nonsense was pretty relaxing—it felt liberating. It almost made going on this awful date worth it.

Almost.