Page 32 of Kiln Me Softly

‘I’m a shitty friend,’ Juniper murmured as they zig-zagged across campus.

Well, Aiden zigged while she zagged, barely able to walk in a straight line.

Her wan complexion broke up the darkness of the evening, and her breath fell from her in visible, jagged clouds that made Aiden anxious.

He was sure it was just a cold, a virus at worst, but with the disaster of the pit-fire, he wasn’t sure if she was completely okay – or, really, if she had been at all since she’d gotten back to London.

He didn’t know how to help her, either, not when she kept tearing her arm away and snapping that she was fine.

‘Don’t say that,’ he said, a little sterner than intended. ‘It was an accident. We’ve all made mistakes like that.’

She scoffed. ‘Yeah, right. Except you don’t. Nobody else, either. It’s always me who fucks everything up.’

He sighed, helping her up the steps as they reached Chaplin House.

It had a more Victorian air compared to the rest of campus, with red brick walls and a chimney rising from the second storey.

The door was a solid black arch, one Juniper struggled to open after scanning the ID on her lanyard, so he grabbed it for her quickly. ‘Again, not true.’

Though he could admit, disaster did seem to follow her wherever she went.

It was usually outweighed by other things, though: her humour, her rough edges and soft centre, her brilliant light.

He couldn’t quite describe it, which was probably why he sometimes tried to put it on paper instead.

She wasn’t necessarily warm or friendly like the people he’d dated before, but she didn’t need to be.

She was far more interesting, and far more frustrating, as she was.

Far more beautiful, too, at least until she sneezed into her sleeve.

No, his sleeve, because she was still wearing his coat. It hung off her shoulders and fell past her wrists, making her look even smaller than he was used to, and for a moment, he could almost convince himself that it meant something. That, the way he was hers, she was also his.

‘Remind me to burn that coat in the pit later.’ He followed her up the steps to the first floor.

As far as uni halls went, this place was pretty standard.

He’d stayed in something similar at Elmington in an attempt to make friends, and the echoing, narrow corridors and tiny ensuites had driven him mad.

‘Sorry,’ she said, sounding more congested than ever. Her teeth still chattered. ‘I’ll wash it at the laundrette.’

‘I was joking, Juni.’ When she wouldn’t look at him, he took her wrist and tugged her to face him. ‘Oi.’

‘What?’ she groaned, all glassy-eyed and hoarse.

‘It’s okay to fuck up. Cut yourself some slack. Tilly will forgive you.’

‘I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t.’ But he could tell her resolve had weakened by the way her eyes glistened as though she was about to cry. He hoped she didn’t. He wouldn’t know what to do, how to make it better, and he wanted to make it better.

She turned away from him and continued down the corridor, right to the end. ‘You can go back to your pit-fire now, anyway.’

‘No chance. Not until I know you’re all right.’

She huffed, rooting for her keys, and then stopped dead at her door. A yellow sign had been tacked there with a handwritten note.

Please report to the accommodations office at your earliest convenience.

‘Oh, god, no.’

‘That’s a bit ominous.’ He ripped the sign off to get a closer look, but all he could find was a strange illustration of what might have been a dog or a horse. ‘What’s this supposed to be? Is someone messing around with you?’

‘No. Maybe. I think that might be a hamster.’ Her hands shook as she turned the key, and Aiden frowned.

‘Why would someone draw a picture of a hamster?’

The door swung open, revealing a messy room strewn with clothes and textbooks on every available surface: navy carpet, the desk chair, the nightstands.

‘Fuck!’ Juniper trudged through her room, stopping at her surprisingly empty desk.

Alert, now, he scanned the room for some sign of an intruder.

‘How the fuck has someone raided your room?’ He nudged an empty packet of Space Raider crisps with his foot. ‘And why did they leave their rubbish?’

‘That’s my rubbish. My room looked like this before, which is why you’re not allowed in it. Get out!’

Well, that was a relief. Sort of. He didn’t budge, instead saying, ‘You know, I’m used to feeling quite confused around you, but you might have to fill me in this time.’

Defeated, she slumped onto a pile of library books stacked on her chair. ‘They found my hamster.’

‘Eh? Cerberus?’ Juniper had treated him to a picture of the little guy the other day. The hamster looked more like a tiny dormouse, but saying so had got him into trouble.

Her head fell into her hands and she gave a muffled hum of confirmation.

‘How did he even get here?’

She said something like, ‘I’muggled’im’na’ty’it.’

‘Pardon?’

She groaned and slapped her hands down on her thighs. ‘I smuggled him in a tiny bit.’

‘ What ? Pets aren’t allowed in halls!’

‘I know. That’s why the smuggling part was necessary.’ One of the books fell off the chair, and she made no move to pick it up, instead glaring at it like it was responsible for all of her woes.

Aiden could only shake his head in disbelief. ‘Why on earth would you do that?’

‘Because!’ She waved in exasperation. ‘My mum and dad wouldn’t look after him properly, and living here is kind of miserable! I couldn’t just leave him behind.’

‘So now you’re in trouble.’ He would have laughed if tears weren’t rolling down her cheeks. Instead, he perched on the edge of the bed, their knees clashing as he rolled the chair closer to him. It soon got caught on a pair of leggings. ‘You never fail to surprise me. You really don’t.’

‘It’s not funny.’ She pressed her palms into her eyes, but he tore them away quickly, pulling her closer.

‘I know. I’m not laughing. Yet. I might later, when we get Cerberus back.’

‘How?’ she whispered. ‘They won’t let him back into halls. They might kick me out for this. I’m already…’ She bit her lip suddenly and turned away.

‘Already what?’

‘Nothing. Failing, probably.’

‘Yeah, that top grade you got last semester is really the nail in the coffin,’ he retorted sarcastically.

And then he scanned the room as though he might find a solution to the problem under all the mess.

He wasn’t necessarily surprised by it – he wasn’t the tidiest himself – but it did make him feel overwhelmed in such a small space.

There was really only one thing he could think of, but that would require something he wasn’t sure he wanted.

And yet he’d do anything to help her, knowing that she must’ve felt pretty fucking shitty to let him see her like this.

He wiped the tears from her flushed cheeks with the pad of his thumb. ‘I’ll take care of Cerberus. He can stay with me until you can sort something out.’

She scoffed. ‘You hate him.’

‘I don’t hate him.’

‘You said he looks like a rat!’

‘A mouse. Mice are cute… to some people.’ He winced.

‘At least this way, you can come and see him anytime you want. He’ll be close by.

’ And that would mean her seeing him, too.

Not that that was on his mind. He definitely wasn’t using Cerberus to win over his owner.

That would be ridiculous and also selfish. And had he mentioned ridiculous?

She tilted her head, considering. The tears, at least, had stopped. ‘Why?’

Because it hurts to see you sad. ‘Because we can’t have Cerberus going back to Manchester where nobody will look after him, can we?’

‘I mean, why are you always so nice to me? I’m never nice to you.’

The question took him aback. He pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth, searching for an answer that wouldn’t give him and all his big, silly feelings for her away.

‘I wouldn’t say ‘never’. Just not often,’ he began softly.

‘Besides, maybe I don’t need you to be nice to me.

Everybody else is only nice to me because they want something from me – or, usually, my dad.

They use me because they think my name, my family, my money, can benefit them.

I’d rather be around you. You don’t use me.

I know exactly where I stand with you. You see through all the bullshit, Juni. ’

Her throat bobbed, and it took him a moment to realise that the sudden warmth in his hands belonged to her. For once, he hadn’t been the one to reach out.

She looked down at their joined palms like she’d never seen them before, lids pink and lips chapped. Even like this, she was beautiful. Especially like this, because it was real. She wasn’t hiding.

Finally, she could see him for what he was, and it felt like the chains around him had finally split.

‘You’d really take care of Cerberus?’ she asked quietly. ‘You’d really do that for me?’

‘I think you know I’d probably do anything for you. Within reason, so don’t get any ideas.’

A laugh croaked from her, and the pressure in his chest eased. He’d done his job, made things right.

Somehow, it made him feel more accomplished than any degree or award.

From what Aiden could hear through the door, Juniper received a stern telling off from the inspections officer, but thankfully nothing more than a warning that this was her ‘first strike.’ With Cerberus’s cage in his arms, they took a cab to his house, Juniper insisting that she oversaw the settling in before she left.

Which left him here, on his doorstep, nervous in a way that felt silly because it was her first time visiting.

He’d offered for her to come here after the museum trip, but it seemed as though Juniper had been trying not to cross that boundary, and he wouldn’t force her.

He supposed he owed Cerberus a thank you, though it was difficult to appreciate the little ball of fluff when his sawdust smelled a bit like wee.

‘Can you grab my keys?’ he asked, turning to offer his back pocket.