Page 51 of Keeping Kasey (Love and Blood #3)

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Kasey

When I get to the dining room, the table is set, and almost everyone is sitting.

Damon nods to the empty seat beside him, and I take it, even though it puts Elise at my other side.

The only good thing about the seating arrangement is that Logan is on the other side of the table, out of my direct eye line.

Light chatter and classical music fill the room, and while it’s better than silence, the atmosphere buzzes with an unsettling energy, and I’m not under any illusions as to why.

I don’t belong here.

It’s so blatantly, embarrassingly obvious, too.

Aside from the occasional kind smile from Elise and Rachel, no one acknowledges my presence.

It’s preferable to conversing, but not by much.

Sitting here, watching this family talk and laugh without a care in the world, is a form of torture. It’s being forced to take in everything I’ve never had and will never have.

And it makes the bite of loneliness that much more chilling.

“Next year, we’re hosting,” Damon says, and I pay attention to the conversation for the first time all night. He nods to the kids, who share a coloring book at the end of the table, oblivious to the rest of the world. “Depriving those children of a white Christmas is abuse.”

Rachel rolls her eyes. “I’ve never had snow on Christmas, and I turned out just fine.”

“Debatable,” Damon says with a shrug, pointing to Ryder. “You did end up with him .”

Ryder flips him off.

“Do you know how rare it is that it actually snows on Christmas here?” Elise asks. “It’s just cold and gloomy. At least in LA, we can take a walk on the beach.”

“I’m with Damon on this one,” James says, leaning back in his seat. “You guys are coming here next year.”

Elise crosses her arms over her chest. “That just means you’re coming to us for Thanksgiving.”

“So many damn holidays,” Moreno mutters.

“What did you do for Christmas, Kasey?” Elise asks, a kind smile on her face.

The lighthearted mood disappears the second I’m brought into the mix—as if I needed the reminder that I do not belong.

But she asked, so I might as well tell the truth.

“I figured you guys would be too busy celebrating the holiday to hunt me down, so I planned to take a bus from Little Rock to Fort Smith. Before I could get on the bus, I was mugged and left for dead in an alley with a sprained wrist and a concussion. But I’m so glad to hear you all enjoyed walking on the beach. ”

The collective hush over the room is heavy, but none of them feels the weight more than I do.

How dare they sit here and pretend all is well with us?

The men’s expressions remain perfectly composed—a look I’m sure they’ve perfected through the years. The girls have the decency to convey something like regret.

But it’s not their reactions I need to see.

I meet Logan’s gaze, and though it bears some of the neutral mask I despise, there’s a break of sober understanding, like maybe he really does grasp the weight of what I’ve been through.

But even that can’t fix anything.

“You know what?”—I push away from the table and stand—“I’ve lost my appetite.”

I walk out of the house and take the steps from the manor as fast as I can without slipping. A half-snow, half-rain mixture freezes me to the bone within seconds, but I don’t slow down. I have no idea what my plan is, but I’m too mad to stop and figure it out.

Hell, at this rate, I’ll walk back to the hotel.

The door opens and closes, but I don’t turn to see the owner of the pattering footsteps following mine.

“I’m not going back inside.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Logan answers.

I stop at the sound of his tone—calm and professional—but don’t turn to face him. I drop my head back and stare at the sky like something up there can explain how my life got so screwed up.

But the starless sky just stares back, as dark, empty, and aimless as I am.

“You are the last person I want to talk to,” I say.

He stops, still several feet from me, by the sound of it.

“I know.”

“Then why are you here? Why am I here?”

“I don’t know.”

The three words are said simply—like he truly doesn’t have an explanation for bringing me with him tonight.

“I’ll take you back to the hotel.”

“I’d rather walk in the freezing rain than spend another second with you,” I seethe.

“I’ll get Elise to take you back,” he offers, and it’s the complete indifference in his voice that does it—that finally breaks me.

“You’re a bastard!” I cry as I whip around. My hair sticks to my face from the sleet, and I close the distance between us to shove him as hard as I can.

He doesn’t say anything, so I shove him again.

“You have nothing to say to that? I thought you were man enough to fight back!” I shout, desperate for his anger to match mine.

But there’s only one emotion on his face now, and it’s the worst possible one he could’ve shown.

Pity.

The sight is humiliating, fueling me with enough anger for the both of us.

I shove him again, harder this time. “Fight back, you coward!”

He shakes his head.

“Fight back!” I slam my fist against his chest over and over again. “Fight back! Fight back !”

“I won’t fight you,” he says in a low, even tone.

I beat against his chest, his stomach, his arms—anywhere I can hit him, hurt him.

“Fight back!” I shout over and over again until my throat is raw.

“I’m not going to fight you, Kasey,” he says, but when I look into his eyes, I catch the briefest flame.

“Why not?”

I swing to hit him again, but right before I make contact, Logan catches my wrists, imprisoning them in one hand.

“Because I deserve it!”

The mask cracks.

The walls crumble.

Every defense Logan has set up between us comes crashing down all at once.

“ I deserve it —all of it. Is that what you want to hear? That I screwed everything up because I was angry at myself for letting my guard down? That I was ashamed because, for the first time in my life, I let myself want something? Because I wanted you, Kasey. I wanted you more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, and you left .”

“You think I wanted to?” I bite out, trying to rip my hands from his hold, but he digs his fingers in harder. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done!”

“Then why the hell did you do it?”

“You didn’t give me a choice!”

“The one time you do what you’re told,” he growls.

I try to jerk my leg up to knee him, but he positions one leg between mine, pulling my hands against his chest so I have no leverage to knee him again.

I writhe against him and let out a strangled scream. “Was I supposed to believe that you weren’t going to kill me?”

“You were supposed to believe in me !” he yells. “Do you really believe I ever could’ve hurt you?”

“ All you’ve done is hurt me!”

Pain slices across Logan’s face, and I wish I could take the words back, if only to bring back his anger.

I can’t handle his quiet apathy—not now.

Logan releases me, turns his back, and steps away. The distance is colder than the rain, and far less forgiving. The hollowness it leaves inside me is as painful as it is pitiful.

He shakes his head, bringing his hands up and lacing them behind his neck as he draws in deep breaths.

The desire to hit him again wars with every cell in my body that urges me to fall into his arms.

I’ve never felt this way before. Wanting— needing —something that has brought me nothing but pain. I should see the destruction this man brings and run the other way.

I shouldn’t crave being the center of it.

Logan’s arms fall to his sides as he turns, and there’s no sign of the dreaded apathy. In its place is a fervent sincerity that burns me from the inside out the moment our eyes meet. It’s a gaze haunted by regret, what-ifs, and something that looks dangerously like defeat.

He closes the distance between us in slow, deliberate steps.

“I deserve it,” he says. “Your anger, your hate, all of it. I was in love with you, Kasey. I loved you, and I lost you when all I ever wanted to do was keep you .”

I was in love with you.

Was.

“I’ll take your hate,” he says on a broken sigh, “because I don’t deserve anything more, and I’m too selfish to take nothing at all.”

Hot tears stream down my face, freezing on my cheeks in the brutal winter night.

I’m not sure if I stepped into Logan’s embrace or if he guided me there, but in an instant, I’m cradled against his chest. His arms tighten around me, and it’s the first time in months I’ve felt any semblance of peace—of home .

And that simple fact breaks my heart all over again.

“I loved you too,” I manage through the sobs.

“I know, beautiful,” he whispers into my hair before kissing my forehead softly. “I know.”