Page 79 of Keeping Her Under

“There’s no judgement here,” she says.

But there will be. Because every time we read a dark romance, I get excited when the man rapes his woman. I want to read a book full of just that, but how can I say that after what I’ve done to her? She will think that’s what I want to do…

Even though I don’t.

She might’ve forgotten what I did to her in the warehouse carpark –the first two weeks of her coma recovery lost in her memories– but I haven’t. She might’ve forgiven me after I reminded her of that and told her about my other sins, but I don’t.

I raped her.

Her forgiveness will not absolve me of that guilt. It will not rewrite history. It will not suddenly make it acceptable, just a footnote in a man’s history.

I. Raped. Her.

But now I want to read about it… Why?

So I can jerk myself off while she sleeps?

I’m nothing but a disgusting piece of shit.

“Hey…” she says, bringing my hand to her breast. Right over her heart. “Talk to me.”

“I…” I swallow hard as I stare into her eyes. Will she accept me if I tell her? Will she reject me? Run from me? My cock starts to rise at the feel of her flesh flush against my palm.

Struggling to control myself, I try to move my hand away, but she tugs me closer.

“Stop,” I say. My heart races. The smell of beer and weed fills my nose as I remember all the times I screamed that word. The sound of slapping hips.

She lets go of me instantly, and I jerk to my feet. My hands clench with the need to release my rage. I reach down to grab her plate so I can hurry away with an excuse, but she stops me.

Not physically. But with one terrifying sentence.

“I’m ready for you to make love to me.”

I shake my head, tossing the violent storm within me side-to-side until it’s raging in my ears. “I’ll hurt you.”

“You won’t.”

“I need you to be unconscious.”

“Can you tie me up instead?”

I hesitate, thinking about her being awake but unable to touch me. She stands up and moves over to the sex swing. She holds my eyes as she strips off her clothes.

My cock hardens. “No. It’s too dangerous.”

“You won’t hurt me.”

“I will when they’re inside of me!” I snap as I bang a hand against my head. “When I can feel their hands across my skin.” I claw at my arms. “Smell their breath and the sweat of our bodies. The cum…”

I take a step back. She sits down on the swing and spreads her legs. “Let me take care of you like you’ve taken care of me.”

“I raped you,” I rasp.

“Lance raped me,” she says. “He beat the shit out of me and made sure it hurt. But I’m starting to remember bits and pieces from the hospital. The words you said to me while you made love to me.”

I shake my head. “It was still rape.”

“It was,” she agrees. “But I forgive you.”