Page 16 of Journey To Sunrise (Protectors of Jasper Creek #6)

“I can't.” Evie's voice cracked. “Don't you think I know? Don't you think I lie awake every night knowing that if it wasn't for me, you never would have been taken? That you never would have been...” She couldn't finish the sentence.

More water spilled as my hands started shaking harder. “Don't.”

“I should have found another way. I should have been smarter, faster, something . I should have been able to keep you safe.” Tears were streaming down Evie's face now. “I failed you in every way that mattered.”

“It's not your fault.” The words felt like glass in my throat.

“Yes, it is.”

“It's not!” But even as I said it, something dark and ugly reared up inside my chest. “But?—”

“But you blame me anyway.” Evie's voice was barely a whisper. “You hate me for it.”

The bowl slipped from my nerveless fingers, crashing to the floor in an explosion of ceramic and water. The sound seemed to break something open inside me.

“I have hated you!” The words exploded out of me like a dam bursting.

“I've hated you so much I couldn't breathe!

I've hated you for not knowing, for not stopping it, for not being perfect and brilliant and fixing it!” I was sobbing now, the words coming in ragged gasps.

“And then I hated myself for hating you because I know it's not your fault, but I can't stop! I can't make it stop!”

I sank to my knees in the puddle of water and broken ceramic, my whole body shaking. “I've been so angry, Evie. At you, at me, at God, at everyone. And I don't know how to stop being angry. I don't know how to forgive you for something that isn't even your fault!”

Evie knelt beside me, not caring about the water soaking through her jeans. “Oh, baby...”

“I'm so sorry.” I couldn't look at her. “I'm so messed up. I know you would have saved me if you could. I know that. But my brain doesn't care what I know. It just keeps screaming that you should have done something, anything , and?—”

“Chloe, look at me.” Evie's hands were on my face, forcing me to meet her eyes. “Do you think I care if you hate me? Do you honestly think that matters to me even a little bit?”

I stared at her through my tears.

“The only thing that matters, the only thing, is that you're here. That you're breathing. That you're fighting.” Her voice was fierce now. “You can hate me for the rest of your life if that's what it takes for you to heal. I don't care. I just need you to be okay.”

“But I don't want to hate you,” I whispered. “I'm so tired of being angry all the time.”

“Then don't be.” She pulled me into her arms, and for the first time in months, I let her. “Be angry when you need to be. Hate me when you have to. But don't you dare apologize for surviving.”

I buried my face in her shoulder and cried until I had nothing left. When I finally pulled back, I felt hollow but somehow lighter, like I'd been carrying a weight I didn't even know was there.

“I missed you,” I admitted, my voice raw.

“I missed you too.” She brushed the hair back from my face, her fingers gentle on my scar. “And for the record? I haven't been able to eat a cheeseburger since you stopped talking to me. Just hamburgers. What's the point without cheese?”

Despite everything, I found myself smiling. “Cheese is life.”

“Dude, are you going to get that?”

I turned to see what Drake was talking about, and realized that Zarek was looking at his buzzing phone. Seeing the strained look on his face, I realized something was wrong.

“What is it?”

“I have to go. We have a big one. This is my day on duty—I need to get back to the station house.” He gave Drake a significant look.

“I’ve got her, man. Do what you need to do.”

“How bad is it?” I asked.

He glanced at his phone. “There are multiple stations involved. I’ll know more when I get to the scene. I’ll only be able to text you the one time.” I could hear the pain in his voice.

I shook my head. “It’s okay, it’s the job, I understand.” And I did. I fucking hated it, but I did.

He strode over to me and cupped my cheek. “It’s a big one, so we’ll be hitting hit hard right from the get-go. It might be out real quick.” I covered his hand and held it tightly against me. His fingers spasmed.

“We’re coming with you. We can watch from a safe distance,” Evie said decisively.

I shook my head. “That’s not how it works. Zarek showed me how to use the scanner and gave me the code. We can keep up to date with that.” I bit my lip.

“Yeah, but then we can’t see what’s going on,” Evie protested.

“You’ll use the scanner.” Zarek’s tone brooked no argument.

“He’s right.” Drake chimed in.

Evie glared at the two men, but she knew that she’d lost the battle.

All through Evie’s mini-tirade, I’d been looking up at Zarek, holding onto him.

“Come back to me,” I finally whispered hoarsely.

“Always.”

A horn honked outside. He used his other hand to tip up my chin.

“I’m coming back safe and sound. We’ve got unfinished business.

” He gently pressed his lips to mine. My flesh melted, my bones seared, and my hair caught on fire.

The man could kiss. My eyes were still closed and I felt the smile on my face when he whispered in my ear.

“I have something important to tell you when I get back.”

My eyes popped open to look into his jade-green ones.

I was a molten puddle on the floor and I didn’t have the wherewithal to respond. He gave me a heart-stopping grin, then was gone.

“Earth to Chloe.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been standing there looking at the door for three minutes. Are you sure you’re better? I’m thinking you might have some new symptoms, like the kissing disease. Are you suffering from Zarek cooties?”

I shot my sister the bird.

Drake laughed. “Is there anything to drink in the house?”

“Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge.”

“Evie, want to help me make something for dinner?” Drake asked.

“We could order pizza,” I said.

“That is not healthy,” Drake admonished.

“She needs to gain weight,” Evie reminded him. “Look at her. She’s still skin and bones.”

I flinched and hunched over.

“Way to go, Evie.” Drake came over and put his arm around me. “You look gorgeous. You always stood out as the most attractive Avery girl.”

Evie and I laughed. It was an old joke since all of us Avery girls looked alike. Then there was the fact that Zoe and I were identical.

“I vote for pizza too. Extra cheese,” Evie chimed in. Drake looked thoughtful, then turned to me. “Is there someplace local, not a chain?”

“What changed your mind, big guy?”

“Karen’s not around. I’m being supportive to her nutritional needs right now, so we’re eating healthy things. But yeah, if we could order pizza, a steak, a fully loaded baked potatoes, some chicken wings and ice cream, I’m in.”

My stomach growled. I wasn’t sure if it was in hunger or protest.

“Zarek keeps menus in a drawer in the kitchen.”

“Oh yeah, Chinese food too,” Drake mentioned.

Evie rolled her eyes.

I jogged over to Zarek’s office and got the scanner and brought it back to the kitchen. Maybe now I could eat something.