Page 45 of Jillian’s Wild Heart (Ladies of Munro #4)

“A bsolutely not! I simply do not belong there.”

Ellena bounced Christopher on her knee with some agitation.

He gurgled and flexed his small fists open into gleeful stars.

“Hossie!” he cried, something he had taken to doing whenever he rode upon his mother’s knees.

It was no surprise that this had been his first word since he loved to visit the stables at Munro House and pat the muscled backs of the more patient steeds when his parents held him up to them.

Ellena’s frown disappeared at once, replaced by a maternal smile and cooing encouragement. “Yes. Horsie. Clip-clop. Clip-clop.” She added a fair attempt at a neigh and pulled back on invisible reins. “Whoa there, horsie.”

“Hossie!” cried the delighted little boy again, and his mother obliged immediately by resuming the energetic bounce. The chair creaked beneath the ungainly activity, but Ellena did not seem to mind. Jillian knew her friend was determined to be a different sort of parent than her own had been.

“Fine,” said Jilly. “Don’t come to the roof-wetting.

I’ll take Wallace. And I’ll add a footman for good measure.

You know, to fend off all the men who would tarnish my reputation.

” She waited for Ellena to smile at her little joke.

But no smile was forthcoming. “Thomas is going,” she added.

“He will do nicely. I’m sure they would both love a night of capering with the locals. ”

“You really shouldn’t be going, either,” warned Ellena. “You are no longer one of them, Jilly.”

Jillian folded her arms across her chest. “Am I to throw away a lifetime of friendships because I married Lewis?”

“No, but these friends of yours cannot help a lifetime of trained thought, either. You are now one of the mistresses in their eyes. Someone to treat with solemn respect. Just because you haven’t changed does not mean you are the same, as far as they are concerned.”

“But Thomas was the one who suggested I join them! And Mr. Boyd has promised me the first dance. They don’t seem to share your dull concerns.”

Ellena pursed her lips. The bouncing stopped and little Christopher turned and looked expectantly at his mother. “Jilly, you know I love you…”

“Oh, dear.” Jilly rolled her eyes. “This sounds like the beginning of a lecture.”

“I’m sorry to say, but we do need to have a serious talk.”

“All right. Get it over with. Christopher is getting bored and so am I.”

Ellena drew her son up into her arms and stood quickly. She walked to the door and, pulling it open, gestured to the footman outside. “Take him to his nurse, please. I will fetch him again in a little while.”

Empty-handed, Ellena returned to her chair.

She clasped her palms together, interlacing her fingers.

“Jilly,” she began. “I can never thank you enough for offering me your wonderful, wild heart when I needed relief from the constraints of my childhood. The ease with which you moved through the world showed me it was possible to breathe more deeply, even when the pressure of so much expectation sat as a weight upon my chest. Honestly, if not for you, I would have been a shadow of myself. Rather like my mother…” She paused to steady herself.

“You must therefore understand that I would never want to change you.”

“However…” said Jilly, a wry smile flitting across her mouth.

“Yes, well…” Ellena stumbled in her little speech. “It wouldn’t be a serious talk if there weren’t a ‘however.’”

“Out with it, then.”

“I’m trying!” Ellena retorted. “Being the voice of reason is not a role I relish, you know.”

Jillian waited in silence. Anything she said now would only make it harder for her friend. The sooner they had their talk, the sooner she could get back to organizing the necessities that made it possible for her to attend the country dance. For go she would.

“I understand Mr. Boyd is an old friend…”

The mention of the man caught Jillian off-guard. What did he have to do with anything?

“One of many friends here in Ermenbrough,” she replied.

“And yet he is the one with whom you spend most of your time.”

A twinge of guilt pinched Jilly’s heart.

Nothing untoward had happened. But, yes, she had savored his company.

It was safe, for she would never betray Lewis, and Simon Boyd was far too noble to consider such a thing.

Still, time with him had been a pleasure.

A revisiting of her earlier life with its freedoms and ease.

A life she did not currently enjoy with Lewis.

Even the promised dance with him had nothing to do with some sort of private affection.

Mr. Boyd was a means to an end. A gateway to an evening of laughter and fun.

Jilly shrugged. “Everyone has employment that occupies them by day. I have been banned from the kitchen in both your home at Munro House and at Oakwoods, so I have obediently refrained from venturing into the one at Trenton Grange. But Mr. Boyd allows me—and, more recently, Wallace—to tag along with him on his rounds. I’m gaining valuable insights into the running of your neighbor’s estate, something I can share with Lewis.

I have not been an absent friend, have I?

My morning circuit with Mr. Boyd has not prevented me from spending time with you in the afternoon. ”

“I do not feel neglected, Jilly. But you must understand that your regular visits with an unmarried gentleman, even when the circumstances are clearly innocent, are not… How shall I put this?”

“Appropriate? Respectable? Sanctioned by society? Go on, take your pick. Add your voice to everyone else’s.

” Jilly’s lips grew tight. “I had hoped that Ermenbrough would be the one place I could be myself. I have taken precautions that my actions might be deemed acceptable, but I seem doomed to failure.”

Ellena leaned toward her friend, a hand on her knee.

“I do see you trying, Jilly dearest. You have shown commendable restraint in avoiding the kitchen and not running barefoot through my father’s garden.

I have seen you resist the urge to chat with the servants when they are going about their tasks.

” She leaned back, signaling the end to her encouragement.

“But the regularity of your visits with Mr. Boyd has not shown equal discernment. As for tonight’s roof-wetting of the barn, how did it come about that he should promise you the first dance?

Do you not see that such conversation straddles the boundary of propriety? ”

“He is showing me a kindness as a friend! It is because everything here is topsy-turvy and not as I left it and I cannot get my bearings that I have worried people might not know if they should dance with me or not. Mr. Boyd is willing to set the example so that others may follow and I do not end up spending the night watching everything from some sad corner.”

Ellena considered her finely groomed fingernails in silence.

Perhaps they were a reminder of her status.

Perhaps she simply couldn’t look Jillian in the eye.

“I am so sorry that everything has become such a struggle for you.” Her tone was soft.

Her gaze, as it lifted, was almost mournful.

“These were the very difficulties I feared for you when you chose to marry Lewis. And I have no cure for what troubles you. I can only say that it is not such a terrible affliction as you deem it. A challenge, certainly, but it is not all doom and gloom to give up some freedoms for happiness.”

“I’ve never heard such nonsense!” Jillian blurted out. “My freedoms are my happiness! Stifle them and I am no longer me . How can I be content when I am not myself?”

Ellena bit down on her lip. “Jilly, I am sure you will agree that you are more ‘yourself’ than most people. You have known a very unburdened childhood and no sorrow at all. You have been able to enjoy a carefree existence, and that has been an enormous privilege. But did you really imagine the rest of life would require nothing of you? All these friends from your youth have found satisfaction in humble work and clear boundaries. They have not bewailed their circumstances a tenth as much as you. Quite frankly,” said Ellena, the pitch of her voice rising, “if you do not stop acting quite so spoiled, I shall be very disappointed, indeed.”

The bluntness of Ellena’s speech hit Jillian squarely in the gut. What a terrible thing to say! And from her best friend!

“Perhaps I should stay with my parents, after all.” She sniffed. “Then I do not risk offending your sensibilities.”

All softness fell from Ellena’s face. “You would shun my family and inconvenience your own just to avoid taking a good, hard look at yourself? Fie on you, Jilly! I thought more of you than that.”

Jillian sat primly, her indignation puffing up until it flowed over into speech.

“Well, you are just the last in a long line of people who deem me a disappointment. Apparently, it is a cardinal sin to be true to oneself. But I shan’t kneel to any such bullying.

” She rose with a jolting suddenness and whipped around to make for the door.

“Jillian, wait!” Ellena cried. “If you don’t listen, things might well end very badly for you. You can never be happy in your life with Lewis if you do not allow for some change. What you are clinging to is a childish dream when you could have the real thing.”

Jillian stopped with her hand upon the doorknob. She turned slowly, rebellion burning within her. “My unhappiness has nothing to do with a lack of realism. I am disappointed with Lewis because he broke promises he had made. And he wanted me to be the only one who compromised.”