Page 7 of It Taught Me to Hope

A fter a long night in which she obtained little sleep, Elizabeth awoke the morning following the party at Lucas Lodge feeling out of sorts. The daily tasks of the estate beckoned, and she set to them, hoping to divert her thoughts from the events of the previous evening and the shock of Mr. Darcy’s sudden appearance. In this, it was fortunate that Elizabeth did not need to travel the estate that morning, for the distraction occasioned by what had occurred the previous night coupled with her lack of sleep might have ended with her falling from her horse into the nearest ditch. Either that or allowing her horse to carry her from Meryton to Kent without Elizabeth seeing a hint of the passing scenery.

After some time of struggling through tasks that were not urgent to which she paid only the barest heed, she sighed and left the study for the sitting-room, knowing that Charlotte would visit before long. Mrs. Hill, the excellent woman that she was, noted Elizabeth’s lethargy and provided a tea service without Elizabeth calling for one, a welcome bit of refreshment for which Elizabeth offered her profuse thanks. As Mrs. Hill had served under Mrs. Bennet for many years, it was not surprising she knew Elizabeth as well as she did and had learned to read her employers’ moods and needs.

With a cup of steaming tea in hand, Elizabeth sat back in her chair and considered the previous evening, knowing she would not find peace until she reflected and came to some conclusions. Time and experience had taught her greater rationality when it pertained to Mr. Darcy, and this served her in good stead that morning.

The first and most important point to consider was the reason for the gentleman’s sudden appearance. After his proposal and subsequent retreat from the parsonage that fateful April morning, the certainty that Mr. Darcy would consider himself fortunate to have escaped her had ruled her thoughts, and the subsequent years in which she had seen no trace of the gentleman had proven her supposition. Why he had come now, after six years of separation, was beyond her ability to comprehend.

The only reason Elizabeth could imagine after considering the matter for some time was that the gentleman still wished to pursue her. That explanation seemed fanciful, for six years apart was an excessive amount of time to maintain a tender regard—surely even the most fanatical obsession must crumble to dust after so long.

Try as she might, Elizabeth could think of no other reason for the gentleman’s appearance. Through her observation of Mr. Darcy’s behavior those weeks he had stayed at Netherfield with Mr. Bingley, and confirmed by his words in Kent, Elizabeth knew he had possessed no great opinion of the neighborhood sufficient to induce him to visit again. To proceed so far as to lease an estate in the neighborhood to be readmitted to the company of people he had disdained was nonsensical unless he had some purpose in mind. This returned Elizabeth to the notion of his continuing to harbor a tender regard for her. Least of all did she suspect him of admiration for anyone else.

In this, Elizabeth did not suppose her judgment of the gentleman was harsh. Propriety’s rules dictated that a man rejected would not further importune the woman and would take himself from her company, and in this, Mr. Darcy had behaved as scrupulously proper as she might have expected. Add that consideration to the time that had passed, and Elizabeth did not suppose she was wrong to assume she would never see him again, regardless of his character or anything else she had judged.

Where did that leave her? With a headache and no means of deciphering this mystery. The only clarity she could imagine was for Mr. Darcy to state his reasons for returning without disguise. The notion appealed to Elizabeth, for she did not wish to remain in suspense. Their interactions the previous evening had been civil, the gentleman offering her every courtesy in his power to give, his comfort in her company far exceeding that of anyone else.

The question of what to make of it if he declared his continued interest in her Elizabeth pushed to the side as something to consider when she must. Should he appear at Longbourn that very morning declaring his undying love and begging her to accept him, there was no other response she could offer except to refuse him, though without the rancor that had characterized her previous rejection. Again, time had taught her to think better of him, and in particular, his letter had done much to soften her opinion. That did not equal the love in her heart which was a prerequisite for her acceptance of any proposal.

While Elizabeth was engaged in her thoughts, the bell rang, announcing Charlotte’s visit as she had expected. Charlotte came into the room on Mrs. Hill’s heels, a cheery greeting for the out-of-sorts Elizabeth, who looked at her friend with reproach, knowing the reason for Charlotte’s good spirits. Charlotte noted this at once and descended into mirth.

“Oh, Lizzy! If only you could see your face at this moment, I know you would laugh.”

“Perhaps I would,” chuckled Elizabeth, unable to resist the infectious nature of her friend’s humor. “Yet I will not recant, for I am still put out with you for not informing me of Mr. Darcy’s presence.”

“If there is offense to exchange, I possess the greater share. I suspect that more happened between you and Mr. Darcy when you stayed in Kent than I am aware. If I was not so certain of our friendship, I might wonder why you did not share it with me, your most particular friend.”

Elizabeth sighed and sat again, offering her friend a cup of tea, using the excuse of fixing it to Charlotte’s liking to order her thoughts. That Charlotte regarded her did not escape Elizabeth’s notice, nor did the intensity of her friend’s analysis. In the end, there was nothing for Elizabeth to do except to offer her friend the truth, little though she had ever thought she would need to be explicit.

“Come, Lizzy,” said Charlotte when Elizabeth continued to dither. “As I have now visited you again with nary a return in civility, you cannot refuse to assuage my curiosity.”

“I suppose you must have it,” was Elizabeth’s grudging reply, “though I would love nothing better than to leave you stewing in retaliation for your betrayal last night.”

“That will never do. Come, Lizzy, I suspect you will feel better when you unburden yourself. I am pleased to listen to your troubles.”

Of troubles she had nothing to complain, for the matter of Mr. Darcy and his proposal was in the past, regardless of what he now meant to do. There was no reason to keep the event secret any longer, except perhaps to prevent her mortification.

“Charlotte, do you recall the day you and Mr. Collins visited Rosings for tea when I begged off because of a headache?”

“How could I forget?” was Charlotte’s wry reply. “Mr. Collins grumbled the entire distance of our walk to Rosings, either about the possible offense to Lady Catherine because of your absence or Lady Catherine’s diatribes about punctuality.”

Elizabeth regarded her friend with no little curiosity. “As I recall, Mr. Collins had no concerns about my absence when you departed.”

“The closer we came to Rosings, the more he fretted.”

The wryness in Charlotte’s voice struck Elizabeth as amusing. Charlotte had possessed little respect for Mr. Collins’s capabilities, unsurprising as Elizabeth had espoused similar opinions. In the end, Elizabeth suspected she had grown to tolerate him more, perhaps possessing a hint of mild though exasperated fondness for him, though Charlotte had never spoken to confirm her conjecture.

“Mr. Collins’s foibles aside,” replied Elizabeth, returning to her tale, “do you recall that Mr. Darcy was also not in attendance?”

As if she had never considered the connection before, Charlotte’s eyes widened in shock. “For a few moments after our arrival, he was there, though he excused himself soon thereafter. Lady Catherine was most put out with him for his incivility.”

“Yes,” murmured Elizabeth. “I can imagine the lady’s annoyance.”

The surprise in Charlotte’s manner soon gave way to calculation, colored by a hint of demand. “The trajectory of your tale suggests that Mr. Darcy was with you during that time.”

“That he was.” Elizabeth paused, unable to repress the sardonic amusement welling up within her. “It was no less a shock for me to see him enter the parlor at the parsonage than it was for Lady Catherine to see her favorite nephew excuse himself when she had company.”

“Lizzy,” said Charlotte, showing exaggerated patience, “if you do not come to the point, I shall be most put out with you!”

“Even now, several years later, there remains a trace of Lady Catherine’s imperious manners in you!”

The laughter that swelled Elizabeth’s breast helped ease her fraught emotions, though Charlotte did not appreciate the joke. Gaining control over herself, Elizabeth reached out and patted her friend’s hand, a promise to assuage her curiosity.

“When Mr. Darcy entered, he seemed agitated, though I had no notion what was wrong with him. Imagine my amazement and chagrin when he blurted out a proposal for my hand in marriage.

“What an odious proposal it was!” exclaimed Elizabeth to Charlotte’s stupefaction. “The gentleman spoke of his ardent love and admiration, but in the next sentence, he related his fight to overcome his natural distaste for gaining such connections as mine. He dwelt long and eloquently on the sense of mortification for his feelings the occasion of his marriage to me would provoke, assuring me that he had overcome every objection and wished for nothing more than to have my acceptance.”

Charlotte blew out a breath and regained a little of her equilibrium. “Then you refused him. You must have, for you are yet single, and I know your character enough to suppose you would not accept so faulty a proposal as that Mr. Darcy offered.”

“I might question your sanity if you supposed I considered accepting for even an instant,” retorted Elizabeth. “In this, Mr. Darcy’s timing was spectacularly bad, for that was the worst day for a proposal.”

At Charlotte’s questioning look, Elizabeth explained. “Earlier that day while walking the grounds of Rosings, I chanced upon Colonel Fitzwilliam.”

“Yes, I recall him escorting you to the parsonage.”

Elizabeth nodded. “The colonel told me a most interesting story concerning his cousin, and though he treated it as an amusing but inconsequential tale, it was of supreme interest to me. You see, he mentioned how Mr. Darcy had boasted about saving a dear friend from the ‘inconvenience of a most imprudent marriage.’ Those were his words, Charlotte, for they are imprinted upon my mind; I could never forget them.”

A wince was Charlotte’s response, knowing of Elizabeth’s character and how she would have responded.

“Yes, my friend, you are correct. Since then when I considered the subject, I concluded that Mr. Darcy never spoke in such a way to boast, and Colonel Fitzwilliam embellished upon the tale. At the time I will own that I was furious.”

“Why, Lizzy?” asked Charlotte. “The colonel was a great talker, as I recall, but how did you come to such a conclusion?”

“For reasons I will explain in a moment.”

Elizabeth considered what she had said and then continued the tale. “As you might expect, my refusal became an argument, and when Mr. Darcy challenged me, I lost no time in explaining my reasons for my refusal.”

“The slight at the assembly was when you first became opposed to him.”

“I hope you do not consider me so vain as that,” laughed Elizabeth. “No, Charlotte, I did not speak of the slight. My charges concerned two subjects: the first was Mr. Darcy’s actions to separate Mr. Bingley from Jane, and the second was his behavior toward poor Mr. Wickham !”

The sarcasm Elizabeth injected into her voice at the mention of the libertine spoke to the self-reproach she still felt when she considered how she had taken Mr. Wickham’s words without guile and recalled how she had behaved as a trusting girl of twelve rather than a woman full-grown. Charlotte understood this and nodded, but did not respond, allowing Elizabeth to continue her narrative.

“Mr. Darcy left soon after we exchanged words, but that was not the last I saw of him. The following morning after I departed from the parsonage to walk in the woods, I found him waiting for me. There, he handed me a letter, asking me to read it, and then bowed and departed. That was the last time I saw the gentleman until last night.”

Charlotte regarded her with a shrewd calculating expression. “Then Mr. Darcy explained something of his actions in the letter?”

“He did,” confirmed Elizabeth. “The business with Mr. Bingley was not Mr. Darcy’s fault, though he was involved. It seems the chief instigator was Miss Bingley as I am certain you already apprehend. Mr. Darcy made some mention of the behavior of certain members of my family which heightened his alarm, and that of Miss Bingley.”

“Lizzy,” said Charlotte, “some of the blame must also rest on Mr. Bingley’s shoulders. If he did not agree with his friend and sister’s opinion, or if it did not matter to him, it was his responsibility to act despite their arguments to the contrary.”

“Yes, Charlotte, I apprehend this. Though I never absolved Mr. Darcy in this matter, I reflected enough on it to shift much of the blame to others’ shoulders.”

“And Mr. Wickham?”

Elizabeth sighed and shook her head. “About Mr. Wickham, I realize that Mr. Darcy was not at all at fault, though I believe he should have warned the community. There were accounts in the letter of a personal and sensitive nature, facts that I cannot reveal to anyone given Mr. Darcy’s trust in me to keep his confidence.”

“Then I shall not press you for them,” said Charlotte with a nod.

“By the time I returned to Hertfordshire, I knew the truth about Mr. Wickham. As the regiment was soon to depart and there were facts I could not discuss, I thought it best that I allow the matter to rest.”

Charlotte sighed and offered a wan smile. “That was for the best until Lydia received her invitation to join the colonel’s wife in Brighton for the summer.”

“Just so,” said Elizabeth, the old feelings of regret and guilt rising in her breast. “Subsequent reflection has led me to understand that I cannot predict what might have happened if I had spoken of Mr. Wickham’s worthlessness or even warned Lydia to be wary of him. I still believe to this day that I should have done more, but I have learned to be philosophical about it.”

“It is not your fault, Lizzy,” said Charlotte, compassion staining her voice. “It is well you opted to put it in the past where it belongs.”

The friends fell silent thereafter, each considering the series of events that fateful summer. For Elizabeth, it felt akin to opening old wounds, though she would recover her good humor. There was little reason to castigate herself now after so many years, and she was not made for melancholy. How Mr. Darcy’s coming might yet affect her determination she could not say, but she meant to remain happy regardless of what happened.

“Given what you told me,” said Charlotte after perhaps five minutes of silence between them, “Mr. Darcy’s reasons for returning appear obvious.”

“I cannot understand it,” replied Elizabeth, “but I cannot say you are incorrect. How does a man retain a tender regard for a woman so long after she rejected him with so much acrimony?”

“A man who feels deeply.”

“I suppose so.”

“Then what do you mean to do?”

Elizabeth offered a helpless shrug. “At the moment, I cannot know. My opinion of Mr. Darcy has improved, and yet there is no love in my heart for him. You know my wishes, Charlotte—I can no more imagine accepting him now than on that day in Hunsford’s parlor.”

“You will not send him away.”

It was a statement, not a question, one that provoked a release of tension. “No, Charlotte, I will not send him away. Until he is explicit, I cannot even be certain this is the reason for his coming. The man has leased an estate and may reside at it as he chooses. It is not my place to demand he depart the neighborhood.”

“That is well, Lizzy,” said Charlotte. She offered Elizabeth a smile filled with affection. “If you allow him to make his case, he may surprise you. It seems the chance for which you have waited, that of finding a partner you can love, has finally found you. It would not do to turn your back on it.”

Elizabeth laughed. “As I recall, you were convinced that Mr. Darcy admired me.”

“Not convinced,” demurred Charlotte. “I had some notion of it, but I could never be certain. Now that I know the history, I feel rather gratified by my perspicacity. These coming weeks I shall view with anticipation, for the Mr. Darcy I saw last night does not appear ready to practice patience.”

“And yet, the gentleman always appeared to consider everything to excess before acting!”

“Perhaps he is. We shall know in the coming days.”

At that moment, their tête-à-tête ended, for they again heard the bell, and soon thereafter, Mrs. Hill entered the room leading a man Elizabeth had no wish to see. The sight of Mr. Mason brought Elizabeth and Charlotte to their feet, each startled to see him, for Mr. Mason, despite his recent attempts to provoke Elizabeth’s regard, had never visited the estate, confining his attention to events they both attended. It was the real reason Elizabeth had not known what to make of his advances, for any man enamored of a woman would wish to put himself in her company at every opportunity. Whether he felt no need to put himself out that far or his interest was lukewarm had been the question she had always asked herself. That he had only come after seeing Mr. Darcy the previous evening was telling.

“Miss Bennet, Mrs. Collins,” said the gentleman, bowing as propriety dictated.

“Mr. Mason. I am surprised to see you here, sir.”

The man eyed her for some moments before he addressed Charlotte. “Mrs. Collins, I wish to speak with Miss Bennet alone, so you may depart. I suspect the time of your visit has elapsed, regardless.”

Annoyed at the blatant attempt to direct another in her home, Elizabeth responded before Charlotte could say anything.

“Mr. Mason, when you entered, I was visiting with my dear friend. Please recall that Longbourn is my home, and I shall keep my own counsel about who may enter or how long they may stay.”

Probing was the only adjective Elizabeth could summon to describe Mr. Mason’s subsequent scrutiny of her. Elizabeth cared little for his opinion and invited him to sit with them to forestall whatever response he meant to make. Given his general behavior with her and his opinion that he towered over the rest of the community by virtue of his titled relations, it would not have surprised Elizabeth had he persisted in ordering Charlotte from the estate. He did not do so in the end, choosing instead to sit, though he turned his attention at once to Elizabeth, ignoring Charlotte altogether.

“It seems you have some acquaintances not of the neighborhood of whom none of us ever heard.”

Charlotte laughed. “That is not accurate, Mr. Mason, for Mr. Darcy visited the neighborhood before you purchased Netherfield Park.”

“He lived at Netherfield itself,” added Elizabeth, “for his friend leased the place.”

Mr. Mason considered this, again ignoring Charlotte. “Your acquaintance is of some intimacy, considering the attention he and his sister paid you last night.”

The man’s purpose was apparent, for he had often proven his inability to summon tact. Were Elizabeth to guess, deemed tact to be perfectly useless. She also suspected the man considered her to be his for the taking, caring nothing for her opinion on the subject. If he did, she was eager to disabuse him of the notion forever.

“Mr. Darcy was only in residence for two months, Mr. Mason. I spent a further three weeks in his company when I visited Charlotte in Kent after she married; Mr. Darcy visited his aunt there for a few weeks. That is the extent of our acquaintance. As for Miss Darcy, while I had heard much of her, I made her acquaintance only last night.”

“Then you deny any interest in him.”

Elizabeth did not bother to hide the asperity rising within her. “Perhaps you should consider propriety, Mr. Mason. As a woman, I cannot show any interest in a man, for it is his responsibility to make his interest known. I have no power other than to subtly indicate my returning regard or lack thereof, and to accept or reject a proposal should the man deign to offer it.”

“And has this Mr. Darcy shown you any sign of interest?”

“That is an impertinent question I shall not answer.”

Elizabeth’s annoyed glare rested on the brazen gentleman, though before this moment she would not have used that term to describe him. Boring, dull, single-minded, and stodgy were all terms that came to mind, but the man was about as far from impertinent as the moon was to the sun—at least he had been until that moment.

“Do you not suppose I have the right to ask?” demanded Mr. Mason.

“No, you do not,” retorted Elizabeth. “I am my own woman, sir, not some employee from whom you may demand obedience. You have no authority at Longbourn, and certainly none over me.”

Again, Mr. Mason regarded her, trying to make her out. This interview was surreal, for it reminded Elizabeth of a mix of Mr. Darcy and Mr. Collins’s proposals to her, though without the gentleman asking for her hand. Elizabeth knew what he meant, which betrayed a weakness of the mind such as Mr. Collins possessed, assuming where he had no right to assume, and expecting her to fall at his feet as Mr. Darcy had erroneously supposed. Elizabeth was not about to endure it.

“Mrs. Collins, I ask you again to depart,” said Mr. Mason, trying again to dispense with Charlotte’s presence. “I must speak with Miss Bennet on a matter of some urgency.”

“Mr. Mason,” growled Elizabeth. “If you persist in ordering my guests from my home, I shall insist that you leave. I already said that you interrupted my visit with my friend. Do not speak in such a way again.”

“It appears it will be a greater task to rid you of this impertinence than I supposed—it is strange, as I never noted it before in your manners.”

“That is quite enough, sir. Do not speak of such things, for I have no interest in hearing them. I will remind you of my independence and your lack of authority over me. Please leave at once, for I have no further desire to trade words with you.”

The man rose, surrendering before Elizabeth supposed he would.

“For the nonce, I shall depart. I urge you, Miss Bennet, to overcome this shade in your character, for I am not a man to tolerate it.”

Then the man sketched a bow and departed from the room, leaving Charlotte astonished at his audacity, while Elizabeth fumed. When he was gone from the estate, Elizabeth could not hold in her offense.

“What an odious man he is! Even Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy were not so blatant in assuming I would accept them, and this without even the benefit—if I may use such an unsuitable term—of a proposal.”

“You have a talent for attracting objectionable men, Lizzy.” Charlotte grinned and patted her hand with affection. “There is now no doubt he will propose to you.”

“And I shall reject him with pleasure,” snarled Elizabeth. “Even Mr. Darcy would be preferable to Mr. Mason, and I did not consider his proposal for an instant!”

“So, you confess you might accept Mr. Darcy?”

Elizabeth shook her head and glared at her friend. “I am in no mood for jesting, Charlotte. It seems obvious what brought Mr. Darcy back to Meryton, though I cannot fathom his fascination with me enduring for so long. Between the two men, at least Mr. Darcy is interesting and is behaving with civility. Mr. Mason appears to consider me akin to a horse that he may purchase at his leisure. If he should overcome his dullness to propose to me, I shall take great pleasure in piercing his vanity.”

“You have made a habit of it, Lizzy,” said Charlotte, still a hint of teasing in her voice. “By now, I must suppose you are an expert.”

“Practice does make perfect.” Elizabeth pushed the anger away and allowed the humor of the situation to take hold of her, for she had always loved to laugh better than to snarl. “The practice I gained from my first two suitors will serve me well when it comes time to deal with Mr. Mason.”

“I do not doubt it will, my friend.” Charlotte caught Elizabeth up in an embrace. “I hope you will not blame me if I express my eagerness for the next weeks, not only to witness you put Mr. Mason in his place but also to see your dance of courtship with Mr. Darcy. You owe me the entertainment after keeping the events in my former home a secret for so long.”

There was nothing Elizabeth could say in response, so she remained silent. While Mr. Mason would propose, Elizabeth could say nothing of Mr. Darcy, for his coming still astonished her. The gentleman would no doubt say something on the subject if he had returned for her, for Elizabeth had always seen Mr. Darcy as a confident man, one unaccustomed to having his desires thwarted. Elizabeth had done that at Hunsford; now that he returned, she doubted he would allow it again if he could prevent it, Mr. Mason’s ineffectual attempts to woo her notwithstanding. The notion satisfied Elizabeth, though she could not determine the origin of that feeling.