Page 17

The worst part is that even when I feel as though my heart is breaking, I cannot simply go off and be alone. I try to go down to the beast pits but the trainers there quickly point me back in the direction of the receiving rooms, making it clear that I have duties to attend to.

I go up there with tears in my eyes, trying to hold back the emotions I feel from my face but knowing that it is no use. I have never been able to disguise my emotions well, and now it feels as though I am a dam with cracks spreading across me, unable to hold back the tide of pain that waits behind.

I sit in a corner of the receiving rooms, and occasionally nobles come to me. They quickly back away. It's as if they can sense the pain and the anger within me, and they leave as quickly as they might with an angry hunting hound. I am alone in the receiving rooms, at least for now.

How could Alaric say any of the things he has? How could he drive me away so completely? He will refuse to see me? That feels like a knife being driven through my ribs. I'm doing all of this for him. I made my deal with the emperor to keep him alive. Everything I have done has been to ensure that we can still be together and now he does not want to be.

I'm starting to suspect that the things I have seen behind the mask of his arrogance were never really there at all. All the tenderness and the love, the hurt and the gentleness seem so far away now.

I sit there, listening to the sounds of the arena from the outside. Those filter in through the walls so that I can hear the roar of the crowd and the cries of pain. A beast roars, and I reach out automatically, looking through the eyes of the birds around the stadium. I have the power to see everything now, but it just means that I see the moment when a small group of criminals is torn apart by an angry chimera, their blood spraying across the sand. I watch the faces of the nobles and the crowd, seeing the primal emotions there, the bloodlust and the savage joy at the death of others.

I hate that. I hate the way they look on while others are killed for their amusement. The chimera is slowly tearing into the abdomen of one man and he is crying out for help but no one is giving it to him.

I can help him, although help is hardly the word for it. I reach into the chimera’s mind almost without thinking about it and have the beast slash its claws across the criminal's throat. I can do nothing to save him, but at least I can give him a death that is not filled with agony. I leave the chimera behind, abandoning its mind and returning to my body. I do not want to watch whatever bouts are to come next. I am sick of the death and the violence.

A part of me wonders if Alaric is right. That is one reason why his words hurt so much: because he might have a point. What kind of life am I giving the two of us by agreeing to the emperor's terms? I have agreed to an existence where I will need to fight for the rest of what is likely to be a short life, while he will be a prisoner, who only lives so that the emperor can control me. I'm sure the emperor will give me time with him, but it is clear Alaric does not want that time now. Perhaps he never will. The situation seems designed to drive us apart, each of us resenting the other for our situation.

How could he say that he wished Callus had killed me?

That is one of the worst hurts of all. Alaric seems to have the knack of knowing exactly where to hurt me most, exactly which words will affect me to the greatest degree. He has literally wished me dead. How can any relationship between us survive such a thing?

And even that part is true. If Alaric had not helped me, if I had died, would either of us really be worse off now? I'm still going to die if the emperor gets his way. I'm going to have to fight with no hope of ever making it out of the colosseum, and ultimately that is a death sentence. At some point I will be too slow or too weak, too injured or just not lucky enough to come through one of my bouts. I have seen so many strong gladiators die out there in the colosseum. Do I really think that I will be any different?

And Alaric… if he had not helped me, then he would be free of all of this right now. He would have a place of honor out in Aetherian society, probably with a marriage to some wealthy noble woman. Even his family would be forced to acknowledge his success. Instead, he is kept as a prisoner, and he will die the moment I fail. I have not saved him from execution, merely delayed the moment when it will come.

I'm still thinking about it when a figure comes over to me, a noble woman in her forties, with dark hair and fine features that have a faint hint of familiarity to them. She wears an expensive gown, along with bangles and rings that proclaim her wealth.

For a moment I assume this is another noble coming to me to try to be seen along with one of the successful gladiators of the games, or perhaps to try to for more. I cannot openly rebuff her, but I can give her a hard look that makes it clear I'm not interested in any company at the moment. It has worked so far.

“You must be Lyra,”

she says, ignoring the look and sitting down next to me on the couch.

“Forgive me my lady I am…”

I struggle for the words to tell her that I don't want to talk to anyone right now, trying to find some way to say it that won't earn me punishment. Although maybe I should just come out and say it like that and accept the punishment. At least then, the pain would match what I feel inside.

“I am Lillian Blackthorn,” she says.

That name catches me by surprise as I realize why she looks faintly familiar. Her features have echoes of Alaric’s face. This is the patron he has been seeing in secret. This is his mother.

That fact is enough to get me to sit there, although I don't know what I can say to her.

“I guess you must hate me,”

I say. After all, if it weren't for me, her precious son would not be held, awaiting execution.

She puts her hand on my shoulder, a surprising amount of sympathy in her eyes.

“How could I hate you when my son cares about you so much?”

I laugh bitterly. “I'm not sure he feels the same way right now. He told me that he wished he had let me die and that I should do the same for him.”

I hear her sigh. “Alaric always was dramatic. And he knows how to wield words. You realize that if he said something like that, it was for a reason, not because he meant it.”

“What reason could he have that excuses that?” I ask.

She smiles gently. “I heard what you did for him. I heard about you agreeing to keep fighting. The rumors about that are starting to flow out. The emperor is letting the right people know before he announces it to the crowd, so that they can all bet on the outcome. His way of rewarding loyalty.”

“And you’re loyal to him?” I ask.

“He let me know so that I would know my son is not going to be killed straight away,”

she says. “Another way of ensuring that loyalty.”

Holding him as a hostage over the rest of his family as much as over me. It just shows how twisted the situation is, but I'm not sure it helps with anything.

“Alaric is trying to be noble and give you a way out,”

Lillian says. “And if he has been cruel my guess is that he has done it deliberately to try and make you take this way out. To make it less painful for you. You've seen, I guess, that he's an expert in putting on the mannerisms of the arrogant and unfeeling nobleman when he wants to.”

“I have,” I admit.

“Then you will also have seen that there is far more beneath it. He pretends that he is not, but Alaric is someone who feels everything deeply. When he is hurt, it is to the bone. When he loves, it is with all his heart. Do not doubt what he feels for you. He's trying to be selfless, trying to throw his life away as if it's nothing, but we both know it matters so much more than that.”

“I…”

I nod. I know she's right, just as I know I can't simply walk away, rejecting the emperor's offer and allowing Alaric to die. I cannot go back to Seatide and watch the empire devour itself from a safe distance. At the same time, though, I know that I cannot keep fighting forever.

I need another option. I need an option that will allow me to save Alaric, to free myself, and to do more than that. I want to make things better for everyone trapped in the games, everyone in the city, and the empire.

I'm not sure that any of the sides who have come to me are offering that. I don't think I can trust Lady Elara anymore, not with the horrors she plans to unleash. I know I can't trust Vex. As for Bella… I cannot allow the wildfire of mob violence either. Oh, and the emperor is still waiting for me to hand him his foes.

I need to find my own way, for Alaric’s sake, for mine, and for that of everyone in the city.