Page 48 of Intense (Beneath The Blaze #3)

FINN

I watch as she drives off, and instead of getting in my own car, I pull out my phone.

“Hey, Fred. I need a favor,” I greet him.

Head of Neurology. I suppose I’d call him a friend of sorts. Except, he needs to understand I won’t be going to Portugal to play golf, no matter how many times he asks me.

“Of course, Finn. All okay?”

I rub my hands over my face.

“Something’s not right. Can I pop down for some scans? I only have an hour.”

There’s a pause.

“Not right? Do you want to give me some symptoms?”

I let out a ragged breath.

How do I explain to a fucking neurologist that I need my brain scanned because I’m too obsessed with my wife?

That I’ve been so void of feelings for so long, I now can’t stop feeling things.

That I’ve been laughing, smiling, and lusting over her.

That I care.

And that there is no logical explanation other than a tumor. Or some kind of brain-eating disease that’s causing this.

Because I’m not built to feel love.

And yet, I think I do.

So naturally, to avoid being sent to the psych ward. I lie.

“Lethargic, dizzy, dehydrated, and a constant pounding headache.”

“How many days?”

It’s been nearly six years since I met her. But I’ve been in love with her for thirty days.

Obsessed every day since I arrived here.

“A couple of weeks now.”

“Alright. Head to my office now. I’ll do some assessments and scans.”

“Great. Thank you. You sure an hour will cut it?”

He chuckles.

“Head of the department comes with some perks, Finn.”

I cut the call and head straight to his office, nerves swirling around in my gut. I haven’t thought about what if I am actually sick.

I knock on Fred’s door before opening it up.

He turns in his seat and smiles.

“Right, let’s get you scanned. You can answer questions as we walk there,” he tells me, standing up and holding out his hand to shake.

I look at it. Clean. No tattoos. What a surgeon should look like.

Not like mine. Covered in ink. Blood probably still stained deep within.

“I appreciate this,” I tell him and follow him down the corridor.

“Well, I need you alive and well to finally get you on this golf trip,” he jokes.

I inwardly groan. Is this the cost of this scan?

I don’t answer. I go in silently and let him shove me in machines to scan my brain.

Get this over with so I can get back to Stephanie. I know my family will accept her, because she is mine. I’m more intrigued about how they will react. I’ve never brought a woman home to them. I’ve never had someone to call mine.

“I’m sure it’s fine, Finn. Don’t worry.” He claps his hand on my shoulder, and I shudder, turning to him and glaring.

It’s enough for him to take his hands off me.

It’s not fine either way.

On the one hand, I’m sick.

On the other? I’m falling for my wife.

I’m feeling things.

By the time we’re done, I only have ten minutes to get to Stephanie. Fred is sitting behind his desk, pulling up my scan images.

His glasses are on, and he’s studying them. But I can see the results clearly.

“You’re looking all good, Finn,” he mutters, turning to me.

My jaw clenches.

“Do you think maybe it could be stress or anxiety?”

I scoff. Fuck off.

“Why do you look so pissed off?” he asks with a frown.

I tap my fingers on the desk, staring at my healthy brain.

It’s not my heart; I already checked that. It’s not my head.

Fuck. Is what I feel for her real?

“I just thought I was right.”

“We can refer you? More tests? This was obviously quite fast-tracked.”

I shake my head.

“No. I know how to fix it.”

“Alright. Next month for golf?” he asks.

I refrain from rolling my eyes.

“No.”

“One day I’ll get you.”

He chuckles as I stand. He fucking won’t. I couldn’t think of anything worse.

“Can you email me those images?” I ask, pointing at the screen.

“Uh. Sure.”

A smile tugs at my lips.

Perhaps I’ll put it in a card on our wedding anniversary for her.

Or give them to her the next time she tries to divorce me.

Shit. There’s that pain in my chest again. Just thinking about her drives me crazy.

That fuzzy feeling in my head.

Her.

She is my symptom.

My cause.

The only fucking drug that will fix me.

How do I get my wife to fall in love with me?

I race back to my car, texting her before I drive, letting her know I will be slightly delayed. I still need to go and get changed.

I don’t think my brothers have clocked that my hand is linked with Stephanie’s.

“You’re late,” Conan grins, then stops cold.

His gaze drops to our joined hands. Back up to me. Back down again.

“Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged—” Declan comes to an abrupt halt beside him.

“Finn?”

I squeeze her hand.

“I’m late because I had to pick up my wife.”

Their jaws damn near hit the floor. Perfect timing for Charlotte and Hallie to walk up behind them.

Stephanie nudges closer to my side. The room goes still. I lean down—feeling like she’s going to say something.

“I feel like we’re animals in a zoo being viewed. Say something,” she whispers.

So I straighten and clear my throat. But she surprises me and beats me to it.

“I’m Stephanie, or Dr. Miller, you may know me as,” she says to Conan.

Conan steps forward, offers his hand. She takes it, smiling.

“You saved my life,” he says.

Fuck, my chest tightens.

“I did. But you did most of the hard work yourself. It’s good to see you looking well, Conan.”

I release her hand and slide my arm around her waist. My eyes find Hallie’s; she’s already glassy-eyed. She steps forward and wraps Stephanie in her arms.

Stephanie freezes, just for a second, then hugs her back.

“I always knew you two didn’t really hate each other,” Hallie says, looking directly at me.

“Is that so?” I ask.

She nods. Hallie’s been under my wing since her father died in my O.R. Great nurse. Better wife to Conan. She’s perfect for him, and everyone can see it, including me.

Declan and Charlotte are both sizing us up. Declan’s got that disappointed dad look, like he’s about to start lecturing.

“How long have you been married?” Charlotte asks carefully, biting her lip and avoiding my eyes.

“Charlotte,” I warn, “spit it out.”

She’s a trained assassin with a heart too soft for this world, until someone threatens her family. Then the darkness resurfaces.

A slow smile spreads across Charlotte’s face. “I think you’re fucking with us.”

My turn to grin. I pull my arm from Stephanie’s waist and hold up my tattooed ring finger.

“Finn,” Declan hisses.

Not sure what reaction I was expecting from them, but this whole thing’s turning into a circus.

“Vegas. A few weeks ago. We were slightly drunk, yes. But now she’s come to her senses and stopped begging me to annul it.”

I feel her glare burning into the side of my head.

Conan scratches his jaw. “So… are you a couple? Or just fucking? I’m confused.”

Hallie smacks his arm.

I glance down at my wife. She’s fighting a smile.

“What are we, wife?” I ask.

“We’re something not many people can comprehend,” she says, her voice confident.

I like that answer.

We are different.

“Are we done with the grilling? I’d like a drink and to see my nephews.”

“Steph! Come sit with us, we have a lot to catch up on!” Hallie links arms with her, dragging her away from me.

I stay put, hands in my pockets, watching as the three of them head over to Lily with the kids. I’ve never seen Stephanie with friends outside the hospital—she’s a lone wolf. Like I’d be without my brothers.

But that smile on her face? She likes this. It looks natural. And fuck… when Hallie hands her baby Liam to hold, my heart skips.

I need to start tracking her cycle. Because I want that.

Declan holds out a whiskey in front of my nose. “What the hell’s happened to you?” he asks low.

I take the glass. “What do you mean?”

I don’t take my eyes off her.

“Since when do you fall in love? You didn’t like her five minutes ago; now you’re married? Looking at her like you’re about to drop to your knees for her.”

Conan barks a laugh. “Why’d you say that like it’s a bad thing? Fuck, I get on my knees for Hallie most nights if she calls me a good boy.”

I nearly choke on my drink. “Good boy? Like a dog?”

Conan glares. “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. Letting her take control is hot as fuck.”

I hold up a hand. “Don’t. I don’t want that mental image burned into my brain.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Everyone’s got their own kink,” I mutter.

I’m not sure my brother needs to know I have to bleed just to feel anything.

Conan narrows his eyes. “What’s yours then? Something to do with the medical shit you’ve got at home? Or nurse role play? Fuck, it’s so hot when?—”

I chuckle and tap his cheek to stop him from finishing his sentence. Hallie is my friend, I don’t need to know.

“Be a good boy and shut the fuck up.”

His jaw tenses. I grin wider. “And I’m not sure a brotherly fistfight’s the right move at a baby shower.”

Declan steps between us. “You didn’t answer me. Is this serious? Is she part of our family now?”

“Yes. And yes.”

“Do you trust her to know the truth? About the Decadence Trials?”

I scratch my stubble. “Eventually. Trust takes time. As you well know.”

My gaze pins his. His wife once tried to kill him, betrayed him, and lied to him. He forgave her. Trusted her again.

“Are you happy?” he asks.

I chew the inside of my cheek. Happiness isn’t something I’ve ever truly claimed. Any time I thought I had it, the memories came back and poisoned it.

But since marrying Stephanie? I’ve been so distracted, the darkness hasn’t found a way in.

“Yeah. As happy as I can be.”

Declan relaxes. “Then congratulations. She seems good for you.”

I tilt my head. My brothers believe in this fairytale love shit. And maybe they have it.

But my life isn’t built for that. I know, deep down, Stephanie won’t accept all of me, not the truth. Not the part I don’t speak aloud.

I haven’t even told my brothers. The only people who know are all dead, including my own parents.

The mafia? The killing? She could handle that. I see the dark in her too.

But what happened to me as a kid? The hatred it left me with? The way I can turn off my emotions like a switch? That’s different.

She deserves better.

“We should have confirmation from Theo in a few days to head to London,” I tell my brothers.

Conan grins, but he’s looking at Hallie.

“You don’t have to leave them. I can do it for you,” I tell him.

He shakes his head.

“We do this together.” He claps his hand on my shoulder.

“I’m protecting my family; I have to.”

I nod in agreement. They’re safe here, and we won’t be gone long. I don’t have plans to leave Stephanie either.

Still… for now, I’ll let myself pretend. Live in the fantasy my brothers swear by.

Just to know what it feels like.