Page 9

VIOLET

A re you sure you’re okay?

I had stared at Griffin's text for so long that the words lost all meaning, morphing into clusters of letters that didn't make sense. I'd avoided his video calls for the past three days. My excuse was a terrible cold forcing me to stay in bed under pounds and pounds of blankets, but he wasn't stupid, and I wasn't a good liar when it came to him. He knew something was up.

Before I could reply, another text came through.

Whatever’s happening, you can talk to me. I know you want to protect me, V, but look at me! I’m attending college in another State, alone, and I’m still alive. I even made one friend and I don’t eat in a bathroom stall anymore. You’ve done so much for me. Maybe now I can do something for you.

Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes—my dear, dear boy. I knew he was willing to share the weight of everything that was happening to me, that he could bear it, but I didn't want to. I couldn't. He'd drop all he was building to run back to me, to make sure I was safe, and that was something I simply couldn't accept. I wanted him to have his own life, to make his experiences—to live. Everything I'd endured had been for him. I wasn't going to spoil it just because I needed to vent.

Stressed out and beaten up by this stupid cold, and also dealing with some difficult feelings for the Team, but I’m okay. Vc next week?

Before I locked the phone, I lingered for a moment, thumb hovering just above Daisy's chat. I'd lost count of how many messages I'd sent to her, of how many times my calls had gone straight to voicemail. By that point, I knew she probably didn't want anything to do with me; I knew I'd been a bad friend, absent, careless, but she wasn't giving me the chance to make amends. To apologize properly.

I started recording a voice message, trying to control my tone.

“Hey, it’s me. Violet. I know… I know you’re mad at me, and I know I’m pestering you day and night when you clearly don’t want to be disturbed, but can we please talk? I miss my best friend. I… I love you so much, Daisy. Hope to hear from you soon.” The urge to go straight to her, knock on her door, and beg for her forgiveness made me feel almost dizzy. But I knew that would only make things worse, because she hated having her space invaded.

As soon as I sent the voice message, there was a firm knock at my door.

My boys.

That was my first thought. After the first few days, a stretch of time during which they'd basically camped outside my room and bombarded my phone with calls and messages, all had simply… stopped. There had been a few attempts to lure me out perpetrated by my friends, but not my Team. It was like they'd forgotten all about me, like they'd stopped caring. The thought hurt more than everything I'd been through my entire life. Because yes, I'd locked myself in my room to be alone and away from everything, to process the myriad of events that kept piling up and buried me alive, but I had imagined… I had imagined they wouldn't give up on me so easily. Maybe all I wanted was not just time to feel myself again; maybe I needed more proof they cared for me. I know it was incoherent, that I was being incoherent with myself, but I felt so lost nothing made sense.

“Violet, darling? It’s Asteria. Do you perhaps have a minute to talk?”

A pang of disappointment shot across my chest, but it was quickly replaced by a warm feeling. I wasn’t expecting a visit from her. I wasn’t expecting a visit from anyone, since I’d refused to let people in for days, but I knew immediately I’d open the door. She had the ability to soothe my nerves and make me believe all was going to be okay with just a few words.

I rolled off the bed, kicked the pile of food delivery bags into the bathroom, hid some dirty laundry under the table, and finally opened the door. Asteria looked incredible: the afro bun sat perfectly round at the top of her head, embellished with a golden clip that complemented the earrings and necklace, sparkling even in the dull lights of the dorms. She stood tall in her cream suit, a stark, wonderful contrast to her deep brown skin.

I, on the other hand, had a rat's nest on my head, had been wearing the same pajama for the last five days, and probably smelled like a rotting corpse. Sweet. Maybe I'd been a little too impulsive with my decision to open the door.

“I’m… sorry” I muttered, standing awkwardly in the doorframe. “I’m recovering from a cold. I look like sh—I look bad, and my room’s a mess, and—”

“I’m glad to see you, my child” she interrupted me, before placing her warm hands on my shoulders with the softest smile on her lips. “Nothing else matters. May I come in for a moment?”

I was truly, deeply embarrassed by the mess I’d lived in for the past days, like I was only seeing it now for the first time, but I stepped aside nonetheless. I knew she wouldn’t judge me.

Asteria crossed the room in slow steps and sat on the chair, pointing at the bed. “Sit with me for a moment, will you?”

“I—Of course.” I did as she asked, sitting on the edge of the mattress after pushing dirty underwear and a ranch-encrusted plate out of the way. “I know I missed a lot of classes, and I promise I’ll catch up with—”

"No, my dear" she interrupted me, leaning forward to take my hands. "No. I'm not here to scold you. I came to see you, to understand how you're doing, but most of all, to apologize."

I blinked, unable to summon any other reaction for a very long moment. Then, very stupidly, I asked, “Excuse me, what?”

Asteria smiled softly, like she was expecting such question. “I dismissed your and your Team’s worries. I refused to believe what was right before my eyes, actively putting you in danger.”

“No.” The word rolled off my tongue before she was even done speaking, followed by another no—louder this time. “It’s not your fault. How could… Two students tried to kill me. How is it your fault?”

“I should’ve acted differently” she replied, squeezing my hands gently. “Then maybe all of this could’ve been avoided.”

I shook my head. "I don't… I'm not trying to be rude, but this is not your fault. How could you even know the intentions of those two?"

"You see, my child" she sighed, gaze wandering past my shoulder. "I pride myself on educating my students to be not merely good witches and warlocks, but also, sometimes more importantly, good people." Her hands trembled slightly before turning back to perfect stillness. "I feel like I have failed those two. Somewhere along the way they started thinking it was okay to end another's life just for personal benefit, and I wasn't there to correct them. I wasn't there to protect you."

I shook my head again, though a knot was forming at the base of my throat. “You had nothing to do with this. Don’t blame yourself, please.”

“I have my fair share of responsibility, my child. I failed to keep one of my students safe, which also means I failed as an educator.”

I denied it all under my breath, unable to find a louder voice within. My nose itched, my throat was getting tighter and tighter, symptoms I recognized all too well. Another word and I would burst into tears.

"I'm sorry that happened to you" she said softly, standing up and making me get up with her. "I'm sorry I let that happen to you."

I wasn't expecting a hug from her, but it turned out it was all I needed: my barriers broke down, and I started crying, spasms and sobs making my chest cramp painfully. I let everything out along with my tears—the fear, the pain, the confusion, the grief for a normal existence that was never going to be.

“You’ve been through so much” she murmured, caressing my back in a way that reminded me of a time when my mother used to love me. The thought of her, sudden, uncontrollable, sent a shiver up my spine. Despite everything she’d done to me, to Griffin, I still hoped she wasn’t suffering too much. “And you were so brave through it all. You amaze me, my child.”

I'd actually locked myself in a room in an attempt to hide from reality, but yeah. I guessed I'd been somewhat brave.

“I have a question” I muttered, as soon as she took a step back to rub my shoulders. “It’s about the Claustra. How does it work?”

She smiled a polite, knowing smile that made me think she was expecting something like that from me. “It is a magical prison. It keeps prisoners caged until it deems it appropriate to let them out.”

“And what… what happens to them while they’re in there?” My voice quivered. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know the answer.

“The Claustra sees right through one’s soul” she explained. “It punishes following an eye for an eye justice system.”

A breath caught in my throat as I braced for the wave of guilt that was surely coming… except it never did. My mother and Randy deserved it. Fia and Zane did too. After everything they had put me through, it was only fair that the same happened to them.

“Look at me.” Asteria’s voice was soft, understanding, caring. “I know a promise from me might seem empty, after my undeniable negligence, but I want you to know you’re safe. The students who tried to kill you have been tried and judged guilty. When— if —the Claustra decides to let them go, they will be banned from this and every other Coven in the Country, so they won’t come near you again.”

I knew that Fia had been sent away because my boys had come to tell me a couple of days earlier, speaking through a door I both wanted to open and keep locked for the rest of my life, but hearing it from Asteria as well was all the more comforting. It was the confirmation I definitely needed for my peace of mind.

“Thank you” I mouthed, my voice nothing more than a whisper, but she seemed to understand anyway. “I really needed this today.”

An amused smile played on her brown, glossy lips. “I figured. You haven’t been coming to class for the past week.”

I knew it didn’t make sense for me to keep insisting I’d caught the flu—Asteria saw right through my lies, and I respected her way too much not to admit the truth.

“I’ll catch up” I assured her. “I promise.”

“I know you will, darling.” She waved her hand gently. “I’m not in the least worried about that matter. What mostly preoccupies me is your well-being…” A long sigh escaped her mouth. “And that of your Team.”

My alertness immediately shot up, spine straightening and hands curling into fists. “What about them? Are they okay?”

Useless question: I knew they were. I somehow felt it—far and faint, sometimes almost impossible to notice, but their magic was always there; it buzzed in the back of my head, at the margins of my conscience, relentless. It told me they were still breathing.

“Physically, yes” Asteria replied almost carefully, measuring her words like she was afraid of a dangerous chemical reaction, were she to utter the wrong ones. “Psychologically speaking, they aren’t doing as good.”

“Why not?” My voice cracked.

There was a gleam in her eyes as she answered, “Take a guess, my child.”

Was it because of me? But they’d… “They aren’t coming anymore” I muttered, feeling my cheeks grow warm. “Here, I mean. For the first few days…” I shook my head, wetting my lips with the tip of my tongue. “Whatever’s going on with them, I doubt it has to do with me.”

“You doubt” she repeated, her expression theatrically pensive as she tapped her temple with a fingertip. “Let’s see. They stopped attending class. It’s their last year, did you know? They only have a few exams left before they get their Higher Magic License.” She stirred her long fingers, the glossy white nail polish reflecting the sunlight pouring through the window. “A mere formality, of course, since they’re already part of a Team—the first Team.”

I'd come to learn a fully formed Team of not yet licensed members wasn't common, especially if the Team in question was up in the higher ranks. The Coven usually followed a climbing-like strategy when it came to Teams: freshly graduated students with passing grades became part of a Team, or, less often, substitutes—the better the grades, the better the starting position was. Lower Teams were assigned simple missions; if they did well, better than the Team right above them, they could climb up. Vice versa, a Team doing poorly could be downgraded very fast; the fall could be brutal.

Alpha Team hadn't always been Alpha Team, I'd found out. They'd been thrown into the field a few years earlier, when the entirety of Theta Team had been annihilated by a deranged, wild beast that according to some was a blood-thirsty werewolf, and the devil himself to others. Nicholas, Kenji, and Quinn had been handpicked by the Council itself as the most promising, readiest training group, whereas Martin had been heavily suggested by some influential members of the Coven—his father, that is. Theta Team had not only found and neutralized the creature, but they'd managed to climb the ladder at a dizzying speed, reaching in just two years a spot some wouldn't touch in a lifetime.

But yeah, they still had to take exams.

“Do they want to fail?” I mumbled. Yeah, who was I fooling? They’d pass without even trying.

Asteria shook her head. “No. I believe what they want is sitting right before me at this very moment.”

Heat crept up my throat and took root in my cheeks. "They made it perfectly clear I'm not essential for the Team to function." I regretted the sentence the moment it left my mouth, turning from a thought into spoken words. They'd proven multiple times that not only did they want me—but they also needed me. Well, my magic, but still. “They were camping in front of my door” I explained, unable to contain myself. “For the first few days, you know? When I locked myself in here. They blew up my phone with calls and texts and even emails.” A small smile tugged my lips, but I was quick to shove it back inside. “Now they’re basically ignoring me, like I don’t exist anymore. I know they probably got tired of waiting and—”

Asteria's small, amused laugh interrupted me mid-sentence. "Oh, dear. I believe they're doing one well-thought-out thing. Giving you space." She looked outside the window, where thick, menacing clouds were gathering behind the tall turrets of the library's building. "Now all the unexpected storms over the past few days make sense."

Nicholas. He definitely needed to get a hold of his weather-controlling power. He couldn’t afford to skip class, what was he thinking? He knew he had a hard time avoiding the influence of anger over his magic.

“Is something going on with your Team?” she asked carefully, tilting her head in such a motherly way I had to suppress the urge to seek comfort in her embrace again. “Did something happen?”

I hesitated. I needed someone to talk about this. Daisy wasn't responding, Griffin would simply gloat and tell me he'd known from the very beginning, Len would tell half the Academy in one and a half minutes, Maggie would encourage me to trust my feelings (ignoring the fact I couldn't even recognize them), and Mei, well… she'd say something along the lines of being grateful I had three holes. I loved my friends, but they wouldn't give me the advice I needed at the moment.

“It’s complicated” I finally admitted in a long sigh. “I’m not even sure what’s going on with me right now.”

Asteria kept quiet, a clear invitation to go on if I felt like it. And I did. I feared I was going insane. The attempted murders I could deal with: there was a clear menace, a goal, a way to stay alive. This was… entangled. What was the danger? Was there a way to stay safe? What was I even escaping from?

“I’m afraid I have developed romantic feelings for all of the members of my Team” I confessed in a low, trembling voice. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even look her in the eye. “I tried to ignore it, to pretend it wasn’t there.” I shook my head. “I can’t. And don’t even get me started on picking one of them…” A shudder ran across my back. “No. I’d rather chew on my own arm.”

All was quiet and still for a moment, like time had stopped, but then Asteria curled her mouth in a sly smile. “What about it is complicated?”

I opened and closed my mouth two times before I was able to utter any sound. "Wh—Everything, no? There are three of them. I have feelings for three different men."

She shrugged. “Do they have feelings for you?”

She caught me off guard. Because while I knew something was there, I didn't know what it was. Physical attraction? Yes, of course. I'd be stupid not to admit they were attracted to me. In my mind lingered memories of greedy hands and mouths, whispered words able to make my belly twist and knot in the most delicious way, things I couldn't ignore, not even if I wanted to. But was there more? That, I didn't know. I had no idea if all they craved from me was my body, some quick gratification, things anyone could've provided for them. I didn't know if they wanted my heart, my mind, and my soul, too.

“I’m not sure” I mumbled. “I don’t even know if what I’m feeling is real. I don’t… I don’t want to get hurt.” I’d suffered enough.

Asteria nodded slowly; then, with a sigh, she stood up and pushed a few strands of my hair behind my ears. "You don't have to jump headfirst into anything. Take your time, yes? If your feelings are real, they will bloom, and if they aren't, well, they won't."

“But if they are real…” My voice was barely audible, a trembling whisper I had trouble understanding. Not Asteria, though: she looked like she was catching my every word, welcoming and caring for it. “Then I will be in love with three different men.”

She hugged me so tightly and warmly, for a moment, my shattered self seemed to get glued back together. "It simply means you have more love to give. If you ask me, dear, that's never a bad thing." She stepped back to look at me. "Quite the contrary."

Maybe she was right, maybe she wasn’t.

For the time being, her words would be enough. They had to be.