Page 17

Chapter 17

No Judgement

Bex

I n reality, I didn’t have to use the bathroom. I just need a break from the tension at our table.

I’m glad to find the bathroom blissfully empty and lean against one of the sinks, staring at my reflection in the mirror that spans almost the entire length of that wall.

My face is flushed, as if I’d been running. Not even thinking about Dad’s green sludge helped me calmed down after I let myself imagine being between Connor and Jamie.

I splash some cold water on my face, glad that I listened to Jamie and didn’t bother with more than a swipe of lip gloss; even that is gone though, after the way Jamie kissed me.

I stare at myself. My eyes look huge and shiny, and my lips are curling up in a little smile.

It’s crazy how much difference a few days can make in someone’s life. A week ago, I thought I was going to marry Kurt. Even if I didn’t love him. Even if the way he looked at me creeped me out. My father controlled every aspect of my life. From my friends and relationship, to my clothes and appearance, to what I was and wasn’t allowed to eat. I just put lasagna on my plate today. Without even thinking about the calories. Just because it looked good. Granted, I haven’t eaten more than a few bites yet, but I blame it on Jamie. When he’s near me, I could forget how to breathe.

As if summoned by my thoughts, Jamie enters the bathroom.

“Hey.” He stands behind me, heat radiating from his tall, muscular body.

I turn around to face him. My body is trapped between the sink and Jamie, just like earlier at home.

“What are you doing here?” I gasp. “This bathroom is not coed.”

Jamie’s smile widens. “We’re the only ones in here, and I made sure to lock the door when I came in.”

I think I understand why he’s here. “Oh, I get it. Did people see you following me?” It makes perfect sense that he wants to be seen, to cement the fact that we’re “together” in front of as many people as possible.

To my surprise, Jamie shrugs. “Maybe. Who cares?”

“But then, why?—”

The pad of his thumb runs over my bottom lip, silencing me. “Connor said we should get a room, and I agree. You looked awfully tense out there, and I know just how to relieve some of that stress.”

Oh.

When Jamie kissed me, I understood why he did it. People have to see us together for our relationship to be believable. But if no one sees us, does that mean that Jamie wants me, anyway? I guess it makes sense, since he can’t hook up with anyone else, or the whole ruse will be over and his entire career will be at risk.

His blue eyes skim the length of my body and I feel hot everywhere. My clothes feel like too much of a barrier under the heat of Jamie’s gaze.

“I came here to take you home, so we can be alone. But since we’re the only ones here, why wait?”

I can’t find one objection, and I want to feel his lips on mine again. “Kiss me, then.”

He doesn’t make me ask twice. His mouth finds mine, and this time there’s no coaxing, no teasing. Jamie devours my mouth while his hands find their way under the hem of his jersey.

His fingers trace my ribcage, the underside of my breasts, and I lean into his touch. I’m desperate for more.

“Fuck, baby,” he torments my bottom lip with his teeth. “Your tits feel incredible. I bet they look even more perfect than they feel.”

I’ve never given much thought to my boobs. I know Matthew liked them. I haven’t really been with anyone after he and I broke up, unless we count that horrible night with Kurt.

I don’t even want to think about that night. I want to erase it from my memory forever. “Do you want to look at them?” I pant against Jamie’s lips, my back arched to give him better access.

“Fuck, yeah.” His lips glide down the column of my neck as he lifts his jersey higher and higher.

“Wait.” I stop him, covering his hands with mine. I look left and right, suddenly worried. “I don’t know if there are any cameras in here.”

He shakes his head. “Nope. Trust me, I know.”

Laughter escapes me at the thought that I’m probably not the first person he’s hooked up with in a bathroom around campus.

I lift my arms, letting Jamie lift the jersey over my head. His gaze is like a warming beam on my skin; but in contrast, my nipples tighten, aching for his touch.

Jamie lowers his head, following the trajectory of his hands with his open mouth.

One hand closes over one breast, massaging my soft flesh and teasing my nipple with the flat of his slightly rough palm. At the same time, his mouth finds my other nipple. His tongue comes out to swirl around the sensitive peak and I don’t even realize that the moan that sounds into the bathroom is coming from me.

“Hmm, do you like it? Huh, baby?” he chuckles, sucking my nipple into his mouth.

My answer is another strangled moan, as my hands come to play with Jamie’s silky, short blond hair.

He kisses a line from one breast to the other, lifting that sexy blue gaze to look at me. His warm breath is hovering over my skin, and I squirm with need.

A slow lick makes the space between my thighs pulse with need, and I beg him. “Jamie, please.”

His soft, perfect lips curl in a teasing smile. “Would you like me to suck on your sexy little nipple? Would you like Connor to suck on the other one? Or maybe he could take care of your clit.”

“Yes.” Bursts out of my mouth before I can even fully register what he just asked me. “Wait.” I tense up. “Did you say Connor? I?—”

“You were looking at him like you wanted him to be your next meal.”

“Jamie, I?—”

He doesn’t sound angry. “You kept staring at his mouth. Did you want to kiss Connor?”

Embarrassment and guilt kill the excitement of just a few seconds ago, and I push Jamie away. “I’m sorry, I?—”

If our relationship is fake, why do I feel like I’m betraying him just by being attracted to Connor?

Jamie advances again, and I cower. I cover my head with my arms, my eyes closed, shrinking into myself.

“Baby.” His tone is soft, full of concern. “Bex, what the fuck are you doing?”

I open my eyes to squint at him and all I see on his handsome face is pure concern. “I know we aren’t real, but?—”

“But what?” Now he sounds upset. “Do you think I would ever hurt you?” His voice goes up a notch, horrified.

“I… I don’t know.” I finally admit.

Slut .

Kurt’s voice echoes in my head, like the night before our wedding.

“Yes.” I say. “Please don’t be mad. I’ll never do it again, I swear.”

Jamie

Fuck.

What started like one of the hottest moments of my life is turning into a fuck up of gigantic proportions.

A part of me regrets teasing Bex about the way she was looking at Connor. She’s looking at me with huge, terrified eyes, shrinking into herself as if she thought I was gonna hit her.

She’s reacting exactly like she did the night we met. She’s scared like she was after Connor and I took care of the assholes who thought they had the right to touch her without her consent.

I inhale a deep, calming breath. Ok. Maybe this is for the best. I’ve been thinking about that night more than once. I hate the idea that Bex might be scared of me. Especially now.

“I’m not mad.” I begin. “But even if I was, I hope you understand that I would never, ever hit you.”

She doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t even need to say it. It’s written all over her face.

“Bex,” I insist. “Why do you think I would hurt you?”

She lowers her eyes, and I fight the urge to touch her to get her to look at me. I’m not going to put another finger on her until she realizes that I would never hurt her.

“I don’t know.” She repeats.

I run a hand through my hair, frustrated. “You do know. Have I ever done anything to make you believe I would hit you?”

This time, she shakes her head. “Not me in particular. But Jamie, you’re a hockey player. My dad wouldn’t let me attend games against Star Cove because he didn’t want me to see Luke. But I used to watch them on TV. All the local stations follow our division one teams. I’ve seen how much you guys fight. Violence is in your nature. Fights erupt on the ice in the blink of an eye. Look at the way you and Connor beat those guys on the pier the night I arrived.”

I knew that was what scared her. “That was to protect you.” I bite out. “Those guys were bigger than you. They thought they could grope you and touch you and fuck knows what they planned to do to you. They thought you were there by yourself, and they targeted you. Guys like that don’t care if you say no, if you beg them to stop. The only way they listen is if they’re confronted by someone closer to their size. I’m sorry if I scared you. But I lose my shit when I see someone use their size to bully and intimidate someone weaker.”

Some of the tension in her shoulders eases, but she isn’t totally convinced.

“When I was younger, I was smaller, shorter than average. I got pushed around a lot on the playground and at recess. My parents sent me to this posh prep school, but kids are the same everywhere, regardless of wealth or social class. I was teased and bullied and hit daily. It got so bad that I started pretending to be sick not to go to school.” I usually don’t like to talk about the years before high school, but Bex looks less intimidated now, so I continue.

“Eventually, my parents sat me down and I told them what was happening. Some of the boys in my class were damaging my books and kicking me around. The girls watched and laughed. No one helped me.”

“Not even the teachers?” Bex asks.

“I couldn’t tell the teachers. It would have made things worse. You know how kids are with snitches.”

The fear in her gaze is replaced by curiosity. “So what happened?”

“I was so depressed that I begged my parents not to send me back to school. All I wanted was to hide.”

She considers my words. “But they sent you back, right?”

I nod. “They did. But before they sent me back, they took me to a doctor. He was a pediatrician who specialized in development and he ran a ton of tests. He told me that I was going to be tall. That for some people, growth happens gradually, but for others it’s in big spurts. That made me feel better, but it didn’t solve my immediate problem.”

“So what happened?” There’s interest in her gaze, not an ounce of pity.

I like that. “My dad had a friend who owned a hockey team. They had a junior division. I knew how to skate, so he took me to the tryouts. He thought that sport would channel my energy in a positive way and it was hockey. I would have to learn to stand my ground.”

There’s a beat of silence. “It obviously worked.” She says.

“It did. And by the seventh grade, I was a whole head taller than most guys in my class. And hockey hadn’t just helped with my confidence. I was stronger than all the guys who used to push me around and taunt me before.”

Bex understands. “So you would never hurt someone who can’t defend themselves, because you’ve been bullied before.”

She’s covering her naked torso with her arms, but she’s no longer cowering.

“I wouldn’t. But if there’s one thing that makes me see red, is to see someone being pushed around because they’re perceived as weaker. I’m sorry if I scared you, Bex. But I hope you understand that I would never, ever touch you to cause harm.”

“Ok.” she whispers. “Jamie, can I ask you something?”

I take one of her hands in mine, pulling her closer to me again. “Sure.”

“You said the boys at your school pushed you around and the girls were watching and laughing. Is this why…”

Oh, fuck. “Why I don’t do relationships?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe?” I offer. “Look, I’m not a psychology major or anything. But I guess part of the reason might stem from that time. You have to understand that at first I was the laughingstock of my class. Then, once I grew a few inches, and I put on some muscle, all the girls who used to laugh at me suddenly wanted to date me. I dated them, but I couldn’t forget how they treated me before. So I didn’t let anyone get too close. With the years, I guess that turned into meaningless hookups. But it’s not because I don’t respect women. I hope you understand that. I guess I never found anyone who I wanted to get to know better. But I never lied to anyone about what I was offering. And I would never do anything the other person didn’t want.”

She looks at me for a long moment. “I was hurt that you guys didn’t want to let me stay.” She blurts out.

I guess we’re doing this too right now. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

She shrugs, and it’s obvious that my apology isn’t enough. “It’s not like I don’t understand. I’m a stranger. You guys don’t owe me anything.”

“That’s true,” I agree. “But you’re helping me with this reputation mess, so I want you to understand why I said no when Luke asked.”

“Ok. I’m listening.” There’s some diffidence in her green eyes, but she doesn’t pull her hand out of mine.

“The first time I saw you, I thought you were hot. And until those assholes ruined our night, we were having a lot of fun together.”

She agrees. “We were. That’s why it hurt so much when you and Connor said no. I mean, Keene is a misogynistic asshole, but I was surprised that you guys didn’t even want to try to help. Especially because Luke said you’re his best friends.”

There’s nothing better than the truth. It’s something I live by. “I said no because Luke is my best friend. I knew that if I agreed to let you live with us, there would be no way I wouldn’t be tempted to get closer to you. And I thought Luke would have never been ok with me showing any interest in his sister. I’m sorry if it was selfish, but I thought that not having you under our same roof would be best for both of us. Besides, Keene and Connor were against it, so my vote wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s no justification, but that’s why I said no. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you. It was because maybe I wanted you a little too much.”

This time, she smiles. “You want me?”

“Duh,” I chuckle. “Our relationship might be fake, but there’s nothing fake about how hot I think you are.”

Bex’s smile widens. “I think you’re hot, too.”

I can’t resist the urge to provoke her a little. “But you also think Connor is hot.”

Bex blushes. “I do. I’m sorry.”

I pull her into my arms. “Why are you sorry? You don’t know him that well, but Connor is a great guy. He’s total boyfriend material, whereas I’m not. Do you have a crush on him?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but then closes it again. “I don’t know. I like you too, Jamie. A lot. I know we’re fake, but I don’t want you to think I’m some kind of slut or anything.”

I hate how dejected she looks. Someone must have done a real number on her. And I put my fucking money on Priestly.

“Bex, even if you like both me and Connor, that doesn’t make you a slut. I hate slut shaming and, believe me, women aren’t the only ones who find themselves on the receiving end of it. Do you think I don’t know what people say about me on campus? Women might throw themselves at me, but I’m just a bit of fun to them. Someone they’ll remember one day, when they’re married to someone they probably don’t even feel attracted to anymore. For some of the girls who gravitate around the team, I’m nothing but a checkmark on a score card. Literally. It never bothered me much because I know if you sleep around, you’re bound to get a reputation. But that doesn’t make me a slut. And liking two guys doesn’t make you one either. As long as we’re honest about what we want, and what we’re willing to give, and we’re upfront about it, no one has the right to judge.”

She looks at me, her eyes intense. “And what do you want from our fake relationship? What are you willing to give?”

I place a soft, light kiss at the base of her neck. “Honestly? I don’t know. I’m not too worried about figuring it out right now, either. We’ve agreed to be in this relationship until the end of the academic year. I might suck at being a boyfriend, but I know I can be a great friend. I want you to feel safe with me. And if you want, we can have a lot of fun together. Without judgement and without worrying about what happens later.”

“Really?” she asks.

I nod. “Really. All I ask you is to be honest with me. Like for example, if you like Connor, I can live with it.”

Something passes in her eyes. “The thing with Connor is… you were kissing me and I couldn’t help but wonder how it would be to kiss him, too.”

I smile, encouraging her to open up about her feelings. “You said ‘too.’ Do you mean how it would be to be with him instead of me, or would you like to be with both of us? Together?”

The way her face and chest flush pink tells me everything I need to know. But I want to hear it from her.

“For a second, I did.” She swallows. “I imagined being between you and Connor.”

I tuck a lock of her silky blonde hair behind her ear. “That’s fucking hot, baby. I would love to watch you kiss Connor while I kiss the back of your neck and down your spine. All the way down to your perfect little ass. I would taste your pussy, while Connor tastes your mouth.”

My words give her the courage to tell me what she wants.

“That would be hot. I really like kissing you, Jamie.” She says. “And I want to kiss Connor again.”

Again? “What do you mean?” I ask. “When did you and Connor kiss?”

She hesitates for a second, but then she spills her little secret. “At the Zeta party the other night. Luke said it was definitely one of his roommates, but he wouldn’t tell me who. I thought it was you, but now I know it wasn’t.”

I frown. “You’re right, it wasn’t me.” She reads the other thought I refuse to put into words.

“He wasn’t better than you. Just different. Before you kissed me, that was the best kiss I had ever had. Now you both have the top spot.”

She sounds honest, and I relax.

Truth be told, if she liked kissing Connor better than she likes kissing me, I would be hurt.

“And you’re sure it wasn’t Keene? If Luke said one of his roommates, we have to consider him too.”

Bex laughs, but it comes out more like a snort. “On a purely hypothetical level, I guess we should. But I doubt it would be Keene.”

“Why?” I insist.

She rolls her eyes. “Duh. Keene hates me.”

“You shouldn’t take that personally, baby. Keene has been dealing with a nasty divorce. His ex cheated on him and put him through hell. It’s not you he doesn’t like, it’s women in general. He’s been burned too much.”

Bex shrugs. “So has Connor, even if he wasn’t married to his ex. But you don’t see him acting like an asshole and using his psychotic cat to terrify innocent women.”

“I think Keene is all bark and no bite.” I chuckle. “Deep down, he’s a solid guy.”

“We agree to disagree.” She decides. “But I know it couldn’t have been Keene behind mask number six.”

Now I’m intrigued. “Why?”

“That kiss.” her tone is wistful, and if she hadn’t just said that she liked kissing me just as much, I’d be jealous. “Was sweet. Almost reverent. Guy number six didn’t strike me like someone who dislikes women. Just the opposite. This is why at first I thought it could be you.”

I give it some thought. “You might be right. But there’s only one way to find out for sure. You should kiss Connor.”

Bex shakes her head. “I can’t.”

“Why?” I challenge her.

“Because.” She bites out. “Our relationship might be fake, but if we have to make everyone believe that we’re madly in love with each other, I can’t go around kissing other men.”

The possessive side of me is fist pumping the air, but no matter how this fake relationship ends, I can’t be with Bex knowing that she thinks about my roommate. I’d rather she got some clarity about that mystery kiss. Besides, this could be fun.

“You don’t have to kiss him in public.” I whisper. “Unless there’s a game, or something going on at the Gamma house, these days Connor stays in. I think we could get together with him and get him to kiss you.”

She giggles nervously. “With you there?”

I kiss a hot line over her collarbone. “It could be really fun. You could get to experience how it feels to be with both of us, like you were thinking about at the dinner table.”

Her breath hitches in her throat, as her teeth scrape over her bottom lip. “Would you really be ok with that?”

I’m not going to lie to her and I admit what I was thinking earlier. “As long as you don’t decide that you like kissing Connor better than you like kissing me.”

Bex’s voice softens. “Never. You both made my pulse race in different ways.”

“Then it’s settled.” I decide. “Leave this with me. We’ll confirm that your mystery kiss is Connor.”

My hands find her perfect tits again. The way she moans into my kiss is enough to make me so hard that it hurts.

She might have liked kissing Connor, but she’s my girlfriend. Fake or real is just semantics. And if we have to sell this relationship to the entire school, no girlfriend of mine would walk out of the bathroom with me without coming first.

I toy with her pretty nipples, drawing more soft gasps and moans from her. Her skin feels like spun silk under my mouth and I drift down her ribcage, and down her stomach.

Bex inhales a sharp breath when I reach the waistband of her leggings and sink down on my knees in front of her.

“What are you doing?” her eyes are wide with the same lust that’s coursing through every inch of my body.

“You look tense, baby,” I smile. “And I would be a terrible boyfriend if I didn’t help you relieve some of that stress.”