Page 14

Chapter 14

Fucked Up

Keene

I ’m not in a good mood.

I usually stay away from social media unless I have to post a new video of my stunts. I have Coach’s permission to come to the arena before or after practice to film them on actual ice, as long as I don’t cause any damage.

Moving my obstacle courses with the puck in the ice rink has tripled my following. Connor offered to help me the other night, and I gratefully accepted. Having someone help me put together and take apart the obstacle courses will help me save time.

And I like the kid. We bonded over how our relationships ended in betrayal. I guess it’s true what they say, that misery loves company.

“Dude, you ok?” Connor asks as I miss the shot for the third time, sending the puck to the side of the target I need to hit for it to ricochet into a mini gong and then land into a narrow path bordered by motion activated lights. From there, a frozen slide should help the puck gain enough momentum to careen under a colorful tunnel made of plastic and sail right into the goal.

I shake my head. “No. And I better get my head back in gear. Coach will kick my ass if he thinks I’m slacking during practice.”

I owe Coach Harrison for the huge chance to play with the Cove Knights this year. I haven’t played competitively for the four years I was in the army, so my chances at a pro career would have been next to zero.

Twenty-three is way too old for the draft, but being a Cove Knight will help me get the attention of the NHL scouts who attend our games.

Making it into a pro team as an unrestricted free agent is hard, but not impossible. And Coach believes in me, so I can’t let him down.

“Yeah,” Connor agrees. “There’s no coasting and flying under the radar with Coach Harrison. He sees everything. But can I ask you what’s wrong?”

The word “nothing” is on the tip of my tongue. If someone would understand how I feel, though, that would be Connor. So I force myself to share what’s been bothering me since I went online to upload and schedule the videos I filmed after our last practice.

“I use social media just to post my videos. My profiles are monetized and I haven’t logged into my old personal accounts since I got divorced.”

Connor immediately understands. “Yeah. I get it. I avoid logging into mine as much as I can. Whenever I do, I see Fiona with her new man. That makes me feel like shit all over again.”

I take off my helmet, tilting my head in question. “You didn’t block her?”

He sighs. “No. I could give you a ton of excuses why not, like that we’re both in the Greek Council and the president uses a chat on social media to communicate with us. The truth is that I see her everywhere anyway, so there’s no point.”

“Bro,” I clasp his shoulder. “Are you not over her?”

“I am.” Connor frowns. “But that doesn’t mean her betrayal doesn’t still sting. I stalk all her profiles whenever I feel like I miss her. And every time I see them together, it’s a reminder that I miss my idea of her. Not the woman who was fucking another guy behind my back for months.”

I get it. “Yeah. That’s why usually I don’t log into my personal accounts.”

He returns the favor by asking the same question I just asked him. “And you didn’t block her because?”

“At first, because we were still trying to sort out custody of our daughter. Now it’s because while we don’t talk, I still want to be there for Lily. I don’t have custody or anything, but she’s the one I’m never going to get over, not her mother.”

There’s a reason why I usually don’t talk about my personal shit. I’d rather people think I’m an unfeeling asshole than look at me the way Connor is looking at me right now. With pity in his eyes.

But rather than offering me some inane platitude, my teammate surprises me. “It’s obvious your ex posted something or got in touch with you. Is Lily ok?”

I appreciate the sentiment. “Yeah, Lily’s fine. Excited actually. She’s going to be a big sister. That was what the post I wish I didn’t see was about. My ex is pregnant again.”

“Fuck.” Connor commiserates. “Seriously, are you ok?”

That’s the million dollar question. “I will be, eventually.” I say, honestly. “But my knee jerk reaction wasn’t great. I saw her post early yesterday morning, when I came back from my usual five-mile run. After I saw it, I turned my phone and all devices off and I locked myself in my room with Poonani on my lap and a copy of my favorite book. Cutting myself off from the rest of the world is the only way to deal with that kind of shit.”

He doesn’t ask me how I feel. The answer would have been angry and disappointed, by the way. The Lieutenant she cheated with gets to be the father of my Lily’s sibling. I know it’s crazy, but my favorite part of being married to Audrey was being a father to Lily. And we had plans to start trying for another baby once I came back from that deployment. It hurts that she’s doing that with the asshole who had no qualms about hitting on a married woman. Thanks to her, I’ll never be a father. How could I be if just the idea of trusting someone else makes me feel like I want to puke? Maybe I’ll adopt a child once I get my NHL contract. I can hire a nanny to help me raise them. No, even better. A Manny. Women can’t be trusted.

Connor’s next question surprises me. “What’s your favorite book?”

“Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter Thompson.” I offer, welcoming the change of subject.

“Hmm, I haven’t read it. What’s it about?”

I chuckle. “It’s difficult to explain. It’s like a fever dream of someone under the influence. I mean, his main character takes all sorts of stuff in the story and has visions and so on.”

He doesn’t ask the question on the tip of his tongue this time. But it’s written all over his face.

“No,” I answer it anyway. “I’ve never taken any drugs myself. I can’t say I have never been tempted, but the army did random drug testing on the regular. Here it’s even worse. If we test positive for anything, there go our dreams to make it to the NHL. But on days like yesterday, even reading about getting lost in a chemically induced stupor was enough of a distraction. That book is so out there that it always makes me forget whatever turmoil is going on up here.” I point to my helmet.

“Maybe I should check if the library has a copy.” Connor muses.

I slap him on the back. “Nah. I'll lend you my copy. That book followed me on two deployments. Despite how insane the story is, it helped keep me sane.”

“Thanks, man. I promise I’ll look after it.”

“I trust you.” I’m surprised that I actually mean it. “But now, let’s clean up all this stuff before practice starts. We’re cutting it a little too close this morning.”

We get to work in silence. I didn’t land the last shot, but this was the third different course I tried today. I always keep myself a few videos ahead of schedule and I post just once a week. With Connor’s help, my productivity should increase, so I’m not worried if today I feel a little unfocused. I’m better off choosing my battles and give my all to practice.

“Hey man,” Connor’s voice pulls me out of my own thoughts.

But he isn’t talking to me. He’s greeting Luke and Jamie, who just stepped on the ice.

I panic for a second, but checking my watch, I realize that I still have time to put away my props. They’re fifteen minutes early. Luke is an awesome captain. He’s always the first one to show up at practice, and the last one to leave. He leads by example.

Guilt rears its ugly head when he stops by my side offering to help carry some of the stuff.

I haven’t changed my mind about letting his irritating sister stay at our place. But I feel bad. I know if it was my own sister—even though I don’t have one—or my daughter who didn’t have a place to stay, I would want my teammates to help.

I’m glad Connor had a better reason than “I don’t want a woman as a roommate” to say no. But I know I was a total asshole.

“You ok, Keene?” Luke turns around right before exiting the rink, blocking my way off the ice.

I’m surprised that he’s so perceptive. He got here after I told Connor about my ex, so it’s impossible he could have heard me.

“I’m fine.” I shrug. “Or I’ll be. Eventually.”

Luke’s shoulders sag with relief. “Thank fuck. You’re taking it way better than I expected. Jamie is gonna be relieved, too.”

Huh? What is he talking about?

“Jamie? Why should he be relieved? And how did you two hear about my ex getting pregnant? Do you know Audrey?”

Now it’s Luke who looks confused as he blinks a few times, trying to make sense of what I just told him.

“Your ex is pregnant?” he finally asks. “Is there any chance it could be yours?”

I shake my head. “No. Between the deployment and everything, we haven’t seen each other for a little over a year.”

“Right.” He says.

I’ve known my team captain for just a few months. But we moved in together straight after summer training, so I like to think we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well.

“You weren’t talking about Audrey when you asked me if I was ok.” It isn’t a question.

“I wasn’t.” He looks visibly uncomfortable, as if his skates were two sizes too small.

“What’s going on, Luke?” I ask.

“I… um. Jamie and I came here because there’s something we need to tell you and Connor.

My fingers tighten against the box of props I’m holding with white-knuckle force. I have the nagging feeling that he couldn’t find a place for his sister, and he managed to convince Jamie to back him. Of course, it’s no surprise that Jamie would come around to letting a pretty girl move in.

The truth, however, is even worse than what I imagined. I’m so fucking furious when I hear his story that I’m speechless. He takes my delayed reaction as a sign that this is something I can come around to. He’s fucking wrong.

“Look, Keene, I know you’re going to be angry.” He begins with a tone that he might think reasonable, but comes across as condescending. “But I had my back against the wall. And it turns out that so did Jamie. Letting Bex stay with us—with you guys, really—was a mutual beneficial decision. Once you get to know my sister, I’m sure you’ll?—”

“Angry?” I laugh. “Why? Because you decided to ignore mine and Connor’s feelings about having a stranger move in with us and stabbed us in the back?”

Every word I bite out is increasingly louder, but I do a good job of keeping my temper in check. At least for now.

Luke’s head rears back as if I had punched him in the face. Which, by the way, I’m seriously considering right now.

“I didn’t. Stab you in the back, I mean. Look, I was prepared to beg Candace to let Bex stay in the Zeta house, or to use every penny I have to get her a hotel room. They both would have been temporary situations, but this was an emergency. When the situation changed, can you blame me for killing two birds with one stone? Jamie risked being expelled, and that would have hurt the entire team.”

The worst part about this whole situation is that Luke isn’t completely wrong. His actions were self-serving, but it’s undeniable that he helped Jamie at the same time as helping himself. That doesn’t change the fact that he went against mine and Connor’s wishes.

“You did, and you fucking know it.” I seethe. “You could have helped Jamie without asking for your sister to stay in our dorm in exchange. You knew Connor and I didn’t want her there, but you did what suited you, anyway.”

I’m right, and we both know it.

Luke lowers his gaze. “I had no choice. The Dean and Coach agreed this was the only solution. Star Cove is a small town and at this point in the year, campus is full. The situation isn’t any better in town. All the places that rent to students tend to be full too, and it’s low season, so a lot of hotels and B&B’s are closed.”

I grind my teeth, feeling close to boiled point. “How the fuck is that my problem?”

Am I being an asshole? Maybe. But I think I’m in very good company.

Luke doesn’t back down. Our captain is a sweetheart all around, but I’ve seen him protect his teammates on the ice. If a fight erupts, Luke isn’t the type to back down.

“Do you want an apology for ignoring yours and Connor’s wishes?” he scowls. “I’m sorry. But I’m not going to apologize for helping my sister. If that was your daughter, you’d have done the same.”

Fuck.

The tenuous control I had on my temper snaps. Because Luke is one hundred percent right. And I don’t like it one bit. I lose my shit.

The box with my props hits the ice as I lunge. In the blink of an eye, I have Luke pinned against the boards. My forearm is pressed against his throat as he struggles against my hold.

Connor and Jamie are on us faster than lightning. I struggle when they force me back, pulling me away from our captain.

“Knock it off!” Jamie grunts, putting himself between me and Luke. “Are you fucking for real? If Coach sees this, you’re the one who risks getting kicked off of the team.”

“It’s gonna be fucking worth it!” I growl, scowling at Luke over Jamie’s shoulder.

To my chagrin, Connor backs Jamie up. “He’s right. When we were freshmen, our frat president had a few problems with some of our teammates. He couldn’t keep those problems off the ice and he got suspended. Playing college hockey this year is your best chance to get an NHL contract. Don’t throw it all away, Keene.”

I shake Jamie off, glaring at my three roommates. “So you’re on his side, too?”

Connor shakes his head. “I don’t like how this went down, either. Even though now having someone living with us without permission is a moot point, we had a vote. I agree that Luke and Jamie should have talked to us before making that deal.”

“They didn’t because they knew I would have never agreed.” I sneer.

Luke’s eyes are pleading with me. “You’re right. But I was desperate. I promise you won’t even notice that Bex is there.”

I point my finger at him. “It better be that way. Warn your sister that if she gets in my fucking way, or if she brings any girl drama into our house, she’s going to live to regret it. Are we clear?”

I storm off, almost losing my balance as I throw my blade guards onto my skates. The locker room is full right now, with my teammates in various states of undress. Everyone turns their heads to look at me as I burst into the door like a fury from hell.

“Dude, you ok?” Tucker hollers, but I ignore him and walk past him, locking myself into one of the bathroom stalls.

Women are the fucking devil.